Online Dating

If I'm going to be arrested for committing a federal crime, I at least want it to be a federal crime I knew I was committing. Preferably something really badass, like a complicated art heist from a major museum.

What I don't want to go to jail for is my online dating profile, because when all the other prisoners talked about the crazy crimes they got locked up for, there's no way I could say "online dating."

All joking aside, apparently there's an actual chance that you could be committing a federal crime by - wait for it - lying on your online dating profile. Which means basically everyone is now a criminal. Here's what's going down...

There's big news coming out of the Coffee Meets Bagel camp: the free online dating site that provides one match every day at noon is expanding nationwide and releasing an iOS app.

Coffee Meets Bagel launched in New York City in 2012, when three sisters decided there must be a better way to date in the Big Apple. They created CMB based on three guiding principles:

1. Unless you want to tell others, your dating life should remain private.
2. Your friends are the best conduits for your dates.
3. Meeting quality people doesn't have to be so awkward or complicated.

Users sign up through Facebook and receive one match - a.k.a. a 'Bagel' - every day at noon that is somehow connected to them. Members then have a time limit in which to respond with a simple LIKE or PASS. If all goes well, Coffee and Bagel are put in touch via a private company texting line and magical breakfast-y sparks will fly.

Co-founder Dawoon Kang says that with the new iOS app, Coffee Meets Bagel is hoping to find the happy medium between traditional online dating services and the current trend of more casual dating apps. "We want to deliver you a very good-quality match, one that you would expect from subscription services, but with the fun of mobile apps," she told TechCrunch.

Coffee Meets Bagel is full of gamified elements that are bound to work well in a mobile context. Members earn 'coffee beans' in the app when they perform certain actions like inviting friends or filling out information. They can then use the beans to purchase special features, like the ability to return to a missed match or a score and ranking. Coffee beans can also be purchased separately.

After its successful launch in New York City, CMB expanded to Boston and San Francisco, followed by Chicago, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. The service is now being released to everyone, but the sisters warn that it could hit a few stumbling blocks along the way. In smaller cities with fewer users, the app may not be able to provide a daily match until word spreads and more local users have signed up.

"As we grow, our member base is going to become a lot more diverse," Kang says. "[We'll] have to refine the algorithm very quickly ... to be able to deliver a personal, relevant match." Coffee Meets Bagel has already made more than 1.5 million matches, so it sounds like that diversity isn't far off.

That's the question posed by Cliff Lerner, founder and CEO of SNAP Interactive, in a recent article on HuffPost.

Personally I like to think we've already decided that online dating is cool, but maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Maybe the rest of the world isn't as on-board with the idea as the social and professional circles I run in. For those people, Lerner says, the launch of Graph Search could make all the difference.

When Graph Search was announced, online dating sites went a little bit insane. Some feared that because it could meaningfully connect singles through friends and common interests, it would mean the end of traditional dating sites. It even includes the option to search by "relationship status," making it clear that dating is a key element of the new feature.

"The concern," Lerner explains, "is that singles will gravitate more and more towards Facebook for their online dating needs since Facebook already has superior data and profiles and now is offering enhanced friend and interest-based search and matching functionality for singles."

But fear not, online dating sites, because Lerner also says that line of thinking "couldn't be more wrong."

Facebook's Graph Search could be a valuable opportunity for dating sites. Currently only 1 in 5 singles visit a dating site each month, and the biggest opportunity dating sites have for growth is to crush the stigma associated with them once and for all. The best way to get that remaining 80% of singles to log onto online dating sites is to make it seem as normal as possible.

Enter Graph Search, which subtly blends online dating functionality into the Facebook experience. With the addition of "social dating" to Facebook, a brand new crop of singles is being introduced to online dating in an understated, but effective, way. And once they get a taste of what it has to offer, there's a good chance they'll turn to online dating sites to get more out of the experience.

Voila - Facebook Graph Search might actually be doing the online dating industry a favor, not driving a nail into its figurative coffin.

"It's only a matter of time before the online dating industry says a huge "thank you" to Facebook for removing the online dating 'stigma,'" writes Lerner, "and thus enabling millions of more singles to enter the 'online dating' market, which will ultimately expose many new millions of singles to destination dating sites."

Despite the fact that online dating has become increasingly popular in recent years, traces of stigma remain. One such block to progress can be rather insidious; you might have encountered it and not even known it. It goes something like this: “I suppose I’ll try online dating. If nothing else, I’ll get some funny stories out of it.”

Now, on the one hand, this could be interpreted totally innocently: theoretically you could apply that logic to anything in life. Indeed, one could say that it’s a healthy perspective - that the journey, the “stories,” the lessons you’ve learned even on dates that don’t result in a long-term relationship, were what was most important.

However, that’s not really what everyone means when they say that, and the alternative is somewhat darker and more disturbing. For some, online dating is still viewed as something alien, not like “regular” dating at all. And they’re buying into a movie cliche: they think that if their little “experiment” fails, at least they’ll be entertained by whatever scum the site dredged up for them.

Granted, these are two interpretations on opposite ends of a spectrum; most people who make these statements probably fall somewhere in the middle. But leaning towards that “dark” end of the spectrum can be problematic, even subconsciously. On some level, they’re anticipating one of two outcomes: a date that’s out of a fairy tale, or a date that’s out of a comedy (someone to be mocked later). In either case, they’re not really thinking of their date as a unique human being; they’re thinking of them as someone who will fill one of two roles.

Most people don’t want to view others so callously, and in fact they may be resorting to that point of view as a defense mechanism - a caricature isn’t intimidating or worth getting nervous about. But even with a good person at the core, if you’re viewing your potential date as a caricature, how can you properly assess whether there’s chemistry? How can you be fully invested in the date?

The good news is, most people simply think of online dating in this way when they’re talking themselves into signing up or emailing. Once they’re actually in person on their date, they can see that they’re not playing some role, and they’re not reading from a predictable script; reality takes over naturally. But it doesn’t hurt to ask yourself, or others: how do you really view your prospective matches? Do you really appreciate the journey, or are you expecting - one way or the other - a movie cliche?

In a move that will probably surprise no one, Facebook proposed updates to its Data Use Policy and Statement of Rights and Responsibilities for the millionth time.

In another move that will probably surprise no one, most users probably aren't even aware of Facebook's proposed changes.

And in a move that might actually surprise a few of you, Facebook allowed users to comment on the proposed changes and, after the commenting period closed, decided to delay the update as it deals with criticisms from privacy groups.

What? Facebook is being thoughtful, acting concerned about privacy, and taking others' feelings into account? Who are you and what have you done with Facebook?

Seriously, though, it's awesome that Facebook maybe cares a little bit about what its users actually think. Their announcement of the updates said that both the Data Use Policy and Statement of Rights and Responsibilities would receive new language that clarifies:

• How advertising works on Facebook
• What to expect when it comes to using your name, profile picture, content and personal info with ads or commercial content
• How to control or remove apps you've used
• What data you're sharing with mobile devices

The proposed updates were met with resistance from privacy groups, who asked the FTC to prevent Facebook from enacting the changes over concerns about how the social networking site handles user information for advertising. According to these groups, the new policy makes it easier for Facebook to use the data of its members for advertising without their consent.

"The Federal Trade Commission must act now to protect the interests of Facebook users," said a letter sent to the FTC and signed by officials from six groups, including the Electronic Privacy Information Center. "The right of a person to control the use of their image for commercial purposes is the cornerstone of modern privacy law."

The proposed new Data Use Policy states that Facebook will use the personal information supplied by users to provide more relevant advertisements. Unlike the previous Data Use Policy, which says "We do not share any of your information with advertisers (unless, of course, you give us permission)," the new policy says nothing about permission ("...we may use all the information we receive about you to serve ads that are more relevant to you."). It's a small change in language that means an awful lot.

Privacy groups now fear that actively giving permission is a thing of the past and that by using Facebook, your permission is automatically assumed. The real issue here is that companies like Facebook need to communicate in simple, plain language about how they handle users' data. Until that transparency is achieved, we have a long way to go.

Have you been online dating a while? Do you feel like you aren't getting matched with the right people? Are you sending emails that get no responses? Rest assured, it's not you. But there are a few things you can do to help garner more interest online.

Often people think if they post a couple of pictures and answer basic profile questions, and then potential dates will come running. But this isn't the case - for most of us, we have to put in some effort in order to reap the results. So how do you attract more people to you?

Following are a few tips that are often overlooked when creating a profile or sending email messages. If you take the time to do these, you'll see better results:

Tell a story. There is a phrase writers often tell each other when crafting a good story: "show, don't tell." This means, instead of just saying "I like to mountain bike," provide some detail. Talk about your trip to southern California and how you rode through treacherous canyons and encountered snakes or coyotes along the way. You get the point. Tell a story, don't just make a statement. Make it come alive - then you have a conversation starting point.

Send more emails. How many emails should you send to potential dates every week? Five, ten, or twenty? Try fifty. If you aren't getting responses, it's because you aren't reaching enough people. Not everyone is going to respond to your email, no matter how great your profile may be. Be careful to not be generic, though. If you don't have the time to craft a lot of emails, then make the few you do send really count. Read the profiles of your potential dates, and talk about something they mentioned. Make your email stand out.

Have a friend look at your profile. Sometimes we can't be objective when we're trying to sell ourselves. We either think we're bragging, or we don't see ourselves in a clear enough light. Leave it to your friends to help tell you all of your wonderful qualities, or to help steer you away from revealing too much or talking about your ex. They can give you perspective and help you to shine.

Use a catchy subject line in your emails. This is important but overlooked. "Hey what's up?" isn't going to draw attention anymore than a blank subject line. Instead, headline with something she said in her profile. "Scuba diving in Costa Rica?" or "Would love to meet a Dodgers fan" can help in getting your email read.

Avoid the negatives. Maybe you had a bad break-up, or maybe you know exactly what you want to avoid in your next relationship. But your online profile is not the place to communicate it. Focus instead on the things you DO want - your interests, your home life, what you like to do on weekends. It's a new relationship, after all.