Relationships

“Steve” has been frustrated with his online dating experience lately. When he first began and constructed his profile late one night, he didn't get very many responses. In fact, he didn't really get any. Then he learned a few tips to make his profile better, and voila! He began to get responses to his emails; in fact, he even went on a few dates.

It seemed like he had a “hot streak” going for a couple of months, but now it's been a couple more months and he hasn't had very many responses. He feels like he's moving backwards. What could be going wrong?

There are several potential answers to Steve's problem; maybe he hasn't actually updated his profile in months and people get turned off when they read that he can't wait for the snow season to end when it's July. Maybe he's gotten a little lazy and has started sending copy and pasted emails, which are as obvious as a form rejection letter.

However, let's assume that Steve isn't doing anything wrong, that his profile is just as fresh and witty as the day he began to get all those responses. What's happened?

In short, nothing. There might simply be fewer women on the online dating site at the moment who response to Steve's type. He might have better success at a different website, or on the same website in one month. Or tomorrow.

That's what's frustrating about online dating and dating in general: you can't always guarantee that there's a compatible person out there in the dating pool right this second, looking for someone just like you. Maybe right now the dating pool you've chosen is full of incompatible people. Maybe tomorrow that will change – or not. It's difficult when you want instant validation for your hard work, but you also have to depend, in no small part, on chance.

So what should Steve do? Well, as I mentioned before, maybe a change of venue is in order. Maybe he could try a different site, or take a break from actively emailing if he's really frustrated. However, Steve's already got the hardest part down – he's got a profile that will hopefully serve him well should the right woman come along. She might not come along today or tomorrow – but in the event that she does, he's prepared. And when you're dealing with chance, really, that's all any of us can do.

When we break up with someone, we separate ourselves physically, emotionally and mentally. For some, it's harder to move on than others. Healing after a break-up is hard work, and though some of us prefer never to see our exes again, others continue to wonder if there might be another chance in the future to make things work.

So, what happens if you get a second chance with a former beau?

Before you jump in head first, anxious to rekindle that old flame, you should ask yourself a few questions:

• How have you changed? Break-ups generally force you to grow in ways you didn't expect. You have a better sense of who you are and what you want from life. Instead of reverting back to old romantic patterns, take a hard look at who you are now, and whether the new you would be compatible with your old flame.

• How has he changed? Maybe he wasn't the best communicator, or perhaps he was a bit selfish. Think about why you broke up with him the first time around, and see if he is still exhibiting the same patterns. If you don't see a change in behavior, chances are you'll end up having the same conflicts.

• Recognize your own behavior patterns. Even if you feel like a new woman in the presence of your ex, do you find yourself falling into old habits? Maybe you were hesitant to express what you needed from him, or maybe you had a tendency to get jealous. If you find yourself triggered by these emotions again and falling into old patterns, reconsider getting back together.

• Why did you break up in the first place? If you couldn't compromise on your religious viewpoints, or if you broke up because you noticed disrespectful behavior or something more serious, you shouldn't assume he has changed. There was a reason you broke up before. If these differences still exist, it's probably not a good idea to engage again in a relationship.

• Do you have a future together? Even if you have amazing chemistry with a man, it doesn't mean he's right for you. It's important to discuss your goals and future early on, to make sure you're on the same page.

We're back with the next 5 commandments of online dating! Online dating has resulted in millions of successful relationships, but oftentimes searching for love online can seem as difficult as trying to read a 900-page novel in a language you don't understand. I can't teach you how to read the collected works of Dostoyevsky in the original dialect, but I can offer a few common-sense tips and stress-reducing guidelines for finding and forming successful relationships online. Let's jump right back in...

Commandment #6: Thou Shalt Treat Everyone With Respect

The Golden Rule applies to life online as well as offline: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It can be easy to forget that there are real people behind anonymous usernames and profile text, so make a conscious effort to treat everyone as kindly and respectfully as you would if you'd met in person. Handle rejection politely if someone is not interested in you, and do not simply cut off communication and fall off the face of the Earth if you're not interested in someone else. Be friendly, forthcoming, and honest about your wants, needs, and interests.

Commandment #7: Thou Shalt Show Sincere Appreciation For Others

One of the biggest mistakes online daters make is sending standard, one-size-fits-all messages to potential partners. You might think that your stock message says "Hey there! I saw your profile and I would love to know more about you," but what it really says is "I'm lazy and not actually very interested in getting to know you." Avoid falling into this trap by sending messages that reference specific, unique aspects of the recipient's profile, giving compliments that are not cheesy or clichéd, and asking questions that you are genuinely interested in hearing the answers to.

Commandment #8: Thou Shalt Maintain A Positive Attitude

There is absolutely nothing attractive about negativity. In fact, it's one of the biggest turn-offs out there! Don't write that you only joined a dating site because your friends harassed you. Don't write that your last girlfriend or boyfriend broke your heart and you're still depressed over the dissolution of the relationship. Don't write that you feel lonely and pathetic because you've been single for too long. Instead, attract the attention of other members by showing that you're upbeat, joyful, funny, and fun-loving.

Commandment #9: Thou Shalt Not Be Vulgar, Coarse, Or Offensive

This commandment is mostly for the men, but I know that ladies can sometimes be guilty of breaking it as well! Foul language and aggressive sexuality do not belong on online dating sites, unless the site is specifically intended for adult personals and finding no-strings-attached hookups. If you're seeking a serious, long-term relationship, sexually suggestive profiles and messages are almost always extremely ineffective.

Commandment #10: Thou Shalt Be Realistic

The world of online dating is not a mystical, magical, fairytale kingdom. Not every person you contact will be interested in you. Not every person you meet will be honest and trustworthy (and some won't even be real!). Not every communication will lead to an offline date. Not every relationship you begin will work out. Be rational and sensible and have realistic expectations, but be confident, optimistic, and open-minded, too. You just might find your "happily ever after" after all.

Online dating is a unique world, governed by rules, etiquette, and an ethical code all its own. Every thriving online dater knows that the key to success is a combination of real-world dating knowledge with awareness and comprehension of the factors that make online dating a distinctive, one-of-a-kind experience. If you're finding it difficult to navigate this complex and complicated world, you're not alone! Follow these ten fundamental tenets, the 10 Commandments of Online Dating that every online dater should take as gospel, and before long your nascent love life will begin to blossom.

Commandment #1: Thou Shalt Upload A Photograph

Research has shown time and time again that profiles with pictures receive more views and more messages than profiles that do not feature pictures. Declining to include a photo sends all the wrong messages to potential dates - Are you intentionally concealing your identity? Are you embarrassed by your physical appearance? Does the profile even belong to a real person? Prove that you are honest, genuine, and confident, even if you're not a perfect 10, by posting a photo that is flattering but not Photoshopped beyond all recognition.

Commandment #2: Thou Shalt Stand Out From The Crowd

A memorable username, catchy headline, and funny profile go a long way online. Study other profiles before writing your own. You will quickly notice that certain phrases like "My friends and family are very important to me" and "I like having fun" are everywhere. But they don't express your individuality, they don't tell other members anything about you, and, worst of all, they're just plain boring! On the other hand, if you're witty, unique, creative, and engaging, interest in your profile will dramatically increase.

Commandment #3: Thou Shalt Keep The Skeletons In The Closet

There is a time and a place for discussing previous relationships and the sordid or traumatic details of your past - and your online dating profile definitely isn't it. Save the serious discussions for later on, when you're in a stable, committed relationship in which you feel comfortable and respected. We all have baggage, but opening up about it too early on will frighten potential suitors away.

Commandment #4: Thou Shalt Be Concerned With Your Safety

The majority of online daters are honest people who, like you, are looking for love with a compatible partner, but that doesn't mean that you can let your guard down completely. Don't give your personal information to anyone you do not fully trust, and only meet dates in public places. Rely on your gut instinct always, and cut off communication immediately with anyone who seems suspicious.

Commandment #5: Thou Shalt Be Honest Always

If you expect others to be honest with you, it is only fair that you are honest with them. Don't upload photos that are old, not you, or doctored. Don't lie about details like your weight, occupation, education level, income, or marital status. Don't pretend that you are looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship if you're only interested in casual dating. False information and misconceptions are not a solid foundation for a relationship.

We're halfway there! Continue on to "The 10 Commandments of Online Dating: Part II" for the final 5 decrees of online dating.

When you're dating, it's easy to feel nervous when you meet someone for the first time, especially if you find yourself attracted to him. You want him to see you in the best light possible: as a confident, attractive and irresistible woman.

Here are some steps to overcoming your insecurities and putting yourself out there to attract the right man to you:

• Get out of your head. The problem is, when you spend your time and energy deciding what to say next, trying to look cool, or wondering what he's thinking about you, it's not only exhausting but unproductive. You're not really connecting with him because you're not in the moment paying attention to what is happening between you. You are too worried about how you appear to him, or if he'll ask you out again. A guy will sense if you're trying too hard or if you're not being yourself. This can be a turn-off for most.

• Be present. Instead of focusing on how you come across, be present on the date. Take it moment by moment instead of thinking ahead as to whether there will be a next date, or what he'll be like in bed, etc.

• Let down your guard. When you allow yourself to be a little more honest and vulnerable, you are better able to connect with a man. He will be more willing to let down his guard as well. Nobody wants to date the "perfect" person; they want to date someone who is real. If he doesn't respond well to the "real" you, then he's not the right man for you anyway.

• Let go of your need to control the situation. Life is about risk-taking, and so is love. You can't connect with someone if you're too busy trying to create an impression or deciding where the relationship will go. Let it unfold one encounter at a time. This way, you'll enjoy it more, too.

Let's say you're starting to become an old hand at this whole online dating thing. You've had your profile checked and proofread; you know to update it monthly to keep it fresh; you're smiling in a great, well-lit default picture. You're just positive your profile is as good as it can be, and you've got the etiquette of online dating down pat.

When you've invested so much time and effort into your online dating profile, it can be frustrating when you see people who are less skilled in the ways of profile creation. You might feel more like editing a profile than actually reading it! While it's good that you've become so confident in your own skills, you're treading on dangerous ground.

You see, on an online dating site you'll find people of all shapes and sizes, at different points in their lives... and at different points on the dating site learning curve. Everyone has to start somewhere. Sure, you know all the tips and tricks now, but would you have looked at your own profile when you first began?

This is not to say you should ignore your instincts and logic – if someone seems all wrong for you, they might well be. But if a person has a poorly constructed profile, or maybe just a few glitches here and there, try taking a look at the person behind the lack of proofreading. Sometimes a personality can shine through, even with a bad default picture or a rambling self-summary.

“But wait a minute,” you say. “I have had to work hard on my profile, and learn how to play the online dating game. Why should I expect any less of anyone else?” Well, ask yourself: when you were starting out, would you have liked someone to give you a break? Remember, you're looking for a partner, a best friend – not an editor.