Online Dating

We've all heard the term "gold digger," but how many of you have ever dated one? If you're nodding your head and smiling at my question, you're not alone, I promise.

I have a friend who complains constantly of dating women he refers to as "takers." According to him, they want (and ask for) everything - dinner at fancy restaurants, luxury vacations, someone who will pay down their credit card debt. You name it, he has been asked to provide. When I offered to set him up with a friend of mine, he shook his head, saying he just couldn't date another gold digger, even though he'd never met her. He just assumed she'd be the same.

Now, he is not extremely wealthy, but he has some financial success. Enough to take his dates out to nice restaurants, buy them gifts, and when things go well, take them on trips to Mexico or Hawaii. But here's the problem: they keep asking and he keeps giving. He feels like this is a romantic gesture, a form of wooing.

The truth is, he hasn't set any boundaries for himself and the women he dates. He keeps saying yes to their demands, thinking that all women are like this. He just assumes all of his dates want something from him. No wonder he's completely turned off.

This idea of "takers" doesn't only apply to women looking to be wined and dined. There are plenty of men who are "takers" as well - financial and emotional drains. Perhaps you've dated a man who was perpetually unemployed, who relied on you for housing, money, or other things to meet his needs? This is another form of taking.

When someone takes, there is an unequal balance in the relationship. Relationships aren't balanced 100% of the time - they go back and forth, with each person relying on the other at different times for support. When one side does all the giving and it goes on indefinitely, then the relationship not going to last. Neither side is going to feel happy and fulfilled. Both sides end up resentful.

Instead of blaming others, (because you can't control anybody else's behavior, only your own), try looking at what you can do. It's up to you to set your own boundaries and decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with, as well as what you expect from a relationship.

Instead of offering to pay for so much, try planning dates that aren't so expensive. Take a picnic to the park. Make a home-cooked meal. Do things that show gestures of love and effort rather than expense and see how she/ he responds. Then see if they return the favor and start taking you out, too.

There's no need to feel taken advantage of in dating. The key is, set your own boundaries and stick to them.

Watch out, world - there's a new eHarmony in town.

eHarmony has been an online dating staple since its launch in 2000, but it's hardly seen any changes over the last decade. Now eHarmony is finally ready to roll out some much-needed updates, catapulting the site squarely back into the middle of the modern online dating game. In fact, the new site is so up-to-date that it's even optimized for use on the iPad. Now that's hip.

The next generation of the site, code named "Malibu," has been redesigned to enhance the customer experience. The comprehensive remodeling will dramatically change the user dashboard and member profile pages, which will soon take on a magazine-like aesthetic for all members. Instead of displaying profile details in multiple box modules, the new and improved profiles aim to tell a story. Editing pages will also become a more intuitive experience.

Here's another change users are bound to be pleased about: no more third-party ads on the site. eHarmony's new commitment to engaging visuals and readability means that outside advertisements will no longer be seen on the site. The focus will be purely on creating relationships, with no distractions.

A new relationship questionnaire will also be making its debut on eHarmony. The stuffy and intimidating design of the old questionnaire will be replaced by a colorful and image-heavy design that looks more like a game and less like a daunting clinical form. Now that the sign-up process takes half the time to complete, the site has seen a 20% spike in the number of new users who fill out the questionnaire.

With the eHarmony redesign also comes this treat for members: a new, more visual personality profile called "The Book of You." "Our thought is that in order to be ready for that amazing relationship or that amazing person, you really should understand yourself and how people perceive you," Arvind Mishra, the company's VP of product management, told Mashable. The first few sections of "The Book of You" will be available to all users. The later sections will only be available to members with premium subscriptions.

If you ask me, it's about time eHarmony gave their service a makeover. "Our original site was incredibly scientific and incredibly sterile," said Mishra, but the new site will focus on empowering the user. The fresh focus on user experience will bring a human, emotional element to the site that its previous iteration was lacking. eHarmony's commitment to creating lasting relationships is still there, but now it comes with a much prettier face and more enjoyable user experience.

When considering online dating, it’s likely you’ll hear more than a few misconceptions and cynical statements. Here’s one that might pop up: “Online dating? Ugh, I’m not that desperate.”

It’s true that online dating sites aren’t necessarily the first place the kids go to find their first true love (though who knows if that will be the case in the future). However, for many the online dating scene is far from desperate. In fact, some might consider it the smarter way to date.

Imagine yourself as a teen, before your first relationship, when romance was a dim possibility in the future. If pressed, you might have had some vague notion of a “dream match” - probably attractive, funny, all the usual traits - but you didn’t really know what you wanted or needed. After all, you didn’t really know who you were, yet.

After you’d tested the waters - through dating or relationships, getting to know different types of people through school and work, heck, just existing yourself and growing into an adult - that vague picture has filled in a bit with details. Sure, you want to keep your options somewhat open because you never know who might shape your perception, but chances are by this point you’ve got a pretty good idea of at least who you don’t want.

Online dating sites are full of people like you. They might not have the wide-eyed optimism of first love, but they’re probably not as blindly driven by their hormones as they once were, either. If they’re looking for a long-term relationship, chances are they’ve got a slightly better idea of what makes one work. If they’re not the type for something long-term, they’ve figured that already.

Additionally, they’ve all filled out profiles, just like you. Though some obviously give this process more thought than others, the act of writing a profile is a little bit of soul-searching - you have to figure out who you are in order to learn how best to present yourself. By editing red flags in your writing, you’re revealing the ones in your thought processes. That extra bit of self-awareness can only be good.

So don’t think of online dating as a place of last resort. Instead, see it for what it is: a place for adults, for those who’ve colored in their dreams - and intend to find the realistic counterpart.

A friend confessed to me, “I like the idea of online dating, but I’m afraid to try it. You see so many stories about bad people taking advantage. I feel like using an online dating site is the equivalent of walking down a dark alley.”

In fact, online dating is not like walking down a dark alley at all; that would imply that my friend was the only innocent fish in a pool of sharks. However, the online dating world is probably similar to walking down a busy city street in the middle of the day: there are all kinds, including some less-than-upstanding citizens. And with a little research and precaution, you can learn to spot and avoid entanglements with them - if, in fact, you ever encounter them at all.

People tend to worry about two types of danger: the scammers and the physical danger. In both cases, chances are you already have experience dealing with both dangers, whether you realize it or not. First, the scammers - the fake profiles that are out to manipulate you, probably for your money. If you have an email account, chances are you’ve encountered a spam email or several - sob stories, questionable English, and a request for money or account information.

Even if an online dating scammer operates more smoothly than those cut and paste emails, there are still similar elements: stories that seem too good to be true, red flags in language, requests for personal information, convoluted stories about why you can’t meet yet. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t be afraid to trust your intuition - ask a third party for their opinion, or back out altogether.

The worry of physical danger is more scary for most, but there are definitely precautions you can take - meet in a public location, have a friend stationed nearby if you’re feeling particularly nervous, take your own transportation. However, again, you’ve been meeting strangers your entire life; you’ve already developed gut instincts that will sound the alarm if someone feels sketchy. It doesn’t matter whether you meet someone at work, via online dating, at a bar, or at a grocery store; you possess the same logic and instincts.

So once again, don’t be afraid to bail if you don’t feel right; far better to wait for someone with whom you feel comfortable. The truth is, online dating is no more or less safe than the rest of the world, provided you use common sense and listen to your gut. So why let fear stop you from exploring the possibilities?

In the world of online dating, one of the quickest ways to get yourself pegged as a “creep” or “just a hookup” or even a potential spammer is to get explicit. When you talk about more than just romance, whether on your profile or in a first contact email, you run the risk that the reader will start to back away.

For some, this can be a puzzling concept. After all, you’re looking for a relationship or a date, right? And most adult relationships have a physical aspect as well as intellectual and emotional ones. When we talk about chemistry or a ‘spark,’ there’s obviously a physical component there as well. So why is it taboo to talk about such things on your profile?

The answer is this: most online dating sites are intended to be used to find someone to meet, not necessarily someone to immediately date or hook up with. While there are people who use them to look for something a little faster and less permanent than a lasting relationship, they aren’t necessarily the majority. So, in general, the “social rules” are the same as when you meet any random person in public for the first time.

Imagine that instead of an online dating site, you’re actually in a room, mingling with all these people. There will be some who are looking for a one-night stand, and by sending more overt, aggressive signals, they’re broadcasting that intent. Chances are, they’ll find someone likeminded. But everyone else moves a little more slowly; they’re expecting the usual greetings, introductions and small talk. The physical element, the chemistry, is still there, but it’s not typically addressed directly, until the couple is ready to get a little closer.

Thus, it’s not necessarily ‘wrong’ to be more forward about physical desires on your online profile, if that’s your main focus, but you have to be aware that that’s the message you’re sending. If someone is not clearly looking to move quickly in the physical realm, you’re not looking for the same thing; thus, don’t be surprised if emailing doesn’t go well. And if you are looking for a more slow-moving, long-term relationship, it helps to be aware that blunt desire is not the most successful approach. So think about the room full of mingling people; which kind are you?

eHarmony's free communication event is happening in the United States from June 28 to June 30 on eHarmony.com and in Canada from June 27 to July 1 on eHarmony.ca. This is a long weekend for Canada as July 1st is Canada Day. I am surprised that the US event is not happening next week when Independence Day is celebrated.

Update: 2013-07-03 - We just learned that eHarmony.com is also having a free communication weekend July 4 - 8 in celebration of Independence Day.

The main thing free communication weekends allow are for non-paying members to send and receive emails. So, all you need to do is visit eHarmony and create your account and fill out your profile (this can take about 30 minutes). Once completed you will then start to be sent matches based on the type of person you said you are looking for along with someone who has compatible personality traits with you. After reviewing their profiles and once you find one or more matches you like, you can then start the guided communication process. This process is 3 stages that allow you to better get to know each other. Once they are complete you can then move on to post guided communication which is eHarmony Mail (email). One thing to note is free communication does not include photos, secure call or skip straight to email.

There last free communication weekend happened in May on Memorial Day (see Story). To find out more about this service you can take a look at our in-depth review of the dating site eHarmony.