Relationships

Recently I became acquainted with a guy named “Ryan.” He seemed intelligent, witty, and he’s certainly good-looking. However, not only is he single, according to him, he hasn’t really had many serious or long-term relationships. In his words, “I just haven’t found my perfect match.”

The more I chatted with him, the more I realized that when he said “perfect match,” he wasn’t joking. He described women he’d dated and dumped, for reasons like “She had three cats, which seemed a little too cat-lady” and “We shared the same politics, but she seemed less passionate than I was.”

Honestly, I’d only ever seen such nit-picking in romantic comedies. It was somewhat shocking to meet someone who really was seeking perfection. And, of course, he hadn’t found it yet - and he probably never will.

Perhaps only a professional could really determine why Ryan sought perfection - and, more importantly, why he couldn’t see it in any of his previous dates. Perhaps he has an immature, fairy-tale notion of what love should be like. Perhaps he’s not really ready to find the “perfect match,” and he fixates on insignificant details as a way to give himself an “out.”

Remember: when we talk about finding the “perfect match,” we aren’t talking about literal perfection: we’re talking about finding the right match for us. Further, that doesn’t mean that there’s only one “perfect” match for us in the world, because, after all, no one’s actually perfect. Instead, what we mean is finding someone we choose to stay with.

No one could turn down an actual “perfect person,” someone tailor-made for all your needs. But when you choose to be with someone despite their very human flaws, when you care enough to forge a strong relationship that goes deeper than just common interests or physical attraction... well, isn’t that far more romantic than some fairy-tale perfect match?

Ah, online dating. A world of possibility - but sometimes all that possibility can be daunting. When confronted with your very first custom search, a question as old as love itself might flit through your mind: “Should I look for someone like me, or do opposites really attract?” As with all things romance, the answer might be more complicated than you expect.

First and foremost, every person is unique; thus, it’s no surprise that we get along with people for different reasons. Think about the range of relationships you’ve already experienced - and not just romantic ones. Perhaps you’ve got a co-worker with a different skill set, and you bring the best out in each other. Maybe you have a childhood friend and you’re quite different people now, but you first became friends due to some common interest. Maybe you’re friends with someone because you hail from the same hometown, and you’re bound solely by those shared experiences.

Because you probably have a variety of compatibility types, perhaps it’s best to “sample the menu,” as they say, and see what fits best for you. You’re not bound to one custom search; try everything from searching for very specific common interests, like a love of pinball machines, to emailing someone completely out of your box. What do you have to lose?

A note of caution, however: it is true that you can find someone with complementary traits instead of ones that are exactly the same as yours, and have a happy, successful relationship. However, make sure you know that when you’re dealing in opposites, there’s a difference between “complementary” and “antagonistic.” TV shows and movies just love a romantic story where the two main characters start out hating each other. While it makes for good tension and drama, there’s usually some event that brings our star-crossed lovers together, or perhaps they come to love each other over a long period of time. Not to mention: it’s fiction. If you’re not looking to develop a relationship over years, you might be best to find someone who doesn’t set your teeth on edge immediately.

Remember that with online dating you’re just utilizing a tool to meet someone, so don’t feel like you have to fall in love with a profile to give an email a chance. Who knows? Just as we have friends for a variety of reasons, you might find love in someone entirely unexpected.

Is it possible to know if you've met your match just by looking at an online dating profile? According to Kimberly Seltzer, the matchmaker and dating expert whose expertise is featured in Day Five of YourTango's online dating bootcamp, the answer is "yes." "Actually," she says, "there are a lot of things you can look at to determine whether a guy is good for you right from the get-go."

So what are they?

First, look at the profile picture. If your potential sweetie is wearing something inappropriate, posing in the bathroom, or in the (nearly) buff, they're probably only after one thing...and it isn't a serious relationship. If you're looking for someone to settle down with, they're probably not the guy or gal for you.

Seltzer also suggests looking at whether the photograph is clear or blurry. A picture that's difficult to see indicates that the person featured in it may be trying to hide something. It could be a conscious decision - to hide a physical feature like 50 extra pounds or a wedding ring - or an subconscious move that reflects the desire to hide an undesirable trait that isn't physical - like being unemployed for the past 3 years.

Now look at who else is in the picture. If there's no one else, it's a sign that they're taking the dating game seriously. If it's a picture full of other men or women, you may want to put the brakes on your courtship. They're probably too busy playing the field to settle down any time soon.

After you've assessed the picture, you're ready to take a look at the rest of the profile's content. Does the writing flow well? Does it feel almost like you're having a conversation? Writing that feels like a conversation could be a sign that the person has a good understanding of the give and take that must occur in a healthy relationship. On the other hand, if it feels like they're trying to sell something to you, or are only interested in talking about themselves, consider it a red flag.

The user name also holds clues to a person's potential as a partner, says Seltzer. If the screenname is hyper-sexual, you know exactly what kind of date you're in for. If you're looking for something fun and casual, that person is a good bet. If not, look somewhere else. Relationship material IS out there, as long as you know how to look for it.

To see the video, click here.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Four

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcampe: Day Six

Relationships often times aren't so straightforward. Sometimes you feel in love and happy around your boyfriend, and others you aren't so sure you want to be with him. Maybe he has bad habits you can't overlook, or maybe there's an underlying doubt about the relationship that prevents you from moving forward. Couples don't always move at the same pace, so it's important to give yourselves time to figure things out along the way, especially if the relationship is new.

While it would be great to fall in love at the same time, with both of you on the same page for where things are headed, this isn't usually how it works. People are different and operate on their own timetables, so it's good to understand where you are first before panicking and heading for the exit. Following are some guidelines if you're wondering whether you're in love or not, or if you should stay or go:

Take your time. Is the relationship new? Then you're just getting to know each other and it's okay to take some time to see if your feelings develop into something more substantial. Some of us need more time - we're more hesitant, especially if we've been hurt. Don't be worried if you're not feeling love at first sight. Lasting love evolves differently for each person, so don't think the relationship is doomed because you're not in love yet. Just enjoy each other's company and see how things evolve.

Set boundaries. If he's declaring his love for you after date three, then you might want to let him know to back off. There's no need to place that kind of pressure on a relationship in the beginning when you really don't know each other anyway, so don't feel obligated to reciprocate. Give yourself (and your date) some time - there are no "timetables" or limits, despite what many people may tell you. Also, know where you stand when it comes to sex. If you're not sure about your feelings, don't send mixed messages by sleeping with him and then disappearing. Instead, communicate.

Look inside. If indecision is a pattern for you, there may be another reason for your uncertainty. Are you afraid of being hurt? Have you closed yourself off emotionally before? Or is there something about this particular person that you don't trust? Ask yourself the tough questions and listen to your instincts.

Give yourself permission to leave. If you've been dating a while and you still don't feel that spark or connection that you desire, don't talk yourself into staying. It's not a good idea to enter into a committed relationship with uncertainty and doubt - it only leads to more. Don't be afraid to call it quits if that's what is best for you. It might be hard, but it will only get harder as time goes on.

I’m going to discuss a topic that requires a little cognitive dissonance. Or, in other words, this might make your head hurt. When it comes to online profiles and first-contact emails, perhaps the most tried-and-true advice is to “be yourself.” Ideally, you should always try that first, and as you’ve probably heard over and over, it’s best to leave the game-playing at your video game console.

However, let’s say you’re having a difficult time with either your profile or your first-contact email. Maybe people tend to send you emails based on your profile, but things fizzle out once you actually begin communicating. Or maybe you seem to do much better if you can just get someone to start a conversation with you. Well, there might be a reason for that.

You see, people tend to respond to confidence when it comes to online profiles. The more self-assured, positive and upbeat you are on your profile, the better. Yet, when it comes to first-contact emails, it becomes more likely that confidence will be read as cockiness. A little bit of self-deprecation, proverbial shuffling of feet and giving an “aw shucks” can go a long way.

Why is this? Well, it’s probably best evaluated by psychologists and sociologists, but we laypeople can make a few guesses. Think about it like this: if you’re listening to a professional speech or presentation, you have different expectations than if you’re talking to the presenter one-on-one after the fact. The very traits that might make for an impressive actor or orator would probably be a bit over-the-top and dramatic in a smaller setting. Thus, those skilled in such arenas also know how to turn their “persona” off and on.

Similarly, we’ve come to expect a good first impression when it comes to online profiles. We know that people have time to edit and sweat over every word, and we know it’s essentially a blast into the ether. We appreciate those gambles that make a profile stand out. We enjoy someone with a positive, confident approach to this uncertain dating world.

Then, when we email, we want to know that we’re talking to a human being. Sure, they may be awesome, but they’re not on display anymore; they’re getting to know us, and they’re more interested in learning about us than putting on a show. The profile has done its job as an attention-getter, and now we see a little more of the humble “man behind the curtain.”

Seems exhaustive and weird, especially when a first-contact email is only a few sentences long, right? Well, this sort of complicated dance is something we likely do every day as we interact with various people - it’s just that we don’t often analyze our relationships with, say, that neighbor we don’t really like.

Still, if you’re consistently falling flat, it might help to consider your general tone, both in your profile and your emails. Are you making a good first impression with your profile? And when it comes to emailing, do you know how to “turn off” that more public persona?

For many, online dating sites are an excellent option because they fit any schedule. You can peruse profiles at three in the morning, or one in the afternoon. Naturally, you’ll have to make some compromises when it comes to actually scheduling a date, but with custom searches you’re more likely to find another night owl or swing schedule than you might otherwise be. But what about when you’re just as particular about dating at all? What if you’re not even sure you want to date at all?

Timothy has had some bad experiences in the past when it comes to love. He now knows what doesn’t work for him, but he fears it’s too late anyway. Beyond that, he’s been a “confirmed bachelor” for the majority of his life. He likes the idea of finding love, but he knows he’s set in his ways. Perhaps, he thinks, he should just give up altogether. What should Timothy do?

Ultimately, only Timothy knows if he’s really let go of his past and is truly ready to find someone new. However, let’s assume that Timothy truly is bitterness-free. For Timothy, there’s no ticking clock - he’s past the age where many feel the pressure to start a family, and he’s okay with that. He’s learned to be so self-sufficient that he’s not even sure he really needs a partner. He’s not looking to be rescued, or to rescue anyone. So in a sense, Timothy might have a few advantages.

You see, he can afford to simply keep an eye out for “just the right” match. Perhaps someone else who’s looking to test the waters slowly, who truly means they want to start off as good friends. The fact of the matter is, the world is filled with all types of people, but those who are on the fence about love are a bit further and far-between on dating sites devoted to... well, finding love. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be found! Since Timothy is in no mad rush, he can take his time, and only go on dates that seem like real possibilities.

Similarly, he should be honest about his needs on his own online profile. There’s no need to be rude about it and say something like “I’m not even sure I want to date,” but he can talk about the things he’ll likely value in a good match, like independence. He doesn’t need to appeal to as broad an audience as possible, because he has a pretty good idea of exactly what he wants, so why not start narrow? Of course, if he consistently gets mismatches, he may need to re-evaluate, but that’s true for anyone.

Timothy may be a “confirmed bachelor,” but that doesn’t mean he can’t find companionship and love. There are a wide range of lifestyle choices today. And with an online dating site, Timothy is all the more likely to find someone who matches his.