Relationships

How many of us have ended a relationship and thought, “Wow, I should have done that a long time ago”? No one likes to be dumped, but it can also be stressful when you’re the one who wants out of a relationship; there’s typically a lot of second-guessing, a lot of hand-wringing, and a lot of searching for “the right moment.” There’s no good position in a breakup; those who are being dumped feel powerless to control the situation, and those who are doing the dumping are gambling that they’ll be happier apart, which is not always as cut-and-dry as you might think.

Even when we’re just starting a relationship, we’re faced with many of those same stresses and big decisions. Unless you’ve mutually fallen in love at first sight - which rarely, if ever, happens - both partners make several conscious decisions to pursue the relationship. For example, you decide to go on a second date. You decide to stop perusing online dating sites for other people. You decide to make a go of things. Sure, it’s usually a little more romantic than that, but the decisions are made just the same.

So what do you do when your first date is just okay, but not great? What about a relationship that starts out fantastic, but soon a personality trait is discovered (like lying, or bigotry) that is an absolute game-changer? Suddenly you’re in the position to choose to end your relationship - and it’s not always easy.

First, remember that it’s good to really ponder such a decision. It’s affecting someone else as well as you, so it’s good that you’re not taking it lightly. And if this sort of thing happens frequently, you might want to make sure you’re not being unreasonably “picky” to avoid long-term commitment.

However, if you’re pretty sure that you’re not being unreasonable, there’s no sense in dragging out the relationship. It’s not kinder. The longer you’re in a relationship, the more attached your significant other will become. If you’re in a relationship and you’re not happy, it will certainly show in your demeanor, and you’ll both be unhappy. And remember: every day you spend together is a day where the two of you could be finding someone who really is a better fit. Why waste time for the both of you?

Whether you’re at the beginning of a relationship or one that’s well-established, if you know you’re not happy and it’s nothing that can be “fixed,” it’s kinder for everyone if you end it sooner rather than later. No one likes to be the bad guy, but no one likes to say, “Wow, I should have done this a long time ago,” either.

Day Eight of YourTango's online dating bootcamp tackles one of the most prescient questions for daters in the modern era: when is it appropriate to friend someone you met online? Social networking has taken over cyberspace, so sooner or later you're bound to be faced with the dilemma. To friend or not to friend? That is the question.

Dating coach Annie Gleason has the answer. "I think that you should wait quite a long time," she says. "Definitely don't friend somebody who you just met online."

Everyone you meet on a dating site is trying to put their best foot forward, so it's only natural that your first impression will be a good one. The initial emails are when all the best jokes are told, all the nicest compliments are offered, and all the most rapport-building sentiments are shared, but you won't know who that person really is until you take the interaction offline.

Gleason agrees: "You have no idea who this person really is," she says, "even if he's sending you incredibly romantic emails. Wait until you've met them in person." For the ladies, she offers this advice: "Wait until the man asks you to friend him, and then make your decision." If you're really anxious about friending a new paramour - regardless of your gender - err on the side of caution and wait until your new sweetheart raises the subject.

"I really recommend that you wait a long time," Gleason continues, "maybe six months, because most dating relationships end after one date, or three dates, or three months, or six months."

If you make it to the six month mark as a couple, chances are good that you're going to continue seeing each other. Prior to that, you risk having to go through dreaded status change - from "single," to "in a relationship," to "it's complicated," to "single" - and no one wants all their dirty relationship laundry aired in public. Feel free to friend once the relationship has reached a point of greater stability.

Before updating your Facebook relationship status, discuss the change with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Change your status to "in a relationship" too soon and you risk coming off as clingy, but change it too late and your new love may doubt the seriousness of your intentions. The safest way to avoid a Facebook crisis is to make sure you're both on the same page before announcing your new relationship to the world.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Seven (Part II)

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It may have been quite awhile since we were children, but there’s one lesson that probably any teacher or parent can confirm: when it comes to new activities, it will totally fail if you don’t have the right attitude. If we don’t want to learn how to bowl, bowling will not be fun, even if we have natural aptitude, even if it would have been fun on some other day. It probably comes as no surprise, then, that online dating is exactly the same way.

First, consider what dating really is: you’re meeting new people in the hopes of finding someone with whom you click. If you get along, well, at the least you might have a few more evenings of fun. In a best-case scenario, you find a new best friend, romantic partner and someone with whom you can share months and years of happiness. In a worst-case scenario, the first date falls flat. Maybe the potential match actually says something offensive. You’ll never have to see them again, and you might even get a good story out of it.

From that perspective, dating has a lot more potential to be fun than not. And the potential of meeting someone with whom you share a spark - well, that’s even exciting! You’re not entering a long-term contract, or getting a medical procedure done, and you’re getting out of the house and doing something fun. Why not be excited about dating?

For many, however, dating doesn’t represent fun and possibilities. Instead of seeing a fresh start after a relationship that went sour, they might only see failure. Instead of seeing a myriad of possibilities, they might see a needle in a haystack. And it’s a shame, because by entering the dating world “despite themselves,” they’re setting themselves up to be less successful.

Dating might not yield a successful long-term relationship right out of the gate; however, that doesn’t mean that it’s something to dread. As you set up your first dates, ask yourself what your attitude really is, and if it can be improved. After all, who would you rather meet on a date - someone who’s excited about the possibilities in life, or someone who’s expecting to fail?

Chances are, at some point in your life, you’ve probably wished your past existed in a vacuum. For some, their past is easier to run away from than others - they’ve moved around frequently throughout their life, changing towns, states or even countries. Most others, however, spend most of their romantic lives in one general area. As relationships and drama come and go, the ghosts of stories - or sometimes even solid, living people - linger around corners, over which to be tripped.

Now add a new partner who hails from the same area you do, and the chance of encountering a “memory” doubles. How do you handle baggage - not just yours, but that of your partner - in a classy way?

First and foremost, when it comes to your partner’s past, do your very best to curb the beast of jealousy and paranoia, especially if your partner is still on friendly terms with exes. Remind yourself: there’s a reason that relationship ended. No one understands the reasons better than your partner and their ex. However, if neither person did anything unforgivable during their breakup, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be on polite, or even friendly terms. As you well understand, there are many people you might get along with, but that doesn’t mean you want a romantic relationship with them.

That goes double if your partner and their ex (or you and your ex) have a child together. In that case, the most responsible, adult course of action is to make things as easy as possible for the child, as well as set a good example. Even if it’s your partner’s child, and not yours, you also carry this burden of responsibility. A child learns how to be an adult by observing the adults around her. By watching an amicable relationship with a new partner (you) who’s not jealous, he’ll learn to handle his own insecurities when he’s an adult.

Sometimes the memories and baggage you encounter is not so great. The key here is to avoid the gory details, unless it has direct bearing on your current relationship (like some kind of trauma). It’s good to be close and honest with your partner, but there’s nothing wrong with omitting something that you know would be painful or uncomfortable. And to be honest, the fewer details your new partner has, the less awkward it will be if you run into your ex while out and about.

For many, encountering baggage is likely, so you might as well be prepared for it. Still, that doesn’t mean it has to be painful, or something that gives you anxiety; just remember that the past is in the past. You may have baggage, but that doesn’t mean you have to have drama.

Everyone wants to know how to decrease the drama of first dates. YourTango is here to help.

Jenn Burton and Dina Colada, two experts who shared their expertise for YourTango's online dating bootcamp, counted down their top 20 tips for flawless first dates. We've already hit 1-7, so let's jump back in with tip #8:

8. Let him pay. Ladies, I know this is the 21st century and you want to prove that you can take care of yourself, but some traditions are traditions for a reason. If he offers to pay, let him. There's no obligation beyond the date because you accepted his offer to pay, and a lot of men find it a turn on to take care of their dates.

9. Limit yourself to two drinks. Drunk dates don't lead to second dates...it's as simple as that.

10. Thank him. Good manners never go out of style. Let your date know that you had a great time and you appreciated their company. It ends the date on a good note and leaves the door open for date #2.

11. Expose yourself, but don't get naked. A first date should be about getting acquainted with your mind and heart, not getting acquainted with your body. Keep the clothing on for now.

12. Savor the moment. Stay present. Don't talk about past relationships. Don't start picking out wedding invitations and bridesmaids dresses. Don't stay glued to your smartphone. Your date deserves your full attention.

13. Don't be a mannequin in a pretty red dress. Don't sit there like a dummy who has no thoughts or personality. Speak, listen, and don't be afraid to express your individuality.

14. Communicate, don't educate. Showing that you're smart is a turn on - showing off your smarts is a turn off. Keep it fun and flirty, and don't drown in boring facts.

15. Leave the soap operas at home on your DVR. Drama belongs on daytime TV, not on your day. Avoid the awkward conversations and save the potentially polarizing conversations for later.

16. Abstain from listening to your brain. Thinking is a plus at all times, but over-analyzing will get you nowhere. Tune into your heart and tune out the obsessive voices in your head.

17. Be a goddess. "Being a goddess simple," says Colada. "Be your awesome feminine self. Be present and receptive. Laugh and pay attention to your feelings." When you embrace your femininity, you allow him to embrace his masculinity.

18. When he pays for dinner, pay attention. Everyone loves positive reinforcement, so be sure to let your date know what they're doing right. Appreciation is always attractive.

19. Trust yourself. Listen to your intuition - it's wiser than you know.

20. Be sensual, not sexual. Sensuality leaves your date wanting more, and wondering what your next date will be like. Making someone fantasize about Date 2 is a nearly-foolproof way to guarantee that Date 2 actually happens.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Seven

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Eight

When you’re ready to be in a relationship, anyone is a potential partner - not just the profiles you peruse online, but the people you see in the grocery store, or at the movie theater, or the post office. You never know where or when you might meet someone who’s great for you, so it’s not uncommon for part of your brain to be on the alert all the time.

Understandably, your brain might have some issues adjusting when you do begin dating someone new. When part of your brain has been on red (love) alert for some time, how do you turn it off?

For some, it doesn’t just happen automatically. It’s not like a hotel room, where you can easily flip the “Do Not Disturb” sign when you feel like it. We’re creatures of habit. However, that doesn’t mean we should be a slave to our habits or our instincts! To a certain degree, we retrain our brains consciously - by ignoring that little voice that points out the person next to us in line isn’t wearing a wedding ring, or that the cute barista is probably flirting with us. Eventually, our radar cools down.

However, there’s something else to remember: just because you might not be actively looking doesn’t mean you’ll become blind. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with noticing someone attractive. There’s not even anything wrong with appreciating someone attractive (subtly, to yourself).

Remember: attraction isn’t just about some animal portion of our brains. Instead of worrying about stifling parts of our brains, an easier way is to focus on what we do have control over: choice. We choose to be with our partners. We’re not “meant to be,” and there are probably movie stars who are objectively more attractive. But you choose to be together. Focus on that, and your worries about shutting down the part of your brain that’s on the lookout for anyone available will likely fade away.