Relationships

As a species, we like learning more about ourselves and others - but mostly, about ourselves. We like figuring out what makes us tick. And, since we know we are subjective, we like to learn “truths” about ourselves, as well.

At least, that’s how I like to explain the popularity of personality tests and online quizzes.

The problem arises when people use these personality tests as an excuse, not an explanation. “I shouldn’t be responsible for keeping the conversation going on a date,” someone might say. “I’m an introvert.” Or, conversely: “It’s in my nature to want to control every aspect of the first date. That’s just who I am.”

That’s all well and good, if opposites really do attract. But that’s not only the case. At some point, one of two introverts will have to make the first move in a conversation or relationship. And two controlling personalities will have to learn compromise.

The thing about personality tests is, they only tell you who you currently are - not who you have the potential to be. Acknowledging your shortcomings does not give you a free pass to let your flaws run rampant.

So what’s the point of these personality tests, then? Well, one constructive way they can be used is that by identifying the areas in which you struggle, you can easily target what you want to work on. If you know you’re naturally introverted, you can prepare to make more of an effort when you go on that first date. If you know your controlling nature causes problems in relationships, you can find a way to work on it before your next relationship.

Even better, you can use personality tests to look outside yourself. If you understand the personality type of your significant other, it might give you a better understanding of how they handle conflict. The next argument has the potential to be diffused before it turns into a hurricane of confusion and anger.

Personality tests and online quizzes can be fun, and even informative, particularly when you’re just getting to know someone. The key is to do something constructive with the information - not use it as a shield or a weapon.

Because online dating, like all dating, is essentially a numbers game, we often find ourselves in states of feast or famine. It’s not uncommon to go weeks, or even months, without one response, and then find yourself with two, three or more interested parties. While that can be very exciting, it’s actually times when you have multiple prospective dates that you can let opportunities slip away from you.

As we wait in times of “famine,” hoping for at least one response, it becomes easy to slip into a line of thinking where only the numbers matter; more dates are better. While it’s true that the more dates you have, the better your chances of successfully finding a good match are, the truth is that you could potentially find a solid relationship on your very first date. Each date holds that same potential, and each date should be given equal importance.

One common trap that many with multiple dates fall into is giving unequal amounts of attention. If you were only emailing with one person at a time, that person would obviously receive your full attention, and you’d probably be searching for connections, things you have in common. When you have three or more email conversations going on, however, it’s easy to go on “autopilot,” particularly if you’re more interested in one than the others. Connections that you could have found might slip by, and a potentially better match could pale in comparison to someone else - before you’ve even met in person.

Another trap to avoid is comparing your dates against each other. Remember, you’re looking for the best match for you, not necessarily the most attractive out of a random selection or the most successful. Again, this takes a certain amount of divided attention; instead of evaluating whether you have a connection, you’re comparing answers to similar questions or trying to remember what you’ve said in emails with this particular person. While it’s good to date multiple people and get a feel for “what’s out there,” it’s important to make sure you’re giving each candidate the same shot they would receive if they were the only current prospect.

Finally, if you go on one date, have an instant connection with that person, and move into dating them right away, don’t bother trying to go on dates with the other candidates if you already know who you want. While you may think you’re being nice, you’re really only wasting the time of people who could spend it finding a good match for themselves. Would you want to go on a date with someone who already decided they prefer someone else?

While it’s easy to focus on the “numbers game” aspect of dating, remember that each response is coming from an individual, hoping for success just like you. Whether you get one at a time or twenty, remember to give each individual the respect you would want - the respect they deserve.

If you've joined an online dating site and aren't getting many responses, you may be wondering why. Most of the time, there are easy fixes to make to attract more attention. You just have to be aware of how you're coming across to people who don't know anything about you. Following are some basic tips to make sure you're getting the best results possible.

Post a photo. If you don't post a picture, most online daters will assume the worst: that you're hiding something, whether it's a spouse, girlfriend, or your looks. Many make it a criteria to never respond to someone who doesn't post a picture. If you aren't sure about what photo to use, ask a friend to help you. It's better to post a bad picture than no picture at all.

Make sure it's current. Speaking of photos, don't post any that are more than a year old. If it's grainy, get rid of it. Your matches can tell that it's probably an older picture. Your photo must reflect who you are now, not who you were 10 years ago. Your dates will find out soon enough, so it's better to be honest upfront.

Don't stalk...wait for a response. When you email someone you find attractive and are anxious to get a response, don't drive yourself crazy by checking your Inbox every 15 minutes. And don't send a follow-up email asking why he/she didn't respond after only a day. Give her some time, and go on with your search. If she's interested, she'll respond, and if not, move on to the next.

Update your profile more often. The more you visit your online dating profile and update it, the more searchable you become. When you don't check in for days at a time, you miss opportunities. The more you check in, users can see you're active and will be more inclined to pursue meeting you.

Be creative. Many online daters make the mistake of trying to look like everyone else in terms of how "datable" they are, instead of writing about what sets them apart. Rather than writing about how you enjoy movies and long walks on the beach, show your sense of humor or something unique, like your quest for finding the perfect chocolate pie. In other words, be creative and let your personality shine through.

Don't be negative. If your profile lists the kinds of people you don't want to date, whether it's the gold-diggers, drama queens, players, or cheapskates, please don't include this in your profile. First, nobody is going to tell you that's who they are, and second, you usually wind up attracting them anyway by advertising what you don't want. Instead, focus on the attributes you DO want in a partner.

You've had a great time at dinner, laughing and enjoying each other's company. The chemistry is there, and you're feeling excited. Then the check comes, and she runs off to the restroom, leaving you to foot the bill for the fifth time in two weeks. You find yourself getting annoyed, and thinking that maybe you aren't so interested after all. She expects you to pay...again. Is this good dating behavior?

Traditionally, men have taken women out as a form of courting. But now women assert their independence when it comes to dating by offering to foot or split the bill. But what is considered appropriate?

My general rule is, whoever does the asking does the paying. Men shouldn't be expected to take care of every date; women should reciprocate by planning a date and paying for it. Dating is about mutual interest, rather than expectations.

In this case, if you've taken her out several times and would like her to extend the same courtesy, I would ask her to plan the next date. This way, you're not putting pressure on her to pick up the tab at dinner and looking like a cheapskate. On the other hand, the responsibility is on her to take care of the next date...planning and paying.

Some other tips when it comes to money and dating:

• Don't look cheap by separating the bill according to what each of you ate if she offers to split it. Divide it down the middle. This shows class.
• Plan ahead. Instead of taking your dates to expensive or trendy restaurants, take them on a picnic, make dinner, or go for a bike ride. There are plenty of less expensive, creative, and fun options. Don't feel as though you have to impress with money.
• Offer to pay. Ladies, if you're used to being taken out, return the favor. Ask him out and foot the bill. Or buy him a round of drinks. Show that you're interested in more than his wallet.

I’ve heard it over and over, particularly after the holidays: “Well, I want to join an online dating site,” or, “I know I should become active again and update my profile,” but “I’m just not looking very good right now. Maybe in a few months.”

I completely understand insecurity - who doesn’t feel insecure about some aspect of themselves? However, here’s why you should try getting on that online dating site today, instead of “a few months from now.”

First, there are those who are simply slightly plumper from the holidays (or from the fall... or the past few years). In my own experience, taken both from myself and from looking at countless photos of others, it takes a substantial weight loss or gain before you’re completely unrecognizable in the face. Anything under twenty pounds and you pretty much look the same, at least from the neck up. Yes, I know the slightest change in the contour of your chin seems drastic to you. To everyone else? Not that much.

Then there are those who are embarking on some of kind of longer-term change, be it an attempt to lose a larger amount of weight, quitting smoking or getting braces. Yes, I can understand the temptation to hide until you’ve achieved your goal. However, why not live life in the meantime? So much of attraction is in the attitude, anyway - I’ve known plus-sized, confident people who are constantly attached, and slender people who had considerably more trouble; it all boiled down to how they felt about themselves. As you embark on your long-term change, make sure your self-esteem is also changing for the better. It’s the most important asset you can maintain - and if you’ve already got it, why not start online dating right away?

Speaking practically, online dating, like all dating, is something of a numbers game. You might have a great profile that does you no good if no one compatible is on the site at the time. Thus, it’s best to start as early as possible, sending out those first-contact emails, getting a feel for who’s out there and whether the particular site is a good match for you. Whether you feel you’re at your absolute best or not, it’s never too early to at least scope out the dating pool.

Don’t limit yourself from taking the plunge today. But remember: attitude and confidence really make the difference. If you do decide to delve into the world of online dating, you’ll be much more successful if you jump in with both feet. Sure, we want to wait until we're perfect - but is anyone perfect, ever? Now is as good a time as any.

From Match.com, to OkCupid, to eHarmony, to Facebook, the Internet offers plenty of services to help you find love.

But what about when love turns sour, and your relationship comes to an end?

It turns out the Internet has tools for that too. And no, I'm not just talking about unfollowing your ex on Twitter.

More and more, sites are springing up to bring solace to the newly single. Some provide advice on how to handle a recent breakup. Others simply offer a forum in which to vent about the man or woman who did you wrong. And others cater to more unique needs, like selling presents gifted to you by your ex.