Relationships

Love is frequently described as a rollercoaster. The metaphor can be a little misleading - you shouldn’t spend all your time with your stomach in your mouth or around your knees, sweating and fearful. However, even the most happy, stable relationships still have their gentle ups and downs, or their surprising corners, as the couple pulls apart a little and rediscovers one another.

As time passes in a relationship, “rollercoaster” might not be as fitting a term as “mild water ride,” as theoretically your ups and downs resemble more of a gentle wave. You shouldn’t necessarily have that butterfly “thrill” in your stomach for years on end (even the rollercoaster gets a little less exciting after that long). This is fairly normal; however, if you’ve never really been in an established relationship, your expectations of your “amusement park experience” can be a little skewed. Could it be possible that you’re expecting too much or too little from your rollercoaster?

For example, some thrill-seekers have trouble letting go of their stomach butterflies. As time passes and the relationship begins to settle into a comfortable routine, they go into a panic. By communicating openly with their partner, some may find healthy outlets to liven things up together - new games or experiences. But for others, that isn’t enough, or there really is a disconnect in their and their partner’s expectations; sometimes it can lead to a breakup, or cheating.

If this sounds like you, ask yourself what you’re really looking for in a relationship. Is it the thrill of the chase? Were you dissatisfied in other ways, and the “excitement level” is just an excuse? It is possible that you just didn’t fit a partner that was the right fit; however, sometimes some deeper self-examination is required.

Others don’t expect a thrill ride at all. They’re ready to settle down into a long-term relationship, and they think that means one where excitement is absent altogether. They, too, are misguided - a relationship can be stable and healthy, but still have lust and excitement, especially at the beginning! Everyone knows that your “butterflies” lessen over time, so who wants to start out without any butterflies at all?

If you fall into this category, it may be prudent to ask yourself if you’re settling for something because you want to reach your goal of “being in a relationship.” There’s nothing wrong with making compromises in a relationship - all relationships have them - but you’re also looking to find someone with whom you are mutually happy. Are you depriving yourself because you think it’s the best you can do? Love isn’t just about excitement, but fun and enjoyment is certainly part of it.

Before you think you’ve gotten yourself into the wrong relationship, remember that not everyone is in sync all the time. The best way to figure out if you’ve gotten on the wrong ride is to communicate with your partner. More often than not, the two of you can simply regroup, choose a different line, and enjoy the new experience together.

The pressure's on for singles in Shanghai. The Chinese capital's fertility rate has dropped to just 0.79 children per woman, and now the city is desperate to encourage more young people to meet, marry, and raise a family.

The center of the city's dating scene is Shanghai Expo Park, where thousands of eligible young men and women gather in hopes of meeting their matches. 38,000 singles and parents attended a June 1st matchmaking event in the park, hoping to revive a marriage rate that is expected to fall 17% this year.

Shanghai is China's richest city, largest port, and a leading financial center in the country. It is also the center of waves of social changes that are sweeping the nation. An urban shift is shrinking the pool of factory workers who sustain economic growth in the country, while the ranks of the elderly - who increase healthcare and pension costs - are on the rise. City-dwelling citizens with higher education levels and a greater focus on their careers are marrying later and having fewer children, causing the Shanghai birth rate to drop to half the national level.

These shifts have caused major changes for Chinese women, who have become a larger, and increasingly educated, percentage of the population. "In the past, women were match-made by their parents," says Juemin Zhou, director of the Shanghai Matchmaking Trade Association. "Then, it didn't matter how old you were, or if your partner was blind in one eye, you still had to get married. Now, if you don't find someone suitable, you just don't settle."

Gong Haiyan, co-chief executive officer of Jiayuan.com, China's largest online dating agency, reports that women's expectations of potential partners - like owning a house - have now skyrocketed. "The first thing they look for," said Hansen Huang, a male attendee at the matchmaking fair, "is if you have a decent job, what is your salary like, if you have an apartment. Women are looking for a partner who can provide so they can live relatively comfortably."

In spite of these shifts, many Chinese citizens remain traditional. A young bride is still considered ideal, and women who wait too long to settle down many be considered "leftovers." "Women can be very picky when they're young," said Huang. "But if you don't sell when it commands the highest value, you may miss the golden opportunity."

The pressure to wed may be high, but Shanghai is doing its best to respond: about 2,000 couples were successfully matched at last year's event, a figure that bodes well for this year's fair.

Sometimes, dating can be an exercise in learning patience. Some dates are better than others, but have you ever stopped to think about a bad date, and what might have gone wrong? Maybe you ended up fighting, or criticizing each other over your choices or preferences. If it happens often, you may wonder why you're meeting such jerks.

Sure, it's easy to blame the other person - you can come across people who are dishonest, rude, critical, or otherwise unappealing to you when you're dating. But in every exchange, you also play a role. Is there something you could have said or done differently?

I'm not advocating giving someone a chance who you clearly didn't get along with, but I do think it's a good idea to assess yourself and your own behaviors if you find repeating patterns, like antagonistic dates.

Following are some questions to ask yourself:

Do you tend to find fault with your dates? Maybe the date started off well enough, but then you started observing his lack of manners, or the way he interrupts you, or a million other things he could have done wrong. Instead of keeping a mental count of all of his transgressions, try easing up and going with the flow. If you let go some of your judgments, you'll be in a better place to enjoy the date rather than building up frustration.

Do you find reasons it won't work? Maybe you've been hurt before and are looking for reasons why any new relationship won't work. If you pick fights with your dates or look for problems, you won't get anywhere. Having an armor while you look for love is a self-defeating process. Vulnerability is eventually required for any intimacy to happen.

Do you jump to conclusions? Perhaps you're expecting your dates to criticize you or do something wrong. If they say something that doesn't agree with you, or make an off-handed comment, or get flustered, do you go immediately on the offensive? Instead, take a step back and give them the benefit of the doubt - dates can be nerve-wracking and not everyone deals well with nerves. Get to know him first before making assumptions.

Wondering how to stop? Try these steps:

Recognize your defensiveness, triggers. If you know that discussions of politics or questions about your family or recent divorce usually send you into a tailspin, avoid it in the beginning. Know what your triggers are.

Pay attention to your body language. Body language communicates more than we realize - it allows us to draw conclusions about someone regardless of what they say. For instance, do you tense up when you're nervous or upset? Do you avoid eye contact? Do you clench your fists? These gestures convey a sense of discomfort and defensiveness on dates. Understand your body's cues - then unclench and take a few deep breaths to gather yourself so you remain calm and don't just react.

Think about the other person's perspective. It's not all about you, especially when it comes to relationships. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Would you tolerate your behavior or judgment if you were him? Is there something you could do differently?

Not all dates are going to be great. But taking these steps ensures that you're giving the process your best shot. There's no room for blame in dating.

We hear all the time that the “perfect” long-term partner is someone who is a “best friend.” For the most part, that’s absolutely true; this is the person who will be making those cross-country moves with you, the one you will see almost every morning, the person who might be a co-parent or co-caretaker. They’re your roommate, and the person with whom you share your burdens, financial and emotional. If they aren’t your absolute best friend, they’d better be pretty high on the list!

Still, that doesn’t mean that they need to be your only friend. Even in the most solid of relationships, everyone needs an outside perspective every now and then. Maybe your significant other doesn’t like your favorite TV show - so why not enjoy it with a friend? Maybe you’re feeling insecure and you need someone objective to talk you out of your silliness. Maybe you’re naturally an extrovert and you just like being around more than one other person. No matter how great your relationship is, there’s always room in your life for more friendship.

The problem is, there are many stages in a relationship where people can fall into bad habits that ultimately limit their friendships. The first hurdle comes right away, in the very beginning of the relationship: you begin to spend all your available free time with your new love. This is natural and normal; infatuation is intoxicating. At some point, however, as you become more secure and comfortable, you have to come up for air and reconnect with your pre-existing friends. True, things might not be exactly the same anymore as there’s someone new occupying a large space in your life, but failing to make the effort to find a “new normal” could mean you drift away from your old friends.

Now let’s say you’ve found your “new normal” with your old friends and you’re established in your relationship. That doesn’t mean that you’re clear of all potential friendship hurdles! What about making new friends? Many people have found that making new friends can be a little more difficult when they’re part of a couple. “I feel strange making friends with women who aren’t the wives of someone I already know,” says Tim. “I worry that my girlfriend will be jealous. And even when she makes friends with a new woman, sometimes I just feel territorial... like, is this someone I’m going to have to spend a lot of time with? It’s just easier to stick with our old friends.”

While it’s easier to spend time with another couple, you shouldn’t necessarily think as a unit when it comes to making new friends. Again, you have different interests and facets to your personality than your partner. Why not make friends that reflect those other sides of you? It’s great to be in a solid relationship, but that doesn’t mean you should become co-dependent.

A romantic relationship is great, but it shouldn’t necessarily be the only close relationship you have. As you begin dating and even finding the match for you, take care to ensure your friendships - both old and new - find a place in your life as well.

Singles flock to online dating for different reasons. Some have busy schedules that don't leave time for traditional dates. Some are too shy to approach potential dates in person. Some are searching for something very specific, some are looking to broaden their horizons, and some are just curious.

But there's one thing they all have in common: each one is looking for love.

Day Ten of YourTango's online dating bootcamp is dedicated to finding that lasting love. Flings are fun, but what you're really looking for is something - and someone - special. Here are a few signs you've found long-term relationship material:

1. There's no stop and go. Communication online isn't known for being consistent. One minute things will be going great with someone, the next minute they'll disappear and you'll never hear from them again. When that doesn't happen - when communication is both frequent and regular - there's a good chance you're the only person your paramour is talking to, and they're taking their budding relationship with you seriously.
2. You email about the little things. The big things are important - that's how you get to know each other - but when little things start to feel important too, you know you're on the right track. If you can't wait to tell your honey about the funny thing that happened to you at the post office, and you're just as excited to read their silly stories, you've found someone who makes even the most insignificant parts of life amusing, and that bodes well for your relationship.
3. The serious things aren't serious. The reverse is true, too. Making the boring things fun is a great trait in a mate, but so is making serious things seem less serious. Some parts of life are just plain ugly, like a parent's wandering eye, an uncle's alcoholism, or a cousin's jail time. A partner you feel comfortable sharing those things with, and who helps you see the light within the darkness, is worth holding onto.
4. You've met the same number of people. You're on the same page, numerically speaking, when it comes to your dating habits. You've both met 4 people from the Internet in person in the last three months (or 5, or 15, or 30...). If you've met about the same number of people, it means that you're equally selective. "You both require the same amount or type of information from someone before committing to meeting them in person," says YourTango Singles Warehouse. "That sameness in judgment when it comes to online dating probably translates to judgment in other parts of life."

For more ways to tell if your online match is really for you, check out the original post here.

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In general, I would encourage most people to use online dating sites - there’s pretty much no downside. However, there is such a thing as jumping back into the dating game too soon. We’ve all probably been there to some degree: a relationship ends in a heated argument. Upset, you think to yourself, “I’ll show them! I’ll find someone else, someone better!” And you create an online profile, or have a one-night stand.

The problem is, an online profile is not the same thing as a one-night stand, unless you’re specifically looking for one-night stands (which aren’t particularly recommended in any case). Think of it this way: a relationship started through online dating goes through a certain amount of back-and-forth before you ever meet. You write emails, you learn about one another. Do you really want to put that much time and effort - and essentially waste the other person’s time - for a relationship that you know is simply a rebound?

Depending on how invested you were in the last relationship, the amount of time it takes to heal from a broken heart varies. Some people are ready to start again in a few days; for others, it’s longer. Don’t push yourself, or allow others to push you, into something you’re not ready for. Half of finding a good match is all about timing - that you’re ready to appreciate and enjoy one another, and that you’re at a similar place in life. What’s the point of finding someone great when you’re occupied thinking about someone else?

At the same time, just perusing an online dating site can help you get back on the horse and climb out of the depths of despair. You don’t have to create a profile or start emailing to do a few custom searches and see that there are plenty of fish in the sea. So many convince themselves that they’ll “never find anyone better” than their ex, but they’re just lacking a little perspective. Online dating sites can offer that.

So if you’ve just come out of a painful breakup, there’s nothing wrong with turning to online dating sites as a way to dip your toe back into the dating pool - but think carefully before you start any relationships. The object is to end pain, not inflict it on someone else. And when you’re really ready, you’ll be able to get a running start.