Online Dating

If you're looking to join an online dating site, the first two weeks after Christmas are the best time to do it. At least according to Zoosk, the dating website which typically sees a 26% increase in sign-ups during that time. According to Match.com, the busiest time of year for dating is between Christmas and February 14th.

So once you sign up for an online dating site, how do you attract the attention of other members?

Because of the expected rush of new sign-ups, Zoosk also put together data combed from over 4,000 members of the site to see what kind of profiles and pictures get the most responses. Why not make the most of your online dating experience this New Year?

Here are a few facts Zoosk shared to help you get a little more attention and increase your response rate:

Use a full-body picture. While you might feel a little self-conscious, users who post full body photos (both for males and females) typically receive three times as many messages as the average dater, and 33% more responses to their messages. It's not about looking perfect - it's showing who you are and that you have nothing to hide.

It's not all about work. People who talk about their hobbies in their online dating profiles fare better than those who don't. Exercise is always a winner. If you mention jogging, running, lifting weights or yoga, you get 21% more messages. If you say book, read or write, you also get 21% more messages. And if you mention music, guitar, or singing? You'll notice a 15% increase in your messages.

Be positive. Using words like "alone" won't help you in your online dating quest - in fact, you'll see 24% fewer messages. However, if you use words like creative, ambitious, laugh or healthy, you'll see a definite boost of 33% more messages.

Don't include pets or friends in your photos. Online daters want to know who they are dating - and if you pose with others in the picture, it takes the focus off of you. Zoosk found that having more than one person in your photo resulted in 42% fewer messages. Not only that - including pets isn't such a great idea either, even if you are looking for a pet-friendly date. Zoosk found that those who posed with animals received a whopping 53% fewer messages.

Selfies are gender-biased. If you're a guy and you want to take a selfie in the bathroom mirror, think again. You'll receive 8% fewer messages with selfie photos than your female counterparts - who receive a 4% uptick in messages with their selfies.

Happy dating!

There are so many options when it comes to dating and meeting new people. There are hundreds of online dating sites, and even more mobile apps launching every month. Some traditional sites like Match.com and OkCupid cater to a wide range of relationship-seekers, and some are geared mostly towards hook-ups like Tinder. Niche dating sites are also on the rise, and the ones gaining the biggest followings are religious sites.

JDate and Christian Mingle are two of the most popular sites for those looking to meet singles outside of their own networks. JDate provides a way for Jewish people to meet others who share the same beliefs, customs and culture, and depending on preferences, potential dates can be "not observant" to "conservative" or "orthodox." Christian Mingle is likewise for those singles who identify as Christians, with many levels of observance.

While some daters might shy away from meeting people on a larger website like Match.com, or are afraid that online daters won't share the same values that they have, religious sites provide a great alternative. While it's true that many people joining online dating sites aren't looking for long-term relationships, those who join religious sites are generally more interested in marriage and commitment than the average online dater. It's a good opportunity for those who are serious about their search.

But how do you know if a religious site is for you, especially if you don't regularly attend church or temple? And how do you go about explaining your religious beliefs to someone who might not be on the same page as you?

As religious sites become more popular (about five million people have joined Christian Mingle in only the last five years), there are varying degrees of religious practices and beliefs. Many singles get something from religious dating sites that they can't get from other online dating sites - like deeply-held values when it comes to dating and forming relationships. Some singles who sign up for JDate might not be practicing Jews, but they do want to form a relationship with someone who shares the same cultural background and who want to raise kids in the same way. Similarly, Christian Mingle has members who might not attend church on a regular basis but consider their relationship with God an important part of their lives and want to meet those who feel the same.

Religious beliefs vary from person to person - it's unlikely you'll find someone who feels the same way you do on every issue. But if religion and spirituality are an important part of your life it's good to pursue others who feel the same way. When you join a religious dating site, you're meeting other people who share your values, which is a very important part of forming a strong, lasting relationship.

Online daters routinely choose matches based on criteria that are highly correlated with political preferences.

That sounds like a good thing, right? It seems only natural that we would gravitate to partners who share our political beliefs, and it stands to reason that relationships made up of partners with the same political leanings are more likely to last.

But social scientists fear that, where politics are concerned, our online dating habits are ultimately making us less tolerant citizens. A report in the journal Political Behavior suggests the increasing use of online dating and social media sites is preventing people from meeting potential partners who don't share their political preference, because it's easy to filter out potential partners with differing viewpoints. Once you move past the idea of improved compatibility, what you're left with is more couples that lean toward political extremism.

It doesn't stop there. Not only are such couples more likely to shift to the ideological extremes because they lack access to contradictory opinions, they are also more likely to have children who hold the same ideologically extreme positions. And what do you get when you put it all together? A more polarized America, where fewer and fewer people are able to understand how others could possibly think differently from themselves.

Now that's a scary thought. And possibly the plot to the next best-seller dystopian novel.

The importance of mixed political partnering cannot be understated. When political views in a relationship are mixed, the individuals involved tend to be moderated by their partners and less fixed in their ideas. One might even change their party identification in order to match the other's preferences, or because conversations with their partner have genuinely changed their beliefs. But even if no such change occurs, people tend to be far more tolerant of opposing views when they are exposed to divergent opinions from people they hold dear.

We all want to live in a world of more tolerance, don't we?

The report also notes that the demographic makeup of the people who are most likely to meet their partners online are upper income college graduates - a.k.a. the exact same people who are most likely to vote, contact their congressmen, and be members of the interest groups that influence Washington lawmaking.

What consequences will it mean for democracy, if online dating causes our political process to become even more divisive than it already is? And how can "opposites attract," if they're never given the chance to?

When we sign up for an online dating site, we’re tasked with the challenge of making ourselves appear unique. Of course, we are unique - every person is. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t very similar to someone else, or even lots of someones.

It makes sense; you grew up with the same pop culture influences as other people in your demographic. Maybe you grew up in the same area as well. You’re going to be inclined to make the same references and jokes and have similar taste in TV and movies. And when it comes to finding a match, that’s an asset - the ability to relate, to draw from common experiences. Still, it can be disconcerting when you want to stand out from the pack.

Remember that online dating isn’t a competition; ultimately you’re looking for someone compatible, not the largest number of responses or emails or first dates. So the other profiles aren’t your “competition” in the strictest sense of the word. Still, you don’t want to be completely generic, or worse, a cliche.

Thus, the key is to peruse the profiles of the “competition” before even settling down to write your own, on the site you choose to utilize. Even if a profile has worked for you in the past, or on another site, you might be shocked to find that your responses to these particular questions, on this particular site, are exactly the same as countless others.

For example, on one popular site, many people cite “air” or “oxygen” as something they “can’t live without.” It’s mildly cute and funny the first time you read it; it might signify a dry sense of humor, a wry way of looking at the world and dating in general. After the tenth time, though, it’s lost its charm. After a few dozen more, it’s essentially a space-waster, doing nothing to set the author apart and potentially making them appear lazy, unoriginal or cliche.

You don’t really have to make your profile unique; in fact, acknowledging you’re not a special snowflake might be healthier and more appealing in the long run. But taking the time to keep yourself from becoming a cliche is something that takes minimal energy and could help you avoid downright negative connotations. What might actually make you stand out from the pack is nothing more - or less - than a little homework.

Writing an online dating profile can be difficult, especially when it comes to self-esteem. You’re essentially convincing the reader why you’re a great person and a great catch; that can be a little difficult if you don’t always remember or believe that yourself. However, you can potentially help yourself (and maybe even your own search process) if you just think about your priorities a little differently.

Many people think about their own profile in the most superficial terms, and work inward from there. For example, first they’ll focus on getting the right default pic; then they’ll focus on their accomplishments, like their job or some hobby they’re proud of. Only after all that do they start to think of their “inner” self and how to communicate who they “really” are to others.

The problem with this is twofold. First, all the emphasis is on the superficial, and that’s where many start to feel self-conscious (their job isn’t good enough, they’re living with roommates, their hobbies aren’t exciting). When you’re not confident from the beginning, the writing process goes downhill from there.

Secondly, the writer is forgetting that the main goal of the profile is find someone with whom they connect. And by focusing on their inner self as an afterthought, the profile focuses on the wrong things. It’s great to share a common hobby, and it can be a great starting point, but it doesn’t tell you much about compatibility.

So, a better approach might be to start by thinking about what, emotionally, you’d bring to a relationship. Everyone brings something: nurturing and support? Calming, laid-back decisiveness? Good communication skills? A sense of humor that diffuses most tension?

Pretty much everyone has a strength of some sort, so once you’ve identified what yours is you’re already feeling more confident. And the thing is, there’s no “wrong” answer, especially if you’re being truthful. Different people connect in different ways, and play different roles in various relationships.

As you go about your own searches, it can be helpful to keep this same mindset. Yes, this person is talking about their job, but what are they really saying about themselves? Are you interested in this person because they’re attractive or because they seem kind - or has the latter actually influenced the former?

As usual, the only real way to determine compatibility is to meet in person. But viewing online profiles with a different perspective might just narrow the field of potential matches in a different - or even more efficient - way.

This conversation was observed recently: a man looked at his phone, then sighed loudly. “I can’t believe I haven’t gotten a response yet,” he complained to his companion. “I texted her ten minutes ago.”

“Maybe she’s in another room and hasn’t read it yet,” offered the companion.

The man scoffed. “What is this, the eighteenth century? But no, she’s read it, the phone tells me that it was seen. The question wasn’t that difficult. I can’t believe she’d just ignore me. She does this all the time, too. In fact, last time -” He cut off in mid-sentence as his phone chimed. “There!” he exclaimed. “She says she was in her car and couldn’t text while driving.” He and his companion were silent. Finally, the man spoke. “At least she had a good reason,” he said.

If you think the man was being bratty and boorish, you’re not alone. However, we’re all guilty of a little of that behavior, especially when it comes to waiting for responses to first-contact emails. When we send off a message - particularly to someone we’re interested in - it’s not uncommon to sit there, drumming our metaphorical (or literal) fingers, hoping we’ll get an answer immediately.

When we don’t get an immediate response, our thoughts would probably be embarrassing if we spoke them aloud. “Why haven’t I heard anything yet? It’s already the evening! Everyone’s off work now!” “It’s been several hours already!” We can get anxious, cranky, even angry before the sun has set. Children are often expected to have more self-control.

When that poor woman texted the man back with a perfectly legitimate excuse, I was actually disappointed - because she didn’t owe the man an explanation. When it comes to social matters, no one should be tied to their phone or email, forced to respond immediately. If the woman was busy knitting, watching a TV show or just didn’t feel like interacting with other humans, those reasons ought to be equally “good.”

So remember that when you’re waiting for a response to a dating query, particularly on sites that let you know if your message has been seen or the person has logged in. We have no idea about the life of the person we’ve contacted; we don’t know their schedule. Maybe they’re tired at the end of the day. Maybe they want to wait until they’re in a good mood before they respond. Maybe they want time to construct just the right response. Whatever the reason, it’s theirs and it’s legitimate; though we may be impatient, we have self-control and can surely wait without a childish meltdown.