How to write a "Thanks, but no thanks" email

Communication
  • Monday, September 21 2009 @ 11:20 am
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One of the burning questions asked by online daters is "Do I HAVE to reply to every email I receive?"

At the moment, the message sent to us by our online dating services is "no, you don't." We can simply hit the delete button and that undesirable person disappears. Poof, no more!

I was one of the rarities online, the woman who always took the time to reply. Sure, there were times that I'd use one of match.com's pre-made messages, but more often than not, I'd write a sentence or two. What I found was that more often than not, men were appreciative of the email and learning exactly why I felt he wasn't a good fit for me. Sure, there were a couple that argued, and one or two that got mean, but on the whole, it was a worthwhile experience on both ends.

Here are some "Thanks, but No Thanks" emails that you can feel free to steal for your swipe file:

Too old/young
Hi, (insert name here). Thanks for writing me, but I'm really looking for someone between the ages of ## and ##. I feel that a lot of what makes a couple compatible is a similar life story, and growing up in the same age range helps that a lot. Best of luck in your dating adventures.

Has Kid(s) - you don't want to step-parent, but want kids one day
Hi, (insert name here). Thanks for writing me, but I'm really looking for someone who does not already have children. When I get pregnant one day, I want it to be a first for me and my husband. (Alt: When my future wife is expecting our child, I want it to be a first for both of us.) I hope you can understand. Thank you and best of luck.

Has Kid(s) - you don't want kids
Hi, (insert name here). Thanks for writing me, but I'm really looking for someone without children. I love kids, but am really not the parenting type. Heck, there are days I forget to feed myself! You and your son/daughter deserve to find someone who can love and support both of you. I wish you the best of luck in finding that person.

Wrote you an inappropriate email
Hi, (insert name here). Thanks for writing me, but your email was very inappropriate.

    I am looking for someone who appreciates me for more than my body.
    I am looking for a real relationship, not a one night stand with a businessman from out of town.
    I found your sexual language to be very disturbing and not at all attractive.
    I did not appreciate the attached pornographic picture and have reported this email to customer service.

Please know that this type of email does not make you attractive to the opposite sex, in fact, it does the exact opposite. I hope that you find what you're looking for one day, but that someone is not me.

Has conflicting values / dealbreakers
Hi, (insert name here). Thanks for writing me, but I'm afraid that I cannot date a smoker. Many of my relatives have had cancer, so I do my best to live healthy and avoid situations that put my health at risk. I hope you can understand. Best of luck in your search.

Hi, (insert name here). Thanks for writing me, but I really cannot date someone who drinks regularly. I have had too many bad experiences involving alcohol to put myself in a position to be close to someone who is a regular drinker. I hope you can understand. Best of luck in your search.

Hi, (insert name here). Thank you for writing me, but I am really looking to date someone who shares my Christian faith. While I have no problem being friends with those of other faiths, it is important to me that my future spouse and I can teach our faith to our children and be a church-going family. Best of luck in your search.

Funny Note: One time, I wrote a "Thanks but no thanks" email to a guy who listed his religion as Christian/LDS (aka Mormon). I knew that practicing Mormons can only marry other Mormons, so I mentioned this in my email, wishing him well but saying I just wasn't interested in a new religion. He wrote back, shocked. He had no idea that he had selected LDS as his faith!! He had pressed "C" and saw that it said "Christian" and left it at that. "No WONDER I haven't been getting many emails!!!" he said. "Thank you for letting me know!"

Reasons to Write a No Thanks Email:

    It gives the other person closure. They don't have to wonder if/when you'll write back.
    It lets them know (nicely) why you're not interested.
    It lets them know it's okay to email a new batch of people.
    It "teaches" them what they should and shouldn't say in an email or their profile.
    It sends a message to the guys who are inappropriate to QUIT IT.

So, do everyone a favor - take 10 seconds to write a Thanks, but No Thanks email. It makes the whole online dating system more human - and that's what we all want, right?