Online Dating

We all know that people post older or misleading photos on their online dating profiles from time to time - photos from when they were younger, thinner, or had more hair - just to attract more people. This phenomenon is nothing new, but it's something that frustrates and puts a damper on people's online dating experiences, even though they might not complain to the dating site about it.

But what if a profile is even more deceptive - what if someone has posted a false identity with fake pictures to lure you in? What about extreme cases, like catfishing, where you've been swindled out of some money? Does the dating website have accountability in this situation?

According to a Florida mother and part-time model, Match.com should be held accountable for engaging in 'one of the biggest conspiracies ever executed on the Internet.'

According to a lawsuit Yuliana Avalos filed against the popular dating website, more than 200 bogus Match.com profiles were created using her pictures. She maintains that hundreds, possibly thousands of fake profiles are posted on the site, including those using her pictures, even though she's never signed up for the site.

The lawsuit also claims that "thousands" of others - including celebrities, soldiers and adult actresses, have had their pictures taken from Facebook and other sites and used in creating fake profiles for Match.com. Avalos maintains in the suit that people (mostly in other countries) use the photos and fake profiles to scam people out of money. She says Match.com knows this and looks the other way, because the IP addresses of scammers show that they originate in other countries, even though the Match.com profile claims to be posting from inside the U.S.

Avalos maintains that Match.com could crack down on these fake profiles if they wanted to, simply by using facial recognition software, but they choose not to.

In the suit Avalos asks for $500 million in money damages for the thousands of victims, and another $1 billion in punitive damages.

Although Match.com has been sued over fake profiles before, these suits have been dropped because of the terms of its user agreement. Match.com says it isn't required for them to police the site and so the company isn't responsible for fraudulent information people may post.

The outcome of this lawsuit could change the online dating landscape - especially if companies are required to take action and crack down on those posting bogus information. Online dating could get more expensive for members. It could also bring down membership numbers that are used to boost ratings and attract people to various sites. But then hopefully, it would protect people from being manipulated and cut down on the amount of catfishing taking place in the online community.

We'll see what happens next in Avalos' case.

You might have heard by now that eHarmony has added a new personal service to their dating website membership options called eHarmony+. For a mere $5,000 per year, you can get the added benefit of personalized counseling with a real-life love counselor (who is also a professional therapist).

What prompted this move by eHarmony is another interesting story. According to a recent interview the website conducted with actor/ producer Ben Stiller, his new movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty may have something to do with it.

Producers worked closely with eHarmony while developing the movie, since the dating service plays a large role in the storyline. One of the characters written into the story is an eHarmony relationship counselor who helps Mitty with his online dating profile. The movie depicts a counselor who seems to be on call around the clock for Mitty (to answer such urgent questions as "should I send her a wink?" in the middle of the night).

Before the movie's release, eHarmony offered only traditional online dating services where people create their own profiles, fill out questionnaires and are matched by computer algorithms as opposed to actual people. But as eHarmony staff worked with producers on the script, they decided to make changes to the actual service, so that it provided customized help like it does in the movie (making it a more accurate depiction).

eHarmony's vice-president of customer experience, Grant Langston, tells The Hollywood Reporter, "As I read the script, I realized it couldn't be accurate because that's not the way we model our service. EHarmony is a self-serve model." So, they decided to make changes in time for the movie's release so that premium members can now receive one-on-one counseling.

Interestingly, this wasn't a paid advertising opportunity for eHarmony. In fact, Langston says on eHarmony's website that they paid no money to be part of the film, that writers included it as part of the script from the beginning. Instead, they were on the receiving end - asked by producers whether the script depicted the service accurately. Because it wasn't a true depiction, instead of changing the script, Langston saw an opportunity to create an eHarmony that was more like the one in the movie, that provided members real human counseling.

"We discussed internally asking them to change the film to suit the real eHarmony user experience - people take the relationship questionnaire, get matches, go through guided communication, etc.," Lagston says on eHarmony's blog. "But where's the drama in that? Would it be interesting to watch Ben Stiller quietly answer questions and communicate with matches? It would not."

Langston says, "I was asked to lead the effort to build this new product and once we started to discuss it, I began to understand Walter's attraction to this version of eHarmony. You're talking to a human being who cares about your success. That's nice. This person is reaching out to you and listening to your feedback. Who wouldn't love that?"

To learn more about this service you can read our eHarmony review.

What does Netflix have to do with online dating?

No, it's not the fact that spending a lonely Saturday night solo with your Netflix queue makes you think "I should really give online dating another try."

Actually, that might be true too, but that's not the connection we're talking about here. What we're talking about is algorithms. In the same way that Netflix uses an algorithm to recommend movies a user might like by tracking that user's viewing history, online dating sites use a person's contact history to recommend partners with whom they might be more compatible.

Kang Zhao, assistant professor of management sciences in the Tippie College of Business at the University of Iowa, and doctoral student Xi Wang were part of a team that developed a more successful online dating formula. The team used data provided by a popular online dating service. They examined 475,000 initial contacts involving 47,000 users in two US cities over 196-day period.

Out the 28,000 men and 19,000 women studied, men were far more likely to initiate conversations. Men made 80% of the initial contacts, only 25% of which were actually reciprocated. To improve that rate, the researchers developed a model that recommended more suitable contacts based on two factors:

• A user's tastes (determined by the types of people the user contacted in the past)
• Attractiveness/unattractiveness (determined by how many of those contacts were returned and how many were not)

As it turns out, the combination of taste and attractiveness do a far better job of predicting the success of a connection than the self-reported information online daters enter into their profiles. Why is that? Some online daters are deliberately misleading while others, Zhao theorizes, simply might not know themselves well enough to identify their real tastes in a partner.

Zhao says the existing model for online dating algorithms leads to a return rate of about 25%, but claims that his team's model could boost that rate to 44%. According to the researchers, their model performs best for males with athletic body types connecting with females with athletic or fit body types. The model also works well for women who indicate they "want many kids" and for users who upload a large number of photos of themselves.

So it looks like you'll have no trouble finding a date for next Saturday night if you're an exercise enthusiast who looks forward to breeding and can't stop uploading selfies to Instagram.

When we view someone’s profile, we’re reading about that person in their own words. Thus, the literary concept of the “unreliable narrator” applies. This person says they’re quite a catch - but are they, really? They say they’re low-drama - but is the fact that drama is even brought up signifying something? Even the most compelling, best-written profiles should be taken with a grain of salt until you’ve met in person and hopefully acquired more information, even if it’s just a gut feeling.

So we know that profiles can not always be completely trusted - so what about the preferences of the author? Are they really looking for someone within that exact age range, or would a year or two matter? What about an inch in height? Or body type - how we even define body type is purely subjective, so what would this person make of yours? We have the preferences spelled out in front of us, but should we listen?

The answer is essentially, “How do you feel about gambling?” There’s typically no rule that says you can’t still send someone a first-contact email, even if you don’t fit their specifications perfectly. For some reason we tend to put extra emphasis on those “statistical” preferences like height and age - hard numbers we either fit or don’t. In contrast, we wouldn’t think twice about contacting someone even if we happened to dislike their favorite TV show. Indeed, we actually get less information from those statistical preferences, because there’s usually no room to explain or qualify; are these loose guidelines, or hard rules?

So you can still email whomever you please, but you’re running the risk that age or height or whatever else is actually the most important aspect to them, and that they won’t be pleased you ignored their judgment. For many, though, the risk is worth it: you wouldn’t have been matched up otherwise, so it’s either a gamble that pays off or, worst case, you get one irate email. The decision is yours.

A few points to remember, though: you’re doing this at your own risk. You might get an irate email, or worse - one that is deliberately cruel. If you’re sensitive, you might not want to put yourself through the unneeded stress. Also, if someone does reply that they’re not interested, never, ever argue the matter with them. Some people take a polite refusal as an opportunity to bargain, but it’s the quickest way to turn a situation sour. When you sent the first-contact email, you were seeking clarity; now that you’ve got it, let the matter drop.

Sometimes it’s best to take someone at face value, especially if they’re saying something like, “I’m not interested in commitment” or “I’m only looking for something in the short term.” You might think you can change their minds, but don’t be shocked if ultimately you can’t. Quibbling over points of compatibility is one thing; striving to change life decisions is another.

So if you see a profile that seems perfect except for one niggling point, it might not be a bad idea to contact them anyway and see where it goes. Just remember: the true test of compatibility involves meeting in person. Whether or not this gamble pays off, it’s still best to take the profile with a grain of salt.

Think Tinder is only about hooking up? Not so much. The app is now venturing outside of being a dating app and into the friend zone.

The latest version of Tinder (on the iPhone) keeps the same basic functionality of choosing each potential date based on a photo and a few bits of information gleaned from Facebook. But this time, you aren't just rating a date, but a potential friend - also with one swipe. Once you and your platonic interest have selected each other as friends, you can add each other to your "friend" list and be able to chat via Tinder. (I'm guessing you can swap notes on people you are hooking up with.)

The list feature in the latest version of the app allows users to customize according to how they want to categorize the people they've approved/ met over Tinder. Maybe according to city where they live, hair color, or height? If you are spending a lot of time meeting people on Tinder, it's a good way to keep everyone straight.

Another addition to 3.0 is the ability to add up to six profile photos, so you don't have to rely on just one to prove how hot you might be. (All photos are visible at the same time, so you don't have to worry about which one potential matches will see first.) Tinder has also improved its algorithms so that you end up with more accurate potential matches.

Founder Sean Rad told website TechCrunch that "eventually, Tinder will create automatic, dynamic lists for users, based on its relevancy algorithm and user preferences, location and interests." In other words, Tinder will notice where you are and who you are interested in (and for what purpose - dating, friendship, work, etc.) and become smarter about sending you matches based on your past swiping preferences.

But the ability to distinguish your Tinder contacts into categories that suit your life - dating, work, or friendship - is a huge breakthrough according to Rad.

"You have certain co-workers, acquaintances, and whatnot, and it would be socially awkward if you added them on Facebook," Rad says in TechCrunch. For instance, if you were to come across a co-worker or colleague on Tinder, you could swipe right and be added to each other's business contact or friends list. It replaces the Facebook dilemna of whether or not to add someone when there isn't much of a personal connection - and perhaps there are some things you post that you don't want them to see. "That's the breakthrough with Tinder," he adds. "That signal has been gone until now."

When writing an online dating profile, it can be easy to become anxious. Most of what we focus on is what we can control - how we’re coming across in this sentence or with this picture. Sure, there’s not a lot we can control when it comes to the chemistry between two people, but we focus on making the best first impression we can.

The problem is, though the approach is logical, we wind up placing a lot of emphasis on the judgement of others, rather than whether we’re really looking for a connection with another person. In fact, we can put so much weight on whether the reader is interested in our profile that we don’t always wonder whether we’re even interested in them!

Sometimes filling out a profile and going on a first date can feel similar to a job application and interview. It’s important to remember that it’s not the same thing. If any “interviewing” is taking place, it’s mutual (actually, that’s not a bad thought on a job interview, either). If you view a relationship as a power struggle, or inherently imbalanced, you’re likely getting off on the wrong foot.

Instead of focusing on whether our appearance is perfect, our profile is flawless, or whether we make the best “first date,” perhaps we ought to remember why we’re dating in the first place: to find someone with whom we feel comfortable, “ourselves,” and whose company we genuinely enjoy.

It doesn’t hurt to remember that while we’re checking out the profiles of others, either. When you’re actively aware that you’re searching for a “new best friend,” as it were, it seems a little sillier to quibble over an inch in height or a year in age. It’s easier to find a solid match when you’re viewing a list of profiles with that goal in mind, and not like a row of dolls in a toy store.

Sure, it can be exciting and intoxicating to consider the potential romance that may await you. And when it comes to our own behavior, it’s easy to slip into a competitive, perfectionist mode. But before you become distracted by such tangents, ask yourself: are any of those qualities useful when it comes to finding real compatibility?