Relationships

Statistics show that communication is approximately 20% vocal tonality, 20% actual spoken language, and a whopping 60% body language. In simple terms: it's not what you say that really counts - it's how you say it.

Body language functions in exactly the same way as spoken languages do, with one major difference: everyone can speak it, but almost no one can read it. Though the human body is constantly transmitting information, most people are unable to consciously translate the messages it sends and therefore miss out on understanding vitally important communiqués in social interactions. If, on the other hand, you're part of the gifted minority that can deliberately interpret body language, you will have access to information about people that they're not even aware they're sharing. Sometimes you will even know people better than they know themselves.

Developing an understanding of body language is essential to learning how to date effectively. From the moment someone meets you, they are subconsciously using your body language to assess and categorize you based on the information they gather. At the same time, their body is sending countless signals that indicate things like their state of mind and level of interest in you. Comprehending body language gives you a huge advantage in the dating game for two reasons:

1) Because you are better able to understand the inner workings of your date's mind.

2) Because it gives you control over your date's perception of you.

If you're skeptical, if you worry that we should not believe so strongly in the power of body language because it could easily be artificially cultivated, keep in mind that body language is controlled by the subconscious mind, which means that no one is aware, unless they have been trained to be, of the messages they are sending. Very few people are able to learn to completely and effectively control their body language, so it is the most accurate representation of a person's true feelings in any given moment.

If you're in a pessimistic state of mind, for instance, your body language will instantly hint at your negative feelings no matter how hard you try to verbally deny them. You will lower your head and keep your eyes on the ground. You will slouch. You will try to make your body as small as possible in an effort to "disappear." Conversely, when you're in a positive mood, your body language will reflect it by making you smile, stand up straight, and maintain eye contact with people. You will nonverbally indicate that you are a high-value person with numerous attractive qualities.

Learn to take responsibility for determining the messages your body sends because you can have an extraordinary degree of control over them, and the reactions they produce, if you study the way body language works. To get you started on the path towards body language mastery, I've put together a series of posts that will break body language down into easily digestible portions. Up first: the face.

For many of us, even the thought of starting a conversation with a total stranger you've just met can be pretty intimidating. Learning to overcome this fear allows you to become the master of your own destiny and succeed as a single person.

The following tips on how to best tackle this tricky topic will at first appear like a self-evident plan of attack, however it's about gaining a sense as to how your advances towards other singles will be accepted and deciding as to whether the best option is to proceed or back off.

A potential romantic partner you've never spoken to before will almost always respond in a positive manner with a simple "Hi there" and a friendly smile. Smooth pick up lines and cheesy openers are over rated. Your gut feeling is your best gauge, so back yourself if your instinct is sending out optimistic signals.

Next step is to simply introduce yourself - straight forward so far, right? Prior to breaking the ice with a pleasant introduction, make sure you have a little conversation rehearsed so you can take control of the situation if your initial advances are well received.

Talk about the environment and surroundings or make a comment regarding how nice they look, choose something they are emotionally attached to - everyone loves flattery. Accessories such as a necklace, a tattoo, earrings or clothing are an easy way to engage someone in conversation. Nobody is going to ask you to go away for complimenting them if it's done in a tasteful way.

We are surely not telling you any innovative news or ground breaking dating tips, however humans react positively when somebody lights up our day, so it is usually the basic remarks or gestures that will more often than not start up a conversation. Knowing how to determine someone's single status will see your successes far outweigh your failures. Recognizing how to read a persons body language is an important part of success in the social scene.

By making your approach in a non sinister fashion, you are playing into the hands of the very essence of human nature. The time and place to start a conversation is also an important element when it comes to conversation tips. For example, don't approach an attractive woman in a deserted car park. Make your approach in a safe and public environment.

If you can master and improve your conversation strategy, life as you currently know it will be a thing of the past. You will become a pro on how to win friends and influence people.

Maybe you're one of those people with zero experience handling children. You were an only child or the youngest in your family, and you didn't have any nieces or nephews or cousins. You never really thought you would have kids yourself. And now, unexpectedly, you're dating a parent. Now you're beginning to wish you'd paid attention to movies and articles about dating parents, but you never thought it would apply to you. Where to begin?

On the surface, dating a parent may seem fraught with more peril than a non-parent, but don't let that dissuade you. Just because your partner has had children doesn't mean they're any more or less predictable than any other relationship.

When you're just starting out, it's important that you defer to the parent when it comes to meeting or spending time with the kids. Regardless of what books say, the parent is the one who knows the kid's temperament. Maybe the child is small and the parent doesn't want an attachment formed too early. Maybe the child is grown and busy with their own family. Regardless, it's important in these early stages to trust your partner is trying to make the best decision, and concentrate on the two of you, just like any other couple newly in love.

When you do finally spend time with the kids, remember that they're just small human beings, not an alien species. You don't have to magically transform into an authority figure, nor do you need to be their best friend. “Be yourself” may be a cliché, but it's the best course of action, as children (like anyone) resent insincerity.

As with most things, clear communication is the key to making things work. You don't have to pretend to be an expert in parenting, or even in relationships; keep communication open with your partner, and with the child, if applicable, and you'll all find your way together. And if things work out, you might just find yourself with a new family as well as a new love.

For online dating sites that offer services designed for single moms and dads, check out our Single Parents Dating category.

It's okay to admit it: heading out into the dating world can be daunting. Especially if you're one of those people who makes a “decision” about it: “It's been a certain, predetermined amount of time since my breakup (divorce, etc), so now I am going to get out there and date!” Expectations are high, and if you succeed, it could be life-changing. With something so big on the line, it's easy to feel like you're not getting the success you want. It's easy to want to opt out altogether.

However, dating is one of those instances where perseverance pays off. For one thing, it's a skill; you'll get better at the awkward first dates, and emailing. You'll better determine what you're really looking for. You'll learn through trial and error. And yet, on the other hand, there's an element of luck; you're waiting for compatible people to be available, reading your profile in the first place. And if you hang in there, chances are increased that someone compatible will come along. Sticking it out (as long as it's not at the expense of your well-being) is really the way to go.

That being said, yes, it can be frustrating. So what can you do in the meantime? What are the coffee and donuts to your stakeout?

Well, start with small goals. First, try a goal where you email a certain number of people a week. This ensures that you're being proactive and making an effort. Look up tips for good first emails. When you feel you've mastered that, make a goal to get maybe one response out of ten. Then try upping your goal number, or focus on landing a first date, etc.

Since occasionally the online pool is dry, diversify. Work on striking up conversations with strangers. Try talking to attractive people when you're out and about. Even if you're not literally looking for a date, you'll be more prepared and at ease when you finally meet up, face-to-face, for a first date. Rather than fretting over the lack of prospects on whatever online site you choose, step outside and go local – or try a free trial for another site.

Essentially, you're looking to distract yourself – but you're gaining skills and meeting people, all at the same time. Instead of overwhelming yourself with the big picture, think about small improvements. Before you know it, you'll be comfortable on a first date with a person you really like, and a world of possibilities before you.

Generally when we talk about first dates I'm telling people not to worry. “Don't be so nervous,” I say, “The other person is just as nervous. It's not a job interview; you're just trying to see if you would make good friends.” Well, I've noticed a disturbing trend of late. Just as there are those who refuse to email anyone, but kick back and wait for the emails to come to them (and complain when they don't), there are those who take the same passive attitude towards first dates.

First I heard someone I knew - “Kate” - had been going on a lot of first dates lately, and none of them seemed to be working out. When I talked to her, I noticed something strange about her behavior. First, she was ready and willing to list the flaws of each of her dates (there was no, “we just didn't have chemistry,” all the problems seemed to lie in the men). Strangely, she also seemed to be approaching the whole thing as if... well, as if it was, indeed, a job interview. Only Kate was the one doing the interviewing!

Kate isn't the only person I've noticed behaving in this way, but she was the first one I could question directly. We sat down and had a little chat. From what I could determine, part of attitude problem is linked to the person's perception of online dating itself – if you're skeptical about it working in the first place, you might then sit back and wait for it to prove itself to you. As I explained to her, however, that's not how relationships work.

“Why should your date have to prove himself to you?” I asked. “Did you feel you should be behaving the same way, or did you think you were above the whole thing?”

Kate had the good sense to be embarrassed. “I didn't think I was superior,” she said, “I guess I just... everyone knows first dates are lame, so I just sort of let it happen to get it over with. But – no one seemed to be interested in a second date.”

“You lost your chance to test out a friendship,” I said. “By not being proactive and really giving it a shot, you were just wasting everyone's time.”

So as you go out on your first dates, think about your attitude. Are you ready to honestly try out a new friendship? Are you ready to dive in to conversation, not simply watch attempts at small talk with a critical eye? Making a mental commitment to even a first date is a key step in the dating process – and who knows? You might just wind up with a relationship.

We're in the home stretch of our Online Dating Archetypes tour! In previous posts, we discussed why categorizing people by online dating archetypes can be useful and reviewed a few of the kinds of women you're likely to run into when looking for love in cyberspace.

Today it's the men's turn. Buckle up boys, because this might be a bumpy ride!

According to the people I polled, some of the most common male archetypes on online dating sites are:

1. Men who fancy themselves 21st century Casanovas. I have no problem with two (or more!) consenting adults seeking no-strings-attached hookups - but I do have a problem with men who seek out sex by pretending that they are interested in something more. If you're looking for a relationship that's low-maintenance and fun, then these are the men for you! But if you're looking for a steady, long-term relationship, think twice before investing time and emotions in online dating admirers who focus consistently on sex.
2. Men who are needy. If your online paramour requires constant reassurance of your affection for him, expects to chat with you several times a day to check in, or gives off the vibe that he's the type of guy that always needs to have someone in his life to nurture and take care of him, end the relationship. He is searching for a replacement for his mother, not a romantic partner. Neediness and dependency might feel flattering at first, but always become tiresome and destroy relationships in the long run.
3. Men who consider themselves outsiders. Whether they're self-described "nerds" who prefer the company of their Second Life friends to their real life acquaintances, or wannabe artists and poets who think that the way their spaghetti sauce splatters across their plate is the perfect inspiration for their next piece, these men all seem to have the same goal: proving their strangeness. If that's your type, online dating sites are a great source of potential matches; if not, steer clear of any profiles that try to impress you with their eccentricities and weirdness.
4. Married men. Men who are married - or otherwise attached - are quite possibly the greatest pests that have ever plagued the online dating world. They might simply have joined a dating site out of harmless curiosity or they may be on the prowl for additional clandestine partners - in either case, the only way to ensure that your heart isn't broken by a previous commitment is to avoid married people entirely. For advice on identifying them, check out my posts on "How To Avoid Married Matches Online" (Part One and Part Two).

And last, but most certainly not least, the one you've all been waiting for: average men. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there are ordinary men as well as ordinary women, and my advice is just the same as it was for the ladies: don't pass up an average opportunity, because average people almost always create the most extraordinary relationships.