Vanishing is Cruel, Not Kind
- Wednesday, November 13 2013 @ 08:22 pm
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,042
If you’re new to online dating, you might have been surprised to learn that “No news is probably bad news.” If you send out a first-contact email, and haven’t heard anything back within a reasonable amount of time (say a week - not everyone lives to check their mail), chances are that’s a negative response. Hopefully, you were already emailing others and weren’t emotionally attached to the idea in the first place; not a big deal, as your attention is already elsewhere.
It can be jarring the first time you encounter it, but once you cotton on to that little online dating etiquette quirk, it’s not a problem. However, there are those who don’t fully grasp this rule of etiquette, and take it too far. They are the Vanishers.
You see, not responding to a first-contact email is sort of the equivalent of handing someone a slip of paper with your number on it and never getting a call. Maybe they lost it, maybe they met someone else, maybe they didn’t like you - whatever the reason, there was no commitment in the first place. It was an option for a beginning that was never taken.
Now, however, imagine that your email got a response, and you subsequently went on a first date - only to hear nothing after the fact. There’s no real-world dating equivalent here, because this is real-world dating. And just because you initially met via online dating, that doesn’t mean that the no-response-is-a-no etiquette quirk applies now.
Sure, you may not have made a commitment for a second date, but Vanishing now carries extra angst. All the usual questions apply - did something terrible happen to the Vanisher? Did they meet someone else? Are they unusually busy? Were they just not interested? - but now that you’ve met, they carry more weight than vague rhetorical musings. Actual ethical questions come up: What if something did happen and no one has missed your missing date yet? If you persist in calling, are you acting out of concern or just being overbearing?
The fact is, no one should have to deal with unnecessary responsibility or angst, when a simple “thanks, but no thanks” would clear up all the unanswered questions. Instead of Vanishing, be straightforward and firm. You don’t need to feel obligated to give specifics or present your case; after all, you’re not trying to convince your date that you’re not a good match. Just state that you aren’t interested.
Many people feel that Vanishing is kinder; they don’t want to be the bad guy. Instead, it just creates more questions, instead of clean closure. Plus, after turning down a further relationship, you’ll disappear anyway - why not do them a true kindness by providing closure before you go?
If you’re considering Vanishing after you’ve already been on a date, remember: you may not want to feel like the bad guy, but it’s considerably better than actually being the bad guy. Would you rather be free to move on to someone else, or deal with a mysterious Vanisher?
It can be jarring the first time you encounter it, but once you cotton on to that little online dating etiquette quirk, it’s not a problem. However, there are those who don’t fully grasp this rule of etiquette, and take it too far. They are the Vanishers.
You see, not responding to a first-contact email is sort of the equivalent of handing someone a slip of paper with your number on it and never getting a call. Maybe they lost it, maybe they met someone else, maybe they didn’t like you - whatever the reason, there was no commitment in the first place. It was an option for a beginning that was never taken.
Now, however, imagine that your email got a response, and you subsequently went on a first date - only to hear nothing after the fact. There’s no real-world dating equivalent here, because this is real-world dating. And just because you initially met via online dating, that doesn’t mean that the no-response-is-a-no etiquette quirk applies now.
Sure, you may not have made a commitment for a second date, but Vanishing now carries extra angst. All the usual questions apply - did something terrible happen to the Vanisher? Did they meet someone else? Are they unusually busy? Were they just not interested? - but now that you’ve met, they carry more weight than vague rhetorical musings. Actual ethical questions come up: What if something did happen and no one has missed your missing date yet? If you persist in calling, are you acting out of concern or just being overbearing?
The fact is, no one should have to deal with unnecessary responsibility or angst, when a simple “thanks, but no thanks” would clear up all the unanswered questions. Instead of Vanishing, be straightforward and firm. You don’t need to feel obligated to give specifics or present your case; after all, you’re not trying to convince your date that you’re not a good match. Just state that you aren’t interested.
Many people feel that Vanishing is kinder; they don’t want to be the bad guy. Instead, it just creates more questions, instead of clean closure. Plus, after turning down a further relationship, you’ll disappear anyway - why not do them a true kindness by providing closure before you go?
If you’re considering Vanishing after you’ve already been on a date, remember: you may not want to feel like the bad guy, but it’s considerably better than actually being the bad guy. Would you rather be free to move on to someone else, or deal with a mysterious Vanisher?
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