Online Dating

As if we don't hear enough about the perils of online dating already, this is the latest news about the potential dangers of looking for love online: your online dating site doesn't have to tell you that your date might be a murderer.

Eric Goldman, a Forbes contributor who also teaches Internet Law at Santa Clara University in California, cautions daters in a recent article on Forbes.com. He begins with the story of Mary Kay Beckman, who met a man named Wade Mitchell Ridley on Match.com in 2011. After dating briefly, Beckman broke it off.

Three months later, Ridley attacked Beckman in her home, repeatedly stabbing and kicking her. Later, it was revealed that Ridley already faced a murder charge in Arizona, where he was suspected of killing an ex-girlfriend with a butcher knife. Authorities also believe he robbed a pharmacy of painkillers earlier in the day. He was sentenced to 28-70 years in prison, where he died in May 2012.

Beckman survived the attack, and believes Match.com should take responsibility for the tragedy. She sued the dating site, but her suit was eventually dismissed.

Goldman thinks the outlook is bleak for suits like Beckman's. "Lawsuits against online dating sites tend to generate widespread press coverage going into detail about the victimization," he writes, "as stories like Beckman's prey on common fears about online dating." But although they generate outpourings of sympathy, they have historically been completely ineffective.

Beckman's suit was doomed from the start, says Goldman, because of a law that says websites aren't liable for user content. Plaintiffs have argued that they aren't suing dating sites over posts, but rather for failing to provide protection from dangerous users, but to date they've had zero success.

A similar case ruled that "all of Match.com's conduct must trace back to the publication of third-party user content or profiles. Match.com is a website that publishes dating profiles. There is nothing for Match.com to negligently misrepresent or negligently fail to warn about other than what a user of the website may find on another user's profile on the website."

Plaintiffs will no doubt continue their attempts to hold dating sites accountable for the actions of their members, and get increasingly creative in doing so, but Goldman believes their efforts are unlikely to be fruitful. "I've never seen a successful 'failure to warn' argument make any progress in working around" the law, he notes.

The best hope is that the websites will care enough about their reputation to voluntarily take measures to protect their members from harm.

In general, handling “rejection” in online dating is considerably easier than in person. Most of the time, you’ll get a “thanks but no thanks” from someone you’ve never met in person and hopefully haven’t spent too much time thinking about. Maybe you’ll get no response at all, which can be frustrating, but not particularly painful. No one likes rejection, but as far as stings go, these are fairly minor ones.

But alas, the online dating world is no more perfect than the real one, and there are people who are, well, jerks. Maybe someone is hurt about the state of their own romantic life and is lashing out at others; maybe someone is trying to build their own self-esteem by cutting down others, like a schoolyard bully. Almost everyone has encountered at least one cruel message, whether it was in response to a first-contact email, a “thanks but not thanks” rejection, or a message that popped up out of the blue.

“Wow, you must really think you’re pretty. Trust me, you can’t afford to be this picky,” one reads. Another: “Um, try dating someone your own age.” Whether they’re hurtful comments disguised as “helpful advice” or just random hateful words, those are the sort of messages that do sting. If you receive one of these messages yourself, here are a few things to bear in mind:

First, you are, unfortunately, not the first or only one to receive such a message. Just like any random act of spite, you didn’t do anything to bring this upon you; if someone is looking to lash out they’re not paying attention to who it actually is. If someone is heaping vitriol upon you because you let them down nicely, that’s their problem, not yours. And because it is a mostly random act, there’s likely no truth to the message, either, so try to put the content out of your mind, difficult as it may be.

If the message is extremely inflammatory - using abusive language, hate speech, or making threats - check with your online dating site to see how you can go about reporting it. A snide remark is mostly harmless, but most sites take the safety of their customers seriously, and anything beyond the norm should be brought to the attention of the site.

Whatever you do, don’t respond to the message. It can be tempting, especially if, say, something about your appearance is being targeted and they’re no looker themselves. But your reaction only feeds into the negative attention they’re seeking. Even if you had sent the first-contact email and thus feel like you “started it,” don’t reward the troll with an argument, even if it’s scathing and well-thought.

Remember that, just like in the real world, the attention-seekers are in the minority; they’re relatively few and far between. Don’t let a bad apple or two put you off dating altogether. Navigating a few trolls is but a distraction on your quest to find love.

Looking for some new ideas to plan a date? Summer is here, which means there are a ton of activities going on in your neighborhood that you may or may not know about. If you don't know where to find them, then you should be making use of some cool apps out there that can help hook you up. So to speak.

Regardless of whether you're online dating or you already have a significant other, it can be stressful to plan dates. If you try something you've never done before, you never know what to expect. But that's part of the fun, right?

If you're sick of the same old same old but need a little inspiration, or if you want a choice of what to do (even at the last minute), there are apps available to help you out. Every city offers events or places that you might not know about. Check out some of the apps we found, and what they offer:

How About We. This app is available for both singles and couples. If you're a couple, How About We suggests date ideas (like an evening cruise, live concert, or good place for brunches with outdoor patios), and allows you to book in advance through their site. When you become a member, they also offer deals and freebies for future dates.

Sosh. If you live in the San Francisco or New York areas, you might want to check out this app for something non-traditional. Sosh's main focus is to find events or places that are cool and unique. In fact, if a particular event gets bookmarked by too many people, they stop promoting it to users. With over 500 activities, places, venues, and other out-of-the-way interests discovered each weekend, Sosh is a good place to look to try something off the beaten path. Its website claims the app is coming soon to L.A., Chicago, Boston and Seattle.

Goby. Looking for a real adventure? If you have some time set aside for your date, this app is a good resource to help you plan everything from vacations to small excursions to nearby places. Depending on the type of adventure you want to have (hiking a mountain vs. a gallery opening), you can find it. Goby provides a description of the event, where it is, and how close it is to you.

Happy dating!

For many, online dating sites open up a world that was previously far more difficult to access. Consider, for example, the person who works the night shift; they don’t keep conventional hours, and when they make a rare appearance in the middle of the day, they’re bleary-eyed and thinking of sleep more than romance. Or perhaps the person whose co-workers are all married or in their sixties, when they themselves are in their mid-twenties. Online dating provides opportunities to meet people they wouldn’t have otherwise.

But not everyone lives cut off from available single peers; other people turn to online dating because they’re dissatisfied with the local dating scene, or they have niche interests. Maybe they just like the aspect of being able to express themselves through writing, or ensure that they’re making a good first impression. For these people, online dating sites are a tool to add to their arsenal, but they’re not necessarily their primary option.

However, it can be easy to forget that other options exist besides online dating - and then you run the risk of limiting yourself even more. That’s what happened to “Carrie,” a friend. “I was going out on dates, and things were going well, so I stopped thinking about ‘finding a date’ as much,” she told me. “Then I started developing bad habits without even realizing it.”

“I was compartmentalizing ‘dating’ me and ‘don’t need to worry about dating’ me. I had my pre-established time that I would sit down and write emails and make plans, and the rest of the time I just didn’t think about it. There were some upsides; I was less stressed about that stuff. But if I wasn’t headed out on a date, I didn’t think about how I looked at all. I went to the grocery store in my pajamas more than I want to admit.

“On the one hand, it might’ve been this sort of ‘don’t care’ confidence that actually made me more attractive; there’s a co-worker - I thought he was cute when he first started here but he was seeing someone, and then I got into online dating. Anyway, I didn’t notice when his relationship ended. I didn’t notice when he became interested in me. I didn’t even notice he was flirting with me! Someone had to point it out, like high school! So we’ve been dating for a little while now, and he said I had just seemed so uninterested, he was actually about to give up. I wasn’t uninterested at all - I just wasn’t thinking about dating!”

Carrie’s tale might be a little extreme - how many people can literally turn their romance radar off? - but it makes a good point: while online dating provides a fantastic way to meet new people, that doesn’t mean we stop meeting new people in our everyday lives. For some, it might be healthier to view online dating as just another opportunity out of many; after all, who knows how your story will unfold?

If I asked what you think the secret to a happy marriage is, what would you say?

Communication?

Date nights?

Spontaneity?

Thoughtfulness?

Respect?

Acceptance?

They're all good answers, but a new study suggests that the real answer might be something you weren't expecting: online dating.

Didn't see that one coming, did you? (Ok, sure, if you read the title you did...but humor me.)

The Internet has forever changed the way people communicate, work, play, create, and date. 1/3 of American couples now meet their partners online, through email, dating sites, and social networks.

In a survey study of more than 19,000 Americans who married between 2005 and 2012, 5% divorced, 2% separated, and 92% remained married. The couples observed were generally representative of the population, but a few demographics showed a particular inclination towards online dating:

• Men
• People in their 30s and 40s
• Hispanics
• People who are employed
• People with higher socioeconomic statuses

Even after accounting for the differences between subjects, the study drew two primary conclusions. The first will surprise no one: the popularity of online dating has increased across every segment of American society. The second comes as more of a shock: marriages that began online were found to be longer lasting and more satisfying for couples.

Lead author of the study John Cacioppo, a psychologist and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, explains the findings by saying dating sites may "attract people who are serious about getting married."

A sociologist, Michael Rosenfeld of Stanford University, backs up Cacioppo's findings. In his own research, he found that "couples who meet online are more likely to progress to marriage than couples who meet in other ways."

But the study is not without its critics. "It's a very impressive study," says social psychologist Eli Finkel of Northwestern University. "But it was paid for by somebody with a horse in the race and conducted by an organization that might have an incentive to tell this story."

That's right - the study was commissioned by eHarmony, which shelled out $130,000 to pay for the research. Cacioppo has also been a member of eHarmony's Scientific Advisory Board since it was created in 2007.

Is it intriguing research? Yes. But does that sound like a major conflict of interest? Absolutely.

Sure, online dating is a great way to meet a partner with high levels of compatibility and real marriage potential. But is online dating better than offline dating? Survey says: inconclusive.

Baby boomers may be getting older, but online dating is proving that it will never get old.

OurTime.com is the largest dating community for singles aged 50 plus, which also makes it home to one of the fastest-growing demographics in the market. Boomer dating is experiencing a colossal boom, and OurTime.com is right at the front lines of the action.

According to the 2012 US census, more than 1/3 of the 107 million singles in the country are over the age of 50. But despite their growing numbers and increasing influence, the senior set is a dating demographic that is still largely misunderstood. OurTime is out to change that, with a new set of mature dating statistics that prove tech-savvy singles come in every age.

The 50+ singles scene is made up of a diverse group of daters:

• The membership ratio for OurTime.com is 45% men to 55% women.
• 69% of OurTime members are single parents.
• Nearly 70% have already been married at least once. 54% are divorced, and 15% are widowed. Only 50% of users in their 50s say they're interested in getting married again, a percentage which decreases dramatically once they reach their 60s (8%) and their 70s (5%).

Seniors don't have a reputation for being the most technologically advanced age group, but online dating is proving that they know their way around a computer just as well as their younger counterparts.

• OurTime members log-on an average of 44 times and view 81 profiles during a 90-day period.
• 1 in 5 Our Time members users a mobile device to log-on. Their device of choice? The iPad, of course.
• OurTime.com's membership has jumped 66% over the last two years.
• Senior dating has been particularly popular in Kansas City, MO, Tuscon, AZ, San Diego, CA, Rochester, NY, and St. Louis, MO.

Here's what singles are looking for in their more mature years:

• "Nature and Outdoors" is the #1 interest listed on profiles by both male and female OurTime members.
• For men, sports ranks second and fitness comes in third.
• For women, family and friends takes the #2 spot and travel comes in at #3.
• Physical attraction is also an important factor: 87% of singles ages 50-70 say it's a must-have.

"This is a vibrant, growing community of singles that's taking the dating scene by storm," said Dr. Terri Orbuch, relationship expert for OurTime.com, "and rightfully so. By and large this age group is happier, more secure, and even feeling sexier than their younger counterparts. They also are a better judge of the type of person who will make them happy, so it's the perfect stage of life to be looking for love."

It is clearly OurTime's time to shine. For more information on this dating site you can read our review of OurTime.