Online Dating

Dating is an incredibly personal subject. After all, you’re a unique individual, and ultimately you’re the one who chooses to make a commitment with someone. Including someone else in the mix is another, unnecessary set of opinions and preconceptions. Thus, it may surprise you to find that including a trusted friend or family member in the early stages of the online dating process might not be such a bad thing.

A note: the key here is to find someone who is truly trusted, and preferably, someone who only builds you up and doesn’t harm your self-esteem. Writing an online dating profile is a vulnerable process; it’s hard to be honest with yourself if you’re too self-conscious or someone is actively bringing you down. However, if you do have such a trusted friend, they can be a boon to your online profile.

First, they can function as simply a second pair of eyes, a second level of proofreading defense. Just because your spellcheck doesn’t flag a word doesn’t mean you didn’t type the wrong word altogether - but an objective observer might spot such a typo before you do. You can bounce ideas off a friend, and they’ll give you feedback; together, you might figure out a more interesting or creative way to say what you want. In this case, two heads just might be better than one.

Choosing a friend who loves and adores you means they likely see the good in you - possibly positive attributes that you don’t see in yourself. If you’re having trouble seeing the glass as half full, they can be a valuable source of ideas and simple self-esteem boosts. When it comes to choosing a photo, they can help you choose one that really shows the “real you”; when you choose a photo yourself, it can be too easy to get hung up on the fact that your hair isn’t right or your smile is a little goofy.

They might also more easily spot red flags. When we start to think negatively about ourselves, chances are we don’t even notice it; as long as we’re not actively complaining, we think we’re fine. But little turns of phrase can be incredibly revealing to an outsider. A good friend can help you scan for these, and maybe even serve as a sounding board to address these issues.

Finally, a friend who’s clued in on your online dating progress is great to have when you start going on dates. You can give them the information about your first meeting and your potential match, and feel comfortable that they won’t give you a hard time. If you’re particularly nervous about safety issues, you can even have them “lurk” in the same public space where you’re meeting your date.

That doesn’t mean your friend will be a part of any relationship you enter, or even that they’ll have information and opinions about potential matches. Again, once a relationship forms, it’s between you and your partner. But forming an online dating profile can be daunting; if you have a supportive friend, there’s nothing wrong with having a writing buddy.

First impressions count, especially in online dating. There are so many people registered on online dating sites that it's more important now than ever to stand out from the crowd. And the most effective way to do that is to optimize the first point of contact for any potential date - your photos.

I'm always surprised to see people posting grainy photos, or shots with so much glare you can't make out the person's face, or pictures taken while staring at a reflection in the bathroom mirror. These are all online profile don'ts, because it doesn't give potential dates a snapshot of the real you.

How many times have you met someone for the first time and were disappointed because she didn't look like her pictures? Well, don't make the same mistake yourself. Posting great pictures isn't just about looking your best, it's about giving people a glimpse of who you are.

Following are some ways to choose the best online dating photos:

Stay current. While you might think you look the same as you did on that trip to Vegas five years ago, you don't. It's important to show who you are now, even if you have a few more wrinkles or an extra ten pounds. Honesty goes a long way in online dating.

Pick one headshot and one body shot. Potential dates want to see who you are. Don't be sly and post grainy, blurry, or otherwise poor quality photos. Choose one nice headshot and another that is full-length. If you only post photos from the neck up they will assume you have something to hide. So show off!

Pick at least one "active" picture. This is really important. You want to tell a story with pictures, because many people flip through photos first before they even start to read the profile. If you tell them your interests in photos - whether it's a shot of you hiking, sailing, horseback riding, or playing the guitar, they have a conversation starter.

Don't hide your face. Stay away from photos with hats and sunglasses as they hide your features. People like to see your eyes, your hair, and your whole face - not what you're wearing.

Don't stand beside your toys, friends or exes. Many guys like to take pictures next to their expensive cars, houses, or boats. This is not attractive to women. It makes you look like you have something to prove. Instead, choose pictures of you - just you. And ladies - don't include a group shot with friends, otherwise he might never figure out which one is you. (And do you really want to know he thought he was emailing your friend?) And for both sexes - choosing pictures with exes is a big no-no. We can tell even if you Photoshop them out. Leave them out of the mix.

So about that whole "lying in your online dating profile" thing...

You shouldn't do it. I know it. You know it. I know you know it. You know I know it. And yet you're going to do it anyway. Or, at least, you'll be tempted.

I get it...you want to put your best foot forward, and sometimes it feels like the only way to do that is to invent a totally new foot.

Here's the truth: you don't need that new foot, and it's more likely to hurt you than to help you. Here's why you shouldn't lie in your online dating profile:

Reason #1 - It's not fair to you.

• You're selling yourself short if you aren't honest in your online dating profile. You'll never find someone you're really compatible with if you lie about who you really are. Instead you'll wind up with someone who's perfect for the person you were pretending to be, which won't make either of you happy. Do yourself a favor and be honest so you can meet a match who is actually right for you.

Reason #2 - It's not fair to them, either.

• Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot (sorry for all the feet metaphors today). Would you be happy if you fell for someone, only to find out later that they were nothing like the person they pretended to be? You'd feel cheated, angry, resentful, maybe even humiliated. That kind of dishonesty will end the relationship the moment it is revealed.

Reason #3 - It's a lot of work.

• Seriously - inventing and maintaining a good lie takes a lot of effort. Unless you're some kind of sociopathic supergenius, you're probably not going to be able to pull it off. At some point your story will slip, and then you'll be in serious trouble. It's better to tell the truth from the beginning than to have to constantly cover your tracks.

Reason #4 - It's not a quality people look for in a relationship.

• Have you ever seen a dating profile that mentioned "dishonesty" in the list of desirable traits in a partner? No, you haven't. You'll never find it nestled between "Intelligence," "Humor," and "Confidence." No one is looking for a partner who thinks it's better to lie than to be themself. Long-term relationships are built on truth and trust; founding one on a lie is bound to end in disaster.

Reason #5 - It's a waste of time.

• It wastes your time. It wastes your date's time. It probably even wastes the time of someone I haven't thought of yet. Why devote so much effort to creating a profile full of lies when you could be putting that same amount of time into crafting a wonderful and honest profile? The truthful profile will make you a happier match than the dishonest one ever could.

If you'd asked me about speed dating a few weeks ago, I probably would have responded with a blank stare. Speed dating? Does anyone even do that anymore? Haven't those people heard of the Internet? It seemed like a completely outdated approach to finding love.

Then along came not one, not two, but three friends who had all taken a chance on speed dating in recent months. One even involved a boat. Apparently I didn't have my finger on the pulse of the dating industry as much as I thought I did...speed dating is still alive and well, and it's definitely not just for people who haven't heard of the Internet yet.

Curious about what seemed like a very retro way to date, I started to research speed dating. Ok, so people were doing it, but does it work? Is there any way it could possibly be better than the online dating sites I'd come to know and love?

Two researchers at Stanford University in California were just as intrigued by speed dating as I was. They found that there are a few key factors of the standard four-minute speed date that predict whether two people are likely to hit it off. They rounded up students to take part in a series of recorded speed dating sessions, then analyzed 1,100 transcripts of the subjects' dates.

According to the study, men and women most often said they clicked when their conversation focused mainly on the women. Women were more likely to report connecting with men who used appreciative language (like "That's great!"). Women also reported greater levels of connection with men who interrupted them - but only when they did so to show understanding and engagement (like "Exactly").

Counterintuitively, asking questions was not necessarily a hallmark of a good dating conversation. Asking questions actually signals a lack of connection, most likely because it indicates that the participants feel the need to put effort into keeping a boring conversation going. Signs of a good conversation are much more subtle, like the variation in speech volume.

While some previous research on speed dating has found that physical attractiveness is the most powerful force determining whether two people are initially attracted to each other, the Stanford study proves there's more going on. Another study found that speed-dating couples with similar speaking styles were more likely to report a mutual connection.

Speed dating still seems like a thing of the past to me, but if science thinks there's something to it, who am I to argue? Studies have proved that people are shockingly quick to determine whether or not they're interested in seeing someone again and though swift, it appears their decisions are based on more than just a pretty face.

For some sites that offer this type of service you can check out our speed dating category.

Congratulations to ChristianMingle.com, which recently reached a major milestone: the site has now passed the 10 million member mark.

To commemorate the achievement, ChristianMingle launched a nationwide search for the most inspiring love story. All entrants must have met through ChristianMingle.com, and one lucky couple will receive a "second honeymoon" to an all-inclusive Club Med Resort on Columbus Isle in the Bahamas Archipelago of San Salvador.

Greg Liberman, CEO of Spark Networks, owner and operator of ChristianMingle, is justifiably proud of the company's success. "Cresting the 10 million member milestone, with most of those members joining in the past couple of years, is just another indicator of the impact ChristianMingle has on the Christian community," he says. "Our mission at Spark Networks is to create iconic, niche-focused brands that build and strengthen the communities they serve, and ChristianMingle's growth is a reflection of laser-focus on the needs and values of the Christian community."

There's sure to be many more milestones in ChristianMingle's future. According to the State of Dating in America report, 94% of Christian singles think online dating is a great way to meet people. ChristianMingle has certainly felt the boost from the Christian community's increasing acceptance of online dating:

• ChristianMingle members are now associated with 246,797 churches across the country.
• In 2012, California-based ChristianMingle visitors surpassed those of any other state.
• More than 2,500 different types of devices are used to access ChristianMingle each month.
• Every day, more than 200,000 messages are sent by ChristianMingle members.
• ChristianMingle users "smile" at each other nearly 100,000 times each day.
• More than 10,000 new subscribers join ChristianMingle on a daily basis.

ChristianMingle considers itself the premier online community for Christian singles looking to meet a match within their faith. The site's success can be chalked up to its targeted, laser-focused dating experience, based on the premise that Christianity is central to a person's identity and therefore should be an influential force in the choice of a partner.

To build on their mission to support and expand the Christian community, ChristianMingle plans to continue their expansion. "Our commitment to building and strengthening the Christian community is evident not only through ChristianMingle," says Liberman, "but also through our growing Gospel Media Group, a network of online destinations, which includes not only ChristianMingle.com, but also Believe.com, Faith.com, DailyBibleVerse.com, and ChristianCards.net."

For the contest, ChristianMingle announced on it's Facebook page the winning couple on July 15th. For more on this dating site you can read our review of ChristianMingle.

Falling in love is portrayed as many things: sudden, impetuous, unexpected, serendipitous. A roller coaster of emotion. These are the things we expect, based on stories we’ve heard, books we’ve read and movies we’ve seen. As such, sometimes people are hesitant to try online dating because they feel it might be the opposite - or when they do decide to sign up, some do it in the most spur-of-the-moment, impetuous way possible. Editing? Doing research? That all sounds like homework, some might say.

Maybe, in a way, it is. But here’s why you don’t need to worry about losing the spark of spontaneity if you decide to try online dating: because the falling in love doesn’t happen through a profile. And just as you might research a venue before a first date, or review a movie to ensure it’s not inappropriate for budding love, doing your online dating homework can help ensure a smoother path for your emotional roller coaster.

For example, some people might just choose an online dating site at random. While that’s not always bad, and sometimes you’ll find duplicate profiles across sites anyway, checking out a few other sites certainly never hurts. You might find that the people in your area tend to favor one site over another, or that the profiles present information in a way you find more intuitive or inspiring. Perhaps people with your niche interests all seem to congregate at one particular site. Feeling comfortable with a site can make or break the experience for some. You don’t have to feel like you need to belong to every site out there, but it doesn’t hurt to make sure you’re as comfortable as you could be.

When you start browsing sites, chances are you’ll be reading profiles. After just a handful of them, you’ll probably start to notice patterns or cliches. Maybe you’ll notice a profile that stands out as “different” or particularly appealing. Channel your inner student and take notes! So many people later feel their first draft was so generic; why not skip over that step and figure out how to set yourself apart a little sooner? Also, don’t forget to maintain your profile over time - just because that movie reference felt right six months ago doesn’t necessarily mean it does now. Editing and maintenance might seem like a chore, but it’s a worthy one.

Remember, the point of a profile is find new people to meet than you otherwise wouldn’t have. And, ultimately, the “how-you-met” part isn’t really the most exciting part of the story. It’s a jumping-off point, but it only gains importance because of what came later: the butterflies, the ups and downs, the real story. Doing your homework might not seem particularly spontaneous, but it only helps you find that person more easily.