Relationships

I know of a neighborhood that decided to rip out their old community pool. It had been empty for years; kids were using it as a skate park. They ripped it out, but they didn't do anything to it afterwards. Now there was a gaping hole without a history, that turned into a mud pit when it rained. I don't think anyone thought it was an improvement.

When we attempt to wipe our own history, we wind up with tons of these; useless holes in the ground that are much more conspicuous than what was there before. What am I talking about? Past relationships. Most of us have them, and we know it's supposed to be bad form to talk about them, especially on a first date. But are there times when not talking about them could be even worse?

Picture this: you're on a date, and the new flame asks you where you learned to roll your own sushi. Well, the true answer is that your ex signed you up for a cooking masterclass. Other than that useful masterclass, it's all you really remember about the ex; it was a brief, almost meaningless relationship. Now, what would be a more appropriate response? Option A: “Oh, it was a birthday present from an ex, years ago.” Option B: “It was a birthday present from... uh... this person... never mind, it's a long story, and not very important.”

Of course, the best option would probably have been to mention the class was a present and leave it at that, but let's assume you had gotten your foot halfway into your mouth already. Option A works because, even though you've mentioned an ex, you're calm and not flustered, and presumably you'll move on to another topic. The new date will not be reading in some non-existent drama. By being able to mention an ex, you've asserted that you aren't hanging on to any baggage.

Now, this does not mean you should bring up exes for the fun of it! All those old rules still apply. But in a long, winding conversation, it's not uncommon to go tripping around those empty, sanitized holes in your history. The question is, what will you do when you stumble into one? Knowing a few escape tactics never hurts.

So, you've decided to sign up for an online dating website, and you're not sure what to say about yourself.

No problem! The site you've chosen has tons of questions to answer about yourself. Sure, you've never really contemplated what you like to do on the third Sunday of every month, but now you realize that you like to sort out the comics section of the newspaper first and read it to your dog! You're writing down stuff you didn't even realize about yourself, and eventually you find your profile is so long that it takes ten seconds to scroll down completely. Perfect!

Well, the dating site might approve, because it likes when you fill in content. However, the readers out there might simply be looking for common interests, and maybe for something that sets you apart. They really don't need to know your life story, or the fact that you still mark your initials on the toes of your socks. They don't want to wade through contemplations on where your life is really headed to find out what restaurants you like.

So, how can you make your profile brief, but interesting and different? Well, you could start by answering the endless prompts that dating sites give you – but don't publish your rambles. Instead, pull out the red pen. Begin by deleting anything that isn't interesting or funny. If you think you might be too biased (hint: if you think everything you say is interesting or funny, you're biased), get a friend to help proofread.

Once you get a stack of interesting and funny bits about yourself, try combining them in different ways. For example, let's say that after editing, the ten things you can't live without has fallen to one. Rather than filling up the other nine with drivel or leaving it lonely, try working that factoid in somewhere else.

It's possible that you might wind up with some joke or trivia bit that simply doesn't fit in anywhere. That's okay – you can use it later in an email or in conversation. You don't have to put everything you have out there on this profile. I always say that a profile should be like the back of a paperback novel; you want the reader to be eager to learn more, but you don't want to give away the whole plot. After all, if you're successful, you'll have all the time in the world to talk about your socks.

If I asked you to name five traits that make a woman attractive, what would you say?

If I asked you to list five traits that make a man attractive, what would your answer be?

Attraction is extremely subjective, so I imagine that the responses will be tremendously varied. Some of you will answer that you prefer dark hair and intelligence, while others will be partial to redheads with sarcastic senses of humor. Some of you will be attracted to the "bad boy" and "party girl" types, while others will be looking for responsible, long term partners they can settle down with. Some will be partial to left-brained people, some will favor right-brained people. Some will like facial hair, some will not. Some will like tall women, some will not. Some will like creative, artsy types, some will not.

What I'm getting at is this: no matter how subjective attraction is, one trait will show up on almost every list. Confidence.

Desirable people, regardless of gender, are self-assured, courageous, and extroverted. They are willing to take risks and unafraid of making mistakes. They dream big and have the motivation, enthusiasm, and dedication it takes to make those dreams reality.

So how do you become that person? How can you boost your confidence and build your charisma so that you are the kind of person everybody wants?

1. Have realistic expectations. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is confidence. Set small, achievable goals and work towards them at a comfortable pace. If you've always been shy or socially awkward, it's ok to take baby steps and celebrate small successes. Evaluate your growth every couple of weeks, and set new objectives after reviewing your progress.
2. Fake it 'til you make it. That might sound like trite advice, but trust me - it's enormously effective. If you act confident, other people will believe that you are. And the more other people believe that you are, the more you will too. Though your faux self-assurance might feel contrived, embarrassing, and awkward at first, keep at it! As you begin to see the positive effects of your new behavior and fresh mindset, they will become increasingly natural responses.
3. Overcome limiting beliefs. Men and women everywhere are weighed down by negative thoughts about their physical appearance, skills, intelligence, abilities, and self-worth. Every time you catch your mind thinking something limiting about yourself, take a moment to end that train of thought and replace it with something positive. Your actions will not change until your mindset does.
4. Turn the quest for self-improvement into a game. Set goals like "I must make eye contact with everyone I speak to today" or "I will smile at 20 strangers I see on the street this afternoon." If you meet your goals, treat yourself to dinner at your favorite restaurant. If you don't, clean the bathroom you've been avoiding for the past two weeks.

Above all, don't take yourself too seriously. You will make mistakes on occasion, but who cares? Even the most self-assured, successful people slip up sometimes. Accept that you have blundered, learn from the experience, and get on with your life. It's how you deal with the situation that really demonstrates your confidence.

Fall is here, and with it are many seasonal first date options. Unlike, say, the winter holidays, Halloween is relatively secular and celebrated by most, so it's less of a sticky subject. And almost everyone loves a fall harvest celebration.

When choosing a seasonal activity for a date, particularly a first date, it's important, as always, to be aware of safety issues. A well-populated city ghost tour is one thing; a trip to a cemetery at midnight is quite another. However, one benefit of fall activities is that many of them actually occur during the day on weekends. A pumpkin-carving festival certainly makes more of an impression than the standard coffee or lunch date.

Fall harvest celebrations often mean one or both of two things: food and the outdoors. Thus, it's not unreasonable to ask your date about any associated problems. For example, are they allergic to apples? Will a hayride make them miserable? You might feel silly asking, but overlooking something like that could mean the difference between a great time and a really long day.

A girl I know, “Kelly,” just went on a first date with someone she met on an online dating site. To put it simply, sparks did not fly. He “teased” her and it hit a sore spot; she thought he was maybe a little too obsessive about his interests; and he was clearly more interested in her than she was in him. So, naturally, at the end of the date she agreed to a second one.

Wait, what?

Why did Kelly agree to a second date? She doesn't know. She didn't want to be “mean.” She doesn't think it's actually worth pursuing; she doesn't think the first date suffered from standard first-meeting awkwardness. She really thinks they're incompatible. And yet, she's going to (presumably) go through it all again on a second date – because she doesn't want to be “mean.”

Let me make this perfectly clear: prolonging a relationship when one or both parties is not feeling it is not being nice. Quite the opposite.

Kelly knows this guy is into her; now, if she breaks it off after the second date, he'll wonder what he did wrong. After all, he was the same guy on their first date, and that went fine.

See, no one enjoys breaking a relationship off, even if it hasn't even begun. Contrary to what TV and movies will have you believe, turning down an offer for a even a first date is often painful for both parties. No one wants to be the bad guy.

However, in Kelly's case, she'll have to be the bad guy sooner or later. And later, there will probably be more hurt feelings than if she had declined to meet again after one meeting.

As you go out on your first dates, assess the situation. Sure, there's nothing wrong with having a second date if you feel the first one was too short or busy to really allow you to make up your mind. But if you know for sure that you're not interested, be strong for the sake of you both, and be willing to be the bad guy. It might not be fun, but it's the decent thing to do. Besides, by wasting time on empty dates, you're hindering the both of you from finding true matches. In the long run, it's what's best for you both.

One of the biggest advantages of online dating is its ability to connect compatible people regardless of their location. Perhaps your future partner lives in a neighboring city, a different state, or a country halfway across the world - no matter where your relationship destiny wishes to take you, online dating can get you there.

Unfortunately, one of the biggest drawbacks of online dating is - you guessed it! - its ability to connect compatible people regardless of their location. What happens if you meet your perfect match online and they live thousands of miles away? Do you pass up on the opportunity to connect with Mr. or Ms. Right because maintaining a relationship seems too complicated, or do you take a chance on love and enter the complex and puzzling world of long distance relationships?

Sustaining a long distance relationship might seem impossible but, although this kind of relationship does present a few hurdles that more traditional relationships do not, having a flourishing long distance love life is not an unachievable goal. How do you do it? Like this:

• Ensure that all parties involved are on the same page. This is the most important rule of long distance relationships. Establish, as soon as possible, the parameters and goals that govern your relationship. Is it monogamous or open? What terms are you using to describe the relationship ("Lovers?" "Partners?" "Boyfriend/Girlfriend?")? Where do you see the relationship going? Are you willing to relocate if things become more serious? Discussing important questions like these might be uncomfortable, but they can prevent painful misunderstandings later on.

• Indulge in common interests and activities, even when you are apart. Defy the distance by doing things together no matter how many miles separate you. Bonding over weekly phone calls and three-times-daily emails will feel monotonous and repetitive after a while, so integrating other forms of interaction is a necessary step towards sustaining a healthy long distance connection. Read the same book and discuss it. Watch the same movie or TV show simultaneously. Listen to an album together.

• Give each other mementoes. Send letters, share photos, exchange small tokens of your affection, and surprise each other with packages of personal objects. Every time your paramour sees something you sent them, they will be reminded of you, and will feel all the positive emotions that come with being in your presence.

• Share responsibility for the success of your relationship. A one-sided relationship - long distance or not - is guaranteed to fail. Do not expect that your partner will always send the first email, initiate phone conversations, or offer to travel to you. Likewise, you should consider it a sign that someone is not as committed to a relationship as you are if they expect you to bear the burden of maintaining the relationship.

If you're still skeptical about entering a long distance relationship, consider this: only some long distance relationships lead to heartache, but passing up on the chance to be happy with someone because you're afraid of physical separation leads to heartache every time. As long as both partners are dedicated, a long distance relationship is completely feasible.