Online Dating

Most daters are reluctant to reach out to someone of a different race on an online dating site, but will respond if they are approached first, according to a new study.

Although we think of ourselves as a post-racial society, the study showed clearly that the vast majority of online daters prefer to initiate contact with daters who share the same ethnic background. It seems most people feel comfortable dating, or at least reaching out to people with the same ethnic background. There's no clear data yet on why, though the assumption is that people expect to have less in common with others who don't share their heritage.

The data was different however, when daters were approached by someone outside their race. They were more likely to respond because someone else had reached out and said he/she was interested - in a sense, breaking the ice. Interestingly, these daters then would reciprocate - they were more likely to search and reach out to daters outside their race in future interactions. The lesson? It pays to make the first move.

Kevin Lewis, a researcher at University of California San Diego who headed the study told the New York Daily News, "We expect that someone from a different background wouldn't be interested in us. The willingness to reciprocate may tell us more about site users' 'real' preferences than their willingness to initiate contact."

The group most likely to initiate contact outside of their own race were white males. Asian women stood out too, as they were more willing to communicate with men outside of their race than within it. Once contacted by someone from another race, their exchanges went up 238%.

The study was published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, and researched over 126,000 OkCupid users to find out about their messaging preferences when it comes to dating outside of their race. They looked at messages sent between October and December of 2010. All identifying information related to OkCupid member messages was blocked, so that researchers only saw race, gender, and the timestamp of the messages in addition to the content.

Even though interracial marriages have increased significantly over the last 30 years according to the latest Pew research, with one in twelve marriages being mixed-race, we haven't known much about the behaviors and preferences of online daters and how many of them are open to dating outside of their race. This has been the first study to give insight to the early stages of a relationship in terms of race.

It’s hard to participate in online dating without a profile. For many, however, the profile is exactly what’s keeping them from joining in. The problem? Before even typing their first word, they check out other profiles and decide their lives aren’t glamorous or adventurous enough. “I’m just a regular person with a regular life,” they might think. “No one will look twice at me.”

In reality, what’s holding them back is not their “regular” life - it’s their perception of it. Very few people are supermodels or brain surgeons or paleontologists; of those who are, very few live lives comparable to what you’d see on TV. Meanwhile, people with perfectly average lives find love every day. So what are they doing differently?

For some, it’s all about attitude. Think about some of the jobs considered “exciting” that were just mentioned: brain surgery, paleontology. Why might these jobs be considered glamorous or exciting? Because they’ve been featured on TV and in movies. More to the point, we’ve seen people who were passionate about their work, and it stuck with us. Pretty much any job can be exciting, if you’re excited about it and let it show.

But let’s be honest: not everyone is excited about their job. Not everyone has a job. And that’s okay too: chances are, there’s something they’re still passionate about, whether it’s a hobby or a dream or a goal. Everyone’s lives contain varying amounts of excitement; the key is to let what you love define you, not just your vital statistics.

“Well, fine,” some might think, “but I still have to talk about my job and it’s obvious I don’t love it.” Firstly, you don’t necessarily have to go into any amount of detail; in fact, many specifically avoid doing so for security or identity concerns. You’re searching for someone with a compatible personality, not a compatible career.

Secondly, there’s no reason why you can’t be honest about the fact that you’re not nuts about your job, or job status. There’s no shame in saying you’re working as a means to an end, or that other parts of your life are more important, or that you’re actively searching. Those who would be less interested in you for being honest and open aren’t worth pursuing, anyway.

So when you write your online dating profile, don’t feel trapped if you don’t feel you fit the right “mold.” Remember: you’re not competing for Most Successful. All you’re trying to do is find someone who’s a good fit for you - and perhaps such a person is a little “average,” too.

A few months ago, Brandon, a newly single friend, came to my city to visit me. What made the largest impression on him wasn’t the architecture or the attractions the city had to offer; it was the women. “Whoa, maybe I should move here,” he said, eyeing a group who were walking past us. “The women seem much more beautiful here.”

In reality, the women here are likely not any more attractive than in Brandon’s city; he was simply seeing them from a different perspective. We were at a park, in the midst of a hot summer, surrounded by beachwear; not at Brandon’s local grocery store. It’s also worth mentioning that Brandon was just out of a long-term relationship; he was probably actively looking at women much more than he had in years. And there’s one element that can’t be underestimated; the women, the faces, were simply different from the ones he normally encounters.

For many, the grass is very often greener on the other side of the fence. Even if you’re surrounded by attractive people, they soon become familiar. And if you associate negative connotations with them, that familiarity can breed contempt.

For example: let’s say you belong to an online dating site, and have for some time. It started out well, but lately you’ve been in a dating desert: no one seems to reply to your first-contact emails, and no new faces seem to be signing up. The same old profiles seem to mock you.

Instead of toughing it out, pinning way too many hopes and expectations on any new profile you see, why not take a break and enjoy different scenery? It could mean trying a different site, or even doing something different in your everyday routine - going to that park instead of looking for love at the grocery store, for instance.

Sometimes the only thing that will get you out of a rut is time, but that doesn’t mean you have to sit there, watching the clock. Why not try something outside your personal box? The grass just might be greener on the other side of that fence.

The number of Americans using Internet dating services has tripled over the last five years, says a detailed new survey by the Pew Internet Project. Based on interviews with 2,252 American adults, the survey also found a few ways in which dating in the Internet age differs for men and women.

Undesirable contact and outright harassment are considerably bigger issues for women who date online. 42% of female survey respondents say they've been subjected to unwanted approaches, compared to only 17% of men who say the same. The same goes for social networking sites, where 33% of women and only 19% of men say they've blocked someone who was making them feel uncomfortable.

Though those differences aren't insignificant, both sexes also have plenty in common. Men and women have similar success rates when dating online. 22% of online daters, regardless of gender, say they found a long-term relationship or a marriage using Internet dating services. Both men and women are also equally likely (54%) to complain about being misled by someone whose profile was deceptive.

And what the sexes really agree on is what they're actually using the Internet for: snooping. When Pew conducted its last major study on the role of the Internet in Americans' love lives, using search engines and social networking sites to keep tabs on exes and investigate future romantic prospects was not nearly the phenomenon it is now. That was back in 2005, before Facebook had officially become available to the general public and before smartphone usage had exploded.

Now, with those and many more technological innovations, it has become infinitely easier to get our snoop on. Just 11% of daters admitted to conducting online searches for information about dates in 2005. Now nearly a quarter of Internet users (24%) say they are guilty of researching dates and the number goes up (38%) if they're actively involved in the dating scene. 29% say they have searched online for information about someone they are currently dating or are considering dating, a number that was only 13% in 2005.

6 out of 10 Americans are now users of social networking services, which we have also turned into tools for stalking former flames. 1 in 3 say they've visited an ex-partner's profile to see what they've been up to. 30% of social network users who are active daters report using such services to collect intel on potential partners as well. For Internet users aged 18 to 29, that number jumps to 41%.

Like it or not, most of us have snooped at one point or another and it begs the question: which would we be more willing to give up, our ability to find new partners on the Internet, or our ability to find out about partners on the Internet?

This might be the craziest thing I've ever seen. And with the complete insanity that makes up most of my life, that's saying a lot.

Coming home for the holidays is a drag for plenty of single people. Some of us are lucky enough to have families who don't demand that we settle down, but for the rest of us, holiday singlehood comes along with a whole lot of disapproving looks from family members who can't believe we've chosen to focus on our careers instead of our hearts.

Enter Invisible Girlfriend, a site that does exactly what its name suggests: creates a virtual relationship with the (nonexistent) girl of your dreams. Subscribers to the nascent online service receive text messages, real voicemails, random gifts, a Facebook relationship status change, and even "emergency interactions" (whatever that means!) with their faux SOs.

In an interview, Invisible Girlfriend creator Matt Homann said "Our audience might come from a variety of situations: maybe they're in a same-sex relationship they're hiding from disapproving relatives, are trying to avoid the unwelcome advances from a coworker, or have chosen to focus on their work instead of romance."

Here's how it works:

• Step One: choose a plan that includes both virtual and real-world relationship "proof" to create a believable Invisible Girlfriend.
• Step Two: customize your new Invisible Girlfriend's personality and specify how the two of you will interact.
• Step Three: get back to living life on your own terms, and not on others'.

Right now, the company (which is still pre-launch) offers three monthly subscription packages to choose from: "Just Talking," "Getting Serious," and "Almost Engaged." For as low as $9.99 a month, you can create a significant other through texts, automated phone calls, and simple gifts. For $29.99 per month, you can receive premium gifts, real voicemails, and a Facebook relationship status. And for the highest price point, $49.99 per month, you can get custom girlfriend characterization, live phone calls, and the ability to personalize your own story.

"We're not trying to build a girlfriend they can believe in - that's a whole other level of technology," Homann told Riverfront Times. "We're giving them a better story to tell, even if the story isn't true."

The story of the company is itself a good story to tell. Invisible Girlfriend was pitched for the first time at Startup Weekend as a joke, but the idea quickly caught hold and a team created a rough product in just 54 hours. "It went from, 'Let's have some fun. Let's make everyone laugh,' to, 'We have the making and talent to build something that works,'" said Homann. They ended up walking away with first place in the competition, $3,000, and plans to launch an Invisible Boyfriend version.

Things we were into in 2013: Nelson Mandela, the iPhone 5s, bingewatching, twerking, Bitcoin, Bat-Kid, Breaking Bad, the royal baby, Grumpy Cat, and screaming goats.

Earlier this month Google released its annual Zeitgeist List, a collection of the top Google searches for the last 365 days that reveal what defined the year in pop culture, politics, technology, and more. "Every day, around the world, we search," Amit Singhal, senior vice president and Google Fellow, wrote in a Dec. 17 blog post. "We want to find out more about our heroes, explore far-away destinations or settle a dinner-table dispute between friends."

Because of that compulsive urge to search anything and everything online, Google is given unprecedented access to what captures the public imagination. The year-end Zeitgeist list uses Google Trends and other internal data tools to tap into the top trending searches of 2013 from 72 countries, and create a snapshot of the biggest people, places, moments, companies, and gadgets of the year.

Online dating plays an increasingly large role in the way we meet and choose our partners, so naturally Google included the year's most popular online dating services on the list. According to Google Zeitgeist, 2013's top ten dating services are:

1. Match.com
2. Chemistry.com
3. PlentyOfFish.com
4. Zoosk.com
5. eHarmony.com
6. FriendFinder.com
7. Tinder
8. Hinge
9. OurTime.com
10. OkCupid

Many of last year's entries are back again, though none retained the same positions. Match moved up a spot from #2 to #1, while PlentyOfFish dropped from the first place to third. OkCupid took a major hit in 2013, falling to #10 from #3 in 2012. Zoosk climbed a couple of spots to the forth position, and eHarmony fell slightly to fifth.

DateHookup, ChristianMingle, AdultFriendFinder, JDate, and SinglesNet all ranked last year but failed to make it on the 2013 Zeitgeist list. Instead, FriendFinder, OurTime, Chemistry, Tinder, and Hinge came from behind to take their place.

The most interesting additions to the list are, without a doubt, those last two. Tinder uses Facebook profiles to match members who respond with a simple left or right swipe to say "Yes" or "No." Hinge appears similar at first glance, but uses a "romance graph" to pair you with friends of friends that best suit your style - in other words, Tinder might get you a great hookup, but Hinge will find you a great relationship. Mobile dating took off in a big way this year, and shows no sign of stopping, so expect to see even more mobile services on the 2014 Zeitgeist report.