Online Dating

Ask those who have tried online dating and most will agree: it does expand your social circles. Through the swipe of a screen or click of a button, you have plenty of new people to meet that you wouldn’t encounter if you only relied on friends and family members to set you up on dates. But sometimes despite all these opportunities, online dating is an overwhelming, confusing and even disappointing experience.

A recent article in Mic.com looked deeper into this phenomenon, asking psychologists what they make of online dating, and citing studies that maintain it’s not necessarily productive in terms of finding a long-term relationship.

There have been studies about how too many choices can overwhelm us to the point of paralysis. In a 2010 study by Psychological Science, researchers found that when we have too many choices in dating we often don’t make good decisions. They likened it to shopping: when consumers are faced with too many brands of product, whether it’s laundry detergents or chocolate, our brains become overwhelmed, which leads us to make poorer choices. In other words, we buy the detergent based on the pretty packaging, not the quality of ingredients or how effectively it cleans clothes.

The study focused on 84 different speed dating events of different sized groups. Those who met 24 or more potential dates in one night tended to feel overwhelmed, and they made decisions about who to date based solely on physical characteristics like height and weight. However at the smaller events, people felt less overwhelm, and made decisions about who to date based on non-physical characteristics, such as sense of humor, education, and career.

As one of the researchers said, “There are constraints on what our brains can do – they’re quite powerful, but they can’t pay attention to everything at once.”

And online dating has only gotten more confusing and overwhelming since dating apps like Tinder have taken over the market. People swipe left and right with little inner guidance about their choices – almost as if they are dating on auto-pilot.

The good news is, we have more choice when it comes to meeting people – we can go outside of our own circles. But we also have to understand that while there seems to be an endless supply of potential dates – and therefore it seems there’s always someone “better” to meet – we are also limiting our love lives. Taking a shopping mentality to dating prevents us from living in the present, and from enjoying the company of someone we’re getting to know. Not everyone is going to be a romantic match, but usually it takes more than one or two dates to get to know someone.

Take your time. There’s no rush. It’s time to enjoy online dating – one person at a time.

Online dating launched and you thought “This couldn't get any more convenient.”

Then mobile dating apps happened, and you thought “Nevermind, this is the pinnacle of dating convenience.”

Soon, if Zoosk has a say, even dating on your smartphone might seem passé. The dating service is rolling out a smartwatch app that integrates with Android Wear technology to take convenience to the next level.

The app, available for download on the Google Play store, brings Zoosk’s Behavioral Matchmaking™ algorithm to the sleek smartwatch interface, offering wearers on-the-go access to potential matches throughout the day. For now the app is free to use for browsing potential matches, but a subscription fee is charged for access to premium features like messaging.

Dating app Clover analyzed data from 200,000 users of its service to find out where people like to go on a first date. Not surprisingly – Starbucks Coffee Chains took the number one spot.

What was surprising about the study was that bars and other popular coffee shops didn’t really figure into the top choices. According to Clover, their users chose restaurants overall, though perhaps meeting for a drink at a restaurant is preferable for most first dates instead of the local bar. After all, if it’s going well – then you can just move on to dinner.

But as it turns out, well-known chain restaurants are among the most popular places to meet a date, as opposed to a local café or even a bar. (It doesn’t pay to be a little more creative.) Chains including In-N-Out, Olive Garden, and Red Lobster are among the top 30 places to meet a first date, according to Clover. Chipotle claimed the number two spot behind Starbucks, beating out Cheesecake Factory at number four and Peet’s Coffee and Tea at number fifteen.

Women differ from men by where they would like to meet for that first date. Fifty-two percent would rather meet at a coffee shop, as opposed to only 35% who prefer to meet at a restaurant. Perhaps because they don’t want to get stuck for a meal that could take hours with someone they aren’t especially attracted to. On the other hand, men are far more willing to take their chances, or at least enjoy a good meal as long as they are on a date. Fifty-one percent of men prefer to meet at restaurants, as opposed to 31% who prefer coffee shops. Surprisingly, neither men or women find bars to be good first date places. Only 18% of men and 13% of women would choose to meet at a bar.

While Starbucks far outweighs any other coffee shop on the list when it comes to preferable meeting places, restaurants do tend to differ according to age. Eighteen to twenty-four year-olds, typically with the lowest discretionary income, chose Chipotle as their number one choice. Twenty-five to thirty-four year-olds preferred Cheesecake Factory, while 35 and older chose The Olive Garden.

It should be noted that Clover is an “on-demand” dating app, which allows users to select a nearby location through the app to meet for a first date. The data was gathered through user preferences in the app.

Ah, the much-maligned hookup app.

It gets a bad rap. Naysayers act like “hookup culture” is a recent phenomenon, like having smartphone access to hundreds of possible dates suddenly made people want to have casual sex with each other.

It sounds silly when you think of it that way, doesn't it? The hookup app didn't make people more inclined to hook up, it just made it more efficient.

We talk about tools like Tinder in a very specific way. The media says they've “revolutionized” how people date and mate. “But,” Mic notes, “what we call modern might not be so new.” The Tinders of the world wouldn't exist if it weren't for one “humble predecessor” that started it all: Craigslist.

Cragslist got its start in 1995, as an email mailing list in San Francisco. It wasn't long before it became more than a marketplace for products and services. Soon it was connecting individuals, spurred on by the opportunity for free, uncensored, and anonymous connections. The site's sparse layout, faceless profiles, and near-endless options made it a perfect destination for those looking to explore.

Craigslist created a uniquely candid atmosphere. Openness between strangers was encouraged. Users felt comfortable sharing their deepest, darkest desires – maybe things they hadn't even acknowledged to themselves. It was, and still is, a place to get honest with yourself and honest with others. Users can be fully themselves, the ultimate freedom.

Like the so-called hookup apps, Craigslist is about more than just sex. Out of that vulnerable environment springs actual emotion. Something casual can lead to dating and even marriage. The basic premise of CL's “Casual Encounters” section and a hookup app is the same: “connect people who might not have met otherwise and facilitate real-life meetups for sex or dating.” In that sense, Craigslist is the ancient ancestor of every dating service we have today.

Now Craigslist is a fish in a much larger ocean. It's lost a significant portion of its audience, who have turned instead to the booming dating market and its enhanced technology. Image-centric profiles and geolocation tech make it easier than ever for users to quickly connect in person.

That being said, Craiglist has yet to lose its appeal. While other dating services become progressively less private, Craigslist retains its strong sense of anonymity. That's an invaluable commodity in a world that increasingly shows little regard for privacy.

For more information on the original hookup app take a look at our Craigslist review.

After a long stint off the dating scene, you're bound to feel a bit rusty. You're torn.

On one hand, you're itching to get your man about town status back. On the other, you're secretly scared you don't remember how any of it works.

Whether you're divorced, widowed, dumped, or embracing singlehood by choice, these tips will get you back in the online dating game.

1. It may take longer than anticipated. You're raring to go because online dating feels fresh and fun. Your date may not feel the same way. Online dating may take a back seat to her busy life, so relax and don't let your head get carried away with negative thoughts if she doesn't respond right away.
2. You may not actually speak before meeting. Back when you were courting, before your last relationship, it may have been customary to get to know each other over the phone. Those days are over. Phones are for everything but phone calls now. Between an online dating site's messaging function and texting, it's highly likely (and perfectly acceptable) that you won't speak until your face-to-face meeting.
3. She probably won't want you to pick her up. It's almost hard to believe that was once a thing. Now, no woman you meet online (unless she has complete disregard for her safety) will want you to meet her at home. Most online daters are trustworthy, but enough aren't that women have to take security seriously. You will most likely meet in a mutually agreed upon public place.
4. Don't bring a present. In a romantic age gone by, it was customary for a gentlemen to bring something for his lady friend – a bouquet of flowers, perhaps, or some other small token of affection. These days it will probably get you dumped before the date even starts. It's too much too soon (and may come off as creepy or sleazy).
5. Don't be surprised if she offers to go Dutch. Plenty of women offer to split the check with you after a date. What you do with that offer is up to you. Just don't make the mistake of thinking it's emasculating or means she thinks you aren't capable of paying. It's a positive – she's independent, capable of taking care of herself, and doesn't consider you a walking wallet.

Some things, on the other hand, never change. It's still polite to follow-up after a date (try a text instead of a call). If all went well, you'll have an open invite to plan the next one. If not... well... no means exactly the same thing now as it did years ago.

The great thing about online dating (well, one of many) is that it can connect people from almost anywhere in the world. The not-so-great thing is that, eventually, one of those people is bound to be someone you wish it wasn't.

A big city seems surprisingly small when swiping leads you to an ex, or a co-worker, or – squick – a sibling. As soon as that familiar face pops up on your screen, the buffer of anonymity you thought you had shrivels up and expires.

Once upon a time, part of the appeal of online dating was the privacy factor. It felt safe. Looking at photos and a profile kept you one step removed from the real human on the other side, making vulnerability easier and rejection less painful.

Now, with more and more people turning to dating sites and apps, you're increasingly likely to run into someone you recognize. Or worse, someone who recognizes you. Kiss that safety net goodbye.

Some dating services are taking steps to ease the awkwardness. Grindr allows users to set geographical constraints and block other users. On JSwipe, users can turn off the ability to be seen by or match with Facebook friends. On Tinder, a simple swipe left means that person will never appear on your feed again.

OkCupid has plans to take things a step further, with new features set to roll out in the upcoming months. One will allow a user to hide their profile from all users by default. It will only be seen by people they actively “Like” or send a message to. The other feature adds the option of connecting a Facebook account, so all Facebook friends are immediately blocked on OkCupid.

While some are fiercely protective of their privacy, others are taking the opposite stance. A handful of Tinder users told The Daily Beast they swipe right on familiar faces as a friendly hello or a way to reconnect platonically with old acquaintances. Some even admitted to using dating apps and sites to keep tabs on exes. Just imagine the trouble location-based apps could get you into under those circumstances.

If the question is “Is online dating – and social media in general – bringing an end to anonymity?” the answer has to be yes. But if the question is “Does it matter?” the answer becomes more complex.

There's no doubt safety is important. Certain info doesn't belong online because it puts you at risk. But beyond that, what's the issue? Insecurity? Vulnerability?

The world will be a better place when we don't feel insecure or ashamed about wanting a relationship, and seeing as vulnerability is key to any strong romantic foundation, perhaps it isn't something to be feared after all.