Online Dating

In online dating, you’ll probably frequently hear the phrase “be yourself.” In fact, you’ve probably been hearing it since you were in school making your first friends! Perhaps it’s become a bit of a cliche over the years - but that doesn’t make it any less true. For an example of why it’s important to be true to yourself, consider the stories of “Tom” and “Rachel.”

Tom’s been having a difficult time with his dating profile since he first sat down to write it. In his opinion, he’s not exciting enough. He looks at other profiles, of people who use words like “adventure” and “quest.” He sees pictures of others who are rock-climbing and skydiving and posing in front of famous pieces of architecture from around the world. Tom thought he was fun-seeking because he liked to drive around on the weekends and maybe try out a drive-in theater on a whim. Then he looked at profiles of people whose weekends were full of urban exploration and mountain climbing.

Rachel’s seen those types of profiles, too, and truth be told, she’s rather tired of them. “Everyone wants to prove how interesting and different they are,” she says. “The last few dates I’ve been on have all been some sort of hike or sport or adventure. Yeah, it might be fun, but there was no time to actually get to know the date. I think some people are literally just looking for a buddy to adventure with, rather than a relationship... which is fine for someone who wants that too, but it’s just not me.” Rachel doesn’t think she could keep up with someone that active in the long run, and she thinks it could actually affect the future of the relationship: “I get the feeling that if I’m not fun anymore, they’d move on anyway.”

In theory, Tom (or someone like him) might just be compatible with Rachel - but if Tom continues to try to make his profile seem like someone he’s not, they might never find one another. And in some small way, many of us are like Tom - striving to fit some ideal that just isn’t us. Consider: maybe constructing an illusion might get you greater numbers of dates - but would you be dating the people with a possibility of a meaningful, long-term relationship? How can you find someone with whom you’re truly compatible if you’re not presenting yourself?

Most people don’t think of dating, even dates that go nowhere, as “wasting time.” However, if you’re deliberately meeting people who wouldn’t be interested in the real you, that might be exactly what you’re doing. Are you presenting the real you?

Well, well, well...Plenty of Fish is really determined to make its reputation makeover a success, isn't it?

The site announced a new look on its blog over the weekend:

The header looks much more modern now. Is this the first of many cosmetic changes? Stay tuned.

POF has never been my cup of tea, but my curiosity was piqued enough to take a look. The changes aren't huge - it's more of a subtle nip/tuck than an entire facelift - but they're a step in the right direction. The new site looks cleaner and more modern than older versions, an adjustment it's needed since forever.

Why did it take so long for POF to join the modern era of dating? No idea. Does it still have a long way to go? Undoubtedly. But am I happy to see them inching towards becoming a dating site I might actually consider using? Of course.

It all started a couple of months ago when POF CEO Markus Frind announced plans to refocus the mission of the dating site. "In sticking with my vision that POF is all about Relationships," he wrote in a message to customers, "I'm going to make a bunch of changes to ensure it stays a relationship-focused site." Three modifications were implemented:

1. Any first contact between users containing sexual references was banned and automatically not sent by the site.
2. An age requirement went into effect, allowing users to contact people +/- 14 years of their age only.
3. The Intimate Encounters section of the site was removed.

Admittedly, I was skeptical. Plenty of Fish was one of the first dating sites I ever explored, and it was nearly enough to turn me off online dating for good. I wasn't interested in the people POF seemed to attract, and I couldn't stand the look of the site. It was cluttered and ugly - nothing like the sleek, clean, easy-to-navigate competition.

And now? Well...it's hard to shake the old feelings about POF completely, but I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. The new look is definitely an improvement. It's clearly still Plenty of Fish, but it's a better-looking version that seems to be designed for the more serious dater. And it sounds like more aesthetic tweaks are on the way that might make it even better.

The question is: will a cosmetic makeover, combined with Frind's changes to the workings of the site, be enough to bring POF on par with dating's major players?

For our full review on this dating site you should take a look at our Plenty of Fish page.

The trajectory of online dating has been interesting, to say the least. When online dating services launched, they were the future - a whole new way of meeting people that was conducted entirely over the Internet.

Now that the vast majority of us are comfortable with the idea of online dating, the industry is changing again, and this time it's moving offline. The new trend in online dating is in-person events that forego using the World Wide Web entirely. The latest of these social gatherings is an offline game night hosted by Match.com.

Match is no stranger to online dating innovation. The 18-year-old company introduced Stir, an offline events program, in May 2012 and has since hosted more than 2,850 mixers with more than 225,000 singles in attendance. Around the same time, Match also introduced an online games feature that offered singles a new way to get to know each other.

The games were designed to be a quick (just one to five minutes) and easy way to engage with new people. The initial seven games included Best & Worst, Food Critic, Romance Rip Off, Name That Dance, Gut Reaction, Drawn Together, and If I Could. Match's recent launch combines the playfulness of the online games with the huge success of Stir events, bringing them together into offline Stir Game Nights in partnership with the board game industry.

Match describes its new foray into offline events as "less about strategy and competition and more about laughing and having fun together." Two types of events are planned. At the first, Game Night Mashups, facilitators will lead participating singles through the games. At the second, Game Night Happy Hours, singles will borrow from a library of games to play on their own. Several publishers have partnered with the dating site, including Buffalo Games, Bananagrams, Blue Orange Games, and Wiggity Bang Games.

"Match.com believes that connecting with new people should be fun," said Luke Zaientz, VP of Events at Match.com. "Over the last year, we've seen it happen time and time again at our Stir events -- whether it's during a game of kickball, trivia, Ping-Pong or at our first wildly successful game night. We're excited to help our members connect over some of the best board games around, from well-known titles to the industry's newest hidden gems."

The full list of participating games includes:

• Bananagrams: Bananagrams, Zip-It
• Buffalo Games: Last Word, Likewise!, Chronology, Gotcha!
• Endless Games: Name 5, Oddly Obvious
• Blue Orange Games: Spot It!
• Spontuneous Games: Spontuneous
• Wiggity Bang Games: Open Up
• Marbles the Brain Store: Touchy Feely, Splickety Lit, Mind Your Marbles

Stir Game Nights will be hosted at bars and restaurants throughout the summer and fall.

As human beings, we tend to be a little self-absorbed. Not necessarily in a way that’s entirely negative; it’s simply that we tend to assume that our worries are somehow unique. For example, as a teen you might have felt that you were the only one nervous about the first day of school, and thought that everyone else had it all figured out - when, of course, everyone likely felt the same. Even as an adult, it can be tempting to assume that others will pick up on that slightly-windblown hair or that tiny spot on your sleeve, even if we would never notice such a trivial detail on anyone else.

Online dating can be stressful, frustrating, and we don’t tend to share all the gory details with everyone we meet; as such, it’s probably no surprise that many tend to feel like they’re the only ones who aren’t rolling in offers for dates. In reality, it’s incredibly common to go through “dry spells” of answers to your emails. Even during less arid seasons, most probably feel like they aren’t landing as many first dates as they’d like to, or feel like they should be. After all, online dating sites have hundreds or even thousands of members; why does it seem like only incompatible people are interested?

In truth, you’re far from the only person who feels that way. Remember, in online dating you’re not literally playing the numbers, like a slot machine; you’re dealing with unique human beings. As such, you’re dealing with other people, who have their own sets of nerves. It takes a little courage to message anyone in the first place, especially if you are interested. In contrast, some take a “play the numbers” approach and message every profile they’re even vaguely interested in. Perhaps that’s why it always seems like the “incompatible” messages wind up in the inbox; mass mailings aren’t as specific.

So how does this affect the way we approach online dating? First, remember that you’re not the only one who gets frustrated or overwhelmed with dating - far from it! Now, bearing in mind that almost every single profile has a somewhat nervous person on the other end, consider sending even more first-contact emails. Someone has to be the brave one; why not you?

Finally, remember that finding someone compatible can be tricky. Sending more first-contact emails might mean an increase in rejections, too, and that’s okay - you’re also increasing your chances of meeting someone interesting and potentially compatible. And once you do go on first dates, remember - your date is likely nervous too! Reminding yourself that you’re not the only one with these anxieties and woes just might help you get through your dry spell, and on to enjoying the life cycle of the dating pond.

When constructing an online dating profile, there’s a lot of focus on keeping negativity out of the profile. What some people may not realize is that the self-summary is not the only area into which negativity can creep. In fact, the image section is a great way to make sure you’re not injecting any unintended negativity into your profile; a picture is a worth a thousand words, after all.

The easiest way to stay positive is to select a picture with a smile. True, not everyone likes the way their smile looks, especially when it’s genuine and not a “pretty” smile. But from the perspective of the observer, the genuine smile is the most attractive of all. When you’re really having a good time, you’re feeling comfortable and happy; you’ve let down barriers. Those visiting your profile will pick that up immediately, and perhaps feel like they know you a little better. They’ll feel that warmth, and feel warmer toward you.

Thus, a genuine smile is often the best choice, even if you don’t think it’s necessarily the most flattering. However, not everyone has a photographer standing by when they’re having a good belly laugh; what then? Well, smiling is still a good option, even if it’s your “pretty” smile that you use when you know you’re in front of a camera. Try to choose an occasion that was relatively candid, even if the smile wasn’t. What that means is, a casual shot standing in front of the entrance to a theme park is still better than a posed glamour shoot from your local department store.

Pictures to avoid are anything that might be construed as anger, aggression or moodiness. You might have been going for “alluring” with your sultry pout, but to someone else, you’re just brooding. In particular, staring directly into the camera can be a little too intense for an online profile pic, especially if you’re not smiling. If you feel you absolutely must convey your pensive, serious look, try looking into the distance or off-camera; at least it won’t be mistaken for a mugshot as easily. Thinking about something happy, even when you’re not actually smiling, is helpful, too - though really if you don’t already have some serious picture you love, it’s not worth spending the time to create one now.

Before your profile has even been clicked, you’re making a first impression with your default picture. Furthermore, some peruse all the images before they even get to the text. Is the impression you’re making as positive as you’d like?

Once you’ve been checking out online dating profiles for awhile, a scary trend emerges: you think you start seeing patterns. Maybe most of the people who tend to like a certain book also tend to like a certain movie, or have certain political beliefs. Maybe most of the people with wild-colored hair and glasses also tend to like a certain graphic novel. Even more strangely, sometimes those people even sound a little bit alike.

The first time it happens, you double check to make sure you’re not seeing a literal copy-and-paste profile, but nope, they’re just very similar. And at that point, you’re in danger of heading down a slippery slope: stereotypes.

In online dating, the one danger is that you could start to think of people in terms of numbers, “types,” profiles, typos - anything but an actual person with unique characteristics. Because the truth is, even if two people share all the same interests, there’s no guarantee that they have remotely the same personality. How many of us have run into someone we should be fast friends with based on interests, but absolutely can’t stand? Now imagine that everyone is judging you based on your hobby-doppelganger.

Now, there’s a difference between characteristics that aren’t healthy for you and stereotyping someone. For example, imagine Kate isn’t having any luck with relationships. She analyzes her former flames and decides that the problem is that the majority were alternative-type men with tattoos. Next time, she decides, she’ll avoid men with tattoos.

In reality, the body ink was not the problem or the true common link; the lack of commitment and sheer arrogance was. And the next man Kate dates, the suave businessman who golfs and sneers at everyone, is no different.

In stereotyping, we’re looking at a set of outer characteristics and deciding we already know everything we need to; it doesn’t usually have anything to do with the actual personality. If you receive random, anonymous hateful messages, they’re probably from someone who’s been doing some stereotyping themselves, with toxic results.

The obvious problem with stereotyping is that it can cause you to skim rather than read properly. You could become jaded and feel like you’ve “seen it all,” and maybe it’ll make the profile searching faster - but who knows what you might be missing out on? When you sit down to peruse profiles, even if it’s your 1000th, remember: you’re not trying to rush through your homework. You’re searching to find and meet a human being who seems fun, interesting and maybe even compatible.