Relationships

I sit across the table from my favorite couple, Kate and Alex. They’ve known each other for over a decade, and been together nearly that long. They seem to be able to read each other’s mind, and I mention it. They glance at one another.

“I don’t think it’s that we can read each other’s minds,” Kate says. “It’s more that we almost think the same way. We had similar experiences growing up, and then since we’ve been together we’ve seen almost all the same movies and television. We’ve told each other the same stories about our childhoods. We’ve experienced life together. So sometimes we come to the same conclusions - separately, but at the same time. He’ll make a joke I was about to say.”

“So it’s pretty surprising when you consider that for the first few years we were dating, Kate felt like I was some sort of alien,” Alex says, smiling.

“Oh, it’s true!” says Katie. “We had a spark right away, and common interests, but it certainly didn’t feel like I was talking to someone who even thought in the same language I did. How he handled arguments, approached problems, even cleaned the house was completely unlike anyone I’d ever encountered. And he thought I was just as weird. Sometimes we’re still reminded that we approach situations very differently.”

“So what changed? How did you stay together?” I ask.

Alex shrugged. “Sometimes I wasn’t sure we would. Our relationship has always seemed kind of easy compared to some, but when I really think back and remember, we were constantly learning, adapting, adjusting. Communication is huge. And mutual respect - to understand that your way isn’t always the best way, that the other person might be stronger in certain areas.”

Kate nods. “So many people think that finding their ‘match’ means that they instantly become - well, like this,” she says, gesturing at herself and her partner. “But we weren’t like this at the beginning - and some days we still aren’t. We just took our relationship one day at a time like everyone else. And we’re not perfect, but now we’re pretty familiar with our strengths and weaknesses, and we’ve chosen to stick together.”

Alex nods. “Maybe that’s why some relationships seem easier over time. Not even so much understanding as familiarity,” he says. “We still don’t think the same way - but I know her well enough to know how she does think, regardless.”

Confession #1: I am guilty.

I will be the first to admit that the prospect of acquiring a partner and acquiring that partner's debt is a little scary. I attended one of the most expensive private universities in the country - it's terrifying contemplating my own debt, much less my debt combined with someone else's.

Years ago, when a new date confessed he was multiple tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt, I could feel some of my excitement about him evaporate. It was like someone instantly started lowering the volume on my attraction knob.

Confession #2: His debt never affected our relationship, which turned out to be a long and very happy one. Although it ended up being a total non-issue, I still remember how I felt when those words first came out of his mouth. It may not have been one for me, but is debt a dating dealbreaker for others?

eHarmony paired up with CreditCards.com to answer that question. Here's what their study revealed:

• 65% of men and 71% of women agreed that sharing the same attitudes towards managing money is the most important factor in a relationship.
• 48% of men and 57% of women say debt is a turn-off in a partner.
• Keeping credit card debt a secret is a breakup-worthy offense to 54% of men and 70% of women (that's the same percentage of women who would breakup with a partner if they found out he had a criminal history).
• The most common arguments for couples are about money, say 71% of men and 75% of women.
• Would you pool your money with a partner if you thought he or she was irresponsible with finances? 72% of men and 80% of women say "No."

That sounds like a whole lot of bad news, but don't fret - there are a couple of lights at the end of the tunnel. Debt may be a deal breaker to some, but it's not the most serious offense a partner can commit. Most men and women think a criminal history and cheating are bigger reasons to break off a relationship.

Most Americans also believe that a partner's spending habits can be changed. 69% say it's ok to insist that a partner alter his or her spending habits. Looking at it by gender, 70% of men and 68% of women think they should try to influence a partner's monetary decisions.

When it comes to money matters, money matters. Be honest with your partners and make sure you're on the same financial page.

While many daters are looking for long-term love, some are afraid of it. After all, love requires us to be vulnerable - to let our guards down so that we can become intimate with someone else. This takes courage.

Are you afraid of becoming too close to someone? What happens if you're rejected, or if you are more in love with her than she is with you? Or perhaps you fear losing your independence. Being in a relationship means that you share important decisions, schedules, and even finances. It is no longer just you in the equation. Being single is liberating and fun, so why would you want to end it?

While I don't deny that some prefer living a single lifestyle, many people who are commitment-averse can't get past their fears. They want to be in a relationship but the prospect that things could go wrong, that it could end, is too big a risk.

So how do you move past these fears so that you can find love? It isn't an easy thing. Most of us share similar fears - we don't want to be rejected or hurt. But keeping yourself protected means that you won't get past these fears. Just like with any career or life goal, you have to decide to take some risks to get what you want.

But feelings of insecurity and doubt can run deep, especially if your past hasn't exactly gone smoothly. If you've been through a terrible divorce, or come from a broken family, or your last few relationships have ended badly, it's easy to be doubtful that things will be different in your next relationship. But you can't only focus on the past and make all of your decisions based on history. Neither can you make good decisions worrying about what will happen in the future.

Taking risks means taking small steps forward towards your goals in the present, without worrying about the future or dwelling on past mistakes or experiences. If you want your current situation to change, you can't wait for a sign or for future circumstances to be perfect. You have to take those small steps, each day at a time, right now, even if you're still scared.

This means asking a woman out, not just to have sex, but with the intention of seeing where it goes - of going out again. It means going for men who are kind and giving and strong, rather than those who are looking for help or keeping you at a distance. It means focusing on the prospect of being happy with someone in a relationship, instead of thinking about all the potential problems that might come along.

Commitment isn't the end of freedom and happiness - it can lead to deeper levels of both.

Imagine this: you’re walking down the street and you see someone you find attractive. You’re both at the venue for your favorite hobby - a concert hall, a museum, a motorcycle shop - so you know you might have common interests. And the object of your interest appears to be single. You approach them, and blurt out, “You’re so beautiful. I mean, hey, nice muscles! I mean, has anyone ever told you you’re really hot? Because you totally are.”

If you think this might sound a little strange, and possibly not the most effective way to get a relationship going, you’re not alone. However, when it comes to online dating and first-contact emails, many people - of both genders - feel this is an entirely appropriate and smooth way to kick off a conversation.

Some people think that there are different rules of etiquette and interaction on online dating sites than there are in person, but that’s really not the case! If you wouldn’t say something in person, chances are it’s not going to work on the page either. There’s no trick to a first-contact email; you’re just saying hello, maybe making a comment on something interesting about the profile (preferably not related to the hotness quotient of the recipient) and asking a question to get the conversation going.

When writing an email or even a profile, try reading it aloud. Are you having to stop for a sip of water before you’re through? It’s probably too long. Are you unable to read it without blushing at the steamy language? Perhaps it’s inappropriate for the pre-relationship stage. Reading your writing aloud can also help you catch typos and awkward phrasing that might otherwise slip by unnoticed.

Just remember, an online conversation is virtually the same as one you’d have in real life. You don’t need to think too much about it, and you don’t need to turn into some Casanova or coquette - that will probably be more off-putting than anything. The phrase “be yourself” might be overused in dating, but when writing something online, being natural is your best bet.

Does the idea of approaching a beautiful woman in a bar make your heart race? Do you tend to freeze up if the hot guy in line next to you at Starbucks strikes up a conversation? If you're more the shy type when it comes to talking to total strangers, you're not alone. Unfortunately, this shyness doesn't help when it comes to your love life.

Meeting people for the first time requires a confident approach and a little flirtation. You can't take yourself too seriously or you'll get stuck on what to say or do.

Flirting comes naturally to some people, but it can be terrifying to others. The thing about effective flirting however, is that it is a learned skill. With some practice and courage, anyone can become an expert - or at least be able to approach someone attractive with confidence.

The first step in acquiring this skill is to practice. You might fail many times, but the trick is to learn what went wrong and try to do it better the next time. Following are some steps to take in practicing your flirting skills:

Gather your support system. If you need a friend to accompany you and build your confidence, then do it! If you prefer to hire a professional matchmaker who can take you out and show you what to do, then don't hesitate. The key is starting with the appropriate mindset and having a good support system in place to help you along.

Make the first move. Nothing will happen if you don't put your fears aside and have a little courage. Remember to think of flirting as practice for dating. You're not looking for the love of your life, you're improving your skills. The more you gather your courage and approach new people, the less the experience will intimidate you and the better you'll be at it.

Don't fear rejection. Of course when it comes to love and attraction, not everyone clicks. So don't take it to heart if someone isn't into you. Just politely excuse yourself and move on to someone else. There's no point in being embarrassed. Rejection happens to all daters, male and female alike, so don't take it personally.

Don't over-think what you're going to say. You've gotten past the first approach and have a woman's attention, but now you don't know how to carry the conversation. Instead of racking your brain or panicking about what to say next, remember - this is just practice. Keeping the exchange light and fun involves you not overthinking everything. If you say something you regret, just make a joke about it and move on. Or try again with the next person you meet. Take the pressure off.

Practice makes perfect. The old adage is true. The more you practice your flirting skills, the better you'll become. So don't sweat it.

“Stan” recently decided to give online dating sites a try. A week or two after he’d created his profile, I asked him how things were going.

“Not great,” he said. “I know part of it is my own fault... because I haven’t actually contacted anyone.”

“Well, it is more difficult to meet anyone if you wait for them to come to you,” I agreed.

“It’s just that, whenever I find someone I’m interested in, the site tells me we’re not compatible due to our preferences! Like I’m 5’9”, and she’ll specify 5’10” or taller. Or I make less money than she’s looking for. Or I have a dog and she only likes cats. It seems like there’s always something.”

Stan’s problem is not uncommon. Even when someone is interested in the self-summary section of an online dating profile, they’re often discouraged by the preferences section - the cold, hard, unyielding statistics.

Little do they know, the figures often seem much more unyielding than they actually are. For many people, that section is the equivalent of dreaming up their Prince or Princess Charming. Do they absolutely expect to meet a person who meets every one of those requirements? Not necessarily. Would they turn down someone who was perfect except for the fact that he owns a dog and not a cat? They’d probably at least respond to the email, if not give a date a shot.

However, they’re not going to be matched up with Stan automatically, because the computer will rule him out. Thus, these women will probably not come across his profile on their own... unless he contacts them first.

“Tell me,” I said to Stan, “Did any of these women spell out those requirements in the actual body of their profile?”

“No,” he said, “but maybe they just wanted to avoid redundancy.”

“Possibly,” I allowed. “But if you had just based everything on the written profile, do you think you’d have a shot? You have common interests, you think you might be compatible?”

“Well, yes,” he said. “I think I’d at least have a shot.”

“Then just email them!” I said. “What’s the worst that could happen? If you’re really not what they’re looking for, they probably just won’t respond. Even if it was a worst-case scenario and they responded with something mean, well, that’s not someone you’d want to date anyway. It won’t hurt your chances overall, and it could only help them.”

As you sit down to peruse online dating profiles, ask yourself: are you holding yourself back from contacting someone you’re interested in? How much weight do you give those preferences? And what have you got to lose by dating someone outside your ideal boxes?