Relationships

Take a minute to think about the default picture you have on your online dating profile. Even assuming the picture is up-to-date and not digitally touched-up, would you say you look exactly like your photo? Or, perhaps, do lighting and the angle of your face present you at your very best?

Now think about the photo on your passport or driver’s license. Chances are, you look much better in person than the “mug shot” most have to live with. Or maybe you just look different - a new haircut, or weight lost or gained.

Rarely do pictures tell an absolutely accurate story, even when the person posting them is completely honest. Why, then, are we shocked when we meet someone in person and they don’t look exactly like their photo?

Perhaps it’s due to deep-seated reservations about dating. When you’re ready to enter the dating world, you’re theoretically ready to place yourself in an emotionally vulnerable state. There’s always an inherent bit of risk in meeting anyone new, no matter what the circumstances; add that to the fact that we’re expected to expose ourselves emotionally and maybe we start to look for signs of dishonesty. And since people rarely look exactly like their picture, the picture-person comparison is a prime way to feed into our fears.

When you next head out to meet someone for the first time, think about conventional wisdom and photography. Anyone who’s ever met a celebrity in person will tell you that they often look different than they expected, even though film can show them full-length, in motion, at almost any angle. The saying “the camera adds ten pounds” may not always be entirely accurate, but it reflects a truth: a 2-D representation just doesn’t tell the whole story. Just as the text of a profile reveals only a snapshot of the author’s personality, the picture reflects only one angle. So instead of looking for the slightest trace of dishonest photography, focus on what’s really important: whether or not you and your potential match share a spark.

We all get advice from friends and family when it comes to love. Especially if we are having a hard time finding it. While they might have good intentions, keep in mind that you are in control of your life, and what they advise may not be best for you.

Instead of getting confused by what you should or shouldn't be doing when it comes to dating, the best rule is to be honest and true to yourself. The right person will love you for who you are, not who you are trying to be in order to "get" a girlfriend or boyfriend. That said, you should always put your best foot forward.

Following are some tips to help you:

Don't assume things about your date. Many of us think we can sum up a date in about five minutes. We think we know them well enough to determine whether or not we're attracted. While there's something to be said for instant chemistry, don't make this the only reason you'll entertain whether or not someone is worth dating. Chemistry is an elusive thing, and if falling for the hot, rich guys or sexy girls (or people you consider to be your type), hasn't worked for you in the past, maybe you should try something different. If you like someone, go out with him or her again. It may lead to the match you never expected.

Don't think you can change someone else. Many women are guilty of this: we think that a great guy would be perfect...except for one thing. We try to get him to change and resent him when he doesn't, instead of accepting him for who he is. Nobody is perfect (including you), so don't expect this from your partner, either.

Don't judge. Many of us meet a date and wonder if our friends and family would approve. Maybe he's much older, or she's divorced with children, or he travels for work a lot. Even if circumstances make it seem like she's not a great candidate on paper, she may be the right person for you. Only you can decide, so don't let other people's judgments of what they think is good for you cloud your own.

Don't be afraid of being alone. Despite the fact that you always pictured yourself married by the time you were 35 and it still hasn't happened, don't jump to the conclusion that life is passing you by. Embrace this time you have to yourself and develop your interests, socialize, and put yourself out there. The less fearful and more independent you are, the more easily you'll attract the right guy to you.

For more information on this subject you could also try looking at some books on dating and relationships that we have reviewed.

For the final installment of the "Science Of Committment" series, let's take a look at one of the most pressing questions related to faithfulness: Can men and women learn to resist temptation, if they are not already capable of doing so? The phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is thrown around a lot, but is it really true?

Science says: Maybe not. In one study designed to test men's ability to resist temptation, subjects in relationships were asked to envision accidentally running into an attractive woman on the street while their girlfriends were away. Some of the men were then asked to create a contingency plan by filling in the blank in the sentence "When she approaches me, I will _______ to protect my relationship." The rest of the men were not asked to do anything further.

A virtual reality game was then created to test the men's ability to remain faithful to their partners. In 2 of the 4 rooms in the game, the subjects were presented with subliminal images of an attractive woman. The men who had developed the contingency plan and practiced resisting temptation only gravitated towards those rooms 25% of the time. The men who had not, on the other hand, were drawn to the rooms with the subliminal images 62% of the time. Fidelity, it seems, can be a learned skill.

Sheer force of will in the face of temptation isn't the only thing that keeps couples together, however. Chemicals known as "the cuddle hormones," oxytocin and vasopressin, are partially responsible for commitment. Intimate relationships trigger their production, meaning that, to some degree, humans are biologically hardwired to stick together. Scientists also theorize that a person's level of commitment depends largely on how much their partner enhances their life and expands their horizons, a concept called "self-expansion" by Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook University. Aron and his research team believe that "couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment."

To test this theory, couples were asked a series of questions like:

• How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences?
• How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?
• How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?

Experiments were also conducted that simulated self-expansion. Some couples were asked to complete mundane tasks, while other couples took part in a humorous exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats while pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so that each couple failed to complete the task within the time limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it within the limit on the third try, causing feelings of elation and celebration. When given a relationship test, the couples who had participated in the silly (but challenging) activity showed higher levels of love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together, findings that seem to confirm Aron's theory of self-expansion.

"We enter relationships because the other person becomes part of ourselves, and that expands us," Aron explained to The New York Times. "That's why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels really exciting. We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together."

Related Story: The Science Of Commitment, Part II

Falling in love is a great feeling. It’s what we all look for when we seek out a partner: that feeling of unbelievable chemistry and mutual attraction. Unfortunately, many women get carried away and tend to dive in emotionally, expecting an instant relationship.

Often before we get to really know a man, we let these strong feelings overtake us and give our hearts, minds, and exclusivity to the object of our affection. We imagine a blissful future together and what it would look like, instead of letting things progress one date at a time.

In my experience, falling hard and fast doesn’t make the long-term prospects of your relationship more promising. In fact, it often blinds us to red flags we may see upfront, but choose to ignore. What if he seems charming and romantic, but has no intention of having a real relationship?

Instead of jumping in headfirst and making yourself available to him whenever he calls, take it one date at a time and get to know this man who makes you feel wonderful. Romance fades over time, so it’s important to know what really bonds you together besides a sense of chemistry.

Instead, I advise women to keep their options open and continue dating other men. We tend to make the mistake of being emotionally exclusive right away, cutting off our options before we know the man feels the same way. Relationships are a two-way street. You want to ensure he has the same intentions before you make such important assumptions, no matter how good the chemistry.

Playing games is not the objective here. You do not want to date other men with the intention of making him jealous or making your social life seem exciting for his benefit. This is not about him, it’s about you and your long-term happiness. Doing things to “make” him want you usually result having the opposite effect. Instead, by dating different men, you will recognize better when you and the right man want to make a mutual commitment. After a few dates, you both may realize that you have a great relationship and want to date exclusively. Or you may see that the initial chemistry you felt was not enough, or that he doesn’t want to commit to you.

Either way, it’s nice to take things slowly and let the relationship progress on its own. This way, you can be sure to know and get what you truly want.

It’s easy to get carried away with excitement when you first step into the world of online dating. It used to be a major event when you say someone on the street who was in the same vague age bracket; now there’s dozens of possibilities at your fingertips, if not more. You thought you were the only person in town who had a particular hobby; now you’re thrilled to see that there’s many more - and they’re single to boot.

Even more exciting is when you happen upon a profile that seems like a real possibility - someone with common interests whose picture makes your heart beat a little faster. This person seems like a perfect match! You’re so interested that you conveniently miss the fact that the person is only looking for friends, or something short-term.

There’s nothing wrong with emailing someone who isn’t looking for the exact same thing you are; maybe you’ll develop a friendship. Maybe they’ll introduce you to yet another person with common interests, one with whom you have a real spark. There’s even the possibility that, despite the fact that they’re not looking for anything serious, something will develop anyway.

However, the mistake is assuming that the slight possibility that you’re “the one” is a guarantee. When you gloss over the wants and needs that they have specifically articulated - like, say, “I’m not looking for anything long-term” - you’re essentially saying you don’t respect your preferences. Not to mention the fact that it’s essentially arrogant to think you could change their mind; would you pursue someone of a different sexual orientation because you think they’ll just change their tune when it comes to you?

Granted, most people plunge ahead with first-contact emails anyway, not out of arrogance, but because they simply have high hopes. And again, it’s not terrible to strike up a simple conversation. However, don’t expect to get into a long-term relationship if that’s clearly not on the table (and, for that matter, don’t expect a fling when someone is clearly looking for a life partner). It’s fine to start up a friendship; just don’t be disappointed if that’s all you get.

You've been out on a couple of dates with a new guy, and you find yourself really attracted to him. Things are going well: he seems to be interested in you, too. But instead of feeling happy and excited, you are scared. What if he's not really interested? What if you end up getting bored with him? What if he snores, plays too many video games, or doesn't like your friends?

While it's easy to get caught up in the "what ifs", they can also sabotage your budding romance before it's even gotten a chance to bloom. Instead of giving in to your fears about how the relationship might go, try keeping an open mind and being positive. You really don't know how each relationship will play out, and perhaps you're fearful of this guy actually being "the one". Instead of playing into your fears and self-sabotaging, try taking things one step at a time. You're still getting to know him. You like spending time with him. Let go of all those doubts and try focusing and enjoying the present. Following are some tricks to keep you on track.

Remember: you aren't dating your past. Don't compare your new love to past relationships gone wrong. He is not your ex boyfriend. Let go of the fear of repeating yourself and get to know him before making quick judgments.

Turn off the critical chatter. My rule of thumb is, don't start critiquing someone who interests you until you've been out on at least six dates. We can always find things to complain or worry about, and this is our tendency as daters. Instead, try focusing on how he makes you feel, if you are excited to see him, and if he treats you with respect.

Don't second-guess his actions. If he opens the door for you, picks up the check, or calls you back immediately, don't second-guess his intentions. Likely he doesn't have ulterior motives, so don't assume he does. He's attracted to you. Enjoy the gestures!

Don't worry about what you don't know. A friend of mine started dating an older man, and after only two dates, was worried about introducing him to her young friends. She assumed that he would be dismissive of them, or that her friends would make fun of him. Instead of jumping to conclusions about how people will react, have some courage to wait and see what actually happens! You may be pleasantly surprised.

Also, I'll remind you that your friends and family aren't dating your love interest; you are. If he makes you happy, that's what's most important.