Online Dating

For those new to online dating, one of the most frustrating aspects is the waiting. Specifically, waiting for a response after you’ve sent a first-contact email. It can be tempting to check your email over and over, particularly if your potential match is someone who really caught your eye. What you don’t realize at the beginning is that you might never get a response. Ever.

It can seem unnaturally cold; after all, you’ve gone through the trouble of writing a first-contact email, so why can’t they trouble themselves enough to send a “thanks, but no thanks”? Surely just knowing one way or the other is better than wondering, right?

Well, maybe, maybe not. You see, everyone is different, and everyone handles rejection (and doling out rejection themselves) differently. There are definite upsides to the “no news is bad news” scenario.

First of all, once you become familiar with the concept that a non-response is a negative one, it doesn’t seem quite so confusing or mean. Everyone else understands what this means; it’s just another way of saying no. You can interpret the strength of that no to whatever you’re comfortable with. After all, let’s consider the alternative - getting an email that clearly says they’re not interested:

Now you have to deal with tone. Is a “thanks but no thanks” trying to be gentle, or curt? Someone might feel they have to actually give a reason for their rejection; are you prepared to read something like, “Sorry, but you’re just too short/dark-haired/out of shape/ordinary”? No matter how polite the author tries to be, there’s a chance you’ll overanalyze each and every word, fretting over the smallest critique. There’s a reason cliches develop, and it’s partly because we don’t always want to hear a stream of consciousness.

Then there’s the awkward uncertainty of what to do next. Many people, after receiving a rejection email, feel compelled to write back. This is almost always a bad idea. Perhaps they’re arguing with the criticisms from the previous article, or trying to prove their not-so-potential-match wrong. They might be angry. Or maybe they just aren’t sure how to close the conversation, like a person on the phone who doesn’t know how to wrap up a call. Imagine you’re someone who’s sent a rejection email in the past, and then had people bargaining or arguing in return! Suddenly just ignoring a message you’re not interested in doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

The good news is, by understanding that a lack of an email is a no, you can adjust your own behavior accordingly. Instead of waiting by the keyboard for each individual response, you can move on and send more first-contact emails. Instead of spending extra energy wondering about the whys and reasons, you can understand that it’s best to move on. After all, a first-contact email is little more than a smile and a “hello;” why worry over every person who doesn’t smile back?

I was scrolling through my email, clearing my inbox of junk mail, when a headline caught my eye: "20 Things 20 Year Olds Need To Know About Online Dating." I'm 20-something-or-other. I'm involved in online dating. I think we're generally a pretty tech-savvy bunch, but apparently I needed to know whatever bite-sized bits of wisdom The Inquisitr had to share. So I clicked.

These are the first 10 things The Inquisitr, in partnership with Let's Date CEO Adam Huie, thinks Millennials need to know about dating online:

1. It works. Well, I can't argue with that. The percentage of relationships (and marriages) that begin online is increasing all the time, and a recent study found that the divorce/separation rate is lower for couples who meet online than for couples who meet offline.
2. It's cheaper. I guess that depends on what your idea of a date is, but yeah...it definitely can be. A month's worth of nightclub cover charges and drinks bought at bars could easily add up to more than an online dating site's monthly subscription fee.
3. It's fun. If dating - of any kind - isn't fun, you're doing something wrong, but online dating services are going the extra mile to make meeting people easy and enjoyable. "Gamification" is all the rage these days, which is making some dating services feel more like games than matchmaking.
4. The Catfish scenario is not a reality. Eh, The Inquisitr has it half right. Yes, the overwhelming majority of people you meet online are genuine folks who are looking for love just like you are. But that doesn't mean that there aren't any unscrupulous people online. Just keep your wits about you and your BS detector switched on.
5. More the merrier. It sounds like an invitation to an orgy, but what it actually means is that you should try out several dating services. Each offers something different, and you won't know which one suits your goals best until you experiment.
6. It's okay to be curious. Yes! Thanks for including this one, Inquisitr! Online dating sites can be a great place for LGBT young adults to begin exploring their sexuality if they haven't had the chance to do it offline yet.
7. Use your best photo. Is there anyone who didn't already know this? Millennials should be especially equipped to pick a killer picture (as long as we're avoiding the dreaded mirror selfie), since we grew up in the era of Facebook and Instagram.
8. Take the time to fill out your profile. This, on the other hand, we might not be as good at. We like words to come in short, 140 character bursts - a full dating profile might be too intimidating to tackle. Tough luck, Millennials. It needs to be done anyway.
9. Don't lie. I've heard some valid reasons for stretching the truth, but on the whole it's easier not to. And why go the harder route when you can choose an easier one?
10. Spelling counts. I can't emphasize this enough. Text speak is not cute anywhere outside of a text message (and it's hardly even cute there). No one wants to date someone who sounds like they didn't make it out of third grade.

Related Article: 10 More Things Millennials Need To Know About Online Dating (Part II)

Remember what I said previously about the secret realities of online dating? Well, there's more where that came from.

If you want to make it through the online dating jungle with minimal fatigue, minimal heartbreak, and maximum fun and success, add these 4 truths about online dating to your list:

1. My dad's advice was right: You can please some people some of the time, but you can't please all people all of the time. There are some people who just won't be interested in you. And that's ok. (I mean...it sucks at first, but then it's ok.) You can't let it get you down or put you off online dating (or, if you're feeling really melodramatic, dating in general) forever. There are plenty of fish in the sea, even if that's not the site you're using.
2. As Dr. House would say, Everybody lies. It would be nice if it wasn't true, but we are never going to live in a world where everyone is honest, all the time. In fact, there's a good chance you're not honest all the time. You could say that everyone who stretches the truth is a jerk, but I think that's doing them a disservice. The question is: Why did they do it? Were they actually trying to be malicious, or is there a much less devious explanation? If they just needed a little help getting their foot in the door, consider cutting them some slack. That foot might be attached to someone awesome.
3. An online dating profile isn't as deep as you think it is. Every online dating site swears its profile goes more in-depth than any other site, or that its matching algorithm is more complex and accurate than any of the competition. Yes, dating services are constantly trying to improve the experience, and as online daters we try our best to create multifaceted pictures of who we are in our profiles, but the reality is that it will only ever be a one-dimensional representation of who we really are. Try to remember that what's on a person's page is just the tip of the iceberg.
4. Rules are definitely meant to be broken. A more appropriate name for this one might have been "Rules? What rules?" There are none anymore. You're probably abiding by all kinds of principles you think are important that really aren't. Email whoever you're interested in. Ask someone out if you want to meet them in person. Stop playing coy and forget about gender roles. Online dating is the perfect time to throw caution to the wind and take a flying leap out of your comfort zone.

In online dating, the profile is essentially the “first impression,” but what’s the point if no one sees it? Hence, the invention of the first-contact email. It serves as a pre-first impression; think of it as seeing someone from across a crowded room. Do you want to see a little eye contact and a smile that invites more, or some frantic waving that results in a fall off a bar stool? These are the images to keep in mind as you settle down to write a first-contact email.

In truth, writing such an email is much easier than most people think. It ought to be short - from around three sentences to a paragraph, say - and it shouldn’t be a generic copy and paste job. Since it’s so short, that doesn’t require much work; just a basic sentence or two that demonstrates you’ve actually read the profile (Like, “I see you like science fiction; what do you think of that remake that’s coming out?”) will already put you a cut above the rest.

Yet, many people lose their way when it comes to the first-contact email. Most commonly, they become self-centered when it comes time to write. Well, maybe that’s not surprising; the profile is mostly all about you, after all. But no one wants to open up an email with your life story; it’s like watching a TV show that’s all prologue and never actually advances the plot. An email is the beginning of a conversation, not a job application.

Plus, you might have already said all you need to in your profile. When you stray outside of that one-paragraph zone, chances are you’re going to start repeating information from your profile; once your potential match clicks over to actually read your profile, it’s going to sound redundant. Then you run the risk of appearing either self-absorbed or perhaps even dishonest (as in, you have your script and you’re sticking to it).

Thus, avoid all the hassle and potential miscommunication, and make it easy on yourself: stick to a short and sweet first-contact email. You might feel it’s formulaic - after all, it’s hard to reinvent the paragraph - but as long as you’re actually reading their profiles and asking a relevant question, you’re coming across as classic, not cliched. A non-offensive fist-contact email means they’ll check out your profile, and now the real conversation can begin. Why get in your own way?

You could be the best-looking person on this planet, but I guarantee even you have had this problem at least once: you didn't hear back from someone you were interested in.

It blows, right? You spot the perfect online dating profile, and you think "YES! I barely know anything about this person, but it's obvious we're going to fall in love and get married and be together forever!" [Note: Do not actually have this reaction to people you have never met. It's creepy.]

Then you send a message to them and wait for their gushing response about how great it is that you've finally found each other. But it never comes. And you're left wondering why someone you thought was so perfect doesn't think you're perfect, too.

Buck up. Grab some Ben & Jerry's. And let's settle in for a little life lesson. Here's why they didn't get back to you:

1. They can't. Many dating sites allow both paid and free members to join, but only allow paying members to view and/or send mail. Don't take it personally if your love interest simply couldn't see or respond to your message.
2. They're drowning in a sea of messages. If you think a person is awesome, there's a good chance other people also think they're awesome. The cream of the online dating crop is inundated with emails - maybe even triple digits per day - which makes it pretty much impossible to respond to everything. Your message may just have slipped through the cracks.
3. Your message wasn't up to snuff. Did you include an attention-grabbing subject line? Did you send an obvious cut-and-paste message? Did you ask an interesting question, include a witty joke, make a thoughtful reference to their profile, or otherwise do something that encourages interaction? Take some time to learn what kind of emails get opened and responded to.
4. Your photos aren't working for you. First of all: do you even have a photo? If you don't, that's the first thing to fix. If you do, do you have more than one? You should. And if you have that under control, evaluate your photo album with a critical eye. Do they actually show you at your best? Do they represent you well? Do they paint you in an interesting light? What stories do they tell?
5. Your profile is harder to get through than War and Peace. Maybe you have a snooze-fest of a personal essay. There's no excuse for a poorly written profile. And there's plenty of advice to be found online that will help you create something unique and enticing.

I'm twenty-quietly-mumbles-a-second-number, so I'm practically bound by law to try out every new app that hits the market. Tinder still seems to be the big one taking the Millennials by storm, but the latest mobile dating experiment to cross my path is GOWiNGiNG, an iOS app that calls itself "the double dating app for everyone."

Ok, I'll bite. Why not?

GOWiNGiNG officially launched in the iTunes store last month, and claims to be the "first mobile/social double-dating app of its kind." I have a hard time believing that, but whatever...I'll go with it. The point is obvious: meet new people without the pressure and awkwardness that usually comes with meeting strangers.

Users can invite their friends to download the app for free and become their WingMen or WingGirls via Facebook or email. If they're more interested in meeting new people (or just don't have any friends), users can also use the app itself to find a WingMan or WingGirl. They can then search for local men or women to take on dates together with their newly-acquired wing. Even those who are already in relationships can take advantage of the app, by using it to find other couples who are looking for double dates.

Here's what the founder, Robert Jaggers, has to say: "I've found that there are so many people who really want to take advantage of dating websites and meetup app technology, but they're a little leery of going out on solo dates with a stranger. That's understandable, and that's why I created GOWiNGiNG. It's a more social, less intimidating and more fun way to date, and it's ideal for anyone who's shy or anyone who just knows they really shine when they have their best friend around."

I can get on board with that. What I can't get on board with is the ridiculous stylization of the name: GOWiNGiNG. Was that awful capitalization really necessary? Does it somehow get the point across better than "GoWinging" would have? I seriously doubt it.

I can't say I find the site much more appealing, either. The cheesy stock photos are not doing it for me, nor is the equally-cheesy logo that looks like it was nabbed directly from a wannabe pickup artist's website.

I hate to judge a book by its cover, because for all I know the app is great, but as an Android user that's all I have to go by at this point. And my hunch is that Grouper and Tandem are doing the group meetup thing way better.