Online Dating

“Love at first sight” is a phrase that is seen by most as cliched, or outdated. We roll our eyes when the concept comes up... at least in public. Yet, many still harbor hopes or even expectations of love at first sight - particularly when it comes to online dating.

Consider the “ideal” online dating fairy tale: someone signs up for an online dating site on a whim. They create a profile, start searching, and soon enough, they see it: the profile of their perfect match. They can already tell the match is perfect just from the profile alone - it somehow speaks to their very soul. They send off a first-contact email (or maybe they were even contacted by their perfect mate in the first place) and immediately head out on their first date, where their date is even better-looking in person. And they all lived happily ever after.

If online dating is the wave of the future, why do we cling to the same old fairy tales? If anything, the online dating version is even more outlandish than the original, because we’re falling in love with a profile first. Most “love at first sight” stories can really be called “mutual attraction at first sight that eventually developed into more,” and to be sure, chemistry is a mysterious and powerful thing. But expecting to identify chemistry from a profile is a slippery slope - and often how scams happen.

When we choose to pursue online dating, we have to remember that we’re signing up for: a more efficient way to meet new people in person. We’re not acquiring any magical powers or knowledge. Profiles allow us to get a vague idea of who we’ll be meeting - in many ways, better than taking a chance with someone we’ve met on the street or in a bar, because we have a preliminary stage in which we can weed out the most obvious red flags. We can also meet people outside our own limiting social circle.

But we’re still going to have to assess chemistry in person. We still have to ultimately rely on our own judgement, even if we were initially introduced by a computer algorithm. We have to listen to our instincts, and keep a cool enough head that we don’t get carried away by a promising profile and photo.

Even when we do experience attraction at first sight, only time will tell if love and trust will grow. The truth is, love is mysterious and exciting enough on its own, and online dating is an exciting alternative to the same old methods of meeting people. Relying on a tired old fairy tale to jazz it up will only lead us to the same old unrealistic expectations and frustrated disappointment.

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Everyone knows that being genuine in online dating is helpful; you want your potential match to be drawn to the real you, after all. But is it really necessary to pour your heart and soul out into a profile? More importantly, what should you be holding back?

We tend to place quite a lot of emphasis on writing our profile. It’s natural; it’s the one element of the dating process over which we have complete control. We can’t always control the first impression we make on a date; maybe we’re caught in a rainstorm on the way there, or we’re coming down with a cold so we’re foggy-brained and weak-smiling at best. An online profile, on the other hand, can be meticulously constructed so that the reader sees us at our very best.

But ultimately, the profile is just a way to assess whether we want to send a first-contact email to someone. And the response to the first-contact email isn’t a proclamation of love; again, we’re mostly just checking for red flags to see whether we want to meet in person. It’s in person that the real evaluating can begin. Profiles are helpful in assessing potential - and rest assured, many red flags can show themselves even in the simplest of profiles - but they ultimately aren’t that helpful in assessing chemistry.

So maybe you don’t really need to stress over your profile. It can be unnerving, leaving more up to that first date, where you have less control, but it’s focusing your energy in a more productive direction. In the meantime, you can control what information you do - or don’t - share.

Obviously, you don’t need to share your home address or physical work details - that’s just common sense in safety. What you might not consider is that you don’t have to share your favorite locations, either - the coffee shop you love or the park you visit daily. While it may feel comforting to be in your element on your first date, it’s not so comforting if the date doesn’t work out - and your non-match now has a new favorite spot.

You don’t have to share any details about your life that are particularly private or sensitive. Remember, you haven’t even met on a first date yet. If your potential match is encouraging you to get “close” before you’ve even met, it could be a red flag for a scammer (remember, the goal is to meet, not fall in love with a pen pal). Even if there’s no ill intent, it’s a waste of time and energy - you can share all that later when you’re sure there’s a connection in person.

You don’t have to add them to your social networks; in addition to the fact that there might be personal information there in the form of pictures, comments from friends, and so on, it’s just another tie you’ll have to sever if that first date doesn’t work out. Or a connection you’ll leave awkwardly open. Again, save it for later.

It can be exhilarating, corresponding with a potential match, forging a potential connection over a shared passion. It’s tempting to emotionally jump in with both feet before you’ve even met. But by being aware of what you can keep to yourself, you might keep your feet a little more anchored to the ground - and thus ready to spring in when you really do have an in-person connection.

When it comes to performing online dating searches, sometimes your biggest enemy can be yourself. Why? Imagine you’re trying to solve a complex math problem, but you don’t have access to a math book, or a calculator. You try to puzzle it out yourself, but the answer is wrong. You walk away and come back to it later, but the answer is still wrong. You didn’t magically gain any new knowledge.

Online dating can be a bit like that: when you hit the same wall over and over, sometimes it’s because you’re hamstrung by your own limits. It’s hard to think outside the box because, well, it’s your box.

First, consider the sort of searches you do. Are you looking for the same key words, over and over? The same sorts of statistics? Why not try mixing it up a bit? Again, it can be hard to think of anything brand-new, so go all-out silly with it at first. Heck, do a search for the word silly. You might not ultimately find what you’re looking for, but you’ll likely find something different from the same old thing - and reading a new profile might make you think of still something else to search for, and so on, down the rabbit hole.

Next, consider the searches you aren’t doing - because your own preferences are keeping them from popping up as options. Is height really that important to you? What about age, or body type? Sure, it can be fun to watch your options winnow down to what is theoretically your dream match, but if your problem is that your options are too few, the problem may lie in what you’re looking for.

Age, for example, is one factor that people tend to feel strongly about, while at the same time admitting that it’s not a one-size-fits-all element when it comes to personality. You can be twenty going on thirty-five, and sixty going on twenty-three. But consider this: chances are you’ll be able to tell if someone really is “young at heart” or “mature for their age” just by reading their profile, let alone going on one date. Are you really that put out by taking time for a little extra reading or dating? And on the flip side, you’re opening doors to possibilities that weren’t there before.

Next time you tweak your profile, take a chance and get rid of as many preferences as you dare, just to see who’s out there. Similarly, try searching for something completely unlike you. You might just find something - a quality, a preference, an entire person - you didn’t even know you wanted.

Communication is the most important part of online dating. You might have great pictures and an amazing profile, but if you don't reach out to matches or respond to emails, then you're letting opportunities slip by.

Also, your approach is very important when you're online dating. Remember, these are people who don't know you. They might not understand your sense of humor, or your storytelling, or why you are obsessed with a particular video game. It's important to read over your emails and ask yourself, "would I date a total stranger who sent me this email?" before you hit send.

If you want more success with online dating, which means more in-person dates than you're getting now, it might be worth examining how you communicate with people online first. Following are some general rules for emailing your matches:

Respond quickly. It' important to check in with your online dating site every day, even if it's just for ten minutes. If someone emails you, they typically don't want to wait several days for a response or they just move on. Dating moves quickly, so don't get left behind.

Reach out to more people. Have you sent twenty emails this week? Then maybe you should double or triple the number. Online dating is definitely a numbers game unfortunately, and if you're emailing someone who gets a hundred emails a day in her inbox, then it's difficult to stand out. Don't be so selective - after all, you don't know these people, you only get a little information from a picture and profile. Their energy in person is usually what attracts you. So get to the date before you write someone off the list. Send more emails to more people.

Don't be generic. Many women get the same email from different guys, along the lines of "hey, sexy how are you?" If you want to get a woman's attention, don't compliment her looks or ask how she's doing. Instead, read her profile and craft your email with questions that relate. Better yet, in the subject line refer to something in her profile - it will make her much more likely to open your email than if you just say, "hello."

Check your spelling. Many online daters think this doesn't matter, but spelling and grammar are extremely important factors in online dating. These are also easy to check and fix with spellcheck and grammar tools. So don't be lazy and let this one slide. Proof your emails before you send them out.