Relationships

Sometimes we can get swept up in passion. It's attractive when another person is funny, smart and passionate - but what happens when these initial attractors fade away and you're witness to the angry person underneath? How do you differentiate when it's just a one-time thing, or if this is a bad behavior pattern? What can you do to address it?

Anger is an emotion that shouldn't be taken lightly. Some people have a low tolerance and little patience, and can easily lash out when things don't go their way. For instance, have you been with a date who loses it when his order is messed up, or he can't find a good parking spot? Do the little things seem to bother her to the point where you can't enjoy a conversation without a litany of complaints? Are you afraid to have a frank conversation with this person?

Anger is an emotion all of us feel from time to time, but when it takes control of another person, it can be scary and overwhelming. Tip-toeing around the problem can only make it worse. Following are some ways of dealing with an angry date:

Pick up on clues. If your date gets angry fairly early on in your relationship, proceed with caution. I once dated a man who spoke sarcastically all the time - about politics, his job, and a number of other things - and at first I found him funny, smart and charming. Then I learned he had a chip on his shoulder. However, when I tried to coax him out of his anger or argue a point, he became anything but charming. He turned his anger and sarcastic comments on me. I knew without a doubt that managing his anger was an issue, so I broke it off.

Manage expectations. Let your date know from the beginning where you stand as far as your relationships go to avoid any misunderstandings. For instance, if you're only looking for a casual fling, let her know upfront. Let her know if you're dating other people. The more truthful you are, the better for you in the long run to avoid any misunderstandings or "crazy girlfriend" scenarios.

Don't assume you're immune to the anger. If your date likes to pick fights with others, chances are he'll eventually pick fights with you. An angry person doesn't discriminate based on romance or a relationship - everyone is fair game, so don't make yourself vulnerable to this.

Be willing to walk away. Don't try to "fix" your date. Anger is a risky thing, and if you become the target of verbal incriminations after a while you'll be worn down and start to believe them. Be strong and walk away if someone is belittling you or being at all disrespectful. You deserve better.

Let’s say you’ve been chatting with someone through an online dating site, and you’re ready to take the next step: the first date. For some, the idea of an awkward silence is pretty much the worst thing they can imagine; for them, the natural solution is something that keeps you both busy, like a movie or bowling. However, a little silence can be a good thing.

Finding a good venue for a first date is all about striking a balance, finding the perfect blend of intimacy and fun to really get to know one another. Now, every couple is a unique combination of two individuals, so there really is no “right” answer. However, let’s examine some of the more common choices and their pros and cons.

Bowling, at first glance, seems like a viable option. You’re having fun, there’s room for playful competitiveness, and you don’t have to be super athletic so it’s a good middle-of-the-road choice. It’s really not bad - once you’re more comfortable with each other. For a first date, it’s just too busy. Whether you’re in a group or one-on-one, you’ll be constantly in and out of your seats, taking turns. There’s not much time to really get conversation going or feel out the chemistry issue. And bowling alleys are often just too loud to hear one another, especially at night.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is a quiet dinner together. You’re given ample time to speak, and you’re probably facing each other the entire time. You’re given food to eat, so there’s at least a little distraction. However, dinner is not ideal either. For some, eating out can be a headache, particularly if you’ve got major food allergies or restrictions. There’s also a myriad of food issues that can simply make someone self-conscious and distracted. Some might also feel “trapped” at a dinner - there’s not much to distract you if the conversation hits an awkward note.

Mini-golf, on the other hand, walks a middle line fairly well. The skill required is minimal, and it’s easy to be silly about it. It can be taken at whatever pace the couple likes. It’s plenty quiet enough to have a conversation, and there are even opportunities to “help” one another or otherwise test the waters of physical chemistry.

A final option is to create your own combo, tailored to your interests and needs. There’s a reason why “dinner and a movie” became a cliche: while not perfect, it combines intimacy and interest, an ability to hold hands and talk animatedly about what you’ve just seen. You could try stopping for coffee before going to a carnival, or rock climbing followed by dessert. There’s nothing that says you can’t give yourself the best of both worlds.

In choosing a first date, remember to be open with your date, and ask them what they’re up for - the burden shouldn’t fall on only one person. Together, you can find an activity that interests you both. Just remember to consider the balance of your activities; you want ample opportunity for both fun and flirtation!

Here’s a common conundrum: you’re a funny person - really, a funny person, everyone says so - but that doesn’t mean you’re a comic writer. Humor can be next to impossible to get across on the Internet, and most online dating tips will tell you to leave it out of your profile. However, you think it’s one of your best assets and a major component of your personality. How do you show you’re a funny person in your profile without trying too hard?

First, we have to understand why humor is so much more difficult in the written word: it’s because humor is often visual. Think about comedians you’ve seen, whether it’s stand-up or on a sitcom. Are they just delivering funny lines, or are they making faces? Maybe it’s funny because their face is a serious one.

Now think about how they tell their jokes. There’s a reason why many famous comedians have a certain manner of speaking that’s easy to mimic - it’s because they’ve learned what works for them, and they stick to it. And make no mistake - even the most dry, sarcastic comedians are performing, even if they’re playing the “straight man” role.

So we have audio clues, and we have visual clues. How do we represent those in a profile? Well, in the written word, most of that will fall flat. However, you do have one avenue of possibility in the visual department: pictures. A picture doesn’t have to be literally “funny,” but it can get across your personality and your persona as a funny person. Maybe you have a picture where you’re laughing, having a good time, or where others are laughing at your jokes. Don’t forget, in some dating sites, you can write captions for photos - and now you have an interplay of words and images, a prime opportunity to demonstrate your sense of humor.

Another prime place to insert a little humor is the headline of your profile. Your readers will probably see this on their page of search results, along with your default picture, so the two combined make a first impression. Don’t go overboard, here - you want something simple and catchy. A quote from a funny movie is a good place to start. Some like to refer to obscure quotes to attract people with the same media tastes; just make sure the line is still funny, or at least not offensive, on its own. You don’t want to turn off someone who simply hasn’t seen a specific movie.

So it is possible to reflect your sense of humor in your online profile, if you don’t overdo it. And remember something else: if you make those around you laugh all the time, chances are your “voice” will come through without even cracking a joke. If you’re a funny person, it’ll be evident sooner or later - naturally, without performing on command.

I've said this before, and I'm going to say it again: there's a reason we call it "the dating game." It's supposed to be a game. It's supposed to be fun. People say "playing games" like it's a dirty word, but the reality is that games are an integral part of love and relationships.

Think about it this way...

You've fallen head over heels in love with a guy you've only been seeing for three weeks. Would you tell him that right away? Would you cook him a romantic dinner and spill your guts out over the fillet mignon? Probably not. You'll refrain from saying those three magic words until after an appropriate amount of time has passed, because saying them too soon will come off as clingy and will probably scare your beau away.

But what is "an appropriate amount of time?" Do you know? Does he know? Does anyone know?

Or think about it this way...

Last week you met a girl who totally blew you away. She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's driven, she's got a great sense of humor...she's everything you've been looking for in a woman. But you took her number and now you're lost. Can you call her right away? Should you observe the three day rule? And after that, how many times can you call or text her? Is there a per-day limit? Too much communication and you'll come off as a stalker, but too little communication and she'll think you're not interested.

So what do you do? Is there a one-size-fits-all answer?

Of course not. What works for one person won't necessarily work for you, nor should it. The beauty of love and attraction is that they're different for everyone, and the only way to figure out what works for you and your dates is to play the game.

Relationships are, to put it mildly, hard work. We choose partners based on their ability to cope with that hard work, based on the emotional and intellectual skills that they have developed that will help them navigate that rocky terrain. And how are those skills tested, developed, and demonstrated? You guessed it...by playing games.

Being able to play the game shows that you have the interpersonal dexterity that is required to keep a romantic relationship alive over the long-term. It shows that you have strong social skills and a solid grasp of your date's (and potential future partner's) wants and needs. It shows that you can read them without them having to speak, which is exactly what we expect from our partners.

We want someone who know us, inside and out, like they're a mindreader in a Vegas show. We want someone who anticipates our thoughts and emotions before we even open our mouths. We want someone who knows when to speak up and when to keep quiet. All of these things are what make us feel loved, cherished, and understood, and that's why playing games is anything but a bad thing.

If you’re looking to take charge of your romantic fate, creating an online dating profile is an excellent way to start. Instead of waiting around for someone to approach you in some kind of chance meeting, why not put yourself out there with a profile that states you’re available? Since you’ll be easily findable by your interests, all that’s left now is to sit back and let the date offers roll in!

...Well, not quite. In fact, it’s that sort of mindset that often leaves people unhappy with their online dating experience. Even though you’ve gone to the trouble to set up a profile - a well-written one, even! - taking a passive attitude about dating is a surefire way to get less responses than you otherwise might.

“But no one wants someone who’s pushy or overbearing!” you might think. Whether or not that’s true, the fact remains that putting up a profile, but then failing to email anyone, is the equivalent of bothering to go outside, but bringing a book and wearing headphones. You might theoretically be present, but you’re not encouraging anyone to actually interact with you.

No, it might take a little bit of work, but in order for a conversation to occur, someone has to initiate it. If that person is you, you’ll save yourself a lot of time waiting around. Sure, there’s a risk of rejection - but in online dating, that either means you never get a response or you get an email you can delete. About as painless as rejection ever gets.

As a bonus, the lessons you learn in the world of online dating can then be applied in the “outside” world. If you see someone you’re interested in at the bookstore, why not approach them? Why not be a little more bold at work? No one, in any situation, will ever know your thoughts if you don’t express them.

Thus online dating remains an excellent way to take control of your love life - if you take full advantage of your opportunities. Why be timid, passive, and fearful of rejection? Why not follow up your fresh start on romance with a bolder you?

There is a truth to dating that isn't discussed much. When two people come together in a serious relationship, one or both of them at some point may wonder: is this the best person out there for me? Or can I do better?

While this "grass is greener" syndrome seems like a smart question to ask before you take the next step - like moving in together or getting married - you must also ask yourself what your motivations are. After all, you chose to go out with this person in the first place, and to become exclusive. You were initially attracted to her, even if you don't feel weak in the knees anymore when you see her. The relationship seems to have changed. You wonder if this is the natural course of things, or if you are making a huge mistake in staying together. But what if you decide to break up only to discover that you really wanted to be with this person after all?

Love isn't an easy process after the romance fades, but it's important to understand that relationships have cycles of ups and downs - you can't be perpetually on a romantic high. At the same time, if you find yourself dreading spending time together, you have some issues to address with each other.

So should you stay together? First, it's important to have some clarity. Are you getting cold feet with the idea of committing to someone? Do you wonder who else is out there? Are you reluctant to take down your Match.com profile just in case there is someone better around the corner?

My feeling is this: if you're looking for someone else who might be "better" for you, you're missing the point. It's important to take stock of your relationship before you start fantasizing about someone who may not even exist. Ask yourself:

• Do I enjoy spending time with this person?
• Do I feel affection for this person?
• Do we communicate well?
• Am I physically attracted to this person (even if I'm no longer weak in the knees)?
• Does s/he treat me with respect, kindness, and affection?

If you have reservations based on the answers above, it's time to take stock of what you want and who you're with. But if your concerns are more focused on waning feelings of attraction, or that you've become a "boring" couple, or that you find your partner too predictable and you're craving more drama or stimulus, proceed with caution.

Relationships change over time, so keep some perspective about your expectations. Whether you decide to stay or go, the decision has consequences, so be sure to think it through.