Online Dating

If you’re new to online dating, you might have been surprised to learn that “No news is probably bad news.” If you send out a first-contact email, and haven’t heard anything back within a reasonable amount of time (say a week - not everyone lives to check their mail), chances are that’s a negative response. Hopefully, you were already emailing others and weren’t emotionally attached to the idea in the first place; not a big deal, as your attention is already elsewhere.

It can be jarring the first time you encounter it, but once you cotton on to that little online dating etiquette quirk, it’s not a problem. However, there are those who don’t fully grasp this rule of etiquette, and take it too far. They are the Vanishers.

You see, not responding to a first-contact email is sort of the equivalent of handing someone a slip of paper with your number on it and never getting a call. Maybe they lost it, maybe they met someone else, maybe they didn’t like you - whatever the reason, there was no commitment in the first place. It was an option for a beginning that was never taken.

Now, however, imagine that your email got a response, and you subsequently went on a first date - only to hear nothing after the fact. There’s no real-world dating equivalent here, because this is real-world dating. And just because you initially met via online dating, that doesn’t mean that the no-response-is-a-no etiquette quirk applies now.

Sure, you may not have made a commitment for a second date, but Vanishing now carries extra angst. All the usual questions apply - did something terrible happen to the Vanisher? Did they meet someone else? Are they unusually busy? Were they just not interested? - but now that you’ve met, they carry more weight than vague rhetorical musings. Actual ethical questions come up: What if something did happen and no one has missed your missing date yet? If you persist in calling, are you acting out of concern or just being overbearing?

The fact is, no one should have to deal with unnecessary responsibility or angst, when a simple “thanks, but no thanks” would clear up all the unanswered questions. Instead of Vanishing, be straightforward and firm. You don’t need to feel obligated to give specifics or present your case; after all, you’re not trying to convince your date that you’re not a good match. Just state that you aren’t interested.

Many people feel that Vanishing is kinder; they don’t want to be the bad guy. Instead, it just creates more questions, instead of clean closure. Plus, after turning down a further relationship, you’ll disappear anyway - why not do them a true kindness by providing closure before you go?

If you’re considering Vanishing after you’ve already been on a date, remember: you may not want to feel like the bad guy, but it’s considerably better than actually being the bad guy. Would you rather be free to move on to someone else, or deal with a mysterious Vanisher?

It seems Australians have gotten over the stigma that used to come with online dating. The majority of singles (51%) said they have either tried online dating or are willing to give it a shot. It seems more and more are looking outside their own networks of friends, colleagues and family to pursue a romantic relationship.

So if you're a resident, you might be wondering: who would I be meeting through an online dating site?

Two of the country's most popular online dating sites, eHarmony and RSVP, have pulled research from their membership to reveal the typical Australian online dater. So in case you were wondering, now's your chance to find out before you sign up.

According to eHarmony, which has a user base of about two million in the country, the average Australian online dater has never been married, is in her (or his) early to mid-thirties and works as a teacher. The next most popular professions for females are nursing and retail, and for men - truck driving. It makes sense that singles in such isolated professions, some with shifting schedules, would look for love online.

"Plenty of research exists showing that many people meet their partner at work," eHarmony spokeswoman Sarah Mason told the Sydney Morning Herald. "However, a large number work in an environment which is not conducive to developing meaningful romantic relationships. Others may be too time-poor, or just shirk at the thought of making small talk in a noisy bar after a long day at work."

The research from dating site RSVP differed a bit from eHarmony, however. According to them, the most popular age group is between 25-34, followed by 35-44 year-olds. For these members, the most popular occupation is in healthcare, followed by education and science.

Not surprisingly, most of the women on RSVP want men who are a few inches taller. Both sexes prefer people with green eyes. Also, vegetarians have a 37% higher success rate with other vegetarians on the site.

RSVP has about two million members as well.

While this research paints a picture of the typical online dater in Australia, especially in terms of professions they hold, it doesn't reference all of the diversity found online. Let's face it: people have all different backgrounds, preferences, and reasons for joining a dating site. Variety of choice is more important to online dating than knowing the "types" of people you might see online when you join. People connect based on chemistry, not on profession, height preference, or even the type of food you enjoy. So date with an open mind.

Why is everyone suddenly upset about OkCupid's A-List membership? Anyone with the ability to read - which I assume is the vast majority of the OkCupid userbase - should have known long ago about the little quirk that's been getting everyone's goat this week.

Let me back up a little bit. OkCupid's best functionality, like pretty much every other dating site, is saved for its paying members. Members of OkCupid's A-List receive perks like the ability to browse profiles invisibly, proof that their messages have been opened, and special match search options. It's that last one that's got everybody up in arms all of a sudden.

James Cook of KernelMag.com recently wrote that, by paying the $4.95 monthly fee for A-List membership, you can "make all those fat, ugly people on the internet go away" and called OkCupid's premium search options "eyebrow-raising in an era of tolerance and political correctness."

Whew. Those are some seriously inflammatory, designed-to-cause-outrage-and-garner-clicks statements! But are they true?

Well, yeah, technically they are. A-List members can filter their search results based on body type, so yes - a user could filter out anyone who describes themselves as "overweight," "a little extra," "curvy," "full figured," or "used up." They can also filter their search results based on members' crowdsourced ratings so they are only shown profiles that receive 5/5 stars.

But I think it's shortsighted to focus only on that. Every other body type is also represented, so an A-List member could filter out anyone who describes themselves as "thin" or "skinny" just as easily (not everyone is into that, remember?). Or maybe you're not a fan of the bodybuilder, hyper-muscled physique. No problem - just filter out anyone who calls themselves "jacked."

The thing is, every single one of us is doing this in real life anyway, aren't we? Of course it's shallow - no one is denying that - but it's reality. We make snap judgments about potential dates based on what we are and aren't attracted to all the time. Would life be better if we didn't? Absolutely! But it's not happening any time soon, and I think it's unfair to fault people for having preferences as long as they aren't being narrow-minded jerks about it.

And if they are being narrow-minded jerks about it...well...there's another way to look at this A-List search "scandal." If you hate the idea of people being able to filter you out by your body type, think of it this way: they're simultaneously filtering themselves out of your life. They get what they want and you get fewer shallow jerks in your life...it's a win for everyone.

Let's face it: dating after a breakup of any kind isn't easy. Dating after a divorce is even harder. And online dating after divorce, especially if you've never dated online before, can be downright terrifying. Some of you will feel like throwing in the towel before you've even entered the ring.

But here's the good news: you're not the first person to date after a divorce, and you certainly won't be the last. The process doesn't have to be stressful if you don't want it to be (and why would you want it to be?).

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you want to date after a divorce without driving yourself insane:

1. Stop thinking that online dating is for losers. Seriously, this stereotype is getting old. It's well past time to bury it. These days you're practically in the minority if you haven't tried it. In no way is online dating a sign of failure - it's an awesome opportunity to meet people you never would have met otherwise.
2. Remember it's just a date and there are plenty more out there. In fact, you don't even have to think of it as dating. Just think of it as a chance to meet interesting new people. If you click - great. If you don't - no big deal. Never be afraid to say "next" if it doesn't feel right.
3. Do your best to manage your expectations. Be honest, because it's the right thing to do, but remember that not everyone else will be. That person who sounds perfect on paper might not be so perfect in person. On the other hand, take a chance on someone who doesn't sound quite right in the beginning - you never know who's going to surprise you.
4. Meet as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. It's easy to create a fantasy version of someone when you're chatting online. Don't waste weeks wrapped up in make-believe only to find out that you're not actually compatible in real life.
5. There's no rush. Take it slowly, even if you meet and hit it off right away. If this is the person for you, the bond will grow in its own time.
6. Have a sense of humor about it. Crazy things can happen when you're online dating. The experience will be so much more rewarding if you can laugh at the lunacy when it happens.
7. Don't go looking for your next spouse right away. Have fun DATING. If you only date to find the love of your life, you'll probably be disappointed most of the time. If you're also open to meeting a new friend, making a business contact, or just enjoying a few hours of conversation with someone new, you'll enjoy the process so much more.

Every day online dating sites get just a little bit smarter. With every piece of info typed into a profile or search bar, dating platforms collect a new piece of data about how singles look for a partner and what they want in their relationships.

It gets more sophisticated all the time (facial recognition software, anyone?), which has to make you at least wonder if one day the Internet will be better at finding love for us than we are at finding it for ourselves. There's the plot to a Hollywood thriller in there somewhere...

But I digress. To discover how some of the biggest dating sites in the world are matching members, Mashable spoke with the talented men and women behind some of the most high-tech algorithms out there. If you've ever wondered how your personal data is used to find the love of your life, wonder no more.

MATCH

As the largest dating site in the world, Match.com has unprecedented access to dating data. Members fill out anywhere from 15 to 100 questions, as well as free-response essays, and are assigned points based on each parameter in the system. Those with similar point scores have a higher chance of being compatible.

Match also looks into what members say they want in a partner vs. who they actually pursue on the site. By carefully observing members' behavior, Match gets a more accurate picture of what they're really looking for. Match constantly updates and refines its algorithm to make it as effective as possible.

HowAboutWe

HowAboutWe takes a different approach to online dating by encouraging members to get offline and on actual dates.

"Our deepest insight is that it's difficult to predict chemistry online," said Aaron Schildkrout, HowAboutWe co-founder and co-CEO. "That's why our ultimate focus is on actual dates. Get offline - that's where the chemistry happens."

Like Match, HowAboutWe relies on analyzing user behavior to make recommendations. Self-reported data, like political affiliation, is much less important on the site.

COFFEE MEETS BAGEL

Coffee Meets Bagel is at the forefront of the social dating revolution. CMB matches users through a mix of behavior on the site and personal info culled from Facebook.

"People talk a lot about big data these days, but the biggest area of opportunity is incorporating social elements into that through user inputs such as friend recommendations," said Coffee Meets Bagel CEO Arum Kang.

"Ultimately," she added, "we believe, like Facebook does, that our members do a better job than algorithms at regulating human interactions."

Perhaps the rise of free Internet porn has come at a cost to some large companies. FriendFinder Networks Inc. (FFNTQ), publisher of Penthouse Magazine and a number of adult entertainment websites, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

FriendFinder said that it has struck a deal with debt holders to reduce its debt by $300 million if accepted by the U.S. Bankruptcy court in Delaware. One note holder will get ownership of the sex entertainment business if the plan goes through.

The company built its network by buying and starting up social media, dating, and sex sites such as adultfriendfinder.com (for casual relationships), Amigos.com for Latin dating, and BigChurch.com (aimed at those more spiritual). Together the FriendFinder network includes 8,000 websites with 220 million members and 750,000 subscribers. But they haven't turned a profit since 2008.

FriendFinder Networks was originally formed in 2003 when founders Marc Bell and Daniel Staton purchased the publisher of Penthouse from bankruptcy. A year later they'd planned to launch an initial public offering with $460 million, but when the IPO was completed in 2011, they'd only managed to raise $46 million.

The company had also tried to purchase Playboy Enterprises in 2010, but the deal fell through.

The founders primarily blame the financial problems on the $400 million acquisition of Various, a network of dating sites that didn't generate the revenue expected, and the fact that credit card companies wouldn't process payments from sex website members. Others are looking at the bigger picture of the industry itself.

The question that perhaps the company's founders hadn't planned on was: who needs to pay a monthly fee to look for sex and porn when the Internet (and mobile apps) are rife with free options?

The question of the growing popularity of the mobile platform is one to consider as well. Dating app Tinder has exploded, and FriendFinder was rapidly trying to move its business into the mobile space since roughly 80% of its traffic was migrating from the desktop.

And what about Penthouse? Its flagship business has expanded into European broadcasting, a video business and does licensing deals as well, but surprisingly, the print edition of the magazine is still available even though it's struggling.

FriendFinder isn't the only casualty in the wake of free Internet porn. Earlier this year, LodgeNet Interactive, which provided adult films and video games to hotel guests, filed for bankruptcy, partly due to Internet competition.