Online Dating

I haven't been this excited for a comeback since the Spice Girls reunion. Here's hoping the relaunch of the OkTrends blog lasts longer than the relaunch of everybody's favorite 90s pop girl group.

The disappearance of OkTrends, the quirky but insightful blog of OkCupid, was always a mystery to me. It dominated the web while it was active, and is undoubtedly one of the greatest marketing ideas ever deployed, but for some inexplicable reason the blog fell dormant.

"From August 2010 to April 2011," says Digiday.com, "OkTrends posts averaged a staggering 32,500 Facebook likes and 4,222 tweets." With OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder at the helm, the blog took off and introduced the site to millions of new potential users. But then, shortly after IAC purchased OkCupid in 2011, OkTrends disappeared and many felt that the purchase was to blame.

Rudder, however, firmly denies the suggestion. He cites a lack of time due to other responsibilities at OkCupid and a new book he's writing, called Dataclysm, that's due out in fall 2014. Rudder promises the book will be "a superset of all the stuff I did on OkTrends." Digiday adds that the book is described as "a witty, provocative, visually fascinating look at how 'big data' is transforming our understanding of race, politics, age, beauty, sex, humor, even history, and ushering in a new era in the study of human nature."

Ok, count me in. Sounds like an intriguing read. But what about that OkTrends blog, huh? Sometimes I prefer to digest my information digitally. Why not just hire another writer to cover while Rudder finishes his book?

"This is just going to sound very self-serving, but I just don't know if that's possible," he says. "I'm in the unique position of being a founder of the site. I just know it so incredibly well...I just don't know how you find someone out there that can do it."

A little narcissistic, maybe, but the man's probably right. It would be a disappointment for all of us if the blog came back and was only half as good as the original. Do it right, or don't do it at all.

The good news is, OkCupid is going the "do it right" route. Rudder plans to rekindle the blog in March, after he's submitted the manuscript for Dataclysm, and he promises it's going to be better than ever.

"I'm excited about starting it back up again," he teased in Digiday. "I'm definitely going to try and bring a new little twist."

Choosing the right picture for your online dating profile is an art form.

Wait a minute, you don't even have a profile picture? Ok, let's start right there: get one. Stat. You're gonna need it.

Here's what you need to know to choose one that brings all the boys (and girls) to the yard:

1. Do take candids. Candid shots that convey less effort tend to get a better response than professionally posed pictures. On average, candids receive 2x the messages that professionally posed photos do.
2. Don't pose in the bathroom. Please, just don't. No one has ever looked good with grout in the background.
3. Do share your passions. Show off your personality in pictures instead of words. Upload shots of you engaging in your favorite hobbies, pastimes, and passions. Action shots lead to 3x the amount of interest and higher quality conversations.
4. Don't do duck face; do do a kissy face. If your lips are parted, people are 5% more likely to be attracted to you. On top of that, women are 32% more likely to be chosen by someone when they pucker their lips into a kissing face instead of just keeping them sealed.
5. Do wear red. Both men and women find those who wear red to be more sexually appealing. Rawr.
6. Do put on a happy face. I don't need to tell you that people aren't looking for angry or sad dates. People are 12% less likely to click on you if your profile picture expresses a negative emotional state.
7. Don't post huge group shots. It just gets confusing. If it's not obvious which one is you, it's not a good choice for your dating profile.
8. Do go for natural light. It's the most flattering, and could make you look as much as 10 years younger.
9. Do remove your glasses. Online daters are 28% less likely to click on your profile if you're wearing glasses in the picture.
10. Ladies: do make eye contact. Making eye contact and flirting directly with the camera gets the best response from potential suitors. Think "Myspace angle."
11. Men: don't make eye contact. Men get better responses when they are staring at something off in the distance with a charismatic smile. Think "I'm too cool for direct camera contact."
12. Do smile! People are 45% more likely to select profile pictures when the subject is smiling.
13. Do find the sweet spot. 3 photos is the ideal number. Profiles with 3 pictures receive up to 85% more messages than profiles with more or fewer.

Not to brag or anything, but I think we ladies have it pretty good when it comes to the dating game. Sure, everybody has their ups and downs, but if we look at the way things are often run around here, we definitely seem to come out ahead in the online dating world.

Josh Fischer, the Director of Product Insights at SNAP Interactive, the company that owns Are You Interested, put together a collection of charts that shows exactly how women have the advantage over men on online dating sites. Each chart examines the probability that men and women respond to messages given the age of the message's sender.

The likelihood that an American woman responds to a man on AYI.com drops significantly as the age gap between them increases. The younger the man is, relative to the woman, the better shot he has. The probability of receiving a response peaks when the man is 7-8 years younger than the woman, and steadily declines from there.

The likelihood that an American man responds to a woman on AYI.com varies much more, and the response rates across all age differences are far higher. In fact, it actually dips the lowest when the man is 7-8 years younger than the woman. Merge the charts together, and they don't ever cross paths. Not even once.

Over all, AYI's charts show that, when comparing men and women responding to people their own age, women respond to men 4% of the time while men respond to women around 18% of the time. In other words, the vast majority of messages go unanswered regardless of age or gender.

It also means that the average straight man will have to send 25 messages to women his own age in order to receive one response, while the average straight woman will have to send just 5 messages. Hardly fair, if you ask me.

According to BusinessInsider.com, these conclusions can also be drawn from the data:

• A straight man's best bet is to go the Mrs. Robinson route. The 8-10% chance that a woman 10-8 years older than a man will respond to a message is double the rate of his own peers.
• The New York Jets have better odds of going to the Superbowl this year than men of a certain age have of getting a response from a woman ten years younger. Ouch.
• At worst, there's a 1 in 6 chance a man will respond to a woman's message regardless of her age. So go for it, ladies - you've clearly got nothing to lose.

Sometimes when there are seemingly endless options available to us, making a decision can be difficult. Having too many choices can work against us - the more we have to choose from, the more overwhelmed we feel and the less informed choices we make.

Such is the case with online dating. While it brings us constant opportunities to meet new people, it can also give us a "grass is greener" complex. Here's how it works: No matter how great the person is sitting across from you, you think there might be somebody else who's even better. So you don't pursue this woman you find so attractive simply because you want to keep your options open. Instead, you go back to your online search and look for more matches to contact, more dates to pursue. You've become a serial online dater.

While this might make dating more exciting, you're making a sacrifice - you're actively choosing not to pursue or cultivate a relationship. Until you decide to stop your endless search and focus on the person sitting across from you, you'll never get to the relationship part of dating.

It's pretty easy to go online and search for dates, so it's no wonder some of us use online dating to avoid any type of commitment. Especially if you're heart is broken. Maybe you feel like the people you love cheat or abandon you, so why would your date be any different? The problem is, if you don't give someone a real chance, then you'll never find out if it can be different.

If you're a serial dater, you also might be thinking that you just haven't met "the one" yet - the elusive woman or man who sweeps you off your feet, who is so much more beautiful, successful, adventurous, funny, etc. than anyone you've dated so far. It's just a matter of time, right? Not so much. The truth is, you're not giving the people you're meeting a real chance. You haven't taken the time to get to know them and see if there is a real connection. Instead, you're relying only on chemistry or infatuation or unrealistic expectations, which aren't great barometers of long-term relationship success.

And if you are constantly analyzing your dates, looking for faults? You'll never find that "perfect" person, because everyone comes with some sort of history or baggage or preconceived notions, including you. It's important to be honest with ourselves about who we are and what we bring to the table, faults, weaknesses, strengths and abilities. We are all wonderful in unique ways, and we are also human beings.

Instead of serial dating, try making a real effort with the next person you ask out. It could make all the difference.

At one point, “Anastasia” decided that she was hopeless at dating. Online dating, she thought, would be better - she’d always expressed herself better through her writing.

Fast forward a few months, and Anastasia had now come to the complete opposite opinion. “It turns out maybe I wasn’t as bad in person as I thought,” she said. “I think I was just too shy to approach anyone. But once I’m chatting in person, I’m fine! Now, writing a profile, on the other hand - that was harder than I thought. I try too hard to be funny, and I’m just not funny when I’m writing. And I guess I’m not as fantastic a writer as I thought, because hardly anyone messages me. Nope, I’ll just be bolder in person.”

Two weeks later she was back again with a new decision. “Now I remember why I wanted to try online dating in the first place,” she said. “I don’t run into anyone I’m interested in, pretty much ever! Everyone at work is married, everyone in my building is married or under the age of twelve. There aren’t even any cute men who work at the grocery store! I think I must be the only person of my generation in a ten-mile radius.” What was she to do?

Ultimately, a little of everything, using knowledge from all of her experiences thus far. Anastasia knew that she needed to be more bold in person; turned out, that applied to online dating, as well. Instead of sitting back, waiting for people to message her, she started messaging them first. Instead of attempting to woo them via profile or email, she took the first step once again and suggested meeting up sooner rather than later.

She also knew that her profile was trying too hard and needed work. She paid better attention to what she enjoyed from the profiles of other people and attempted to apply it to her own profile. Anastasia said it wound up being much simpler than she thought: “All I really needed was the ability to say what I wanted to say, clearly and with correct spelling. I didn’t have to be the funniest person or the smartest. Just a cleaned-up, simplified version of my profile was good enough to get responses to my emails, and then from there we could meet. I guess it’s like the cliche of being yourself - I’m not as different as I thought I was, but I don’t have to be.”

Anastasia’s experience with online dating may be a little convoluted, but it’s not uncommon: we often start out with one mindset and notion, only to have to reassess later. Our perceived strengths and weaknesses change as we learn and grow. Anastasia’s real strength is that she didn’t give up; she kept learning from her experiences, even when she was wrong about something, and she kept moving forward. Are you as willing to learn about yourself?

It’s easy to over-inflate an online dating profile; we start writing, we get carried away on a stream of consciousness, and the next thing we know we’ve written a novella that suddenly seems necessary. Alas, most readers won’t find such length necessary, and they’ll move on after a glance. So how do we streamline our profiles? One fast and easy way: look for redundancy.

Redundancy doesn’t mean repetition within the profile, though of course that could be edited too. No, instead this requires a little thinking - not about yourself, but about your intended audience: those who have signed up on an online dating site.

Thus, the first, most redundant statement is probably something along the lines of: “I’m looking for love.” No kidding! So is everyone else. Now, there are exceptions; if you’re looking for something different from the general culture of the site, it’s best to spell it out. So if you’re looking for a one-night stand on a site that prides itself in matches ending in marriage, you might want to clarify your intentions. If you know you’re in the vast majority, however, it might be best to stay silent on the matter. Your profile’s very existence is doing the talking for you.

Similarly, when it comes time to talk about what you’re looking for, possibly the most redundant statement is a variation on the following: “I’m looking for someone attractive.” First, that’s another no-brainer - of course you’d like to date someone you find attractive. Secondly, it’s not a helpful statement: everyone’s definition of attractive is subjective anyway, so you’re not actually narrowing the field much. And finally, it can make you appear shallow; everyone values appearance, but you value it so much that you’re actually talking about it.

Talking about the physical side of romance in your profile is a related, and even less classy, cousin. When people say they’re looking for love, or a long-term relationship, everything that goes with that is implied (unless, again, you’re looking for something different from the norm). Specifying your skills or preferences in this arena is the equivalent of moving too quickly - or boldly propositioning someone in person before you’ve even said hello. Sure, it might work for some people in some circumstances, but understand the risks before you go that route.

Why is eliminating redundant statements important? Well, you’re shortening your profile, for one thing. By removing the bits that don’t need to be there, you’re highlighting what’s left. But also, because these concepts are so understood, when you leave them in you’re running the risk of coming across as cliched, cheesy, or crude. There’s nothing wrong with starting with a cliched statement to get the creative juices flowing - but when it comes down to the final draft, are you making redundant statements?