Online Dating

Every week, someone's in the news with a cautionary tale of online love gone wrong. Online dating critics are quick to point out the threat of scammers, but how big is the risk really?

Apparently a lot bigger if you live in China. A new study of the largest online dating site in China discovered hundreds of thousands of con artists, and their scams are far more intricate than simply lying about their age or adding an inch to their height.

The study, “Quit Playing Games With My Heart: Understanding Online Dating Scams”, is a collaboration between University College London and Jiayuan. Together they analyzed more than 500,000 profiles, drawn from Jiayuan’s 100 million users, which had been flagged as scam accounts.

The most popular scam – fake profiles promoting escort services – will be familiar to users of any dating service in any country. What's really interesting are the more intricate, culturally specific cons.

Take “the flower basket.” In this scam, lonely middle-aged women are targeted by “attracive mid-age men” who contact them and develop an entirely digital romantic relationship. Once a solid connection has been established, the man will imply that he wants to get married, but that his parents require a gesture of goodwill.

He'll then explain that the gesture is an expensive flower basket that can cost as much as $20,000. The man will refer his target to a florist he has teamed up with, who gives him a cut of the money after the purchase is made.

In another surprisingly ingenious scam, a female fraudster is hired by the owner of an expensive restaurant. She joins a dating site and asks a target to take her to the restaurant she's affiliated with. She'll run up an enormous tab (anywhere from $100 to $2,000) during the date, then disappear, never to be heard from again.

“The success rate of this type of scam is much higher [than traditional online scams],” write the researchers, “because the scammer leverages the desire of the victim to meet an attractive woman. In addition, it is likely that the victim will never realise that he has been scammed, since the date really happened, and the victim possibly had a good time.”

It’s also, according to the study, not strictly illegal, so the con artists involved don’t put themselves at much of a risk. That's some seriously next-level scamming.

Just be glad these shakedowns haven't made their way abroad yet. Or have they? Be on the lookout for pricey flower arrangements.

Who is your go-to for dating advice? Your best friend? A parent? A stand-up comedian?

The last one may not be the first thing that comes to mind, but Aziz Ansari is out to change that. Together with Eric Klinenberg, a professor of sociology at New York University, he has penned a new book called Modern Romance. In a recent article for The New York Times, the duo shares a few insights gleaned from two years of research for the book.

“Online dating generates a spectrum of reactions,” they write, from exhilaration to fatigue to fury. The question is, “Is there a way to do it more effectively, with less stress?” After two years of study, Ansari and Klinenberg believe the answer is yes. They offer the following tips for singles looking to make online dating work better.

Don't rely too much on algorithms. You can filter to your heart's content, but at the end of the day, “we are horrible at knowing what we want.” Think of online dating as a vehicle for meeting people, rather than a method for finding the love of your life. An online dating site can only predict so much. Introductions are guaranteed, but only by meeting in person can you decide if you have long-term potential as a couple.

Your picture matters (probably too much). OkCupid launched an app called Crazy Blind Date that offered users only a blurred photo and minimal info. After going on the date, users were asked to rate their satisfaction with the experience. On OkCupid's regular site, women who were rated highly attractive were unlikey to respond to men who were rated less attractive. But when they were matched using Crazy Blind Date, they had a good time.

What does that mean? According to Christian Rudder, an OkCupid co-founder, “people appear to be heavily preselecting online for something that, once they sit down in person, doesn’t seem important to them.” Next time you look at a photo that doesn't seem quite up to snuff, remember that the person behind it could be exactly the date you're looking for.

Swipe apps don't deserve the stigma. You've heard critics complain that swipe apps like Tinder are too superficial, but Ansari and Klinenberg call that cynical. “When you walk into a bar or party,” they write, “often all you have to go by is faces, and that’s what you use to decide if you are going to gather the courage to talk to them. Isn’t a swipe app just a huge party full of faces?”

For more insight into modern romance, read the original article and, as Tim Gunn says, “Make it work.”

What's the best way to score a date online? Be someone worth dating.

Easier said than done, right? It feels unnatural and uncomfortable to write out all your most positive traits. If you have any insecurities (and who doesn't?) they're likely to come out in your profile. And once you've laid it all out there, you're intensely vulnerable.

Think about it another way. You're trying to date someone, which means you think there's a reason for someone to date you. You believe you have something valuable to offer a potential partner, so highlight it.

That doesn't mean bragging, but it does mean filling your profile with things that make you unique and interesting. Talk about what you like, what you love, and what you want. If you’re at a loss, here are some key areas to cover:

• Your hobbies. Your hobbies and interests are an easy place to start. What really sets you apart? “Spending time with friends” or “watching Netflix” isn't it. The fact that you build robots in your spare time, however, is. Not only does this give potential dates a clearer picture of who you are, it also offers them an easy way to start a conversation.
• What you're doing with your life. You don't want your profile to read like a resume, but it's ok to spend some time on your career and ambitions. Sharing where you're currently at in your life and where you plan to go – whether you want Hollywood superstardom or a quiet life on a dairy farm – helps attract partners who are actually compatible.
• Your personality. It sounds obvious, but it's important to include personality traits so potential dates have an idea of what they're working with. If you're the outdoorsy type and your date doesn't even like going to the park, it's better for both of you to keep looking. Get creative about how you express your personality. A list of attributes is boring. Show who you are instead of telling.
• What you're looking for. Most of your profile is about you, but some of it should be about the person you're hoping to meet. We're not talking about a 20-page list of deal breakers, but if you have certain requirements, it's a-ok to mention them. “Tall, dark, and handsome” doesn't count, but “I have kids and need a partner who's comfortable that” definitely does.

Remember, the most important thing is to put your best foot forward. Use positive language, avoid untruths, talk more about what you're like than what you want, and don't put yourself down – ever. Give your visitors something to get excited about.

When you’re online dating, it’s hard to not take rejection personally. After all, your matches rejected you romantically! It doesn’t get more personal than that, right?

Wrong. Online dating is to some extent, a numbers game. That is, anyone who is online dating is bound to get rejected because of the sheer number of people doing it, whether your match swiped left on Tinder or wrote a heart-felt rejection message over eHarmony. Not every love connection is going to work out. In fact, most of them don’t.

Instead of taking it personally when you get rejected online, following are a few things to understand and help you gain perspective – so take heart:

It’s not personal.

Rejection happens to everyone. If you’ve been online dating long enough, it can get downright discouraging. But this doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It just means that there are a lot of options out there, and some people aren’t willing to take the time to get to know the real you, and that’s okay. Some people will choose to get to know you, too. Like everything in life that’s rewarding, online dating requires a bit of patience and perseverance.

What would you have done differently?

Online dating gives us a unique opportunity to see and evaluate our own behavior apart from our familiar circles of friends and family. Dates are subjective, but they react to how you present yourself. Were you in a bad mood on the date? Are you harboring judgment or anger? These things can come across to your date, so pay attention to what is going on inside of you, as well as your date.

You’ve rejected people, too.

Think back to those people whose messages you ignored, those profiles you swiped left on. Chances are, you have done your share of rejecting, too. Was it personal? I’d bet in most cases, it wasn’t personal at all – just a preference. So don’t take it so personally when an online date rejects you.

Your date might have met someone else.

A lot can happen in one night. If your date was chatting with someone else and decided to pursue her, that’s a choice – it’s not a reflection on you. Or, your date might have gotten back together with an ex. You never know what might have happened to someone else or what they have going on in their lives, so don’t drive yourself crazy with analyzing every text or date. Just let it go, and know that someone else is out there.

There are still more people to meet.

As I just mentioned, online dating presents all kinds of new options, at any time you want. If you want to feel better after a rejection, spice up your profile, reach out to some new people, and see what happens. Online dating can get you down, but it can also be an ego boost.

Everyone you know is talking about online dating. Most of them have tried it. You've thought about joining a site or downloading the latest app, but you're not quite convinced digital dating is for you.

Justin McLeod, CEO of Hinge, has something to say to you. A few somethings, in fact. He recently wrote a piece for Business Today on the benefits of online dating. If you've considered logging on for love but haven't taken the plunge yet, here's why you should.

1. It's easy to get started. There's no excuse for not signing up when signing up is so easy. Socially-driven apps, like Hinge and Tinder, don't ask you to fill out a lengthy profile or answer an SAT exam-worthy series of questions. Instead they link directly to your Facebook account, automatically populating your dating profile with info from the social network. “This way,” McLeod writes, “interested people get to check out a bite-sized version of your personality without writing you off as not their type.
2. Quality trumps quantity. Online dating offers a curated selection of potential dates, designed with your compatibility in mind. “Instead of having to wade through a sea of random profiles until you get lucky and find that elusive perfect someone,” says McLeod, “it can bring what you want to see.” And while a dating service is showing you people you're likely to be interested in, it's also filtering out the bad matches. The algorithms don't get it right every time, but it's still a perk that doesn't come with real-life romance.
3. Conversation starters come standard. Say you meet someone on the street, or during your commute home from work. Starting a conversation can be difficult, not to mention intimidating, when you know nothing about each other. But online, where you have access to a profile and photos from a person's life, you have built-in subjects to spark a conversation. Find something that intrigues you and inquire about it.
4. You're in control. No more waiting around for someone to approach you. No worries that a complex schedule will prevent you from meeting new people. No relying on a friend to arrange a blind date they promised to set up, and keep forgetting. Online dating lets you search for and communicate with potential dates any time, anywhere, with no reliance on third parties. “Moreover,” McLeod adds, “responses are generally quicker and easier to follow up on online.”

What are you waiting for? No more excuses.

Online dating sites have long wrestled with replicating the experience of dating in real life.

Offline, the love of your life may find you at any moment. You could be standing in the produce section of the grocery store, wondering how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe, when suddenly an attractive stranger appears to help you pick. It's all about serendipity.

Online, dating feels calculated. You'll never randomly bump into The One. But if U.K.-based Tab has anything to say about it, serendipitous meetings could soon be a part of your digital dating life.

Tab isn't a dating website. It's not a trendy new mobile app. In fact, it's a browser extension for Chrome. Every time a user opens a new tab, they're shown a potential match. If they're not intrigued by what they see, they simply carry on with business as usual. If they do feel a spark, they click a heart button. Mutual “hearts” are connected.

"Imagine you could bump into the love of your life on any corner of the Internet, just like in real life," Shib Hussain, one of Tab's co-founders, told Fast Company. "It was a light bulb moment. We were discussing how online dating is actually pretty time consuming, regardless of what platform."

“You have to actively look for people, switching from ‘not looking’ to ‘I am looking.’ And this isn’t how it is in real life," he said. "You just bump into people and it just happens."

Tab works its magic based on the profile users fill out during sign-up. The fledgling company is also testing out a more intriguing concept: matching people based on the types of sites they visit. It sounds ripe for a debate about online privacy, but the idea is interesting nonetheless.

Productivity gurus may also find fault with the extension. Tab is aimed at users over 25 who are trying to find a healthy work-life balance, but it may be hard to focus on the work part if life interrupts every time you open a new tab.

Hussain says Tab is trying to combat that issue with a simple, clean aesthetic. The design is intended to give users information quickly, with minimal annoyance or distraction, so they can get back to their busy days (and all the other tabs they have open).

So far Tab has launched in beta in the UK, and hopes to go live in the US later this year. A mobile version could also be on its way in the future.