Relationships

Dating is, as one might expect, a very personal subject for most people. It’s possible everyone has one funny “bad date” story they pull out for friends and family, but the majority of the time dating is no sitcom - there’s a lot of expectation, insecurity, nerves... not really a spectator sport. Not to mention the fact that well-meaning family and friends like to give their opinions on everything! I know many people who refuse to tell anyone when they start chatting with someone new - they’ll let in the peanut gallery when it’s already serious.

Thus, it may come as a surprise when I say that before you even enter the online dating scene - when you’re constructing your profile - is a prime time for some outside input.

“What?” you may think. “I already know how to use spell-check, and honestly I’m a better writer than most of my friends and family. Can’t I just proofread my own work a few extra times?”

Well, that’s not a bad alternative if you don’t have friends and family nearby or easily available, but the spelling and punctuation isn’t the issue: self-esteem is. No one wants to come off as arrogant, but the flip side is that it’s not uncommon for first-timers to actually undervalue their strengths and assets.

Let’s face it: we might know that we’re usually there for friends and we’ll give change to buskers if we have it, but we don’t really think of ourselves as “compassionate” when it comes time to describe ourselves. Conversely, we might know that people often refer to us as “responsible” or “strong,” but it’s hard to think of those concrete examples that help a person leap off the page beyond generic adjectives. In cases like these, two heads really can be better than one.

The key to collaborating successfully is to choose someone who won’t bring you down - someone who’s naturally supportive won’t make you feel self-conscious. The last thing you need is extra doubt! Remember, if you’ve got the writing aspect covered, you’re not necessarily looking for an editor - rather, a support system. Of course, it never hurts to have an extra set of eyes to proofread, either!

Writing a profile can be stressful, particularly for a first-timer. Why not make it fun with a friend or member of the family? Laughing and cracking jokes won’t detract from writing a good profile - and getting an outside perspective of yourself may allow you to kick off dating with a little extra confidence.

People want a lot of things in the new year...better jobs, better pay, better bodies...but what about better dates?

Let's face it - meeting a date in person after meeting them online doesn't always go the way we plan. They're too tall, they're too short, they're too young, they're too old, they wore the wrong thing, they have the wrong job, or they're just plain boring...and then we feel obligated to sit through the interminable dinner or cup of coffee with someone we're not interested in out of politeness. Every online dater has had wasted dates, but you don't have to have wasted dates anymore.

Here are four things you can do to have better dates in 2012, even if you don't find yourself doing dinner and a movie with the guy or gal of your dreams:

1. Stop worrying about whether or not they'll like you. Instead of stressing out over what your date will think of you, ask yourself the opposite question: Will I like my date? That way you won't be trying to read your date's mind, you won't stress out over something that's not in your control anyway, and you'll stay focused on whether or not you want to see your date again, which is what really matters in the long run.

2. Focus on the positives. You won't click with every person you meet, but that's ok. Enjoy the experience for what it is - a chance to get to know someone new - and focus on the positives. Find three things you genuinely like about the other person, like their sense of style, beautiful eyes, or professional ambition, and compliment them sincerely.

3. Let go of expectations. Don't let it ruin your day if your date doesn't appear to be your soulmate within ten minutes of meeting them. Relax and open your mind to experiencing whatever happens. Even if you don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with your date, it may turn into something else fruitful like a friendship or a business contact.

4. Think of it as an opportunity. So your date didn't work out this time, but it was still a valuable learning experience. Practice your conversation skills and think about what you can learn from this experience that might help you choose better dates in the future. What did it teach you about dating? About men and women? About yourself?

And remember: every date that's wrong for you leads you one step closer to the date that's right for you. Put your head in the right place and 2012 can be a year that's bad-date-free.

For probably as long as there have been relationships, there’s been someone trying to “crack the code” of attraction. We can all think of old adages and wives‘ tales: “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” “Playing hard-to-get is the way to go,” “Nice guys always come in last.” Nowadays one-size-fits-all advice pops up more frequently in the form of self-proclaimed love gurus and pick-up artists. But do we really need these tips and tricks? When should we leave them all behind?

For people who really have a hard time relating to others, it’s not a bad idea to learn a few techniques to get themselves started. Not all conversations come easily, and there’s nothing wrong with a little preparation, whether it’s practicing your smile in the mirror or looking up conversation topics before you head out on your date. Even if you typically have no problem holding a one-on-one conversation, things might look different when you’re full of nerves and hormones. A few tips to keep things running smoothly are practical and welcomed.

The problem comes when we view those we’re attracted to as another species. Most people have no problem forming friendships; why should romantic relationships be any different? When we say things like “Men like feeling strong,” or “Girls like attention,” we’re not only making vast generalizations, we’re dehumanizing them. When you think, “How do I talk to boys?” you’re not thinking, “How should I talk to this individual person?”

And let’s not forget: no matter what tips and tricks you use to attract the one you’re interested in, eventually you’ll have to figure out whether you’re really compatible when you’re just being yourselves. Why not save yourself some time and be genuine from the very beginning?

If you’re not used to dealing with people you’re attracted to, any idea can be worth trying out to help you overcome your nerves. When you’re ready for a real, long-term relationship, however, you’ll discover there are no “tricks” to finding love: it’s simply whether or not two individuals are the right fit.

Many dating sites are branching out and attempting to become something along the lines of dating/social networking sites. A friend of mine, Emily, recently asked me a question:

“A guy emailed me. He seems really nice, but not my type at all. I wouldn’t mind getting to know him as a friend - which this site says it’s there for also - but I’m not interested in him romantically. How should I handle this? Would responding, even to tell him I’m only interested in being friends, be leading him on?”

It’s an interesting issue, particularly as the lines on these sites blur. Sure, it might be easiest to just say you’re only there for friendship - but what if you’re there for romance, but not with specific people?

In general, the easiest way to solve these sorts of problems before they begin is honesty and full disclosure. Here’s the problem, though: how would you feel if you got a first-contact email from someone who said they were interested in physical romance, true love, marriage, and beginning a family? A bit creeped out, perhaps? Regardless of our intentions, in practice a romantic relationship starts out almost indistinguishable from a friendship - with a polite greeting, and getting to know one another.

Thus, on a site that is at least partially devoted to online dating, we should take “romance” as the unspoken default, and the burden of responsibility falls on the person who only wants friendship. If you’re not looking for anyone special in the first place, make sure you have the appropriate boxes checked. If you’re contacting someone for friendship, not romance, make sure you explain it clearly in the email.

Sure, it might feel a little awkward, and some might even back off if you’re not looking for the same thing. But those brief moments of awkwardness are far less uncomfortable than starting a friendship with mixed signals. That being said, for my friend Emily, responding with honesty would not be leading her potential friend on. All one can do is be honest; if someone persists in ignoring reality after that, it becomes their own problem.

As the lines between online dating sites and social networking become all the more fuzzy, it’s best to keep our own intentions as clear as possible. When we’re looking for love, the last thing we want is to muddy up the waters with misunderstandings and drama.

With so much personal information on the internet, it can be difficult to know where to draw the line. There has been much discussion about the amount of personal information you might put out there - that office party where you got a little drunk, those risque photos from college, your work information, your address. However, while we emphasize the importance of monitoring the information you’re putting out into the ether, very little is said about the general etiquette of looking up anyone else. When it comes to online dating - a veritable pool of strangers - how much research should you do, and when are you crossing the line?

First and foremost, a general rule of thumb should be that you respect the privacy of people with whom you have never established contact. If you’re exchanging emails and preparing to meet up for a date, it’s natural that you might want to do a quick search engine check. If you’re avidly following someone on social networks and they’ve never responded to your email, on the other hand, you may be skirting the realm of creepiness.

Next, if the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s only polite to let them slip back into the white noise of the internet. Some might check up on exes every now and then, but there’s no reason to keep tabs on someone with whom you’ve had one date. Equally inappropriate is talking publicly about your date on the Internet. Unless they did something truly offensive, keep your “bad date” stories free of identifying information.

Staying out of someone’s business before and after a relationship might seem like common sense, but what about the sensitive period when you’re reassuring yourself that your match is safe to meet? A good method to go with here might the called the “I’m not listening!” method. A simple name search should assure you that there aren’t any hate sites from jilted lovers or news articles about crime sprees. You might come across a few public social networks, which is a hazy realm and left up to your discretion. But it’s really not appropriate to be checking out the estimated value of your match’s house, for example. Plug your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and close that window.

Obviously it’s good to be aware of the information we’re putting out into the ether. However, it’s also imperative that we monitor our own search habits when we’re meeting with others. It can be tempting to try to find out everything you can, but what do you do if it’s revealed you’ve been playing detective? Relationships are built on trust; don’t cross the line before you’ve even started the race.

For information on a service that will help you do background checks on someone you are dating you can check our review of PeopleFinders.

There's no question that building trust is the most important aspect of any relationship. So what do you do when someone breaks your trust by cheating? Do you tell him to leave and refuse to discuss it? Or do you forgive too easily, afraid of being alone?

This is a complex subject, and one that's worth exploring. There are many reasons people cheat, from sheer compulsion to the breakdown of communication in a relationship. They key to moving forward is having an honest conversation. Only when you can discuss your true feelings and what led to the transgression can you understand what to do about your relationship - namely, should you stay or should you go?

Following are some steps to consider taking:

Try couples therapy. If you find that you can't have a conversation with each other without exploding or slinging mud, then a third party can help put you on neutral territory. Remember, getting to the heart of the problem doesn't mean blaming or punishing; it means trying to understand what the other person feels, thinks, and wants so you can see where the relationship went wrong. When you can see things clearly, you can make better decisions - ones that aren't based in anger or fear.

Take some time apart. If the thought of being in the same room with your cheating partner makes your skin crawl, you may want to consider a temporary separation. Emotions can easily get out of control, so if you need space, claim it. Just remember this isn't a time to take revenge by having your own affair. Make a clean break before you get involved with someone else.

Reflect on your relationship. While I don't condone cheating, often there is a reason for it. If you're honest with yourself, you can ask the question: did we communicate well? Did I understand my partner's wants and needs, and did we want the same things? Did we respect each other? Often, one or both of you were unhappy in the relationship already, and the affair provided an escape, or perhaps an excuse to change things. It's healthy to recognize what might have gone wrong, to see if the relationship is salvageable.

See if you can build trust again. Once you've taken the steps to determine whether or not you want to continue in the relationship, it's a good idea to take small steps to build trust between each other if you do decide to stay. Start with the basics - does he call when he says he will? Did he paint the garage like he promised last week? Does he make an effort to prove his love for you? These small steps go a long way towards building the relationship mutually respectful grounds.