Online Dating

Next time you think “I would never be stupid enough to fall for an online dating scam,” think again. According to an FBI report, Americans lost over $85 million through online dating and romance frauds last year.

It seems like common sense not to give money to a stranger you met online, but that $85 million tells a different story. The FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) had a busy year in 2014 and o ne budding crime trend stood out: the increased use of social media to perpetrate frauds.

“Over the last decade, the growth and popularity of social media has increased,” says the FBI report. “Social media has revolutionized the way people interact with others and has become an integral part of life for people of all ages. Criminals have exploited social media by phishing for unwary users to fall victim to their scams.”

IC3 complaint data shows 12% of the complaints submitted in 2014 contained a social media aspect, including online dating scams. Women over 40 were the worst-hit demographic, with total losses of $68,529,135. Men over 40 followed, with losses of $13,766,588, then men and women 39 and under, at $4,417,280.

The amount lost to romance scams averaged out to a whopping $14,000 per complaint.

In one particularly common scheme, scammers assume the identities of military personnel and pretending to seek relationships online. Once they've made a digital connection with someone who falsely believes them to be trustworthy, the criminals present convincing scenarios involving family tragedies, severe life circumstances, and other hardships in attempt to solicit money.

In most cases, scammers exploit their victims' personal information using compromised accounts or social engineering. The FBI offers the following advice to online daters:

• Be wary of individuals who claim the romance was destiny or fate, and you are meant to be together.
• Be cautious if an individual says they are in love with you and cannot live without you, but need you to send money so they can visit you. If you do not send money or otherwise try to help, they will claim you do not love them.
• Fraudsters typically claim to be from the United States (or your local region), but are currently overseas, or going overseas, for business or family matters.

If you see any of these signs, especially if you see more than one happening concurrently, beware. You could soon be contributing to that $85 million dollars.

A recent article in Marie Claire surveyed single men across the U.S. to ask them about the online dating profiles they come across, and what they felt women lied about most when writing their online dating profiles.

The number one thing guys think women lie about is their looks – whether it’s their weight, “athleticism,” height, or even whether or not they've posted an old picture from five years ago. Enough women have used tricks to make themselves look more “attractive” – from using old photos to Photoshopping their features to avoiding posting full-body pictures – so that men are automatically suspicious of how they portray themselves physically, and what they might be hiding. So ladies, no more cover-ups. Include recent photos, and a body shot as well as headshots. Since there are also studies on the wide range of taste men have, you should show off your “flaws” - likely, it means more dates.

Men also believe women lie about their age. Let’s face it – I think this happens for both genders, especially for men who want to date much younger women. There is an age bias in online dating, which contributes to this phenomenon, but perhaps we should all do a reality check. Do you really want to admit you lied about something so fundamental when you meet in person, especially if you really like the guy? It pays to come clean from the start, so trust won’t be an issue.

Men are also weary of women who post that they love their independence – and include lots of photos with their girlfriends as proof. If you describe yourself as "not clingy," the first thing a man will wonder is – how clingy will she be? Instead of saying this in your profile, talk about the trips you’ve taken or the things you like to do. There’s no need to prove your independence if you have it.

Perhaps thanks to the movie/ book “Gone Girl,” men also get suspicious of any woman who describes herself as “laid-back.” They immediately wonder if she’s very sensitive or highly reactive. Same thing with women who describe themselves as successful – if they have to say it, are they really? (Plus, men tend to lie about their own success.) Again, it’s best to avoid defending yourself to someone who has never met you.

The last and most important thing to note is that men don’t believe it when women say they want a “casual” relationship. When they take this statement at face value, often times, the women end up wanting more, so they avoid women who write this altogether. The important thing to remember is – be honest. If you want a relationship, you shouldn’t be afraid to admit it. In fact, it will help you weed out the ones who don’t – because you won’t succeed in changing them.

I hear a lot of feedback from people when I tell them I write about dating. It's a hot-button issue for many, and most of the time, they can’t wait to share with me all of their dating horror stories and the confusing messages they receive. In fact, this was the reason I wrote my book, Date Expectations.

But mostly, after the stories are told, they still want to know how to meet a great guy/ woman. Then, they want to know why it’s impossible to meet anyone decent on Tinder when practically everyone is on it. Then the last thing they want to know is: why should they even try online dating?

I admit, online dating is hard. Regular dating is hard. Thinking of the perfect message to send someone you’re interested in is daunting. So why even bother going up to a complete stranger and trying to start a conversation when it’s even more intimidating and stressful, and you can’t delete your line and start over again?

But I think most people have misconceptions about online dating. Looking for love is not like going to Amazon, reading the reviews, and ordering the jacket you want in just the right size or color. Dating is dealing with human beings – none of them perfect, all with some type of baggage or issues – but many people refuse to let go of their fantasies about the “perfect” partner, and think their made-to-order person is out there waiting to be found.

Before you protest and say you have an open mind, you've dated a lot of different people and none were right, let’s investigate. Think about the times you’ve scrolled through profiles on Tinder. What made you reject someone? Was he too short? Did she wear too much make-up? Did he have a job you didn’t like? Did she seem too fat? Typically, when we find something “wrong” with someone, we tend to ignore the other great qualities and dismiss without even some consideration. We think it’s because we don’t want to waste time. But really – when you date the people who have all the characteristics you like, chances are they still aren't quite "The One;" there are still flaws.

The truth is, romantic relationships require patience. Sure, you can have instant chemistry with someone (which helps the process along), but if you don’t have the same relationship goals, or you find out later you don't have much in common, or that he’s really a jerk, you are left angry and confused.

On the other hand, if you meet someone you like but aren’t sure about, chances are you move on to the next without letting the relationship unfold. We are in such a rush to get to the “end” – the relationship with the perfect partner – that we could totally miss someone who could be that, because we are derailed by what we think we want – good job, height, etc. – and not by what we actually want – someone who listens and understands who we are.

This takes time. This takes effort. I encourage all of you to date at a slower pace, and get to know each person. Love unfolds in front of you, sometimes when you least expect it - and more often, with the person you never would have expected.

Digital dating services have helped millions of people worldwide find love, but critics say they've also increased public health risk. The use of dating sites and apps continues to rise, causing some to believe STIs are on the rise as a result.

Rhode Island health officials recently reported that the state has seen an uptick in a number of STIs over the last year. Between 2013 and 2014, the number of RI citizens diagnosed with syphilis increased by 79%. The numbers of newly diagnosed HIV patients and cases of gonorrhea also increased, by 33% and 30%, respectively.

Rhode Island’s health department says the increase in diagnoses is due in part to better and more frequent access to STI screening, but also believes dating services are at fault for allowing users to easily “arrange casual and often anonymous sexual encounters.”

This is not the first time dating services have been accused of fueling rising STI rates, but others believe the accusations are unwarranted.

In a study published in 2007 in the journal AIDS Care, Dr. Brian Mustanski, a professor of medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, concluded that those already prone to high-risk sex use dating services to meet partners, not that meeting partners online causes high-risk sex.

Still, a number of dating apps have taken steps to address the issue. Gay dating app Hornet, for example, prompts users to update their HIV status every three months. Scruff, another app for gay men, gives free and geographically targeted banner ads to local non-profits that work with the LGBT community, some of which address sexual health. There are also niche dating services that cater to users who know their STI status.

David Semerad, the CEO of STRV, a mobile and digital agency that has helped develop a number of dating apps, told Newsweek “There's so much power in the hand of these apps. If a dating app is a big part of your life, it has a huge impact on your decisions. You need to make it cool to be healthy and get tested often.”

Mustanski also believes dating companies should support larger public health efforts, though he doesn't see a direct correlation between online dating and risky sexual behavior. He says research shows people are most likely to take positive actions regarding their health when they're pointed directly to a place for help, like a dating app offering GPS directions to the nearest clinic for STI screening.

Weigh in: should dating services help promote safer sex?

Aziz Ansari already has a reputation as an actor, stand-up comic, and fashionable gentleman. Now, as author of a new book called Modern Romance, he's looking to add “dating guru” to that list.

The book is a humorous collection of essays and observations that chronicle the challenges of looking for love in the age of Tinder. Ansari is no stranger to the subject. He's talked extensively in his stand-up about the ways technology — smartphones, texting, social media, online dating, and more — affects today’s dating landscape. But this time, he's coming at it from a different angle.

Modern Romance was written with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, who provides a welcome dose of serious insight to balance Ansari's humor. Together they conducted a research project that took over a year to complete and involved hundreds of interviews.

“We talked to old people, married people, young people, single people, everybody,” Ansari tweeted. “We also enlisted some of the best social scientists to help us understand and study all the facets of modern love and romance.”

The results are both funny and fascinating. Texting, in particular, was a popular subject. Modern Romance highlights several bad texting habits plaguing 21^st century daters:

• Ambiguity. Are you “hanging out” or going on a date? “The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end,” Ansari writes. “Since it’s usually the guys initiating,” he adds, “this is a clear area where men can step it up.” Guys, time to step it up and get straightforward.
• Endless nonsense. “I can’t tell you how many girls I met who were clearly interested in a guy who, instead of asking them out, just kept sucking them into more mundane banter,” writes Ansari. Let that be a lesson to you: skip the boring back-and-forths about laundry and grocery shopping. Get to the good stuff: are you meeting up, when, and where?
• “Hey.”If that's all you have to say in a text message, it's better left unsent. Especially if it has multiple Ys. Although Ansari admits to sending plenty of his own “hey” texts, he cautions that “generic messages come off as super dull and lazy” and “make the recipient feel like she’s not very special or important to you.”

Thankfully, it's not all bad. “We also found some really good texts that gave me hope for the modern man,” Ansari says. A good text, he explains, involves any or all of these:

• An invitation to something specific at a specific time
• A callback to a previous interaction with the person
• A humorous tone

Pre-order a copy of the book here and start channeling your inner Aziz.

Tinder is looking to make a new kind of match: the kind between advertisers and consumers.

Since Tinder's launch in 2012, it has remained a largely ad-free space. Users had plenty to love about that approach, but the model was less successful for a company in need of revenue. To fix the earnings issue, Tinder is joining the trend of dating services offering purchasable ad space.

It's an expected move for Tinder, but a big one nonetheless, and it's uncertain how users will respond. On one hand, an ad-free user experience is preferable because it is seamless and free of annoyance.

On the other hand, users are hardly ignorant to the business side of the services they use. Most understand that a company like Tinder needs money in order to continue, and that selling ad space is an effective way to generate revenue. If advertising allows the app to remain free to download, it’s a reasonable concession for a customer to make.

The question becomes “How will Tinder introduce advertisements in order to minimize backlash?” The app's interface is not conducive to unobtrusive advertising. Facebook Newsfeed ads are easy to scroll past and therefore minimally disruptive, but Tinder doesn't have that option.

An advertisement slipped directly into a user's personal profile would compromise their ability to present themselves accurately on the app. Instead, Tinder will have to create ads that mimic profiles – they'll take up the entire screen, and users will swipe into and out of them. The challenge for brands will be to take advantage of this, by creating thematically relevant advertising content.

Another eye-catching strategy means using video (again with thematic relevance to users). Video could be considered unnecessarily disruptive, so brands will have to tread carefully. Knowing both their own demographic and Tinder's demographic – and making sure they align – will be key. Video ads are a riskier move for Tinder as well, as users may find them too irritating.

How users respond to these kinds of ads remains to be seen, but the experiment is an intriguing one. It’s clear that both Tinder and the advertisers are venturing into largely unexplored territory. OkCupid has seen brands successfully create thematically relevant ad content on its site, while companies like Match and Meet Me have had ads included in their applications for years, but it is still a relatively new practice.

Tinder's audience of tech-savvy millennials may also present a unique set of challenges. It will be interesting to see which strategies prove most effective for that highly sought after market.