Relationships

When you sit down to edit your online dating profile, it can be a bit overwhelming. You want to be concise, but you’d better not have bare laundry lists! You want to allow insight into your personality and character, but you’d better not ramble! You might be sending messages through your pictures, your headline, the extra information you choose to share or keep private! It’s a tough tightrope to walk. So if you don’t feel you’re ready to join the circus quite yet, here’s one simple editing rule to keep in mind: watch for negativity.

Negativity can creep in in all sorts of nefarious ways. First, and most frequently, it pops up when you talk about yourself. In countless ways, we tell people we’re not special: “I’m an average guy,” “I do all the normal things on the weekend,” “I’m not a model,” and worse. Someone might apologize for not having an “interesting” career. Of course, when we look at the profiles of other people we fully realize that most people don’t have careers straight out of the movies and they don’t all look like actors; still, we place that sort of pressure on ourselves, and it shows.

Secondly, a negative attitude can become apparent when you talk about others. Most frequently, it’s related to your own baggage. Maybe it’s when we talk about the past: “I’m sick of party animals and the club scene.” Maybe it’s when we talk about what we want in the future: “I want someone who is faithful and not lying scum.” “Don’t even bother writing me if you’re afraid of commitment.” And maybe it comes up when we try to differentiate ourselves from the “competition”: “I’m not like those girls who mess around behind your back.” In this case, the old adage is proven true: If you can’t say something nice (about yourself or others), don’t say anything at all.

Finally, negativity can even creep into your pictures. Were you genuinely in a good mood when they were taken, or did you grimly take some head shots in a mirror because they’re required? Even if you’re smiling, the viewer can tell when the smile doesn’t reach your eyes, and it can turn them off without even fully realizing why. A candid, genuinely happy photo is always better than a fake posed one, even if it’s less flattering.

If you’re on the lookout for negativity in your profile, the rest of the tips and tricks become intuitive and easy. So don’t let yourself become overwhelmed when it comes to the editing phase: simply strike down negative impressions wherever you’ll see them, and you’ll be well on your way to a compelling profile.

In the world of online dating profiles, we tend to separate the profile into two distinct sections: the self-summary, and the pictures. In the self-summary, we attempt to reflect the many nuanced layers of our personality, display our passion for our interests or our job, and state what we’re looking for in a partner, all while appearing interesting and warm - in a few concise paragraphs. When it comes to the pictures, however, we’re generally content with something that doesn’t give us more chins than we naturally possess. Well, perhaps we’re missing an opportunity here. Why not use the picture section to aid your narration?

Believe it or not, your picture section might already be telling a story - and maybe not the one you want to tell. If all of your photos are of you cuddled up to various and assorted people, in a bar or party setting, you might be coming off as more wild than you’d like. In contrast, if they’re all carefully posed headshots or taken in the mirror, then photoshopped within an inch of their lives, you might be giving off a vibe that you’re anything from painfully self-conscious to vain.

But when used to your advantage, the picture section of a profile can support your self-summary, or add depth to it. You might mention you love the outdoors and staying active, but a picture of you in mid-skydive really is worth a thousand words. Instead of trying to explain a funny costume you made for last year’s Halloween party, include a shot of it. If you’re promoting the fact that you’re close with friends and family, take some snapshots at the next gathering where you’re genuinely having a good time. Even if these photos aren’t at the most flattering angle or your eyes are closed, the candid, honest nature of them will more than make up for it.

With a few well-chosen photos, the reader will feel like they know you better than they otherwise might. The rewards can be exponential - they’ll then feel more comfortable when meeting in person, and perhaps the first date will begin even better than usual. So as you sit down to choose your photos, ask yourself: are you looking for the most flattering photo, or the one that best tells your story?

You asked for her number and now you're going out on your first date together. She's really attractive, so you're feeling nervous. You want to make a good impression and stand out from the other guys she might be dating. (Or maybe you just don't want to screw things up.)

Following are some tips to ensure your date goes smoothly and you've got her interested in seeing you again...and again:

Planning. The first step in a successful date happens before you even leave the house. Planning the date is key. If you try to wing it and ask her where she wants to go or what she wants to do when you pick her up, you've lost before you've even started. If you've had a few conversations, hopefully you've picked up on some things she likes - whether it's going for cocktails or hiking on a Saturday morning. If you haven't don't worry - just make sure you pick a place to go and don't put the work on her. Being a planner means you're confident and you're taking care of things. A woman likes these traits in any man.

Dress for success. There's no need for expensive clothes, but if you want to impress a girl, don't show up to your first date wearing your comfortable shorts and flip flops (unless you're going to the beach). Put some effort into how you look, because she will. If you aren't sure, then ask a female friend to help you out.

Engage in conversation. All this means is - listen to her and ask questions. This isn't a job interview, so don't go into a date with a list of your qualifications or try to "sell" her on how great a guy you are. Just be present - ask questions and listen to her answers. This will go a long way in building up a connection, which is a lot more important to most women than your resume.

Don't go in for the kiss unless you know she wants it. I know it's tempting, but don't try and save a date that's not going so well by kissing her or trying to get physical. A woman has to feel the attraction first. If you aren't sure if she'll go for a kiss, then don't do it. Instead, ask her out on the next date - and mention someplace she likes to go (if you asked her during the date you'll have a few ideas).

Follow up. At the end of the date, ask her out. Then make specific plans (like picking a day and having an idea of where to go.) Text her afterwards that you enjoyed the date. The more consistent you are with following up, the more likely she'll agree to that second date.

When you're interested in a man, you want to make the best impression possible so things don't fizzle out before you've even gotten started. So what can you do to improve your chances? I think that attraction is organic, but relationships progress when two people get to know each other and feel they are compatible. So, it's time to be honest about some negative habits you might be displaying that might make a great guy hesitate.

In case you're wondering - please know I'm not talking about reinventing your image, ladies. Turn-offs have less to do with your physical appearance and everything to do with how you come across when you interact and engage with a man. Following are some turn-offs that have most men moving on to the next.

Lying or manipulating. Honesty is one of the most important things a man looks for in a good relationship. If you begin by lying or being secretive about your life, then there's no place to build a foundation of trust, and no real future. If you're dating other men, then let him know. There's nothing wrong with either of you dating others until you become serious. Just don't hide it.

Anger and mood swings. It's natural to get angry from time to time, but if anger is your dominant emotion, or if you tend to bottle it up and then let it out in a tirade of emotional outbursts, this is not healthy for any relationship. Keep an open line of communication, and don't hold grudges or keep bringing up mistakes or trangressions of your past relationships. He's not your ex.

Not treating others with respect. I paid attention to how my dates treated waiters and bartenders. I don't have much patience for people who make others feel bad or inferior; it's just mean behavior. Everyone wants to be treated with respect. If you don't show this to everyone around you then your date may wonder if you'll treat him poorly, too.

High maintenance. There's no need to wear fake eyelashes and hair extensions on your dates, or to cop an attitude that you're better than other women. Most men prefer a woman's natural features, and assume you're going to be high maintenance if you come across looking too made up or act too aggressively. They will shy away from women who seem too needy or overbearing.

Unhappy with your circumstances. Many of us women are always looking for something - whether it's success in our careers, a husband, romance, or recognition of some sort. Maybe you haven't achieved some of these goals, but if you dwell in what you don't have instead of focusing on what you do, then you may appear unhappy or - and I don't like this term - "jaded" to your dates. I encourage you to approach each date as a new experience, and to adopt an outlook of gratitude for what you have accomplished and what you currently have in your life. Shifting your perspective will help with all of the men you meet, and will bring you more quickly towards a fulfilling relationship.

Most of us have a romantic idea of how we'll meet "The One." Maybe you're at a party and see each other across the crowd, eyes locking and both going weak in the knees. Or maybe you run into him walking your dog, and instantly your heart skips a beat. Either way, it's an instant knowing: he's the person you want to be with forever. Things will proceed accordingly - you just have to meet him so you can both instantly recognize each other. Getting to that point is difficult - making love last seems like a piece of cake.

While this is a great theory, it's not reflective of reality. Sure, some couples instantly connect and stay together - maybe you know some. But for the majority, lasting love requires something more than this kind of chemistry.

According to an article on Oprah.com by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and expert for Chemistry.com, there was a survey by Ayala Malach-Pines, PhD, of Ben-Gurion University in Israel. Of 493 respondents, only 11 percent said their long-term relationships started from love at first sight. For the majority, it didn't happen quite so easily. Fisher adds, "Psychologists say that the more you interact with a person you like (even slightly), the more you come to regard him as good-looking, smart, and similar to you-unless you discover something that breaks the spell. So it's wise to hang in for a second meeting."

While I do believe that love at first sight exists, I think we often mistake it for chemistry and attraction, which aren't lasting qualities in a relationship. For example, have you met someone you found incredibly attractive, only to wonder what happened a few weeks later when he stopped calling or returning your texts? Because of the chemistry you experienced, you felt the relationship had a good chance of working. You felt he was Mr. Right, but he was far from it.

When we're left hurt and wondering what happened, or when we question where a relationship is headed or how the other person feels, this isn't love at first sight. True and lasting love comes from something besides chemistry, and it usually takes getting to know each other and falling in love at a deeper level than just the instant physical attraction. Don't rely on chemistry alone to tell you whether someone is or isn't Mr. Right. If you find him interesting or attractive and you would go out again, take a chance. Even if you didn't go weak in the knees for your first meeting, he could be "the One" - only time will tell. You have no way of knowing - with anyone - until you've dated for a while and the fireworks start to fade. Then real and lasting love steps in.

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We all want to appeal to as broad an audience as possible. Even if it’s a cliche, it’s hard to write an online profile without emphasizing the “balanced” nature of our personalities. Of course we can’t be placed in one box! We like to party, but we’re happy staying in too! It’s become a cliche because it’s true, for pretty much everyone. And why not appeal to those on both ends of the spectrum of your personality?

While, in general, this is not a bad strategy, it can cause problems if you actually have a “type” you desire to attract. For example, let’s say you like athletic sorts. Rather than mention your love of sports and the many seasonal activities you participate in, you give a vague statement about how you like to stay in shape. Then you spend most of the profile talking about your other hobbies, like knitting and going to movies.

Even though you may honestly possess all these interests, by giving everything equal time, you’re not focusing on what’s actually most important to you: athletics. In turn, the sort of people you may be trying to attract might not think you value it either, and decide you don’t have all that in common.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should paint a false picture of yourself; however, everyone has multiple layers and interests, and it’s up to you to discern what’s relevant to your readers. Additionally, you’re dealing with a limited attention span; the reader wants to be drawn in by a few paragraphs, not your life story. So which is more important: that you reflect a super-balanced, if generic, personality, or that you share your passion for what you love?

As you sit down to write your online profile, remember that mass appeal isn’t always the most important attribute. You want to stand out to the sort of personalities to whom you’re attracted; if that means emphasizing one aspect of your personality, so be it.