Online Dating

I have a female friend who is frequently the target of men in search of the quick-e.

quick-e. (kwi-kE) Noun: A situation in online dating in which one party makes sexual comments or suggestions within the first few emails. Or minutes. In other words, way too soon.

A couple of "hi-how-are-yous" and suddenly she finds herself on the receiving end of a nudie-cam transmission, or for the slightly more subtle letch, an inquiry as to her breakfast order.

She's looking for true love. They're looking for action.

For most men, it seems the topic of women bringing up sex too soon appears to be a non-issue. After months of inquiries, I was unable to locate even a single guy who found it a problem. But for women, the issue is Big and Troublesome and Creepy.

E-ping Toms. Sex Scavengers. Internet Degenerates. From unseemly photos to body part inquiries to the wolf-in-Prince Charming's-clothing, female online daters are bombarded with inappropriate IMs, photos and emails. An online dater from Baltimore sums it up: "I normally would disregard those emails and write those prospects off. Imagine what a first date would be like if they were already lecherous just on e-mail!"

To most women, sex talk too early on is the online dating equivalent of Internet pharmacy spam clogging up your inbox. It's annoying, unwelcome, and we can't imagine that anyone would actually respond. Many women feel that a guy who brings up bedroom talk right away is just looking for sex, or maybe worse, "they have no manners."

Most experts agree that when someone brings up sex right away, it should raise some red flags. Psychotherapist Wendy Allen says, "A man wanting sex too early has nothing to do with you. It's just their own persistent horniness."

She adds, "This transparency has given you a window into this person's motives. Move on to the next one!"

Toni Coleman, a relationship coach and psychotherapist agrees. "It can also be a complete turn-off to many women (and some men). When someone does this, it can indicate that they are only interested in sex, have poor boundaries and/or impulse control, or are a potential stalker, to name a few."

Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and Sex says, "Men who wave the sexual flag early are letting women know what their priority is... and for the women who ignore that flag and then begin to wonder later just exactly what went wrong and why her new Mr. Right is really Mr. Wrong... well, they only have themselves to blame."

But how early is too early? If you've made it clear in your profile that you're looking for a relationship or casual dating, anytime before the first few in-person meetings is too soon. Protocol-challenged guys, if you don't learn anything else from this article, pay attention to this: Most women are uncomfortable with graphic sex talk with someone they don't know. And if they're not, they're hanging out in the "intimate" communities, not on the general dating sites.

Fay warns, "If a guy mentions something in a profile (in addition to his height, weight, job, loves, passions, etc,) that he enjoys lazy afternoons under the covers with someone he loves, that's one thing. But if he's sending a potential mate web links to porn sites or sex toys, or is asking her what position she prefers, or invites her to have phone sex with him before even asking her about her likes, family, job, expectations in a relationship, then he's really only looking for one thing. Period."

Coleman says, "The time to bring up sex is after several successful dates, when the individuals feel they are beginning to build a bond and have the potential for a 'real' relationship."

Not sure how to handle the dirty talk issue? Well, if you wouldn't say something to someone you met at a wedding for the first time, you shouldn't say it to an online prospect. And if you find yourself a recipient of unwanted smut, the best plan is to a) change the subject, b) let the person know they've crossed a line or c) end the dialog right away, and block their email.

Dating coach Liz Kelly, author of SMART Man Hunting, offers these suggestions for dealing with online sex talk:

With the growing popularity of IM and web-cams, singles are definitely bolder about sex online. Set sex talk boundaries based on what you are seeking online.

Fun flirting can be flattering, but sharing intimate details enters a different zone.
If you're in the mood, you may be OK with getting down and dirty online. Recognize that the sincerity of a stranger is questionable and think twice before meeting an online sex partner in person.

If someone brings up sex online and you are uncomfortable, politely change topics immediately.
If a stranger persists after you've shared that you are uncomfortable, hit delete right away.
Whether you're a man or a woman, don't use the implied anonymity of the Internet to disregard social filters that would normally be in place. The world (and online dating) works a lot better when we're all on our best behavior.

And if you're the target of an E-ping Tom or Internet Degenerate, trust your instincts and apply the same rules that you would in person. If a guy you just met at a restaurant asked you to show him your bra three minutes after you met, you'd throw a drink at him, and ask the maitre d' to escort him to his car. The same rules apply online. Don't do it, and don't take it.

I call it "The Funnel." And it's the best way to view your online dating experience. A numbers game it is, and your job is to funnel your way through prospects until you find what you're looking for.

Stage 1 of the Funnel: On most dating sites, there's a database of users and you have the ability to search through those users with any given set of criteria such as age, geography and the like. Upon running a search, you will scan the results to find profiles that compel you. If you're wise you'll read through their entire profile, trying to get the best sense of who this person is and ultimately, if you might be a good fit for them. Don't be guilty of basing your judgment on photos alone. While photos are useful reference points, the rest of the profile can offer great insight into the person that a photo alone could never do.

Stage 2 of the Funnel: Once you find profiles that fit your taste, you will write a persuasive initial email to solicit their interest, and hopefully, a timely response. In some cases you will get the desired response, in many other cases you will hear nothing but the sound of crickets on the lawn. Don't fret, it's par for the course. The modus operandi of internet daters is to simply not respond to an email if they are not interested or otherwise unavailable. Do not expect an explanation from them, and don't ever take it personally. I've researched and counted over 79 reasons for people not to respond to such emails, and over half of them have nothing to do with you at all!

Stage 3 of the Funnel: Then there are those who do respond, and an email conversation ensues. Be creative, be curious, but most of all, be real. Your objective is to get to know each other better and determine if you should move to Stage Four. There will be times where your email communication with this person ceases either due to your lack of interest or time, or theirs. It is a natural culling process and not all candidates will move on through The Funnel.

Stage 4 of the Funnel: If you're hitting it off in email and are comfortable, you will want to suggest a phone conversation. I recommend that within a few emails back and forth, you offer up your phone number. Once again, sometimes you'll hit it off and sometimes not. Having a chance to hear someone's voice and speak with them on the phone provides lots more insight into who you're dealing with. And you can determine whether there's chemistry between you!

Stage 5 of the Funnel: If you've got chemistry, you'll probably want to setup a meeting! I always suggest to my clients that you agree to meet for coffee in a public place for a short (1 hour) date. This is the safest way to take it to the next level and explore your chemistry and compatibility. If it's smooth sailing, you can extend it. If it's not quite what you were hoping… hey, it's only an hour. Remember to keep expectations at a minimum and standards high. This is another number game, and it should be tons of fun in the process.

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with a casual acquaintance. As we were chatting, she mentioned her new boyfriend, Adam. "Oh," I asked. "How did you two meet?" She looked around and said, "Well, I guess I can tell you. I mean, he tells everyone." And then she lowered her voice slightly, "We met online."

Now, to me, the phrase, we met online is not one that warrants a lowered voice and furtive glance around the room before being uttered. But, apparently admitting to meeting over the internet has not quite become the stuff of polite conversation. In reality, this shouldn't be that surprising. There are some long-standing stigmas attached to this type of coupling; often holdovers from the days of newspaper personal ads and video dating services.

My first encounter with personal ad dating came when I was a teenager. I was at an older cousin's wedding. At one point during the reception, my mother whispered to me, "You know, they met through the personal ads." Forgetting my whereabouts I loudly repeated, "The personals?" only to get a sound motherly shushing. But, I was confused. My cousin didn't seem desperate. Or weird for that matter. Weren't those the types of people who did this? Now, granted I was a teenager and not fully versed in the ways of the world, but I would hazard a guess that I wasn't the only one under the impression that only desperate divorcees and perverted polygamists would place an ad looking for a date. Of course, it was more likely than not the daters in question were simply busy people with specific needs and interests whose social lives had not yet presented them with an appropriate match. Just like internet daters today.

Now that internet dating has been going strong for nearly a decade, people are coming around to the idea that there is no more shame in meeting someone online that there is in meeting someone through a friend, at a bar or over the office water cooler. My friend Andy and his live-in-love met on an internet dating site a few years ago. However, this wasn't initially what they told people, instead concocting a tale about meeting in a park on their way to work. Eventually, the happy couple felt silly perpetuating the fabricated story and outed themselves to friends and family. Not surprisingly, the only negative reactions came from people who didn't understand why they had invented the park fable in the first place. Still, as Andy says, "In the beginning we felt a little pathetic, like we had to go online to get a date. And, I know Jen was worried that people would think we had just been looking for a hook up. But, we got over that pretty quick!"

Many internet daters see these qualms as being decidedly out of touch. Twenty-seven year-old Ilana explains, "I have no problem telling people I'm doing Internet dating because everyone's doing it. I think the fact the people do everything on the Internet makes it seem totally natural. You do all your communication on the internet. All your research on the Internet. Make all your plans on the Internet, so why not find someone to date on the internet?"

Why not indeed? There's plenty of stuff out there to feel legitimately embarrassed about, an addiction to reality television and our love of Les Miserables for example.

Online dating doesn't need to be added to that list. Who knows, in a few years, the idea of going out with someone without first being able to check his or her profile might seem positively passa.

Dating has become easier for everyone due to the emergence and success of online dating websites. You can choose the site that suits you best, look for people who have the features you desire along with common interests and contact them immediately. Some dating sites are featuring their own instant messaging for members to instantly communicate with each other. This is a great way to make contact and get excited about a new date. But when you start chatting back and forth, the other person is typing recognizable words along with small clusters of letters here and there. What are they saying? These are considered to be "Net Lingo" and are commonly used Internet acronyms.

411 - Information
AFK - Away from keyboard
AISI - As I see it
AMBW - All my best wishes
ATST - At the same time
B4 - Before
B4N - Bye for now
BBIAF - Be back in a few
BBL - Be back later
BBN - Bye-bye now
BS - Big Smile
BTW - By the way
CID - Consider it done
CSL - Can't stop laughing
CWYL - Chat with you later
DGT - Don't go there
DHYB - Don't hold your breath
DKDC - Don't know, don't care
EG - Evil Grin
EOM - End of message
FOAF - Friend of a friend
FTTB - For the time being
FWIW - For what it's worth
FYI - For your information
GAL - Get a life
GL - Good Luck
GR8 - Great
GTG - Got to go
GTSY - Glad to see ya
HAGO - Have a good one
HAK - Hugs and Kisses
HB - Hurry Back
HHOK - Ha, ha only kidding
HTH - Hope this helps
IAE - In any event
IDKY - I don't know you
ILY - I love you
IMO - In my opinion
IRL - In real life
IYSS - If you say so
J/W - Just wondering
KIT - Keep in touch
KWIM - Know what I mean
LD - Long distance
LMK - Let me know
LOL - Laughing out loud
LTIC - Laughing 'til I cry
LTNS - Long time no see
LYL - Love ya lots
M8 - Mate
MRS - Meet real soon
MWBRL - More will be revealed later
MYOB - Mind your own business
NBD - No big deal
NOYB - None of your business
NP - No problem
OIC - Oh I see
ONNA - Oh no, not again
OOC - Out of Character
OT - Off topic
OTOH - On the other hand
POV - Point of view
RBTL - Read between the lines
RN - Right now
SF - Super friendly
SNAG - Sensitive new age guy
STYS - Speak to you soon
SWDYT - So what do you think
TAH - Take a hike
TIAIL - Think I am in love
TIC - Tongue in cheek
TM - Trust me
TMI - Too much information
TTYL - Talk to you later
TYVM - Thank you very much
VM - Voice mail
WE - Whatever
WG - Wicked grin
WYRN - What's your real name
WYSIWYG - What you see is what you get
YAFI - You asked for it
YDKM - You don't know me
YNK - You never know