Do You Get Defensive With Your Dates?

Sometimes, dating can be an exercise in learning patience. Some dates are better than others, but have you ever stopped to think about a bad date, and what might have gone wrong? Maybe you ended up fighting, or criticizing each other over your choices or preferences. If it happens often, you may wonder why you're meeting such jerks.

Sure, it's easy to blame the other person - you can come across people who are dishonest, rude, critical, or otherwise unappealing to you when you're dating. But in every exchange, you also play a role. Is there something you could have said or done differently?

I'm not advocating giving someone a chance who you clearly didn't get along with, but I do think it's a good idea to assess yourself and your own behaviors if you find repeating patterns, like antagonistic dates.

Following are some questions to ask yourself:

Do you tend to find fault with your dates? Maybe the date started off well enough, but then you started observing his lack of manners, or the way he interrupts you, or a million other things he could have done wrong. Instead of keeping a mental count of all of his transgressions, try easing up and going with the flow. If you let go some of your judgments, you'll be in a better place to enjoy the date rather than building up frustration.

Do you find reasons it won't work? Maybe you've been hurt before and are looking for reasons why any new relationship won't work. If you pick fights with your dates or look for problems, you won't get anywhere. Having an armor while you look for love is a self-defeating process. Vulnerability is eventually required for any intimacy to happen.

Do you jump to conclusions? Perhaps you're expecting your dates to criticize you or do something wrong. If they say something that doesn't agree with you, or make an off-handed comment, or get flustered, do you go immediately on the offensive? Instead, take a step back and give them the benefit of the doubt - dates can be nerve-wracking and not everyone deals well with nerves. Get to know him first before making assumptions.

Wondering how to stop? Try these steps:

Recognize your defensiveness, triggers. If you know that discussions of politics or questions about your family or recent divorce usually send you into a tailspin, avoid it in the beginning. Know what your triggers are.

Pay attention to your body language. Body language communicates more than we realize - it allows us to draw conclusions about someone regardless of what they say. For instance, do you tense up when you're nervous or upset? Do you avoid eye contact? Do you clench your fists? These gestures convey a sense of discomfort and defensiveness on dates. Understand your body's cues - then unclench and take a few deep breaths to gather yourself so you remain calm and don't just react.

Think about the other person's perspective. It's not all about you, especially when it comes to relationships. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Would you tolerate your behavior or judgment if you were him? Is there something you could do differently?

Not all dates are going to be great. But taking these steps ensures that you're giving the process your best shot. There's no room for blame in dating.