Online Dating

If you’ve survived your teen years, chances are you or someone you know has taken a compatibility quiz in a magazine. In junior high they were something almost mystical and sacred, especially if they included astrology. “I’m not sure I should have a crush on him - he’s a Libra, so apparently it could never work in the long run.”

Even if you were no longer in the teeny-bopper demographic, the compatibility quizzes didn’t stop there; even magazines aimed at adults promised to cut their way to the core of your relationships, real or potential, with five easy questions. And even though everyone knows these sort of quizzes are mostly arbitrary, it was tempting to find meaning in them, define yourself by them, view conversations through the lens provided by them.

Those quizzes haven’t gone away today; in fact, they’re a main feature for many online dating sites. But the question is, are those quizzes any more useful than they were for preteens? If a computer algorithm matches you with someone, is it really much better than charting your astrological signs?

Yes... and no. Matching systems can certainly find people in whom you might well be interested - people who fit the general categories that would catch your eye: age, profession, even interests. What they can’t do is tell you if you’d actually be good for one another - hence the familiar story of being “matched” with an ex. Sure, you might have been interested at some point, so the system isn’t wrong - you’re just ahead of the system.

Quizzes are another issue. Depending on the site and type of quiz, they might not have been answered with much consideration or seriousness. On the one hand, you can choose to take them with a grain of salt. On the other, sometimes an answer can reveal something about the character of the test-taker. In short, there’s probably no cause to be broken-hearted if you and your partner don’t match up perfectly. On the other hand, if a potential match has red flags all over their quiz results, it might not be a bad idea to treat them with caution.

However, there’s something else to consider: those same red flags would probably surface in conversation. After all, if someone is vile enough to be apparent via an innocent quiz, there’s no hiding it for long. Also, in person you’re dealing with real-time reactions and responses, not carefully thought-out quiz answers. So a quiz might indeed be helpful, but meeting in person is still the best way to determine your compatibility.

So the next time you encounter a compatibility quiz, give it all the weight you want - but remember it’s just to help you decide if you want to meet this person, not whether you’re in love with them. The true assessment happens on the first date.

Are you addicted to Tinder? There's a new social dating app called Charm that takes the Tinder approach to a new level - this time with videos instead of pictures.

Charm was created as a stand-alone app by the makers of MeetMe, formerly MyYearbook. MeetMe has marketed itself primarily as a social app where people could meet for friendship as well as dating. Charm is its next offering, giving those who prefer dating-specific apps a new way of sifting through potential dates with one swipe of a thumb.

Co-founder Geoff Cook has been impressed with the way Tinder has taken off. But he's not convinced that using pictures to determine whether or not to date someone is a good idea, because pictures can be so misleading. So instead, Charm offers the same easy yes/no swipe feature as Tinder, but instead of using pictures as a way to decide who to date, members view short, looping videos. MeetMe has marketed the product by positioning against Tinder, including creating a slogan that reads: "Because you are so much more than a profile pic!"

The videos on Charm are easy to create - just hold your thumb to the screen and record, similar to Vine, another social dating app. And like Vine, the video plays on a loop.

Each video clip is between six to ten seconds in length, allowing users to show off a skill, deliver a smooth pick-up line or perform a short sketch. If you're unsure of how best to present yourself, Charm advises that: "people who are happy and friendly get the best response."

While Cook maintains this is a better way to meet people than with a pictures-only app, there is something intimidating about making a video. It puts you more on display - there's not much to hide (or Photoshop), and video can display your personality and quirks, giving people a much more intimate view of who you are without ever meeting you. Plus, you have to come up with a creative way of promoting yourself without being shy - which could end up being misleading in its own way, as one of the videos showed a guy twerking while in a handstand position. Does he really do that in his everyday life? This might not click with some daters, who prefer the ease and relative anonymity of Tinder.

For now, the company is keeping Charm as a standalone app, rather than making it a feature of MeetMe. However, Cook says that down the line, some of the functionality of this app could make its way to MeetMe or other standalone apps. The company plans to release three more apps over the next six months.

They say variety is the spice of life, but perhaps the truth is even more extreme; it can be a sign of life. As human beings, we’re constantly changing; we do different things with our hair, we age, our face is constantly in motion with a range of expressions to match our varied emotions.

Now consider the type of photos that many of us choose for our online dating profiles. When you’ve experimented with “selfies” long enough, you start to notice that there are certain faces that you personally think makes you look more attractive. There might be certain angles that are more flattering, and proper lighting can make all the difference. Maybe you’ve discovered that some hairstyles work better on camera than others.

On the one hand, all this experimentation is good; if you learn what works for you, you’ll probably have more photos you’re happy with. On the other hand, take a look at the photos you opt to show others; you might find the variety is dwindling.

Do you see the same face, at the same angle, with the same slight smile in all your photos? Might want to rethink that. It’s not just that it’s sort of creepy seeing the same “face” over and over again; it’s that it’s probably not that representative of what you actually look like in person.

Consider how different a face looks when it’s serious and when it’s in a broad smile. Even a fake, “pretty” smile and a genuine, laughing-with-squinted-eyes can be vastly different. Would someone recognize you walking through the door if all they’d seen is one frozen expression?

When choosing the photos you’ll be using on your online dating profiles, consider that variety lends a more genuine, honest touch. Not every picture might showcase what you consider to be your best side; on the other hand, not every restaurant’s lighting is the most flattering, either. By including photos with a little variety, you’re demonstrating that you’re not afraid to be yourself, even when you’re not airbrushed to perfection. The reader will feel more of a connection to you; even better, your date won’t be shocked the first time you crack a different expression.

Statistically, there are those who find love on the very first date they set up via an online dating site. Yep, they wrote their profile, messaged (or were messaged by) someone, met in person, and sparks flew. They might be rare, but they do exist.

However, they’re outliers. For the rest of us, a little time, patience, and yes, unsuccessful dates are likely to be found along the way. And that’s not even a bad thing.

Many people sign up for online dating sites when they’re reeling from some sort of upheaval. Maybe it’s a relationship that’s suddenly come to an end. Maybe it’s a startling revelation about being pro-active in romance. Maybe it’s a giddy moment with friends. Rarely is it a cool, calculated move at the end of a long, boring afternoon.

As such, not all people know exactly what they’re looking for. They don’t always know what truly makes someone else compatible. They might not have separated fantasy (“I want to date a supermodel!”) from confidence (“I deserve someone who respects me as much as I’d respect them.”). They’re dealing in abstract concepts, instead of real people.

That’s where the dating comes in. Every date shapes you as well as your potential match. Your expectations and desires are refined; you’re able to better define what’s really important to you, or even learn something about the sort of person you’re drawn to. Even if you aren’t ultimately compatible, you might learn why. And if you’re going on “bad” dates over and over again, you can examine whether the problem lies in your search process.

Over time, your dating might feel less like spinning a wheel and more like you’re getting closer to hitting the bullseye. Now, when someone with whom you truly share a spark comes along, it feels all the more obvious and dramatic. And you’re confident that you’re not missing out on something better.

You might not have entered the world of online dating fully prepared and ready to find romance, but there’s something to be learned from every date. Are you approaching your “unsuccessful” dates from an educational perspective?

Is online dating still a last resort for singles? Not according to the latest Pew Internet and American Life study released in late October.

Research revealed that one in ten American adults have used online dating sites such as Match.com, eHarmony or OkCupid. Even more interesting was that 7% of mobile users said they've used a mobile dating app, showing that mobile dating has grown rapidly since the apps first appeared a few years ago.

The study showed that attitudes about online dating have changed since 2005 when the last survey was conducted. A majority of Americans are generally positive about online dating. Among those polled, 59 percent agreed with the statement that "online dating is a good way to meet people," compared with just 44 percent in 2005. And 52 percent agreed with the sentiment that "online dating allows people to find a better match for themselves because they can get to know a lot more people," up from 29 percent in 2005.

Even more impressive was that 42% of Internet users say they know someone who is using a dating website, even if they aren't themselves, up from 31% in 2005. Also, 29% know someone who married or had a long-term relationship with a person they met through online dating, compared with 15% in the last survey.

Not everyone is so smitten with online dating, however. Twenty-one percent agreed with the comment that "people who use online dating sites are desperate," though that was down from 29 percent in 2005. Also, Pew posed a first-time question in the study, asking "does online dating keep people from settling down because they always have options for people to date?" Thirty-two percent answered in the affirmative.

The more interesting findings were in some of the experiences people had on online dating sites. Fifty-four percent "felt someone else seriously misrepresented themselves in their profile," and 28% "have been contacted by someone through an online dating site or app in a way that made them feel harassed or uncomfortable." Forty-two percent of women felt this way, compared to only 17% of men.

The report is based on a survey of 2,252 adults aged 18 and older. According to the report's lead author Aaron Smith, "we're not just looking at users of a particular site or a convenience sample. We have the ability to look at a nationally representative portion of the population to show not only what's happening now but how those behaviors have changed over a period of time."

On the internet, we tend to be skeptical of anything that looks too good to be true - because, quite frequently, it is. Thus, when you encounter a profile that seems to hit all the right notes with you, it’s not a bad idea to copy and paste a bit into an internet search; is this really a great writer or a one-size-fits-all winner?

Don’t be shocked if your search returns more than one hit; after all, many people sign up for multiple sites, and it stands to reason that they’d crib from their own work for at least some of it. However, if the name, location, and general stats are all drastically different, but the profile itself is identical, it might be time to ask some difficult questions.

That being said, every plagiarized work has to come from somewhere, right? It may not be incredibly likely that you’ve stumbled upon the original author, but the chance does exist. If you’re willing to give your potential match a chance regardless of their questionable profile ethics, tread carefully and critically - do your email interactions sound like the same “voice”? Does this person display any other red flags you might otherwise normally ignore? You can also try the direct approach: ask them point-blank, “Are you aware this profile is used elsewhere on the internet in x different locations?”

If your profile has been sitting unchanged for some time, there’s also a chance you’ve unwittingly been copied elsewhere. Try doing a search for your own profile; you might be surprised at what comes up! The chance of being mistaken for a plagiarizer, or worse, a scammer, is yet another reason to update your profile regularly. And eluding a search engine shouldn’t be your only focus; your profile may have been great when you first wrote it years ago, but does it accurately reflect who you are today? Remember, you want someone to be interested in you as you are now, not a previous version.

An internet search engine seems like an unlikely companion in online dating, but it can be a great ally. Not only can it be an aid in assessing your own gut instincts, it can prevent you from some embarrassment of your own.