Online Dating

If you’ve ever dated online, you have probably encountered a match who wasn’t completely honest. Maybe he claimed to be 5-foot-ten in his profile, but when you showed up in heels for the date, he was definitely more like five-foot-five. Or perhaps the last girl you met posted a photo from a couple of years ago, when she was 20 pounds lighter.

Do you think your dates misrepresented themselves? Do they believe they were lying in their dating profiles, or simply “enhancing” how they see themselves?

Most people would agree that these types of “enhancements” are misleading. But when it comes to your own dating profile, do you hold yourself to the same ethical standard you apply to others, or do you shave a couple of years off your age or add a little more to your annual salary?

Lying in dating profiles is a slippery slope. While it’s true that people do filter according to certain preferences more than others – like height, age, and weight – does this mean you should fudge the numbers so that you are more likely to be included in someone’s search? If you do, then what happens when you meet in person and you have to explain yourself? Or after you’ve been on several dates with someone you’re really attracted to, and she starts making cultural references that you don’t relate to? Do you fall silent or pretend you know what she’s talking about?

It’s easy to get caught up in your deceit. The problem is, when you lie in your profile, it’s much more difficult to continue in a relationship that seems promising. You have started off on the wrong foot, and your date might be resentful that you lied (even if he did, too).

It might seem counter-intuitive to be called out on your lie when your date might have misrepresented himself, too. But it happens. This is where so much mistrust has built up in online dating. Everyone is so busy trying to “get past” the filters people put in place. But if you take this route, it works against you. Plus, it will make you distrust more online daters, and probably set your filters with even narrower focus. For instance, if you set an age range filter of matches between the ages of 25 and 40, but you meet a few 45 year-olds who fudged their ages, chances are you are going to set your filters to a more narrow focus of 25-35, assuming you will get guys who are actually 40 or younger.

Instead of trying to outsmart the filters on dating apps, or trying to widen your options by lying, try taking the honest route. See if your dates respond more positively to you. And see if you have a better, more comfortable time with them.

We could all use more honesty in online dating.

Swipe, swipe, swipe. It may seem like a small gesture, but too much of it is mentally and emotionally draining.

Sustained effort is the key to success in all areas of life, including love, but if dating has become a part-time job, it's time to step back and hit the cosmic refresh button.

When you feel online dating fatigue setting in, try these strategies for getting back on track.

Refresh your profile. Maybe all you need to get excited about dating again is a makeover. Not the kind you get at a Macy's counter – the kind you can do from your couch. Swapping out your profile pic makes a new first impression and gives you an instant lift in attention. And while you're at it, switch up the written part of your profile. There's bound to be something outdated that needs a delete.

Cultivate other interests. Remember when you enjoyed things that didn't involve staring at a screen? It's time to bring those back. Step away from the digital device and recharge with something fun, challenging, calming – whatever it takes to make you feel rejuvenated, like a mental spa day. This is the perfect time to indulge in an old passion or test out a new one.

Schedule vacation periods. There's a reason you have vacation days at work. You can only do the same thing for so long before it drives you insane. Pencil in online dating freeze days every so often and use them to recharge. Work out, read, take a class, go shopping, or just veg-out on the sofa. Do whatever makes you feel good during your dating downtime.

Slow down. How many dates did you go on last month? Can you remember the last time you had coffee alone? Can you remember what it's like to ride public transportation without obsessively swiping? Too much of any good thing is a bad thing, online dating included. If you find your emotional energy feels drained, give yourself the gift of some much-needed alone time.

Revise your mindset. Dating – online or off – is rarely smooth sailing. You'll burn out quickly if you don't acknowledge the reality that, yes, sometimes it will suck. Sometimes you'll be bored. Sometimes you'll be hurt. Sometimes it will feel hopeless. Stay positive, have a sense of humor about it, maintain a balanced perspective, and manage your expectations in a healthy way.

Date offline. If you're tired of dating online, just... don't. Join a club, attend a meetup, go to the park. Meet dates the old-fashioned way and call it charmingly retro. Do people still say “duh?”

Online dating fatigue: it sounds silly, but it's a real phenomenon. You can only spend so much time in cyberspace before your head starts to spin and arthritis sets in on your swiping hand.

When burnout begins, it's time to take a hiatus from the smartphone. Do yourself a favor and delete your dating app.

Yes, I said it. It may sound drastic, but it's the only way to be 100% sure you won't succumb to temptation and start swiping again.

How do you know it's time to take such a radical step? If any of these signs sound like you, your dating app belongs in the bin.

You're logging in out of habit, not out of interest.

It's hardly news that we're addicted to our devices. We check Facebook every 30 minutes and our email every hour. And our online dating apps? They're right there in the same boat, squeezed between Instagram and Vine. Dating should never be done on auto-pilot. When checking your app becomes a habit or an obsession, not something you're actually invested in, it's time to take a break.

You've resorted to stock messages.

The copy/pasted greeting is never a good look. Creating a great introduction isn't easy for everyone (or maybe anyone), but it's essential. If you're not taking communication seriously, you're not taking dating seriously. Go on a dating diet until you're ready to read profiles and put real thought into your messages.

You immediately look for what's wrong instead of what's right.

Being too picky can be just as bad as not being picky enough. If you're experiencing online dating burnout, chances are your subconscious will subtly sabotage your efforts. Instead of looking for the good in each potential date, you'll zero in immediately on the negatives. Your brain is looking for any excuse to avoid yet another tedious date.

You're desperate for a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Wait, isn't finding a relationship the point of online dating? How can wanting one be wrong? Well, it isn't. “Desperate” is the key word here. If you're too focused on that specific outcome, you're more likely to settle for someone who isn't right for you. A title should never be more important than actual compatibility.

You're on there for a reason that isn't dating.

Be honest. What are you really looking for? Do you respond to messages? Do you go on dates? If not, you're wasting your time and everyone else's. It's tempting to use dating apps for validation – who doesn't love be on the receiving end of a right swipe? – but it's unfair to users who are looking for real connections. And don't even get me started on the evils of catfishing.

Every online dater has been there: stuck in an endless exchange of messages. When the end finally comes, it almost always happens one of two ways.

Option one: you meet in person, realize you're not at all compatible, and are furious about how much time you wasted on pointless messages. Option two: you never even get to that point. Someone just ghosts and the conversation is over by default.

Rarely does it end with option three: you meet, click instantly, and ride off into the proverbial sunset together

A new dating app is hoping to spare you some of that trouble. Whim promises to cut to the chase and set up actual dates - with "no endless texting" and "no flakes or fakes."

The process is exactly as simple as it sounds. Users create profiles and then specify which days they're free to go on a date. The date can be any night of the current week or a recurring weekly evening. After that, users browse profiles and indicate who they are interested in meeting.

When two users express interest in each other, Whim automatically sets up a time and place for the date, based on your availability and preferences (a user who doesn't drink, for example, won't be sent to a bar). Users can message each other about logistics, but it isn't required.

OkCupid alum Eve Peters started the venture two years ago. She told TechCrunch that Whim “surveyed the users of online dating apps and found that matches resulted in dates less than 10 percent of the time.” In contrast, matches on Whim resulted in dates more than 90 percent of the time.

The idea has its perks. Whim requires only a small time investment, which is increasingly important to users. It also guarantees that, when someone matches with you, they're actually looking to go on a date. A right swipe is a meaningful action on Whim and users have to think more seriously before they do it.

The idea also has its downsides. Those who are concerned with safety may not take to Whim's insta-date premise. For them, messaging before a meeting is an important part of the getting-to-know-you process – a filter for creeps, weirdo's, and other undesirables.

To counteract those concerns, Whim's dates all take place in public places. Peters also says the service relies on “high human touch” to ensure safety. All profiles are read by Whim team members, and users are encouraged to give post-date feedback so anyone objectionable can be removed.

The service is currently free and available only in the San Francisco Bay Area. Peters said she plans to charge $10 a month and launch in a second city by the end of the year. You can download the iOS app here. An Android version is expected in 2016.

Ever wonder what dating is like in another part of the world? I'm going to assume the answer is yes, because I don't know a single person who doesn't have a weakness for a sexy foreign accent.

The problem is, dating could be a totally different experience in the land that sexy foreign accent comes from. You might think you're being cool while they think you look crazy – and unless crazy is their type, that isn't going to get you very far.

Coffee Meets Bagel has published the results of a new study on dating trends around the world, so you'll be a little less clueless during your next international love affair. CMB asked 7,441 users from around the globe about everything from their eligibility to how much they’re willing to pay on the first date. Here's what they found.

The easiest city in the world to date, if you're a man, is Hong Kong. Sydney comes in second place, followed by New York, London, Toronto, and San Francisco. If you're a woman, Sydney takes the top spot. The remainder of the top five, in order, is London, San Francisco, Toronto, New York, and Hong Kong.

It's no surprise to see New York high on the list for men. Single women outnumber men by 230,000 in NYC, according to CityLab.

Men are more likely than women to have sex on a first date, especially if they live in NYC. New York was crowed “the most adventurous city” for guys, with 66% of NYC-based male respondants saying they're up for first-date fun. At 36%, London ladies are the most likely to say yes to sex on a first date.

When it comes to eligibility, most daters don't consider themselves “extremely eligible.” San Francisco and Sydney scoreas the top spots on that front, but the numbers are low. Only 28% of SF women and 29% of Sydney men believe they're “extremely eligible.” Come on, people – where's the self-esteem?

Men in London are the most willing to drop big bucks on a first date. The gents of England's capital said they’d spend £20 to £40 on a first date. In USD, that's about $30 to $62 – not the fanciest meal of your life, but certainly not the worst. Not that any of us are immune to the charms of a Chipotle date, either.

Across the board, most daters are looking for relationships. Only 12% said they're in the market for casual hookups, while 70% said they want a relationship and 11% said they're searching for their future spouse.

And finally, no matter how much we try to deny it, looks do matter. Both men and women listed “physical attraction” as the #1 trait they look for in a match.

By now you've probably read – or at least heard about – Vanity Fair's recent takedown of online dating. The lengthy article is essentially an obituary for traditional courtship, which writer Nancy Jo Sales says is long gone thanks to online dating sites and mobile apps.

Tinder responded with a very public Twitter meltdown and tongues have been wagging about the state of modern dating ever since. Some agree with Sales, while others believe it's simply moral panic and anyone who hasn't jumped on the Tinder train is probably just too old to understand it.

The good news is, a growing body of scientific research is dedicated to online dating and the social change that comes along with it. The bad news is, even the scientists can't seem to agree with each other.

A 2012 study called “Searching for a Mate: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary” found no difference in relationship quality or strength between couples who met online and couples who met off. It also suggested that marriage and partnership rates may increase, as people with smaller pools of potential mates use dating services to cast wider nets.

Another 2012 study, headed up by Eli Finkel, concluded that most matching algorithms don't work. However, it also noted that “Online dating offers access to potential partners whom people would be unlikely to meet through other avenues, and this access yields new romantic possibilities.”

A 2013 study on marital satisfaction and breakups deemed online dating an unequivocally good thing. The research was sponsored by eHarmony, which rightfully has given some readers pause, but was reviewed by independent statisticians prior to publication.

A second study from 2013 examined sexual behavior and the “hookup culture” supposedly propagated by apps like Tinder. After examining a nationally representative sample of more than 1,800 18- to 25-year-olds, the study concluded that today's youth aren't substantially more promiscuous than previous generations. In fact, they may actually be having less sex than their predecessors.

Things got weird in 2014. Using the same data from 2012's “Searching for a Mate” study, a Ph.D. candidate at Michigan State came to the opposite conclusion about online dating and relationship quality. According to her findings, online daters are more likely to date than marry, more likely to break up faster, and more likely to break up more often.

How could two studies using the same statistics arrive at such different conclusions?

The answer is something we've always known: love is messy, contradictory, and confusing. Try quantifying that and you're bound to be disappointed.