Commiting to That First Date
- Thursday, November 04 2010 @ 11:17 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,506
Generally when we talk about first dates I'm telling people not to worry. “Don't be so nervous,” I say, “The other person is just as nervous. It's not a job interview; you're just trying to see if you would make good friends.” Well, I've noticed a disturbing trend of late. Just as there are those who refuse to email anyone, but kick back and wait for the emails to come to them (and complain when they don't), there are those who take the same passive attitude towards first dates.
First I heard someone I knew - “Kate” - had been going on a lot of first dates lately, and none of them seemed to be working out. When I talked to her, I noticed something strange about her behavior. First, she was ready and willing to list the flaws of each of her dates (there was no, “we just didn't have chemistry,” all the problems seemed to lie in the men). Strangely, she also seemed to be approaching the whole thing as if... well, as if it was, indeed, a job interview. Only Kate was the one doing the interviewing!
Kate isn't the only person I've noticed behaving in this way, but she was the first one I could question directly. We sat down and had a little chat. From what I could determine, part of attitude problem is linked to the person's perception of online dating itself – if you're skeptical about it working in the first place, you might then sit back and wait for it to prove itself to you. As I explained to her, however, that's not how relationships work.
“Why should your date have to prove himself to you?” I asked. “Did you feel you should be behaving the same way, or did you think you were above the whole thing?”
Kate had the good sense to be embarrassed. “I didn't think I was superior,” she said, “I guess I just... everyone knows first dates are lame, so I just sort of let it happen to get it over with. But – no one seemed to be interested in a second date.”
“You lost your chance to test out a friendship,” I said. “By not being proactive and really giving it a shot, you were just wasting everyone's time.”
So as you go out on your first dates, think about your attitude. Are you ready to honestly try out a new friendship? Are you ready to dive in to conversation, not simply watch attempts at small talk with a critical eye? Making a mental commitment to even a first date is a key step in the dating process – and who knows? You might just wind up with a relationship.
First I heard someone I knew - “Kate” - had been going on a lot of first dates lately, and none of them seemed to be working out. When I talked to her, I noticed something strange about her behavior. First, she was ready and willing to list the flaws of each of her dates (there was no, “we just didn't have chemistry,” all the problems seemed to lie in the men). Strangely, she also seemed to be approaching the whole thing as if... well, as if it was, indeed, a job interview. Only Kate was the one doing the interviewing!
Kate isn't the only person I've noticed behaving in this way, but she was the first one I could question directly. We sat down and had a little chat. From what I could determine, part of attitude problem is linked to the person's perception of online dating itself – if you're skeptical about it working in the first place, you might then sit back and wait for it to prove itself to you. As I explained to her, however, that's not how relationships work.
“Why should your date have to prove himself to you?” I asked. “Did you feel you should be behaving the same way, or did you think you were above the whole thing?”
Kate had the good sense to be embarrassed. “I didn't think I was superior,” she said, “I guess I just... everyone knows first dates are lame, so I just sort of let it happen to get it over with. But – no one seemed to be interested in a second date.”
“You lost your chance to test out a friendship,” I said. “By not being proactive and really giving it a shot, you were just wasting everyone's time.”
So as you go out on your first dates, think about your attitude. Are you ready to honestly try out a new friendship? Are you ready to dive in to conversation, not simply watch attempts at small talk with a critical eye? Making a mental commitment to even a first date is a key step in the dating process – and who knows? You might just wind up with a relationship.
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