Relationships

For many of us, the dating scene is merely a means to an end. Yes, dating can be fun, but the real end goal is to stop dating - because we’ve found someone with whom we can create a stable, long-term relationship. The shorthand way to refer to this sort of person is often our “match.” Or, as many refer to it, our “perfect match.” It’s just a phrase, one frequently heard and said without much conscious thought. But insidiously, it can alter how we view our prospective matches.

You see, there is no such thing as a perfect match, because there’s no such thing as a perfect person. Most of us realize this, of course, and then we tend to modify it to “the perfect match for me.” And again, most of us might mean simply a good fit, someone with whom we can be happy for years on end.

But again, there is no such thing as a perfect match for any one person. Chances are, there will be something about your partner that’s bound to drive you crazy. Even if it settles into an affectionate quirk in your relationship, something along the lines of, “That man hasn’t put his socks in the hamper in twenty years!” that doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t actually prefer it if the socks wound up in the hamper for once.

Does this mean you can’t be happy? Absolutely not. Many relationships last decades, with two people happily growing and occasionally chafing together. They wouldn’t rather be with anyone else. But it’s not because they’re so perfect for each other; it’s because they chose one another. And in a way, that’s even more romantic; the conscious decision to stick together, eyes open, knowing full well that things won’t always be perfect, but that you’ll work through it together - that’s even better than finding a “perfect match.”

So as you read profiles, send emails and go on dates, ask yourself: are you subconsciously trying to find someone perfect? Are you placing unreasonable expectations on your potential matches? And are you prepared to recognize a great, imperfect match when you come across one?

I'm a big fan of online dating, but I like to advise people to keep their options open because you never know where you might meet the love of your life - at a friend's party, at the grocery store, on Match.com, or at the bar across the street from work. There are many opportunities we don't take every day, so now is the time to let go of the endless list of chores that need to get done in favor of a little spontaneity.

What I mean by spontaneity is - instead of going to the grocery store or going home after work to do laundry, why not try going solo to a bar in your neighborhood? If you're more comfortable bringing a friend, be my guest, but don't let that stop you from getting out there and letting go of some of your fears. It's important in life, and especially in dating, to try things outside of our comfort zones every so often. And that means striking up a conversation with someone sitting next to you at the bar, or saying hello to the woman in line behind you at the coffee shop. A few extra risks in life may be worth it.

Following are some tips to help you strike up that first conversation at a bar:

Sit next to someone. Don't hide away in the far corner at the end of the bar to avoid looking like you're alone - instead, put yourself in the center of the action. It's much easier to talk to people when they are closer to you.

Talk to the bartender. I've rarely met an unfriendly bartender, especially when I'm flying solo. Be friendly and introduce yourself, and strike up a conversation if it's not too busy. They can help you warm up to talking to the guys sitting next to you. (And sometimes you might get a free appetizer or drink...shhh.)

Put the phone down. I know it's easier to have your phone in your hand when you're by yourself. But don't expect anyone to start talking to you - would you approach someone who was wrapped up in an email or text? It closes you off to the people around you, so don't rely on your phone to make you feel less alone. Be ok with putting it down for a while, and pay more attention to what is going on around you, where the opportunities really exist.

Make eye contact. If someone catches your eye at the other end of the bar, don't look away. Make eye contact and smile back. There's nothing wrong with being friendly or approachable, even if you're not initially attracted.

Putting yourself out there means warming up to the people around you. Who knows - one of them might have a friend who will be the love of your life. Why not take a chance and strike up a conversation?

When first entering the dating world after a long absence, many people are taken by surprise by how, well, awkward it can be. More to the point, they’re surprised by how awkward they are! I’ve heard complaints ranging from, “This was never this difficult back in college!” to “I’ve never been good at this, and I never will be.”

The truth of the matter is, we call them “social skills” because that’s what they are - skills. The good news is, this means you can improve them at any time no matter how unsuccessful you’ve been in the past. The bad news is, these are skills that tend to atrophy if left unused, just like muscles. And sometimes we don’t even realize how little they’ve been used.

Many people seem to think that the only people whose social skills need improving are people who have no friends at all or live the life of a hermit, working from home and answering the door only to receive their groceries. It’s not uncommon to hear, “I talk to people every day at my job!” or “I have lots of friends!”

However, if we think of social skills as muscles once again, we realize that inter-office relationships, or selling your product to clients, are a distinct set of “muscles” that aren’t really applicable (for one thing, you want to communicate and listen, not sell yourself, and for another, even people who have no trouble selling other things sometimes clam up when it comes to their own attributes). Maintaining a relationship with friends you’ve known for years is yet another “muscle group.”

On a first date, you’re using small talk, but paying genuine attention - the sort of “muscles” you’d use when you’re making friends. And really, unless we’ve just moved to a new location or started a new job, how many of us use those skills regularly?

Luckily, you don’t need to wait for your first date to start honing your skills. Start practicing now, with anyone you don’t know well. The small talk component can be exercised with your grocery store checkout clerk, your coffee barista, your neighbor. Practice being friendly, and asking others questions about themselves - and listen to the answers. It might feel awkward, but rather that now than on a date!

No matter what your current “strength,” you can always improve your conversational skills - which will, in turn, make you that much more relaxed and confident on your date. And who ever complained of having social skills that were too strong?

We all have our "types" when it comes to dating. That is, we all have preferences for certain physical appearances, because after all, romantic relationships require intimacy. Shouldn't we be physically attracted to our partners?

The answer of course is yes. Attraction plays a key role in romantic relationships. The problem with online dating (or dating at all) is that we tend to base most - if not all - of our expectations for success on someone's appearance. For instance, if you like dating thin women, you will likely only look at the profiles of thin women. Or if you like your men to be taller than you - let's say at least six feet - then you tend to filter the shorter ones out of your search.

But let's put these rigid preferences aside for just a moment. What if you were to loosen up your requirements? Do you think that dating someone a few pounds heavier or a few inches shorter would be a major turn-off? If you answered yes, I would argue with you.

The problem with this kind of narrow thinking is that you end up making few allowances for the traits needed for a successful relationship. For instance, maybe you've met a lot of men who were tall, but none of them have worked out for the long-term. Why is that? If your number one deal-breaker is that a man must be at least a certain height, why haven't any of these relationships worked?

The answer is simple: because you're not evaluating your potential dates based on anything that contributes to a real relationship. Your requirement doesn't mean you'll also find someone who is kind, caring, passionate, or honest. Sure, maybe it's possible for you to find Mr. Perfect who is six feet tall, but what about Mr. five-foot-ten who is a great catch and completely overlooked? You're cutting down on your odds of finding someone with these traits because you only want them in a certain package.

I'm not saying physical appearance isn't important, but there has to be more involved. Start by asking yourself the tough questions. Why is this particular physical trait important to you? If you were to have your perfect woman arrive at your doorstep tomorrow - beautiful in every way - except she was a few pounds heavier, would you turn her away? If your perfect man showed up tomorrow, handsome and caring but a few inches shorter than what you'd like, would you tell him to take a hike? Than why not be a little more generous with those online filters?

Think about what you want out of a relationship - that is, how you want to feel around someone else. Let this be your guide, rather than a ruler or a scale.

If you keep one tip in mind as you head out to your dates, consider making it this one: don’t apologize for yourself.

“Hmm,” you might be thinking. “I don’t apologize for myself! Tip mastered!” But it can be far more insidious than you realize. Particularly when we first get back into the dating scene, it’s natural for many of us to apologize for, well, just about anything: Our job, if we’ve been unemployed or we think it’s not successful enough; our appearance, always a popular one; even our interests and hobbies if they’re a bit uncommon.

Sometimes we verbalize our apologies - either explicitly, or by making self-deprecating comments and jokes. Other times we may not say anything about it at all, but we’re thinking it the entire time: “I’m sorry, I’m not slimmer, more exciting, more attractive.” It might not be spoken, but every action and word reflects it.

The problem is, if you’re uncomfortable with yourself, others will become uncomfortable too. They might not consciously realize what’s going on, but they might feel ill-at-ease. If the apologies are verbal and constant, even if they’re “jokes,” they can wear on a person even more.

So, tell yourself: you don’t need to apologize for who you are. In fact, when you’re confident about yourself, the same effect happens in reverse: others want to get to know you better and feel lighter in your presence. Who would you rather date: someone who likes model airplanes, but turns red and mumbles about it when it’s brought up, or someone who gives a big grin and states why they like it in a matter-of-fact way?

The same principle applies even if it’s something you’re not necessarily proud of, like the neighborhood you live in, for example. The fact is that when you find someone compatible, they’re going to like you for who you are - but first, you have to feel the same about yourself. Having that self-confidence is really the first step.

Thus, when you’re sending emails and going on dates, even writing your profile, remember: you don’t have to apologize for yourself. It might be more difficult than it seems, but that simple statement can be the first step to the self-confidence you seek.

There is no one on the planet whose work fascinates me more than Dr. Helen Fisher. Dr. Fisher is a biological anthropologist, a research professor, and a member of the Center for Human Evolution Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She is also the Chief Scientific Advisor of Chemistry.com and the author of five books on sex, love, marriage, gender, and personality.

The latest of Dr. Fisher's riveting research revolves around a subject every romantic holds dear: love at first sight.

Does it exist?

And if so, does it last?

Love at first sight, Dr. Fisher explains, isn't only a human phenomenon. The animal kingdom also experiences its own brand of instant attraction. Scientists have recorded instances of love at first sight in hundreds of species, including elephants, orangutans, baboons, beavers, dogs, chimps, and more. Even Charles Darwin witnessed it, between a pair of ducks: "it was evidently a case of love at first sight, for she swam about the newcomer caressingly... with overtures of affection."

Humans inherited the ability to fall in love at first sight from our animal ancestors. Like other mammals, the female descendants in our primordial past had a monthly period of heat. They had to procreate within that limited amount of time, making it essential that they were able to meet and attract a mate quickly.

First meetings are still important, though we no longer have only a brief window in which to reproduce. We form a strong impression of someone within the first three minutes of meeting them, using only the limited amount of information we are able to gather during that time. For the lucky ones, that impression is one of attraction.

Believe it or not, men tend to fall in love faster than women. Because their brain circuitry for romantic love is more quickly triggered by visual cues, they are more likely to feel instant attraction than their female counterparts.

That may sound like a case of lust rather than love, but lust and love involve very different brain networks. "You can have physical intimacy with someone you are not 'in love' with," Dr. Fisher writes in the Chemistry.com blog, "and you can be passionately in love with someone you have never kissed. But these brain circuits can trigger one another, leaving you wondering for a moment if your attraction is purely physical."

Love at first sight shouldn't be dismissed as shallow or fleeting. Instant passion can last and become genuine, deep attachment. The question you must ask, Dr. Fisher writes, is "What percentage of the day and night do you think about him or her?" Romantic love is an obsession, so if you can't get your beloved off your mind, you can be sure it's the real thing.

To find our more about the dating site in which uses Dr. Fisher's research to help match their members, you can read our Chemistry.com review