Online Dating

Oh, Ashley Madison...what a confusing phenomenon you are.

On one hand, I am a firm believer that monogamy is not for everyone and a strong supporter of open relationships of all shapes and sizes.

On the other hand, my support of (ethical, honest) nonmonogamy has made me even less tolerant of those who don't choose to be ethical and honest about their extracurriculars.

On a third hand, my entrepreneurial spirit can't bring itself to completely condemn someone who saw a hole in the market, filled it, and is no doubt raking in the big bucks because of it. People are going to cheat whether or not I like it - someone might as well be making money off their infidelity.

Ashley Madison has been celebrating successes left and right so, begrudgingly, I think I might have to let the third hand win out. Maybe part of me is just bitter I didn't have the idea first.

In July, the infamous cheating website reached a major milestone: its 20 millionth member. And here's the real kicker: that makes its membership larger than the entire population of New York State. The 20 millionth member comes after a year of unprecedented growth for the site which, says AshleyMadison.com CEO Noel Biderman, "proves that infidelity is a universal business."

Just how universal? Ashley Madison is one of the fastest growing dating site, with one new member joining every six seconds. The dating service has also experienced an increase of over 15% in mobile usage a year and expanded to include Ashley Madison Blackbook, an app that allows affair seekers to maintain anonymity beyond emails with a private phone line for discreet texting and phone calls.

More recently, Ashley Madison is expanding its global reach (already 27 countries) to include Japan, the site's first launch in Asia. As of July 1, 2013, four days after it debuted in the new country, Ashley Madison Japan had already logged 230,000 visits and 70,000 members.

"This might be bigger here than in America," Biderman told The Wall Street Journal. "We totally underestimated the desire here." The biggest challenge the site faces now is marketing - word of mouth isn't exactly a viable option when users are looking to keep their cheating under wraps. "We're going to position ourselves as a marriage-saving site," Biderman added, "a social network for married people. I think they'll understand that concept."

A 'marriage-saving site?' If you say so, Biderman, if you say so. After all, who am I to argue with the man who proudly announced that his company has "become the 'Kleenex of cheating?'"

Nowadays, some online dating sites and apps are trying something new: instead of creating a brand-new profile, they just take information from your preexisting social media sites. For those who don’t like writing about themselves, this is something of a relief; they’ve already suffered through once, and that’s enough for them. However, before you sign up for one of these services, you might want to check what your social media actually says about you.

First of all, there’s the privacy issue. What, exactly, will this dating service pull from your social networks? Let’s say you had all your information set to friends-only - will you need to make certain information public for the app to work? Furthermore, if you didn’t want it public before, how comfortable are you with the same info being used on a dating site? For those who are vigilant about protecting their privacy, getting the answers to these questions is vital before signing up to a specific site, lest you reveal something you didn’t intend.

Next up is the content itself. If you have profiles on long-established social networking sites, there’s a large chance that your information is outdated and potentially cringe-inducing. Maybe your favorite quotes are no longer from that movie everyone loved to drunk-quote in college. Maybe your goals are no longer the same. Maybe you’re now embarrassed that you included your childhood paper route in your work history.

Yet another aspect to consider is social network sites that include pictures. These pictures might include some that are also old and outdated, or worse yet, have been uploaded by friends and don’t necessarily feature your finest moments. Perhaps they even feature past relationships. Granted, whenever you ‘friend’ someone on the social networking site, you’re giving them permission to see all this and more; however, you’ve probably at least met them in person by then and are prepared for that level of vulnerability. If you don’t normally make such pictures public, make sure you know what will be seen by potential dates.

On typical online dating sites, you’re encouraged to do ‘maintenance’ on your profile, to keep it fresh and interesting and ensure that it still creates the first impression you want. Before you sign up with a site that incorporates your social networking profiles, make sure you fully understand what you’re signing up for - and then make sure it sends an accurate, positive and up-to-date message.

Dating apps are fast becoming the rage among young singles, especially location-based apps like Tinder, typically used for the purpose of hooking up. But a new service called Twine aims to do things a little differently.

Instead of scrolling through photos to see who's "hot or not", like Tinder, Twine pulls information from your Facebook profiles and matches you with other members nearby based on mutual interests. Oh, and they also blur out photos so that you can start chatting and flirting first, and then decide if you want to reveal your pics to each other later.

While this might sound like a waste of time to daters looking to meet someone quickly, many women tend to shy away from location-based dating apps, which doesn't help the odds if you're a man. Females (more than males) get barraged with invitations from potential dates, and because of the overload of guys virtually approaching them, they are less likely to engage. However, with Twine, everyone has to work a little harder, which makes it that much more engaging, and potentially that much more appealing to female users.

Another great aspect of Twine's strategy is that it aims to cut down on spam and fake profiles. One way it does this is through gender restrictions. Men and women using the service must be represented in equal numbers, so if there are currently more men signed up than women, new members will be put on a waiting list until more women join. Also, users aren't allowed to upload their own photos, they are instead pulled directly from your Facebook profile, so you can't post a picture of someone else.

Other dating apps have launched recently that are also focused on delivering more quality matches. One such app is At First Sight, which provides short video profiles of members to scroll through. With this app, you're getting a feel for what the person is like, how he sounds, what gestures he uses - rather than just a static photo - which helps when making a decision about whether or not you want to meet someone. (It also helps filter those fake profiles.) When I downloaded it however, it was a little clumsy to use. The videos are presented in a chain, and you can keep scrolling down until you find someone who interests you, which means you might stop and start several different video profiles. I do like that each person chooses a question to answer, rather than just a free-flowing format.

Regardless of your preferences, dating apps are here to stay, and might well be the most popular way to meet singles in the future. Even traditional online dating sites are developing their own apps. Either way, isn't it good to have more opportunities to meet people, no matter how you do it?

Once upon a time, in a galaxy that now seems far, far away, online dating was considered the last refuge of the hopeless. It was something to be ashamed of, a final resort for people who had exhausted all other opportunities for finding love. (And secretly, we didn't think they'd be able to find it online either.)

Oh, how the tables have turned. Online dating is now the second most popular way for couples to meet, surpassed only by meeting through mutual friends. It's part of a daily routine for millions of people - wake up, read your email, check Facebook, answer messages on your online dating site. It's even starting to feel like the people who haven't tried online dating are in the minority.

According to Harry Reis, a professor of psychology who coauthored a 2012 study on online dating called Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science, the switch likely happened because the Western world experienced a transition in the way it approaches romance. Prior to the rise of online dating, it was difficult for adults to meet each other once they'd moved on from high school and college. Online dating offered a fresh take on connection.

"Online dating is definitely a new and much needed twist on relationships," says Reis. "The Internet holds great promise for helping adults form healthy and supportive romantic partnerships, and those relationships are one of the best predictors of emotional and physical health."

Online dating was a natural progression. In this hyper-connected era in which we spend a good portion of our lives on the Web, it's no surprise that we find ourselves drawn to online dating. Dating sites provide a sense of security, and unprecedented access and information.

When you log on to a dating site, you feel confident that that (most) everyone you see is looking for a date, and you're able to extract large amounts of information about potential partners immediately, before you've ever even spoken. On top of that, most dating sites help you narrow the field further using detailed search metrics and complex matching systems.

That sounds pretty futuristic and space age-y as-is, but online dating is already beginning to evolve into something else. With more people using the Internet on mobile devices than desktops or laptops, the world of online dating is starting to blend into traditional dating to form the latest craze: mobile dating.

Apps like Tinder and Swoon streamline the dating experience by eschewing long profiles in favor of simple processes to browse and select dates. And unlike standard dating websites, these mobile apps connect you with dates in your immediate area, making dating's newest direction easier and more relaxed than it has ever been before.

When you start contacting people you’ve found through online dating sites, it’s best to remember why you’re using the site in the first place: as a tool to find people to meet. ‘Meet,’ here, is the operative word. In many respects, online dating can be the best of both worlds; for example, some who aren’t great at expressing themselves on the fly can make their best first impression through a great profile. But the true test of chemistry still lies in that first meeting; prolonging that isn’t giving you the best of anything.

Still, some are cagey about taking the plunge and scheduling that first date. Sure, you seem to have a few things in common. Sure, your prospective match also seems interested in you. But going on a date... “putting your compatibility to the test”... it all seems like too much pressure! Plus, what if it turns out you’re not compatible at all and you’re trapped with your date somewhere for hours? Perhaps the next email will reveal whether you’re truly compatible before you have to go on the date. ...Or maybe the next email after that.

The reality of the situation is that until you take that next step, it doesn’t matter how many emails you send: you’re in a holding pattern and the truth will not magically reveal itself. If anything, it might confuse things, if you happen to like your date’s online persona better than their in-person reality. But never fear! There’s actually quite a simple mini-step that might help you get over your anxiety: the casual coffee meet-up.

Some might call it a “date,” but you don’t have to if it would make things easier. The casual meet-up can happen day or night, depending on the schedules of those involved. The dress is more casual, and the venue is something speedier, like coffee or brunch. It’s not meant to be a long-running date, so it’s no problem if you have to head back to work or off to some other scheduled activity - but if things go so well that it winds up taking longer, that’s not a bad thing either.

For many, these meet-ups function as a casual sort of “date before the date.” You can schedule them quickly and not over-think them too much before they happen. You’re not spending too much or trying to be someone you’re not. If you’re utterly incompatible, you’re not stuck on a bad date for ages. And if you do have that spark, you’re just whetting your appetites for more.

Are these meet-ups much different than a regular first date? Maybe not, but by framing them in a casual context, you’re not placing as much pressure on yourself and your date. And perhaps the more relaxed, less committed tone will allow you to take that plunge a little sooner than you otherwise might. Just make sure your date is on the same page! What are you waiting for?

When it comes to dating, particularly online, you might hear someone with a warning that seems rather deflating: "Have reasonable expectations." It’s easy to be a bit turned off from this advice, or maybe even feel a little huffy: Well, of course you have reasonable expectations. You’re not expecting to date only movie stars and models, right? Are they really just trying to tell you to settle?

Not necessarily; in fact, they may not be talking specifically about appearances at all. For some, the expectations that need to be checked have less to do with whether you’re looking for a supermodel or a Prince Charming, and more to do with whether you’re expecting to feel like you’ve met a supermodel or a Prince Charming.

After all, we all know that love comes in all shapes and sizes, and that everyone’s version of “the perfect match” is different. You’re not looking to find someone perfect - but it’s entirely possible that you’re expecting to find someone perfect for you. And furthermore, you’re expecting to recognize them as your perfect match on your first date.

Those are the expectations that may need tweaking. Yes, there is such a thing as instant chemistry. Perhaps you have a best friend with whom you forged an instant connection. The thing is, you probably made many other friends throughout your life, and felt an instant “spark” with some of them, but not all friendships may have stood the test of time. You might be able to recognize chemistry, but how do you know which ones will endure? And in the case of love, will you feel instantly “different” about someone who’s right for you?

Everyone’s different, but chances are, you won’t be able to tell much beyond whether or not you like each other after that first date. Fireworks and dream sequences come later, or maybe your memories fill that part in once you’re in love. If you’re heading out to your first date expecting to fall in love, you might need to rethink your expectations.

Instead, focus on whether or not you and your date enjoy each other’s company, and whether or not you’d like to see each other again soon. It might seem like a simple baby step, and you might be anxious to get to the fairy tale romance. But remember: it’s only in retrospect that those first baby steps become significant. For now, enjoy the moment - it’ll be much less stressful, and more fun, for you both.