Online Dating

I often hear complaints from both sexes about online dating. Guys think that they have the harder time, because they have to pursue. A lot. Most of them assume women get too many emails and therefore never respond.

Women on the other hand, feel that they have it tougher. They think the guys send sexually aggressive emails, hoping to just see who’s down to hook up rather than go on an actual date. Most of the other guys are either mass-emailing women, or they just don’t know what to talk about and don’t even bother to engage with women outside of the standard phrase: “how was your day?”

Together, it makes online dating tough for both sexes.

I don’t think it’s a competition for who has it worst. I think that there is a lot of room for improvement on both sides. Instead of spending more time complaining about the opposite sex and their online dating strategies, try thinking about what you do personally – what do you say in your profile? What is it that you are actually looking for? How are you coming across to strangers?

When you focus on what you can control in online dating – you and your profile – then you can begin to make some changes and see what works and what doesn’t instead of just complaining. Here are some suggestions if you’re having trouble thinking of what to say in a first email, or if you’re not having much luck:

Guys:

Read her profile. Chances are, if she’s online dating she’s left you a lot of valuable information about what she likes in her profile. Start from there – send an email specifically about something in her profile so she sees that you read it, that your email is a bit more personal. It makes a good impression.

Put some time into it. Don’t just mass-email 100 women because you think only 5% will respond. That’s because they know you’ve just sent a mass email! Instead, pick the women you find most attractive and send them a personal message. It’s not about writing a novel, it’s about being less generic in your approach.

Ladies:

Answer more emails. Instead of just writing guys off (unless they are being inappropriate), try responding to more emails. Agree to meet more guys for coffee. There’s nothing wrong with deciding later whether you want to pursue him or not. Don’t discount him until you get to know him.

Be polite. There’s no need to write a nasty response or let your emails go unanswered if you feel he’s not exactly right. It’s very easy to say a quick “thanks, but no thanks.” After all, he took the time to write. So if he’s polite, he deserves a little respect in return.

With all of the recent studies regarding the growing popularity and effectiveness of online dating (more than one in five married couples have met online), online dating sites are spending more money than ever to attract new users.

Among the top spenders are two of the most well-known sites: Match.com and eHarmony. In just the first five months of 2014, online dating sites have already matched the total category spending on national TV ads in 2013, according to data from research firm iSpot.

TV ads aren’t cheap, even though ratings have drastically dwindled the past few years thanks to on-demand services like Netflix and streaming video on YouTube. Still, Match.com spent over $71 million so far this year on TV ads, mostly to air during shows like Real Housewives on Bravo, and to capture more of the male population, ESPN and Comedy Central. eHarmony’s spending hasn’t been too shabby either. Through the end of May, they have spent over $59 million for ads aired on TNT, CNN, and TBS on shows like Anderson Cooper 360 and NBA Basketball games.

According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, of the online dating market’s 14 brands, the top five dating sites account for nearly 95% of the $214 million spent on ads so far in 2014. In comparison, dating sites spent $241 million on national TV ad placements for all of last year. TV ad spending for the industry last year was also heavier in the August-December period than in the first part of the year.

Unless you scroll through all the commercials on your DVR, you’ve probably seen at least one of Match.com’s 14 TV ads this year. They have created many different campaigns to attract users, and earlier this year, hired Perez Hilton and Patti Stanger to host a conference discussing the results of their “Singles in America” study about what singles are looking for today. The company spent $19 million on one 15-second spot called “Why not?” which featured female members, but their most popular has been its “Nikki and Joey; Kindergarten” spot, which starred a shy kindergarten teacher looking to get back into the dating world. That spot has aired more than 2,000 times since its Feb. 5th debut, and generated more than 40,000 online views and nearly 500 tweets, likes and shares.

eHarmony on the other hand, spent $18 million on one ad to share with audiences how many marriages have occurred through members who met over eHarmony (higher than any other dating site). But their most popular ad digitally was a spot that included the founder’s granddaughter, sharing how she advised her teacher to find “hot babes” on eHarmony instead of other dating sites. It had 6,000 online views and more than 1,200 social actions.

By the looks of things, Mark Zuckerberg is pretty much determined to take over the entire Internet.

Facebook has dabbled in just about everything, from email to a digital newspaper. There's been talk before of Facebook entering the online dating market, but a new update makes that possibility look closer than ever.

In some ways, Facebook has always inadvertently been a dating site. From the very beginning, it’s been a place to stalk exes, reconnect with old flames, bond with semi-strangers, and confess to crushes. Some thought that the introduction of Facebook's Graph Search heralded a new era of the social network as a barely disguised dating site, but the idea never really came to fruition. Now Facebook is taking things a step further, with a new button that allows users to ask people without a declared relationship status if they're single.

The “Ask” button appears next to the Relationship Status section of the Facebook profile. Clicking it brings up a dialogue box with text that reads “Let [your friend] know why you're asking for [his/her] relationship status.” If you receive such a request and choose to reply, you can opt to share your answer with all your friends or just the asker. Ask buttons had already been introduced for other aspects of the Facebook profile, like hometown and phone number.

"This feature provides an easy way for friends to ask you for information that's not already on your profile," Facebook spokeswoman MoMo Zhou told CNN. "For example, a friend could ask where you work or for your hometown. If you choose to answer, this information is then added to your profile. By default, only you and your friend can see it, and you also have the option of sharing it with others, too."

That explanation pointedly steers clear of mentioning dating, but there's no doubt Facebook has the potential to be a disruptive force in the online dating industry. Facebook made nearly $8 billion in 2013 revenue, a massive jump on the comparatively small $2 billion in revenue made by the online dating market. On top of that, Facebook already has a large global customer base and next to no need to spend money on customer acquisition. And then there's the fact that Facebook is free, which gives it an enormous advantage over the many online dating sites that charge for membership.

Facebook doesn't appear to be in a hurry to explicitly make the transition to online dating service, but that is likely working in its favor. Under-the-radar Facebook could subtly siphon business away from traditional dating sites, providing the exact same services without the stigma associated with online dating.

To find out more about the best way to use this social network as a dating tool you can read our Facebook review.

A recent article in Time Magazine focuses on the so-called “hook-up culture,” which has become a subject of much concern and debate. Particularly from older Americans who graduated from college a while ago. Now, the students and twenty-something are speaking out.

The writer of the Time article complained about the media coverage of a college professor in Boston named Kerry Cronin, who requires her students to go on a “real date” as part of their class credit. “No thanks,” the writer says in her article, “I’m here to inform that professor that we 20-somethings don’t need help, thank you very much.”

She goes on to reference statistics to disprove that hook-up culture is an epidemic, citing less than 15% of college students have more than two hook-ups per year. Also, “hooking up” means anything from sharing a kiss to having sex, so the lines are a little blurry as to how much people are engaging in risky behavior.

She also argues that it’s much more natural to socialize with people and get to know them in groups and at parties where it feels more organic, rather than over coffee and forced conversation. While she makes good points, she also admits that it is easier for her generation to hide behind a screen, especially when it comes to being rejected. Text is the preferred method of interacting, rather than asking someone out face-to-face as Professor Cronin argues they should.

Her points are valid, but there is definitely room for improvement. While college students (at least in the past couple of generations) have engaged in a higher level of casual sex and hook-ups than at other times in their lives, there does seem to be a shift in college students’ thinking today. Because they are attached to their smartphones, pulling them out at parties or in dorm rooms instead of engaging with the people sitting next to them, they aren’t really learning how to be alone together, to engage in conversation without distraction. This doesn’t help them learn to communicate better in relationships.

Also, there is the drinking that goes on at college. Much of the hooking up takes place after indulging at parties, which means people aren’t making the best decisions when it comes to their bodies.

But does all this mean they aren’t prepared for dating?

I think that college provides a good backdrop for learning how to interact and flirt. There are plenty of single, available people who you have something in common with – which likely you wouldn’t encounter again. So why not experiment with dating in a group setting, among your friends?

All of the formal asking out will happen once they graduate. And even then, hook-up culture exists in even more removed ways – through dating apps like Tinder. Dating is still part of growing up, no matter how you try to avoid the particulars.

San Diego-based dating service It’s Just Lunch has been ordered by a U.S. judge in New York to face a class-action lawsuit filed by some of its former clients.

The plaintiffs in the case are arguing that the company fraudulently misled them about their services, charging $1,000 per year for services that they did not deliver. This includes falsely promising clients (many affluent and highly educated women) that its staff would “hand select” appropriate matches for dates.

Judge Sidney Stein of the U.S. Court in New York wrote this of the lawsuit: "In short, virtually all evidence in the record indicates that during the period at issue, IJL staff relied on a uniform script to inform prospective customers during initial interviews that IJL already had at least two matches in mind for those customers' first dates regardless of whether or not that was true.”

While their argument got approved to go to trial in New York, the judge did refuse to certify a nationwide class-action lawsuit, citing that there were too many differences in the laws of individual states in regard to this particular case.

While the plaintiffs consider this a victory, It’s Just Lunch has yet to respond to the charges.

According to Courthouse News Service, It's Just Lunch sales staffers have an "info-call script" during their training at "First Date University" to guide them through calls with potential customers, the complaint alleges. They were not allowed to deviate from the script, according to President Melissa Brown’s admission to the court. At the heart of the issue for the judge is the part of the script says, “Ok, so far I have 3-4 ideas for your first date,” meaning matches that would be suitable for the client, even if the call center employee didn’t have any matches at the time.

IJL offers an initial client interview, the selection of a potential partner based on a client's desires, goals and motivations; and the arranging of lunch at a restaurant, or alternatively an after-work drink or a weekend brunch.

It’s Just Lunch proclaims itself to be “the world’s #1 personalized matchmaking service” on its website.

“You’ll find It’s Just Lunch is very different from online dating,” the website states. “Our professional matchmakers are genuinely interested in understanding you and finding out what kind of person you are looking for. Our process works and we have proved it over and over again. With over 20 years, 2 million dates and thousands of dating success stories to show for it, we can honestly say we have the experience required to improve your chances for dating success.”

If more ex clients join this class-action lawsuit, IJL might have to reconsider their marketing along with their business decisions.

The dating service Coffee Meets Bagel was built on three simple principles:

1. Your friends are the best conduits for your dates.
2. Meeting quality people doesn't have to be complicated or awkward.
3. Unless you choose to share it, your dating life should be private.

Instead of offering the overwhelming number of potential matches that most dating services do, Coffee Meets Bagel sets itself apart by highlighting only one person each day. You can either "like" or "ignore" the profile, and if both parties indicate interest in each other, they're directed to a private phone line (courtesy of Twilio) where they can text message for a seven-day period. If all goes well and they choose to meet up in person, CMB offers a discount at a local restaurant or café.

The idea is a solid one, but Coffee Meets Bagel has not yet managed to achieve the mass appeal of its biggest competitor in the mobile dating sphere: Tinder. Still, CMB has received $2.8 million in funding and recently launched its largest app update yet.

The big news in CMB-land is a new IM system within the Coffee Meets Bagel app. Like before, the IM feature has a seven-day expiration date, but now users can chat immediately without having to switch back and forth between apps.

Instant messaging is hardly a revelation in the world of online dating – in fact, it's downright standard – but CMB has found a somewhat unique approach to implementing it. With in-app messaging, Coffee Meets Bagel now has far more control over its users’ experiences, and many more opportunities to learn about their users by studying behavior data.

CMB is a “quality over quantity” dating experience. The focus is on making meaningful connections between users, not on connecting as many users as possible. On top of that, users are never introduced to random strangers, but rather to Facebook friends of friends. The company has found that members who exchange text messages within the first 24 hours are more likely to exchange their real phone numbers later on. They also, on average, chat at 2.6x the volume of those who didn't swap texts within the first day.

That unique approach to mobile dating, plus the new IM system, may be what Coffee Meets Bagel needs to take things to the next level. But founder Dawoon Kang says that stigma is still the greatest challenge faced by dating services:

“What we observe is that a lot of people hesitate because they don’t want to feel like they are ‘actively’ trying to meet someone. Making people understand that a dating app is just another channel of meeting someone has been a challenge.”