Online Dating

Once you’ve been checking out online dating profiles for awhile, a scary trend emerges: you think you start seeing patterns. Maybe most of the people who tend to like a certain book also tend to like a certain movie, or have certain political beliefs. Maybe most of the people with wild-colored hair and glasses also tend to like a certain graphic novel. Even more strangely, sometimes those people even sound a little bit alike.

The first time it happens, you double check to make sure you’re not seeing a literal copy-and-paste profile, but nope, they’re just very similar. And at that point, you’re in danger of heading down a slippery slope: stereotypes.

In online dating, the one danger is that you could start to think of people in terms of numbers, “types,” profiles, typos - anything but an actual person with unique characteristics. Because the truth is, even if two people share all the same interests, there’s no guarantee that they have remotely the same personality. How many of us have run into someone we should be fast friends with based on interests, but absolutely can’t stand? Now imagine that everyone is judging you based on your hobby-doppelganger.

Now, there’s a difference between characteristics that aren’t healthy for you and stereotyping someone. For example, imagine Kate isn’t having any luck with relationships. She analyzes her former flames and decides that the problem is that the majority were alternative-type men with tattoos. Next time, she decides, she’ll avoid men with tattoos.

In reality, the body ink was not the problem or the true common link; the lack of commitment and sheer arrogance was. And the next man Kate dates, the suave businessman who golfs and sneers at everyone, is no different.

In stereotyping, we’re looking at a set of outer characteristics and deciding we already know everything we need to; it doesn’t usually have anything to do with the actual personality. If you receive random, anonymous hateful messages, they’re probably from someone who’s been doing some stereotyping themselves, with toxic results.

The obvious problem with stereotyping is that it can cause you to skim rather than read properly. You could become jaded and feel like you’ve “seen it all,” and maybe it’ll make the profile searching faster - but who knows what you might be missing out on? When you sit down to peruse profiles, even if it’s your 1000th, remember: you’re not trying to rush through your homework. You’re searching to find and meet a human being who seems fun, interesting and maybe even compatible.

Part of the appeal of online dating is the ability to suss out a prospective match before you actually meet in person. We scan for red flags in online profiles and in emails; we might even attempt to do an internet search once we have a real-life name. We have extra time in which to make decisions (such as accepting or asking for a first date), and we value that time.

However, perhaps we shouldn’t drag our feet too much. While there’s nothing wrong with looking for red flags, particularly if you’re nervous about online dating in general, all that extra decision-making time isn’t always useful. Consider:

Spending too much time in back-and-forth communication before the first date might muddle the waters rather than clarify them. The chemistry of a pair of pen pals is completely different from that of a romantic couple. It’s entirely possible that you could get along smashingly via email, but fall flat in person - or vice versa. Thus, if you’re having difficulty deciding how you feel, try exploring why that is; it’s quite possible that you already have more than enough information.

After all, don’t underestimate the importance of the gut feeling. Yes, intuition is best paired with good old-fashioned, well-reasoned logic, but sometimes we forget about what our instincts are telling us. If your potential match seems great, but something inside you warns of danger, there’s nothing wrong with giving it the benefit of the doubt. And if you know you feel confident about accepting a date after one email exchange, you don’t necessarily have to drag it out just to reinforce that gut feeling.

Remember: you make snap judgments about people every day in person. Maybe you’ve gotten along with a co-worker from the very first conversation. Maybe you’ve felt someone was “off” without being able to put a finger on the exact reason. If you met someone with whom you really got along at a bar, would you insist on three more consecutive bar meetings before you gave them your number?

Granted, much of this gut instinct is enhanced in person - your brain is picking up on tiny things that you might not even realize. And that’s all the more reason to get to that first date; that’s where the real assessment happens. All the emailing beforehand is a prolonged introduction; you won’t know anything about your compatibility ‘til that first date. So what are you waiting for?

eHarmony.com and eHarmony.ca are having a free communication weekend that starts tomorrow and runs for 4 days (Aug 14 - Aug 18). This will probably be the last FCW of the summer so if you want to give eHarmony a try, these next few days will give you a chance to not only create a profile and view your matches but send emails as well.

During free communication weekends no credit card is required. Other dating sites during free trials tend to require a credit card before you can continue. eHarmony knows they offer a good service and believes singles who are looking for a long-term relationship shouldn't have a problem finding a match if they follow their process. One thing I will recommend you do is take the time and fill in your profile with the best answers possible. Do not rush it as this is the information the eHarmony matching algorithm uses to select your matches. If you are unsure what to write or select in any one question, usually the first answer that came to your mind is probably the correct one. If you still are unsure you can always skip the question, reflect on the answer, and come back later.

Please note FCW do not include the following features: photos in profiles, secure call over your phone, or skip the guided communication process to go straight to email.

For more on this dating site you should read our eHarmony review and take a look at the user reviews other visitors have posted. eHarmony also had a free communication weekend in July (see Story).

Wake up. Scan your Facebook news feed. Check your notifications on Twitter. Post to your Tumblr. Favorite a friend's photo on Instagram. Share an interesting article on Google+. Add a pin to your newest Pinterest board. Update your qualifications on LinkedIn. Then check your email, blog, and online dating profile.

And that's before you've even had breakfast.

We're living in a social media-saturated world, and there's plenty of evidence to suggest that our obsession with digital connectivity has changed the way we relate to each other. Now, what started as a fun and ground-breaking way to meet new friends and keep in touch with old ones may be turning into a time-consuming chore.

According to a recent survey conducted by E-Score, consumer attitude towards social media could be shifting. While awareness and usage of social media sites continues to remain high, the allure of using them is starting to fade.

The survey identified the social media sites with the most consumer awareness, as well as the appeal of those sites. Facebook scored the highest for both awareness and appeal, with 140 million unique monthly visitors in the US. Twitter came in second, followed by Google+. Dating sites eHarmony and Match.com rounded out the top 5.

Though two online dating sites were among the top five most recognizable social media brands, they were also among the lowest when ranked by appeal. Online dating has overcome many hurdles since its inception, but it seems it still has a few to clear.

Both Facebook and Twitter also earned surprising scores. They are two of the most recognizable and popular social media platforms, but they scored unexpectedly low in the appeal ratings. The survey's findings suggest that these social media sites are either habit-forming (and I think few of us who use them would disagree with that) or viewed as a necessity rather than a pastime.

"During the past five years, the role of social media has shifted from a leisure activity to an integral and, at times, mandatory, part of our lives," said Gerry Philpott, president of E-Poll Market Research. Social media fatigue could be setting in as using social media sites becomes more about obligation and less about fun.

I don't think the fall of social media is happening any time soon, but it's an intriguing prospect. Will something we once thought was a positive addition to our lives become something we can't stand?

What do you think: are we experiencing social media burnout?

Imagine you see this while you’re perusing online dating profiles: “I’m ultimately looking for a long-term relationship, but I’m fine with something that is lower-pressure, too. I’m cool with whatever, no expectations or demands.” How would you interpret that statement?

Some might think that the writer of that profile was looking for an attachment-free hookup, a one-night stand. “No expectations or demands” is interpreted to mean “no expectations that this will go anywhere or demands on your time or emotions.” In fact, this is probably the more common interpretation of this statement; most readers will assume that’s what the author means when they’re “cool with whatever.”

However, there’s another possible meaning behind that statement - that instead of feeling the pressure to date and get into a physical relationship, the author is fine with friendship. “No expectations or demands” is meant physically. It’s definitely a less common interpretation, and actually there’s even a third option: that the author is including both possibilities and literally are open to relationships in any form. In this instance, however, “friendship instead of dating” was actually what the author meant when they wrote it! Imagine their surprise when most of the messages they received dealt with one-night stands!

It just goes to show that even the most carefully worded profile can suffer from blind spots. If you’re receiving indications that something isn’t adding up, don’t be afraid to call in friends or family for a second opinion and an extra set of eyes. Perhaps if the author in question had run their profile past someone else, this ambiguous statement would have been caught early on. There’s no need to over-proofread your profile, but if things aren’t going your way, it might help to ask yourself: are you sending the messages you think you are?

On the hit show True Blood, Deborah Ann Woll has sexy vampire mind-control powers to seduce men. In real life, her love story is a little more tame.

Ok, a lot more tame.

In 2007, Woll joined Match.com. Then 23 and fresh out of the University of Southern California's theater school, she wanted to meet someone genuine and grounded that she could build a life with.

"I'm shy, and I'd always had a hard time meeting boys," she told Glamour. "I had a serious boyfriend in high school, but Hollywood, where it's all about being 'cool,' terrifies me! When I opened my Match account, I'd done a few guest spots but wasn't on True Blood yet, and I wanted to find someone grounded."

She found that someone in the form of 32-year-old comic E.J. Scott. Part of what drew her to Scott was the honesty in his Match profile: he mentioned that he had been diagnosed with choroideremia, a rare disease that causes progressive loss of vision and aversion to bright lights.

Scott says he was attracted to her right away. "I kept clicking through her photos, and there was one that had this great big smile," he said to Glamour. "I'm a big smile guy. Her profile said she liked Mystery Science Theater 3000. She was so pretty yet so nerdy! I just had a feeling about her."

Woll says she connected with Scott right away because she felt like she could be herself with him, and he too was taken with her from day one. Now the couple is living proof that relationships that begin on Match.com, or any other dating site, can go the distance. Woll and Scott have stayed strong through a break-up, several years of a long-distance relationship, and the daily challenge of his declining vision.

Now the True Blood star is eager to start a family with her long-term boyfriend. "I didn't grow up imagining my wedding day," Woll says, "so we may not get married, but we're committed for life, and we want kids. I could wait, but his biological clock is ticking!" They estimate that Scott has 10 years left before he loses his vision completely, and they would like to have kids before he is more seriously impaired so he can see them grow up.

Despite the unusual obstacles they've faced, Woll and Scott have been together for six years and they're stronger than ever.

Best of luck to them both!