Relationships

I've never been a fan of long-distance relationships, but I have friends for whom this has worked well. Sometimes, we can't control where school or work takes us, and we can't always have the luxury of seeing our boyfriend or girlfriend as often and spontaneously as we want.

If you find yourself facing the prospect of a long-distance relationship, here are a few things to keep in mind to make it work:

• Skype or videochat. Technology is bringing us all together now---instead of calling and hearing your loved one's voice, you can log in to Skype or iChat and see them virtually. It's much easier to feel connected when you're regularly seeing them, even if it is online.

• Have a plan. If you're away at school for two years, at least you have an end date to work with and can live apart for a predetermined amount of time. If you have a job with no end date in sight, you may want to have a conversation to set a timeline for you both to end up in the same city. If one or both of you refuse to move, there is a bigger conversation worth having...perhaps it's time to let the relationship go.

• Schedule regular visits if you can. Some people live a car ride away, while others might have to hop on a plane which can get expensive. Figure out your budget and try to schedule regular trips, whether it's every two weeks or once every two months. Also, share the burden and alternate who's commuting.

• Live your own life. Sure, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but there comes a point when it affects your life. If you find yourself checking his or her Facebook page all the time or turning down invitations with friends to wait for a call it may be too much. Cultivate your own friendships, get out and socialize, and do things you like doing. You'll be a happier and more engaging person when you do check in with your significant other.

• Communicate. This is the most important...if something is bothering you, please share it with your significant other. Nobody is a mind-reader, and the tendency for miscommunication when it's long-distance is high. If something isn't working, let your partner know.

Every now and then, I bop over to Oprah.com and see what's cooking in her relationship kitchen. While most of the content is pretty pedestrian, there's always something that surprises me. As I'm always looking for ways to improve my relationships while on the road to Mr. Right, the site recently published an article called Honesty is the Best Policy. It highlights ways and reasons people choose to be deceptive (and sometimes without even knowing it) and nine great ways to be loving in a more open and honest way.

We never want friends who will talk behind our back. That type of behavior never helps anyone and just feeds gossip and distrust. According to the article, we all want to have some "front stabbers" in our lives. Front stabbers are people who tell us to our face what we're doing wrong. They're the voices of reason when we don't necessarily WANT reason. All to often, we avoid the truth when we're looking for open, honest and loving relationships. Is that any way to build one, though?

According to the article, there are several reasons we choose to keep quiet when faced with challenges in relationships:

To be liked - we mistakenly believe being dishonest and not saying what we truly feel will make someone like us more. But they'll never like "us." They'll like who we pretend to be.

To feel superior - we can feel better about ourselves by holding a lesser view of those in our lives by not expressing how they could improve.

To avoid change - the status quo is always easier because we know our comfort zones.

To avoid being vulnerable - it's an uncomfortable feeling, so we keep quiet to avoid it.

To hide low self-esteem - if people don't know what we think, they can't look down on you for thinking it.

It's not hard to see that we avoid honest conversations because of the level of intimacy they entail. It's easy to be a jerk but much more difficult to be the bearer of hard-to-hear information with love and intimacy. The article offers these nine tips on how to become a "front stabber" from a warm and loving perspective:

Start with yourself - If you can't be honest about you WITH you, who can you be honest with? Start first with a secret you've been keeping and understand why you've been keeping it. Associate a positive emotion with the negative one and put your head on straight before discussing it.

Timing is everything - Don't start a "front stabbing" conversation without adequate time. Give yourself at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time and find a place where you can speak with a sense of privacy.

Start with love - According to Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert, he can predict 96% of the time how a conversation will end within the first three minutes. That means if you start with harsh words, the conversation will end harshly. Take the time to start your conversation with love so you put yourself in the best possible position to have it end with love as well.

It's no end-all, be-all - It's only your opinion. There are certainly other opinions. The best you can do is express how YOU feel, so let the subject of your "front stabbing" know that this is how YOU feel and others may feel differently.

Start with the "I" not the "you" - Being an effective front stabber is about sharing how you feel about someone's actions or behavior. Talk about how you feel and now about what the "you" is doing. This takes the pressure off of your partner and places a shared weight between you.

Converse - Once you've dropped your loving bomb, leave the door open for talk. Otherwise, all you're doing is launching ultimatums.

Be specific - No one "always" does something. If you can't give specifics about someone's behavior, maybe you need to hold your conversation until you can.

Follow-up - Let the subject of your front stabbing know that you're loving them and not judging them. When we choose to front stab, we do so because we want to see the person in front of us grow and make better choices that will add to their happiness, not to cause hurt. A simple follow-up let them know you care and you're not abandoning them.

Let's say you have an online dating profile. You've worked hard on your profile, and you've even had it checked over by an extra set of eyes. You're confident you're not sending the wrong messages. Furthermore, when you send out a first-contact email it's short, sweet and friendly, and doesn't attempt to move too quickly.

And despite the fact that you seem to be doing everything right, you're still only getting a small percentage of responses. After searching in vain for something you can improve, you're eventually forced to confront the truth: dating is, to some degree, a numbers game.

It can be a heard concept for anyone to accept. If you're doing everything right, why aren't they falling at your feet? Well, for one thing, dating is still subjective, sometimes based on the strangest of gut decisions. Even the most attractive stars will not be every single person's cup of tea; for us mere mortals, it's all the more difficult.

Perhaps you're not doing too badly, on average, but “on average” means there are weeks when nothing goes your way. How can you avoid becoming burned out on the online dating scene? How do you protect your heart from getting too bruised?

Well, first you can accept the nature of a numbers game. You wouldn't expect to win a poker tournament every single time; if you wrote a novel, you wouldn't expect it would be wanted by every single publisher. In essence, part of it is developing a thicker skin.

The other part involves caring only to a point. Don't get me wrong, you don't want to send out tons of copy-and-paste emails to anyone who remotely matches your criteria. However, once you identify the interesting people and send out a short, personalized email... forget about them. Don't worry about it until you get a positive response. No sense working yourself up in the meantime, especially as you recognize the nature of a numbers game.

It can be a fine line to walk between caring too much and not enough. Still, attempting to follow these basic guidelines could improve your endurance to the point where eventually your patience is rewarded. After all, though dating can be exhausting and full of dead ends, it's possible you only need it to work out once.

The trouble with gay online dating? Choices. It's no secret that there's been huge backlash from the gay community on eHarmony's unwillingness to cater to same-sex couples. However, they've recently launched a new site "powered by eHarmony" exclusively for gay and lesbian relationships. If you're looking for a same-sex partner, the online dating sites can be trying to navigate since they're generally focused towards heterosexual couples. However, we've put together a list of four sites you might want to try if you want to delve into gay online dating. After all - you want to find a date, too!

CompatiblePartners.com: Powered by eHarmony, Compatible Partners is based on their no-search model and caters exclusively to the gay online dating community. Meant more for the person who is seeking a long-term relationship and something less casual, they deliver your matches straight to you and there is no searching. When you sign up, you fill out an extensive questionnaire and then the Compatible Partners system sends you matches based on that questionnaire and your personality profile. It's certainly not the least expensive gay online dating service, but eHarmony's platform and interface are enjoyed by a multitude of members. It might be worth a shot if you're looking for long-term and not just Friday night.

Match.com: It's true - the most popular online dating site offers options for gay online dating. With reasonably-prices membership plans (and always some sort of promotional offer going on), the sign-up process is simple and you control the searching and connecting. Their straightforward interface and broad membership base makes it a favorite.

Gay.com: With over 3 million members and more joining every day, it's one of the fastest growing gay online dating sites on the web. There are two membership types here: free and premium. The premium membership allows you access photos real-size as well as private and adult photos, grants extensive chat-based privileges and more.

Chemistry: Yes, this is the sister company of Match.com and it follows more of the eHarmony model - they bring the matches to you. They used to have a significant market advantage before eHarmony launched CompatiblePartners.com, but the premise is still the same: lengthy questionnaire, matches suggested each day based on your responses, no searching and geared towards those seeking long-term, committed relationships.

When we're serious about online dating, we search through many profiles, send off dozens of emails, and try to go on a lot of dates. Some are more fun than others. Some people we click with, and some we don't.

What happens if in this rush of dating as many people as possible, we overlook a potentially great candidate? What if we look back and remember his easy-going nature or contagious laugh and wonder...what if? Is there a chance we could have a second first date?

This is a tricky question, because in the world of online dating things move pretty quickly. He could have moved on, or he could have lost interest because you didn't really consider him the first time around. However, if you notice your old date's profile is active once again, there's nothing stopping you from testing the waters. Before you walk back down that road, here are a few things to consider:

• Be realistic about how things ended. Did you not respond to his emails or phone calls? Were you rude or direct about not wanting to see him again? If you let communication drop or somehow treated him poorly, don't expect a grand reception welcoming you back. Consider it a lesson learned and move on.

• Did you recently end a relationship? Sometimes when relationships end we look back through our contacts and reminisce. Although this helps in the short-term, I'd advise not contacting your old dates until you've had time to heal and truly gotten over your break-up. Nobody wants to be a rebound.

• Be open and honest. You've been on dates before that didn't go anywhere, so why are things different now? Your old date will want to know why you have a change of heart about him, so be prepared to respond.

• Be prepared to be rejected. Maybe your old flame is available, but he doesn't want to date you. Fair is fair, and he is entitled to avoid revisiting the relationship. Allow him this choice.

• Realize you might be disappointed. After all, you dropped him the first time around for a reason. Maybe the same traits that bugged you before are still there. Are you prepared?

• Have your dating choices evolved? Maybe you didn't see what a great guy he was the first time around because some of his other qualities weren't attractive to you, but now you're priorities have changed. Let him know you're interested and have the open, honest conversation about who you've become. If he's worth it, he will respect you for this and be willing to give things another chance.

When constructing an online dating profile, we typically try to appeal to as broad a range of readers as possible. We try to display all aspects of our personality: we like to go out on the town, but we also like to stay in and watch a movie. We like to have fun, but we don't need to be the center of attention.

We want to be the best of both worlds, but what do we do when we're actually a little more one-sided? What if you're terribly shy, and you really don't like to go out on the town? What if you're content to always be in the wings?

To put it simply, don't lie. Yes, you want to appear attractive, and maybe you think showing a “balanced” nature will help your chances of getting a first-contact email. However, what do you do when you're planning your first date? Or your second? When do you admit you fudged the truth on your profile – when you're having a panic attack in the middle of a club?

All misrepresenting yourself will do is add stress and ultimately add an extra hurdle in your relationship. So we've established you don't want to lie; what should you do if you feel you're not well-rounded enough?

Essentially, embrace your personality and interests – and play them up in a non-negative way. Don't say you don't know how to have fun; say you're not a party girl or barfly. Say you're most comfortable in an intimate setting – don't say you're uncomfortable in large crowds. Instead of saying you have no fashion sense, why not say it's quirky, eccentric? Better yet, explain that it's simply not important to you – and then talk about what is.

Ultimately, someone will love you for who you are, not who you're trying to be. Instead of trying to sort through fact and fiction, represent yourself accurately from the beginning, and you'll be that much closer to finding someone who is truly compatible.