Relationships

I've been thinking a lot, lately, about the words and phrases we use in everyday life, and how they inevitably shape our expectations as we set out looking for love. Here's one that surprised me when I realized it: the somewhat cynical tone we get when we talk about established relationships.

I'm not talking about embittered single people – I mean everyone, from the people who've been married for decades to the twelve-year-old that hasn't yet dated. Talk about an established relationship, and we all start making dire predictions:

“When the honeymoon's over...” “Sure, he seems great now, but give it time, and all those things you love about him will be annoying habits you wish he'd break!” “The old ball and chain...” “When the magic wears off...” “I give them two years...” “When the infatuation wears off, that's when the real work begins!” “A good relationship is hard work.”

Gee, seems like fun! While most of these admonitions are probably designed to keep someone's head on their shoulders and their feet on the ground, in reality I've met a whole bunch of people who get into a good relationship and constantly wait for the other shoe to drop. When does the “real work” begin? Here's a habit I find mildly annoying... will it drive me insane ten years down the road?

I'm just another person, with just another opinion, but here's my take: the real work is finding, and recognizing, that great person. Will they be perfect? No – no human being is. And that's okay – you're not perfect either. Every person will do something that grates on you once in awhile. If your person's annoying tendencies are occasional, or just plain livable (ie, you can cope with squeezing from the middle of the toothpaste, you can't live with a racist), well then, there's no real problem. Any annoyance can be discussed with good communication.

Another random tip? Stay out of the sections of greeting card stores that basically do nothing but bash the opposite sex or the significant other. Some sitcoms do a pretty good job of this too. Once we stop thinking that genders come from different planets, we become a lot more willing to listen and figure out solutions.

In my opinion, a good relationship shouldn't be hard work. It takes maintenance – that is, constant communication, but is that really all that bad? Your significant other is the one you turn to when the rest of the world is rough; they're not the opposing team. And maybe it's possible, if you find the right person, the other shoe won't drop – ever.

One of the hardest parts of dating is the gamble that it might not work. To a certain extent, dating is a numbers game; it's unlikely that every single date will work out and lead to a happily ever after (and if it did, I'd be asking you why you continue to go on new dates!). We address this concern in popular culture; we try to make it obvious that not every date, or even every relationship, will work out – I know I've seen more than my share of merchandise with “cute” sayings about kissing many frogs before you meet a prince. Still, the knowledge that it's just “part of dating” doesn't take the sting out.

But maybe it shouldn't. Maybe we shouldn't try to immunize ourselves from the emotions brought about by meeting new people, people that could potentially be lifelong friends or more. Because if you're going to put yourself through dating, with all its ups and downs, why go halfway? Do you want to be caught with one foot out the door when you actually meet someone worthwhile?

Or perhaps the question should be: if you're not completely present, mind, body and soul, at a first date, will you even recognize a good thing if you see it? Imagine: you're someone who's had a fair amount of unsuccessful relationships, and even more unsuccessful first dates. Will you be spending your time listening to your date, determining if you really are compatible? Or, perhaps, you'll be trying to figure out what's “wrong” with your date before you're caught unawares. The slightest imperfections in your date become magnified, so that in case things go wrong you can tell yourself, “Well, I could never be with someone with such a large forehead, anyway.”

Taking the latter approach might save your feelings in the short run – but have you really come out ahead? What if there actually was nothing “wrong” with your date? What if you become so concerned about protecting your heart that you miss a chance to share it?

So maybe not all first dates and relationships work out. Maybe there's a sting every now and then – it's part of life. Don't let yourself become so numb that you miss out on something great.

I can't pick on the ladies without pointing out some of the mistakes men make while dating. Guys...if you've found yourself attracted to a woman only to have the relationship fizzle after the first or second date, there may be something you're overlooking. Instead of getting stuck in an endless cycle of first dates, it's time to make some positive changes to improve your dating life.

Following are some mistakes to consider and avoid:

Are you cheap? Most girls don't expect you to wine and dine them at expensive restaurants on the first date unless they are high-maintenance or looking for rich guys. However, men do score points for being chivalrous as well as generous. Don't examine the bill to split it down to the penny, or leave too small a tip. Offer to pick up the tab without wincing, especially on a first date. If things go well, you'll have plenty of chances for her to reciprocate.

Do you act nervous or insecure? This is a first date after all! There's nothing to lose, so try to relax and be yourself. Women are attracted to confident men, and we are most confident when we're comfortable. If you're feeling unsure, take her to a place you go often, so that you can feel relaxed in the setting.

Do you come across as arrogant? If you start listing off all of your business successes, houses, and exotic vacations in the first fifteen minutes of the date hoping to impress her, it will backfire. Women don't like to hear a list of reasons why they should date you; they like to feel a connection. Instead of listing all your assets to win her heart, engage her in conversation. Ask her about herself and what she loves to do, and let the conversation flow.

Are you bringing your baggage to the date? Don't start the date with stories about your crazy ex, or bad dating experiences in general. If you're still bitter or hung up on an ex, she will pick up on it. Plus, who wants to hear about an ex on the first date? Remember, you are meeting her for the first time, so leave your own hang-ups at the door to give a new relationship a chance to begin.

Do you consider yourself unlucky in love? If you have had a few dating disasters, or can't seem to get past the first date and into a relationship, maybe it's time to self-reflect. We could all use a little improvement and awareness when it comes to dating. After all, we want to attract the right man to us, right?

If you find yourself stuck in an endless cycle of first dates, consider the following:

Do you come on too strong? Women today are independent, strong, and successful. These are all wonderful qualities, but if you feel secure in yourself, you don't try to prove you are all of these things to the men you date. Instead of taking charge like you do at work, learn to listen and engage him as well. How else will you know if he's a good match? He isn't a client, he's your date.

Are you too needy? If you've had a great date and he hasn't asked you out again, don't call or text him several times hoping to get a response. If he is interested, he will call. If you find yourself falling for guys too quickly before you really know them, take a step back and keep your options open. Remember, you're entitled to date several guys at once until you decide to become exclusive with someone.

Are you too critical? Sometimes women can be critical or judgmental, especially when it comes to their dates. Before you dismiss a guy because he doesn't meet everything on your checklist, recognize that you probably don't meet everything on his checklist either. Try getting to know him before you judge him.

Do you have a bad attitude? Ok, so you've been hurt before. This is no excuse to write all men off as losers or deadbeats. There are plenty of nice guys who are ready and open for a relationship. These guys won't be interested in someone who prefers to concentrate on past wrongdoings. Leave your baggage at the door and come in with an open mind.

When we're single, we spend a lot of time constructing an independent life. After all, no one wants to sit at home while they're waiting to find a significant other, right? So we fill up our social calendar with... everything else. We acquire a social life that does not need romance.

Then we meet someone. And to our shock and horror, we discover that the bustling social life, that shining example of independence that might have helped the person's attraction to you in the first place... it doesn't actually have room for romance. What do we do now? Some might ponder what rearranging their schedule might mean – are they rearranging their lives for someone else? Are they really that independent, then? Some might chuck the romance portion out altogether, deciding that, yes, they really are that independent, and really don't need romance.

And maybe they really are. But others may miss out on romance because they're simply too stubborn to allow a new person to disrupt their lives. See, imagine a significant other – one that you want to stay with forever, in one way or another. This is, quite literally, incorporating a new person into every aspect of your life, from your daily routine to your choices when you cook dinner. Sometimes it works smoothly; other times it's an adjustment. In any case, your life has moved from “single” to “party of two.” It is, literally, a different life.

Thinking for two instead of one is an adjustment, to be sure – but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. We don't have to lose ourselves when we make someone else important, and shuffling our social calendar a little doesn't mean we'll lose our sense of self. We shouldn't bide our time, treading water until we find someone; absolutely not. Still, when we do find someone, it's only polite to pencil them in.

According to a United Kingdom dating site for cheating spouses 22 percent of their members attended private school. This is more than twice the national level. There study further revealed that 15 percent of members had attended a religious school. The dating site has over 500,000 members which equal about 2.5 percent of the married population in the United Kingdom.

For more on this story, read the press release.