Online Dating

Guys, ever read through profiles on your favorite dating site and said, "Dang, these girls have BAD ATTITUDES!! They all have this paragraph of reasons NOT to write! What gives?"

To answer this question, let's take a look at the average woman's experience with online dating.

Enter Girl Average

Girl Average is ... well, average. She's girl-next-door cute, but not a knockout supermodel. As far as her profile, she's got the typical interests of a person in her age group. Sports, dining out, movies, hiking, nothing terribly out of the ordinary.

As soon as her profile goes live, Girl Average begins to receive anywhere from 1-10 emails a day. This is because her profile is flagged "new" by her dating site and her mug is being featured in both search results and in emails to the guys who have requested to see fresh meat via email as soon as it's available. The email storm dies down once the new batch of fresh meat goes live on the site.

A lot of these emails will be from trigger happy men who are hoping to "scoop" her off the market before other, better guys come along. They think that a totally sweet pickup line or a compliment about how she fills out her sweater is the way to woo a girl. They also totally ignore any indications that they're the wrong guy.

"So what if she says she doesn't want guys over 35? I'm a young 52!"
"She won't mind that I'm a high school dropout when she sees my pecs!"
"I won't mention my divorce isn't final yet. Hopefully she won't ask..."

I remember one email I received very vividly, because it was both ridiculous and hilarious. It was in the first week that I'd activated my Love@AOL account (back in the day before they were eaten by Match.com). I received an email that I can quote from beginning to end:

Subject: Hey
U R hot. Email me.

Oh, and that's not the end of it. The attachment was a picture he had taken of himself. Wait, it gets better. He was holding the camera between his legs. Oh, that's not it! You could see the tip of his... member, large as life, at the bottom of the photo. In fact, the camera focused more on that than his face, which was a bit fuzzy in the background.

Now, I'm no prude, but sending me a picture of your junk along with an email where you can't be bothered to spell out the words "you" and "are" does not make me leap to email you back. Especially not when there are better, more articulate men in my mailbox who are going to wait until we know each other better before revealing the cash n' prizes.

The more traditionally attractive the woman, the more of these ridiculous emails she receives. And actually, the more attractive the woman, the more ridiculous the emails become. It's no wonder that women online are adding this "bad attitude paragraphs to their profiles - they're trying to get fewer of these ridiculous emails!!

If you're guilty of sending these emails - STOP IT. Seriously. Give your dating life more thought and care and stop bothering these women, especially if you know you'd have no chance of being with them.

If you're not guilty - I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that the lesser members of your gender are ruining things for you and turning the women of your dating site into jaded, picky ... witches. (Hey, it's almost October, right?) If you see a profile you really like that ends with one of these paragraphs, consider emailing the woman anyway. Chances are if you match her and you write something personalized and thoughtful, she'll turn out to be a good witch.

The new OkCupid blog called OkTrends had an interesting first post which looked at members sending messages on their dating site. I was surprised by the fact that only 32 percent of first messages (the person who initiated contact) ever got a reply. This is less than a third of all first contacts, and this is on a dating site which is mostly free.

Based on crunching data from tens of thousands of sent messages OkCupid spotted a sweet spot on message length and the chance of a man or woman replying to your message. The first thing they found was that most single's first time messages are way too long.

Almost 16% of first messages are over 2000 characters (roughly 400 words), and the average is 743! At least in terms of using your time efficiently, your messages should be much shorter.

What they found is, on average for a man to write to a woman, a message should be about 200 characters in length. This will give him the best conversion rate of 17.1% based on the average amount of time it takes a man to write a message. For example at this message length the average male online dater can scan profiles and write 10 messages in 1 hour giving them on average, 1.71 replies to their 10 messages.

For women message length is even shorter. A message length of only 50 characters gives woman a conversion rate of 30 percent. This means they can send 11.4 messages per hour and expect on average to receive 3.42 replies from men. First contact message from women seem to more serve the purpose of getting the man to notice their profile, rather than convey any real information.

For the full dating advice article, read OkTrends and to find out more information about this dating site read our review of OkCupid.com.

An interesting press release went out claiming that the Chinese dating site Zhenai.com is now the largest in the world. Zhenai first started 11 years ago, in May of 1998 as a free dating site called 96333.com. In 2005 they rebranded as Zhenai.com (which means "cherished love") and now has about 20 million registered members and claims that daily, another 40,000 singles signup. Zhenai's largest demographic are singles who are 25 to 45 years old, who live in an urban area, and are white-collar professionals. More than 85% of these members have a bachelor's, master's or doctoral diploma. Zehnai expects its number of registered members to hit 30 million by the end of the first quarter of 2010.

Zhenai claims to be the world's largest dating site by surpassing Match.com which had 15,000,000 registered members and a daily increment of 60,000 new members in May of 2009 (Note: Match.com now claims 20,000 new members a day). The problem is Zhenai switched a few of Match.com's numbers around. Match.com actually claims to have had more than 100 million registered users between 2000 and 2008 (see Press Release). That doesn't even include the profiles registered in the 5 years from when Match.com first launched in 1995. In the Zehnai press release, they are using Match.com current number of members which accounts for 15 million. I believe Match.com defines a current member as someone who has logged in at least once during the last year. I have a feeling that Zhenai is including all registered members since the launch of their dating site and only used the lower Match.com current registered members numbers to highlight their claim that they are the largest dating site.

In these economic times, I'm sure that you've updated your resume. Whether you're out of work or afraid you might be soon, you have your resume shined up and ready for action. But unlike a resume, your dating profile is posted and up for viewing 24/7. Here are some ways your dating profile should be like your resume:

It's up to date
Most people only have to update their resume when they're changing jobs, but if you want to really make your resume impressive, you should update it with accomplishments and accolades from your current job while they're still fresh in your memory. Your dating profile needs to be updated with recent events as well - I recommend updating it with each season at a minimum. Make a reference to something you love or are looking forward to this season. For me? Pumpkin cheesecake. Yum!

It's not fill-in-the-blank
Nothing gets a resume fed to the shredder faster than looking like a Mad Lib. If you pulled up the Microsoft Word template for Resume and then pasted in information you found on a career site that sounded good about a job that was vaguely like yours, the HR folks can tell. If your dating profile reads like a Mad Lib, it's going to scream that you're boring and uncreative.

You've proofread - thrice!
Spelling and grammar are extremely important. Ask any HR rep and they'll tell you that mistakes cost you the job. While many people will overlook a mistake or two in your dating profile, if it's full of errors, you'll be labeled stupid (or at best, lazy). There are plenty of really intelligent people who are poor writers. That's not a problem. Embrace spelling and grammar check! Ask a friend to read it.

You tailor it for your goals
Your resume should highlight the skills and experience you have that is relevant to the job you wish to get. If you focus on the wrong things, your resume won't be as effective. Your dating profile should be written in a way that is irresistible to the person you want to attract. Describe your life in a way that makes that person say, "Wow! I need to contact him! He sounds like my type of person!"

Your career is important, but so is your love life. Keep your profile looking as sharp as your resume and you'll find love in no time!

Next on the list of words that kill your online dating profile is one that everyone THINKS is a good thing, but really isn’t something you should mention – monogamy.

You’re thinking, “But that’s a noble goal! It should be all about two people in love and faithful to one another forever and ever. Why would stating you want that be a bad thing?”

Sorry, friends. It’s another one of those things where the word says more about you than you realize.

Remember how using the phrase “no drama” implies you’ve experienced more than your share of drama? Well, using “monogamy” implies you’ve experienced more than your share of cheating. More specifically, you’ve been cheated on. Or, someone you are very close to has had their heart broken as a result of cheating.

No, I’m not psychic. (At least not most of the time!)

Remember that your first goal on a dating site is to get someone to write to you. You’re not asking for an exclusive relationship from the first email, or even the first date. For starters, you’re looking for someone with similar interests and a similar worldview.

Also, most cheaters either:

1) know they’ll always be cheaters and don’t care who they hurt in the process or 2) vow to themselves they’ll never cheat again.

Either way, they’re not going to avoid your profile simply because you say you want monogamy. (The #1s might because they’ll peg you as a difficult target, but there are always players that enjoy a challenge if you’re attractive enough to work harder to catch!)

The people who are going to give your profile a raised eyebrow are those who are always monogamous. (The very people you want to date!!) They’re going to think to themselves, “Hmmm, I wonder why it was important for her to mention monogamy. Did her last boyfriend cheat? Is she damaged goods?”

Pull the monogamy reference from your profile. It’s something you can discuss when it’s relevant – once you’ve met in the real world and decided to date each other exclusively.

If I had a nickel...

This is one of those online dating phrases that sadly has permeated the culture. People see it in other people’s profiles and think, “Wow, that’s a good idea!” and add it to theirs. What they’re spreading is a phrase that puts up big red flags and turns away perfectly good dates.

What’s this word?

Drama.

More specifically, in its many incarnations:

“No drama.”
“Tired of the drama...”
“I hate drama queens...”
“The only drama I like is on a stage or screen.”
Etc, etc.

Please, folks, pull those references from your profile ASAP. They’re not helping you, and in fact, they’re hurting you.

Here’s why they’re not helping:

1) Many people who are drama queens don’t realize they are.
2) How often have you known on a first, second, or third encounter that someone was a drama queen? Sure, it happens sometimes, but usually it’s something that comes up after knowing someone for a while.

Thus, advertising “NO DRAMA” in your profile does absolutely nothing to keep drama queens out of your life. A drama queen isn’t going to read your profile, see “No drama” and say to themselves, “OMG! I’m a drama queen, I shouldn’t message this person.” It’s just not going to happen. Sorry.

Here’s how it’s hurting:

1) It’s showing that you have had enough experience with drama in the past that you feel the need to mention it in your profile.
2) People may assume that you ATTRACT dramatic people due to this statement. And if there’s anything just as bad as a drama queen, it’s someone who seems to always attract drama queens.

Rethink what’s in your profile. Make every sentence count and be tailored to the good qualities of the person you’d like to meet. That’s the best way to get the results you want.