Long Term

It’s not your imagination: the longer a couple stays together, the more similar they become in both looks and actions.

“As human beings, we’re instinctively drawn to people who remind us of ourselves,” wrote Lizette Borreli for Medical Daily. The question is, why are we inclined to such a unique brand of narcissism?

“We are drawn to those we have the most in common with, and we tend to have the most successful long-term relationships with those we are most similar to,” Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist, said in the same article.

Love doesn’t come with a textbook. There are no rubrics or cheat sheets. And it definitely doesn’t look like what you see in the movies.

Modern dating is complex and constantly evolving. Relationships are not easy to build and maintain, but they never were. Love comes in many guises - some readily recognizable, some not.

Forget what you know from Twilight. Unrealistic expectations can kill a relationship before it even starts. The reality? It isn’t always pretty, but it’s all we’ve got. These 4 life lessons may not be easy to learn, but they’re essential to lasting love.

There’s a lot of dating advice out there. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with what you should and shouldn’t do when you’re online dating, messaging, or just sorting through your matches, and that’s okay. You learn as you go, one step at a time.

In my experience with dating and giving dating advice, there are a few things that I think are overlooked by the experts. Most advice centers around the practical: what types of photos to use, what messages get the best response, and why you shouldn’t talk about politics on the first date. These are all great tips, but I want to offer a few additional nuggets I’ve learned along the way.

Dating looks vastly different in 2016, even compared to a few decades ago. But while our methods have changed, the mindset remains the same: at the end of it all, most of us are hoping to find “the one.”

Online dating can raise questions. Is it just about hookups? Will I actually meet anyone in person? Are there real people behind those profiles? How do I make a good impression on someone I’ve never seen face to face? Are there any signs that they could be something serious?

PlentyOfFish knows the struggle of finding a soulmate better than most, so they set out in search of answers. The popular dating site surveyed more than 1,100 former users who married someone who met on their site. After all, if those people don’t know the secrets to long-term love, who does?

According to Match’s Singles in America Study, most people are interested in long-term relationships, especially men. However, if you spend much time in the real world of online dating and dating apps, you see a different story unfold: most people are afraid to commit, less they lose their options for meeting other people.

It’s a double-edged sword: there are more options now thanks to apps like Tinder which have made meeting people online very easy, but there’s also the problem of choice as Aziz Ansari talks about in his book Modern Romance. When there are too many options, people tend to feel less satisfied with any one choice.

So what should daters do?

I read a Washington Post article recently penned by a single Mom, who used to find online dating a horrible, time-consuming experience. But since apps came into the picture and she’s able to swipe at any time, like say – between diaper changes or feedings, she finds it absolutely freeing. Dating apps have given her more confidence, because she knows that even when she has a bad date, she can always find someone else. At any time.

But for those of us who have experience looking for love for months or even years, you can start to feel a little bitter and exhausted from the process. After all, how many first dates can you go on before you feel like you’ve had the same conversations and met the same types over and over?

That’s why this summer I have a proposition: instead of looking for someone special, or jumping into a relationship too soon, or getting too excited about an online match before you’ve even met, try taking a step back. Swipe right on more profiles than you want. Try dating a range of people outside of a “type” you find most attractive.

And most importantly, date more than one person at a time. Really.

There’s no reason to continue with serial monogamy this summer, when you do have choices and you can explore your dating options a bit more than you have in the past. Instead of getting excited and let down, riding that roller coaster, try scheduling more dates and seeing all the people you can meet.

There’s no reason to fixate on one choice when you aren’t exclusive. Dating means exploring your options, testing the waters, and seeing who is out there. Plus, when you date outside your type, you are adding to your choices.

I’m not trying to stress out your already busy schedule, but why not take advantage of longer summer nights by keeping your options open? It can’t hurt. And you might have more fun when you don’t take things so seriously.

You turn to OkCupid for casual dating, Tinder for hookups, eHarmony for long-term love, and Ashley Madison for illicit extracurricular activity.

Or do you?

You may think you know which dating services are best for different kinds of relationships (and you’re probably very opinionated about it), but how do your favorites actually stack up when put to the test? A new survey by Consumers’ Research sought to find the dating app that is most likely to lead to a long-term relationship.

The educational organization looked at four popular online dating services for its research: Tinder, Match, eHarmony, and OkCupid. The two most popular options by far were Tinder and OkCupid, which comes as no surprise to anyone who reads the news. Consumers’ Research also found that tech savvy Millennials prefer to use multiple dating apps, instead of just one, to increase their odds of stumbling across someone special.

Well over half of the survey’s participants reported that they ended up in relationships for at least some period of time after using an online dating site or app. The question is, which service is most effective if you’re looking for a long-term relationship?

1. Match.com: The number one spot went to Match.com by a significant margin. Thirty-eight percent of users said they’d had a relationship that began on the site that lasted longer than a month. Thirty-three percent reported having relationships that lasted longer than six months. You can find our Match review here.
2. OkCupid: OkCupid landed in a respectable second place. Thirty-two percent of users had made it past the month mark with someone they’d met using the service. You can find our OkCupid review here.
3. eHarmony: Although they portray themselves as the go-to destination for serious relationships, eHarmony only secured third. Twenty-nine percent of users reported having a relationship of one month or more. eHarmony is the leader though with the most relationships formed by users of any dating service at 57%. You can find our eHarmony review here.
4. Tinder: In a confirmation of the prevailing sentiment, Tinder scored the lowest for those looking for a relationship that lasts. Only 13% reported relationships beyond the one month mark. You can find our Tinder review here.

The Consumers’ Research survey also examined online harassment. User experiences largely ran along gender lines, with around 57% of female respondents and only 21% of male respondents reporting experiencing harassment. The highest reports of harassment came from Tinder and OkCupid users at 39% and 38%, respectively.

Your best bet for avoiding the frogs and finding the princes (or princesses) is to be outgoing and proactive. The survey showed that while the majority of online daters average fewer than six new attempts to connect per day, those who send more messages end up in relationships more often. Increased interactions are linked with greater likelihood of winding up in relationships (of any length). Moral of the story? Get on Match and start messaging.