Relationships

This week’s premiere of the new dating reality show “Dating in the Dark” lets contestants date potential matches without seeing what they look like.

Unfortunately, I don’t think the resulting show was as altruistic as the premise seemed to be. If you couldn’t see someone, would you be more or less conscious about what they looked like? Also, wouldn't you still consider looks a factor in measuring attraction?

In the first episode, we meet 3 single men and 3 single women. They are not allowed to see each other when they meet; all encounters are made in the dark. It seems that initial attraction would be based on conversation rather than looks, but this is not the case, at least with one contestant.

One of the bachelors (Joey) decides to feel Natasha’s waist during their one-on-one date to make sure she isn’t “too fat”. He goes on to tell her his anxiety about dating overweight women, and how his last girlfriend “blew up like a tick” after they started dating.

Joey comes across as superficial during the show, but I have to wonder how many others were just as concerned about what their dates looked like. It seems that because contestants couldn’t see each other, including mannerisms or facial expressions, it would be difficult to make a decision about whether there is a connection. Even when we online date, we look at pictures first.

Does dating in the dark work better in real life? I can see the potential of “getting beyond the physical” when first starting to date by not actually being able to see each other, but I think ultimately it’s just another distraction in getting to know a person. I don’t think a dark room helps us to better assess who they are, or to make a real connection.

A friend of mine has been having some trouble in the love department. She's met a guy, and he's sweet, trustworthy, and an overall good person. Luckily, she can recognize his positive traits. However, she wasn't sure whether she was, as she put it, “really attracted to him.”

The way she phrased it, and brought it up several times, puzzled me, so I began to question her. “Well, are you repulsed by him?” I asked.

“No, no!” she said. “Quite the opposite.” She was on vacation at the time, so I asked her if she missed the guy. “Well,” she said, “As I've been seeing the sights, I've been wishing he was here to see them, or I've been texting him pictures and stories, and I've been thinking that maybe someday he could come here and see them, too.”

“Have you been thinking this way about anyone else?” I asked.

“Well, no,” she admitted.

“Okay,” I announced. “You've lost me. I have no idea what you mean when you say you're not attracted to him or you're not sure you like him. It certainly seems like you are and you do. So what's missing?”

“You know,” she said. “That feeling, that you need that person like a drug.”

I looked at her out of narrowed eyes. “You're missing infatuation,” I said flatly. “Or something less healthy.”

Infatuation is a heady thing. It's those chemicals in our brain that make us think we've found our one true love. Sometimes when we're infatuated we live on adrenaline and hormones and forget about things like eating and common sense. It can be quite the wild ride.

You can also be infatuated with someone completely wrong for you. It really has very little to do with whether or not you have true “chemistry.” And some people, perhaps, become addicted to the infatuation itself, and seek it out instead of a lasting relationship.

Here's the thing: no matter how wild the ride, you'll build up a tolerance to those chemicals. The infatuation will fade, and your relationship will now have to be based on whatever else you've built. Also, in my opinion my friend was comparing her levels of infatuation to the most suffocating relationships she'd ever experienced – those Romeo and Juliet-style obsessions in the teen years, when we're basically comprised of hormones and brain chemicals.

As you evaluate your relationships and your chemistry, ask yourself: Do you need infatuation? Are you hooked on those heady first months? And what does a relationship really need?

Do your friends ever wonder why you don't make it past the first or second date stage? It's entirely possible that you're being your own worst enemy. Self-sabotage comes where we least expect it and sometimes it's our own doing! Here are seven tips to keep you on the road to dating success instead of sabotage:

1: Leave your day's frustrations at the door

If you're hung up on an argument with a coworker or the fact it took you 30 minutes to find your keys, you're bringing a bad attitude into your date. Take a deep breath and let it go before go time!

2: "Interviewing" too soon

If you're intent on drilling down into someone's "five year plan" on date one or two, dates start to feel like job interviews. It's a key reason someone might not call you back.

3: Seeing "single" as a problem

If you look at the fact that you haven't found Mr. or Mrs. Right as a problem, you might start shifting your personality around. When you do that, you're creating someone else and attracting the wrong type of person!

4: Forgetting to build your friendships

All too often, we get so wrapped-up in finding a mate that we forget our friends. Whether old or new, friends are there whether we're single or not and we need to focus on those relationships, too.

5: Going out in gangs

If you move out on the town for a night of fun, keep the groups small. Three is a great number, as people tend to not want to approach men and women hanging out in large groups. Keep yourself accessible!

6: Trying to impress others

If you focus more on what you think people want to hear instead of who you are, you're setting yourself up for failure. Nobody wants to date a Yes Man or Woman. Be yourself and say what you think and you won't have to worry about walking on eggshells when you find The One.

7: Getting overwhelmed with advice

Do you run out and ask 15 of your friends what you should do about this guy or that girl? Sure, we all need a little advice every now and then, but keep the questions for one or two select friends instead of everyone at the local coffee shop. It helps you focus on what's best for you instead of what other people might think is best!

It's said that "A picture is worth a thousand words," and while that may be true, it doesn't mean that you can forget about words altogether. Take a cue from the poets and playwrights who have captivated audiences for hundreds and hundreds of years - the word is a very powerful tool for capturing someone's mind and heart.

In "Effective Dating Conversation 101," I stressed the importance of asking questions on a date. But a conversation composed entirely of questions would be immensely tedious, so in this lesson it's time for us to discuss what to say (and what not to say) during the rest of the conversation. Let's start with one of the most important things you'll ever learn:

• Bring humor and a positive attitude with you wherever you go. This advice should be followed in all aspects of your life, at all times. A person who focuses on life's transient negatives is not a person that others want to be around. On the other hand, a person who brings energy, laughter, and light into others' lives is someone who will always be surrounded friends, family, and lovers. You will be a truly indispensable part of someone's life if you can ensure that they are happier with you than they are without you.

• Do not brag about what makes you a great partner. Confidence is incredibly sexy, but arrogance is not. It's as simple as that.

• Don't bring up former relationships. If you constantly talk about how wonderful an old relationship was, your date will become insecure and worry that he or she will never be able to live up to the precedent that has been set. If, alternatively, you talk incessantly about how bad a previous relationship was, your date will get the impression that you are a generally negative and jaded person who dwells on the past instead of looking forward to the future.

• Don't make critical or spiteful comments about others. Speaking negatively about other people highlights your lack of self-confidence, and your dates will judge you based on how you treat everyone around you, not just on how you treat your romantic partners.

• Have meaningful, intriguing conversations by:

a) Being honest always.

b) Continuously maintaining a high level of energy, humor, and flirtatious tension in the conversation.

c) Making your conversation partner feel that they are unique and important to you.

d) Ending the exchange before you've run out of things to say and your interest in each other has waned.

And finally, the most surprising rule of all:

• Don't fear silence. Silence is nothing to be afraid of, even if it feels awkward. Speaking too much can leave a bad impression, as rapid speech usually indicates that you are uncomfortable and insecure. Instead of feeling pressure to keep the conversation going, embrace silence as an opportunity to think about what you would like to say next, and revel in the fact that silence very well might mean that your date is too lost in thought about you to focus on the conversation!

If you spent hours crafting the perfect online dating profile, agonizing over each word and every punctuation mark, the thought of having to converse with a date in person probably feels tremendously intimidating.

Today I am going to let you in on a little secret: it doesn't have to be. Apply the lessons learned here, in Effective Dating Conversation 101, and you'll be ready to start wooing your dates with your words so skillfully that Shakespeare would be jealous.

I would like to start this course with a few lessons about questions: when to ask them, what to ask, and bad questioning habits you'll need to break. Take out your notebooks, students, and let's begin:

Lesson #1: Ask questions. You enjoy talking about yourself, I enjoy talking about myself, and I guarantee that every one of your dates will enjoy talking about his- or herself, too. Express sincere interest by asking meaningful questions that go beyond superficial inquiries like "Where do you work?" and "What do you do in your spare time?"

Lesson #2: Ask open-ended questions. If your query can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," consider skipping the question altogether. "Yes" or "no" questions stall conversations, while open-ended questions sustain them. Answers that require thought keep the dialogue going, and allow you to discover common interests and new topics of conversation.

Lesson #3: Ask follow up questions. Like open-ended questions, follow up questions extend the conversation and potentially provide the speakers new directions in which to take their discussion. Thoughtful follow up questions also indicate to your date that you are genuinely interested in who they are and the things they have to say.

Lesson #4: Save the big questions for a rainy day (or at least a future date). Though it's important to ask questions about heavy topics like politics and religion in order to determine your compatibility with a potential partner, hot-button issues are not ideal subject matter for the first few dates. It is also judicious to stay away from revealing the details (particularly the negative ones) of your past relationships and exposing any other skeletons that may be lurking in your closet when you're in the beginning stages of getting to know someone.

Lesson #5: Avoid turning your date into a job interview. While still showing interest in your date, be careful that you do not ask so many questions that your rendezvous begins to feel like a job interview. Rapid-fire questioning will overwhelm your conversation partner, and clichéd interview questions like "Where do you live?" "Where did you go to school?" and "What do you do for a living?" will bore them.

Now that you grasp the basic rules of asking questions on early dates, you're ready to move on to "Effective Dating Conversation 101: Part Two," where we will continue the discussion of the do's and don'ts of dating dialogue.

If you were to ask a twelve-year-old girl what she's expecting or wanting her future spouse to be, her response might go something like this:

“I want someone like that guy from that hospital TV show! Someone who's super-attractive, and a doctor, so he's really intelligent. And a doctor, so he makes lots of money. Someone who falls in love instantly the moment he sees me, and totally understands me. Oh, and he has to be funny!”

As children, we set the bar rather high. Boys do this too – not just girls. They have their own ideal combination. Then, as time passes, we begin to date. That twelve-year-old girl learns that the perfect doctor from the TV show might not exist, and even the actor playing the doctor is revealed to be a jerk. Is she sad? Of course not. She's simply altering her expectations to what works for her.

For example, let's say she realizes that she's pretty successful, so money might not be as much of an issue as she thought it might. Or maybe it's really more important to her that she connects on an emotional level with someone, so that “totally understands me” bit becomes more important in relation to everything else. One bad date makes her realize that similar politics are important to her. Looks? Not so much, though of course attraction is necessary.

Eventually, she meets a guy who fits her new, altered criteria. No, it's not mad love at first sight, but she's been around enough to know a great thing when she sees one. She can recognize what – and who – is worth pursuing.

This is why we date, and why we interact with people; we modify our early, “dream” versions of perfection to realize what and who is perfect for us. This is why there's no such thing as a complete waste of time when it comes to dating, as long as you're learning something.

So next time you're out on a date, even if it's not going well, ask yourself what you can take away from it for the future. And double-check: are your expectations reasonable and tailored for you, or are you still stuck on a cookie-cutter model? Being honest with yourself will help you recognize a great match when you see one – even if it's not a doctor from a TV show.