Online Dating

I hear a lot of feedback from people when I tell them I write about dating. It's a hot-button issue for many, and most of the time, they can’t wait to share with me all of their dating horror stories and the confusing messages they receive. In fact, this was the reason I wrote my book, Date Expectations.

But mostly, after the stories are told, they still want to know how to meet a great guy/ woman. Then, they want to know why it’s impossible to meet anyone decent on Tinder when practically everyone is on it. Then the last thing they want to know is: why should they even try online dating?

I admit, online dating is hard. Regular dating is hard. Thinking of the perfect message to send someone you’re interested in is daunting. So why even bother going up to a complete stranger and trying to start a conversation when it’s even more intimidating and stressful, and you can’t delete your line and start over again?

But I think most people have misconceptions about online dating. Looking for love is not like going to Amazon, reading the reviews, and ordering the jacket you want in just the right size or color. Dating is dealing with human beings – none of them perfect, all with some type of baggage or issues – but many people refuse to let go of their fantasies about the “perfect” partner, and think their made-to-order person is out there waiting to be found.

Before you protest and say you have an open mind, you've dated a lot of different people and none were right, let’s investigate. Think about the times you’ve scrolled through profiles on Tinder. What made you reject someone? Was he too short? Did she wear too much make-up? Did he have a job you didn’t like? Did she seem too fat? Typically, when we find something “wrong” with someone, we tend to ignore the other great qualities and dismiss without even some consideration. We think it’s because we don’t want to waste time. But really – when you date the people who have all the characteristics you like, chances are they still aren't quite "The One;" there are still flaws.

The truth is, romantic relationships require patience. Sure, you can have instant chemistry with someone (which helps the process along), but if you don’t have the same relationship goals, or you find out later you don't have much in common, or that he’s really a jerk, you are left angry and confused.

On the other hand, if you meet someone you like but aren’t sure about, chances are you move on to the next without letting the relationship unfold. We are in such a rush to get to the “end” – the relationship with the perfect partner – that we could totally miss someone who could be that, because we are derailed by what we think we want – good job, height, etc. – and not by what we actually want – someone who listens and understands who we are.

This takes time. This takes effort. I encourage all of you to date at a slower pace, and get to know each person. Love unfolds in front of you, sometimes when you least expect it - and more often, with the person you never would have expected.

Digital dating services have helped millions of people worldwide find love, but critics say they've also increased public health risk. The use of dating sites and apps continues to rise, causing some to believe STIs are on the rise as a result.

Rhode Island health officials recently reported that the state has seen an uptick in a number of STIs over the last year. Between 2013 and 2014, the number of RI citizens diagnosed with syphilis increased by 79%. The numbers of newly diagnosed HIV patients and cases of gonorrhea also increased, by 33% and 30%, respectively.

Rhode Island’s health department says the increase in diagnoses is due in part to better and more frequent access to STI screening, but also believes dating services are at fault for allowing users to easily “arrange casual and often anonymous sexual encounters.”

This is not the first time dating services have been accused of fueling rising STI rates, but others believe the accusations are unwarranted.

In a study published in 2007 in the journal AIDS Care, Dr. Brian Mustanski, a professor of medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, concluded that those already prone to high-risk sex use dating services to meet partners, not that meeting partners online causes high-risk sex.

Still, a number of dating apps have taken steps to address the issue. Gay dating app Hornet, for example, prompts users to update their HIV status every three months. Scruff, another app for gay men, gives free and geographically targeted banner ads to local non-profits that work with the LGBT community, some of which address sexual health. There are also niche dating services that cater to users who know their STI status.

David Semerad, the CEO of STRV, a mobile and digital agency that has helped develop a number of dating apps, told Newsweek “There's so much power in the hand of these apps. If a dating app is a big part of your life, it has a huge impact on your decisions. You need to make it cool to be healthy and get tested often.”

Mustanski also believes dating companies should support larger public health efforts, though he doesn't see a direct correlation between online dating and risky sexual behavior. He says research shows people are most likely to take positive actions regarding their health when they're pointed directly to a place for help, like a dating app offering GPS directions to the nearest clinic for STI screening.

Weigh in: should dating services help promote safer sex?

Aziz Ansari already has a reputation as an actor, stand-up comic, and fashionable gentleman. Now, as author of a new book called Modern Romance, he's looking to add “dating guru” to that list.

The book is a humorous collection of essays and observations that chronicle the challenges of looking for love in the age of Tinder. Ansari is no stranger to the subject. He's talked extensively in his stand-up about the ways technology — smartphones, texting, social media, online dating, and more — affects today’s dating landscape. But this time, he's coming at it from a different angle.

Modern Romance was written with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, who provides a welcome dose of serious insight to balance Ansari's humor. Together they conducted a research project that took over a year to complete and involved hundreds of interviews.

“We talked to old people, married people, young people, single people, everybody,” Ansari tweeted. “We also enlisted some of the best social scientists to help us understand and study all the facets of modern love and romance.”

The results are both funny and fascinating. Texting, in particular, was a popular subject. Modern Romance highlights several bad texting habits plaguing 21^st century daters:

• Ambiguity. Are you “hanging out” or going on a date? “The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end,” Ansari writes. “Since it’s usually the guys initiating,” he adds, “this is a clear area where men can step it up.” Guys, time to step it up and get straightforward.
• Endless nonsense. “I can’t tell you how many girls I met who were clearly interested in a guy who, instead of asking them out, just kept sucking them into more mundane banter,” writes Ansari. Let that be a lesson to you: skip the boring back-and-forths about laundry and grocery shopping. Get to the good stuff: are you meeting up, when, and where?
• “Hey.”If that's all you have to say in a text message, it's better left unsent. Especially if it has multiple Ys. Although Ansari admits to sending plenty of his own “hey” texts, he cautions that “generic messages come off as super dull and lazy” and “make the recipient feel like she’s not very special or important to you.”

Thankfully, it's not all bad. “We also found some really good texts that gave me hope for the modern man,” Ansari says. A good text, he explains, involves any or all of these:

• An invitation to something specific at a specific time
• A callback to a previous interaction with the person
• A humorous tone

Pre-order a copy of the book here and start channeling your inner Aziz.

Tinder is looking to make a new kind of match: the kind between advertisers and consumers.

Since Tinder's launch in 2012, it has remained a largely ad-free space. Users had plenty to love about that approach, but the model was less successful for a company in need of revenue. To fix the earnings issue, Tinder is joining the trend of dating services offering purchasable ad space.

It's an expected move for Tinder, but a big one nonetheless, and it's uncertain how users will respond. On one hand, an ad-free user experience is preferable because it is seamless and free of annoyance.

On the other hand, users are hardly ignorant to the business side of the services they use. Most understand that a company like Tinder needs money in order to continue, and that selling ad space is an effective way to generate revenue. If advertising allows the app to remain free to download, it’s a reasonable concession for a customer to make.

The question becomes “How will Tinder introduce advertisements in order to minimize backlash?” The app's interface is not conducive to unobtrusive advertising. Facebook Newsfeed ads are easy to scroll past and therefore minimally disruptive, but Tinder doesn't have that option.

An advertisement slipped directly into a user's personal profile would compromise their ability to present themselves accurately on the app. Instead, Tinder will have to create ads that mimic profiles – they'll take up the entire screen, and users will swipe into and out of them. The challenge for brands will be to take advantage of this, by creating thematically relevant advertising content.

Another eye-catching strategy means using video (again with thematic relevance to users). Video could be considered unnecessarily disruptive, so brands will have to tread carefully. Knowing both their own demographic and Tinder's demographic – and making sure they align – will be key. Video ads are a riskier move for Tinder as well, as users may find them too irritating.

How users respond to these kinds of ads remains to be seen, but the experiment is an intriguing one. It’s clear that both Tinder and the advertisers are venturing into largely unexplored territory. OkCupid has seen brands successfully create thematically relevant ad content on its site, while companies like Match and Meet Me have had ads included in their applications for years, but it is still a relatively new practice.

Tinder's audience of tech-savvy millennials may also present a unique set of challenges. It will be interesting to see which strategies prove most effective for that highly sought after market.

Were you wondering who is most likely to reach out to you over social media or an online dating app? Social network and dating app Skout has combed its database to discover the types of people who appear to be the most social, at least online.

Not surprisingly, tall men are not only desirable, but also more sociable. According to Skout's data, the number of online friendships men have increases with their height. Short men (under 5’6”) have, on average, online connections with 11 people. Men of average height (between 5’10” and 6’) have, on average, online connections with 16 people, whereas tall men (over 6’3”) have an average of 17 online connections. (Note: Skout defines an online connection as a conversation initiated by one Skouter who receives at least one response from the other person. There could be additional conversations with the same person, but it would still be included as one connection.)

Women trend the opposite when it comes to height. Short women – under 4’11” – average online connections with 33 people, whereas tall women (over 6’) average online connections with less than half -  only 14 people. So ladies, if you are petite – you are in demand online!

An interesting finding that runs contrary to online dating stereotypes is that women who describe themselves as “curvy” or have “more to love” tend to be more socially active than their thin counterparts (28 connections on average, compared to 20 respectively). So if you’re thinking about dismissing or hiding your curves in your online dating profile, it is worth your while instead to show them off, reach out to people, and make more connections.

Bigger men however don’t fare so well. Men who say they are “athletic” and “muscular” are the most popular -  averaging connections with 19 people, whereas men who say they are “large,” “solid” or have “more to love” average online connections with only 14 people.

Age plays a role in most daters’ sociability, too. On average, 18-20 year-old who are just starting out in the dating game are very sociable online, with an average of 14 connections per person for women and 7 for men. People start coupling up or feeling jaded by the time they hit their twenties and into their thirties, with fewer connections than ever. By the time people reach their forties, they have picked up the pace again, and tend to have the highest number of connections – 16 on average per person for women and 8 for men.

The study was compiled over a six-month period with over one million Skout users in the U.S.

Popular dating apps like Tinder and Grindr have a reputation of being so-called "hook-up" apps. While more and more people are turning to dating apps to meet singles for long-term love and/ or a casual affair, this trend appears to coincide with a rise in the rates of syphilis and HIV, too.

Public health officials in Rhode Island released a health report last week stating that there has been a 79% rise in syphilis cases in the state between 2013 and 2014, and that it’s attributable in part to the use of social media and dating apps to arrange casual or anonymous hookups. People having unprotected sex, multiple sex partners, and having sex under the influence of drugs and alcohol were also cited as reasons for the increase in STDs.

“These new data underscore the importance of encouraging young people to begin talking to a doctor, nurse, or health educator about sexual health before becoming sexually active and especially after becoming sexually active,” Rosemary Reilly-Chamma of the Rhode Island Department of Education said in the report.

A rise in STDs, particularly HIV and syphilis, were also reported in New York, Utah, and Texas, where officials have warned of increased risk of transmission. The New York City Health Department announced earlier this year that men in the neighborhood of Chelsea had the highest infection rate of syphilis in the country.

Anindya Ghose, co-author of a study that monitored the rise of STDs along with the launch of Craiglist personals ads, believes that online dating apps have had a similar effect. "Basically what the Internet does is makes it a lot easier to find a casual partner," he told VICE News. "Without the Internet you'd have to put effort into casual relationships, chatting with someone at the bar or hanging out in places, but these platforms make it a lot more convenient and easy. That's essentially what the primary driver is."

Others disagree, citing a lack of education and resources, especially for young people, the largest group at risk. They argue that community health providers, doctors, and even schools should educate people about the risks of not using condoms and other protection when engaging in casual sex. Access to condoms and affordable healthcare are two big concerns.

Social media and dating apps make it easier to meet people, but they didn’t create the problem of STD risk. They magnified a problem that already existed – casual sexual encounters without adequate knowledge of safety and protection leave people vulnerable to risk.