Relationships

Congratulations to Wills and Kate - the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!

All eyes were on England this weekend, as Prince William wed his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. William and Kate met in 2001, while studying in Scotland at the University of St. Andrews, and dated until a brief split in 2007. After rekindling their romance later that year, and going public with their relationship, speculation that Kate and William would soon be engaged ran rampant. As time passed, and no engagement was announced, Kate was branded "Waity Katie" by the media for sticking by a man who seemingly had no intention of ever marrying her.

What was William waiting for? Who knows...but whatever it was, he finally found it in October of 2010, when he proposed to Kate during a trip to Kenya.

Hearing that story over, and over, and over again in the weeks leading up to the wedding got me wondering: What was Prince William thinking? What was going through his mind as he decided whether or not to propose? And what should everyone - second in line to the British throne or not - take into consideration before taking the plunge?

Ask yourself questions like:

• Am I really ready to settle down? Deciding to commit to someone before you feel that you've taken advantage of every opportunity single life could offer you is likely to lead to regret and resentment. But if you're constantly being nagged by a feeling that there's something more, then listen to your gut and take the next steps.
• How do I feel about his/her family? You don't have to move in with the 'rents and start referring to them as Mom and Pops, but marriage means becoming a part of a new family. If you can't stand them, but your S.O. loves spending quality time together, you're going to run into problems.
• When I think of the future, are we together? You know you're with someone special when you realize that, unbeknownst to you, they've somehow become an integral part of your vision for your future. Do you catch yourself imagining what it would be like to visit Europe together? To go skydiving together? To buy a house together? When you've reached a point where you can't picture your life without him or her, you know you've found a keeper.
• Can I live with his/her quirks? If the little habits like leaving yesterday's clothing on the floor or forgetting to wipe down a wet sink are a constant source of annoyance, marriage might not be a good idea. On the other hand, a partner whose quirks you love is a partner you can be with for life.

More questions to ask before popping the question - or saying yes - next time...

I was having drinks with a friend a couple of weeks ago. She mentioned that she dates the same types of men and was getting increasingly frustrated because the relationships were going nowhere. She had no problem meeting men, but they all seemed to be unavailable.

When I pressed her further, she admitted that many of the men she met were successful, ambitious, and enjoyed their independent lifestyles. But they didn’t want a girlfriend. They wanted simply a one-night stand, or a friends with benefits arrangement.

“I like being intellectually stimulated,” she said. “I can’t imagine being with a man who can’t hold a conversation about politics or doesn’t have some kind of passion or ambition. But it seems that when they are successful, they’re not usually looking for a girlfriend. I don’t want a casual relationship at this point in my life.”

I understood what she meant, but I sensed there was something more that she wasn’t admitting. After all, if she kept attracting men who weren’t meeting her needs, was there something she could be doing differently?

“Where do you meet these men?” I asked.

“Usually at bars, because I travel a lot and I like to socialize with men wherever I am. I’ve online dated, but it doesn’t really work for me. I’d rather let things happen organically and meet in person.”

I asked her to challenge herself by dating someone she didn’t consider her “type”. What if she started dating men who didn’t put work as a first priority? Or ones she didn’t meet at a bar while she was on the road? Maybe then her luck would change.

“Oh, I’ve done that. It didn’t work.” She quickly dismissed my idea. “I’m career-driven so my boyfriend should be, too.

When I pressed her, she started to reconsider. The issue was not with all the men she was attracting, it was how she was closing herself off to potentially great guys by being so set in her ways. She would only consider successful, ambitious men who didn’t have time for a relationship, instead of men who weren’t so tied to their jobs. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man who has a passion or who is intellectually stimulating, but that’s not what she was actually looking for. Instead, career success was her number one priority, which was limiting her opportunities. Why not date a teacher who is politically active in his community, or a computer programmer who enjoys traveling to exotic places?

She decided to take my challenge and go on a few dates with men who were not married to their careers. She also decided to try online dating again to widen the circle of people she tended to meet in bars and while traveling. Instead of assuming that all men she met were either unavailable or boring, she’s allowed herself to be open to possibility. In my experience, you have to have an open heart to find the right match, and that means letting go of your assumptions and expectations to make room for possibility.

We've already discussed 4 reasons some scientists believe that monogamy is the right choice for human relationships - now it's time to take a look at a few of the arguments for nonmonogamy.

Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, authors of a new book called "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality," looked at the soaring divorce rate, the rising numbers of single parents, and the success of industries like couples therapy, and decided that something was terribly wrong with relationships in America. Their theory about the origin of this disaster is simple: "From a biological perspective, men and women simply aren't meant to be in lifelong monogamous unions." Ryan and Jetha offer evidence from the worlds of archaeology, biology, physiology, and anthropology in favor of embracing our nonmonogamous history:

1) Nonmonogamy is our natural state - monogamy only became important as property became a part of human lives. The advent of agriculture, about 10,000 years ago, changed human society forever. "Property wasn't a very important consideration when people were living in small, foraging groups where most things were shared, including food, childcare, shelter and defense," Ryan told Salon.com. Sexuality was also shared, and paternity was not an issue. As agriculture began to play a larger and larger role in human lives, however, men began to worry about whether or not children were biologically theirs, so that they could leave their accumulated property to their biological children after their deaths. Monogamy was just an easy way to guarantee that a man was the biological father of the children he was raising.

2) Having multiple partners is biologically advantageous. In pre-agricultural times, multiple men would mate with one woman. Afterwards, her reproductive system would distinguish which sperm cells were most compatible with her genetics, resulting in the healthiest possible child.

3) Humans are built to seek out novelty. Humans evolved to be sexually responsive to novelty, making a lifetime of blissful monogamy a difficult prospect. Genetically, humans are programed to seek out new partners (known as the Coolidge effect) and are less responsive to familiar partners (the Westermarck effect). Ancient humans were motivated by this drive to leave their small hunter-gatherer societies in favor of joining other groups, thereby avoiding incest and providing genetic variety and strength to future generations.

4) It's just plain unrealistic to expect that someone will only be attracted to one partner for the rest of their lives. Monogamy is a valid relationship choice, but deciding to follow a monogamous path doesn't mean that you will never feel the desire to have sex with other people again. It is unfair that modern society makes people feel like failures for looking at or fantasizing about someone other than their partners. Curiosity is just human nature.

Despite Ryan and Jetha's compelling research in favor of nonmonogamy, they do not believe that monogamy is unsustainable: "Lifelong sexual monogamy is something we can certainly choose, but it should an informed decision," says the FAQ on their Web site. "We're not recommending anything other than knowledge, introspection, and honesty... What individuals or couples do with this information (if anything) is up to them."

"Put aside what you used to think and get ready to have a very different view about the single people in your life. They're not who you think they are."

With that lofty pronouncement, Match.com set out to "separate fact from fiction with the first comprehensive study of singles in America." We covered some of their findings in the last post, and now it's time to move on to a little myth-busting so spectacular that it would make Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage a little jealous.

Myth #1: Women are clingier and more needy in relationships than men are.

Busted: Match.com found that women actually need more independence in relationships than men do. Women, across every age group, were more likely to report needing things like personal space, vacations without their partner, and nights out with the girls.

Myth #2: Men aren't interested in getting married and having children.

Busted: Men and women are equally inclined towards marriage - both 33% of women and 33% of men said that they want to get married. And as far as children go, among singles without kids, more men (24%) than women (15%) expressed interest in becoming parents.

Myth #3: Sex becomes less important with age.

Busted: Older men and women are in fact less likely to choose between love and sexual attractiveness in order to have a committed relationship. Older singles also reported finding sex within a committed relationship more satisfying than singles in other age groups.

Myth #4: Being a single parent ruins your love life.

Busted: In reality, single parents go on more dates than singles without children, and more single parents are currently dating someone (21%) than those without kids (16%).

Myth #5: Modern youth are promiscuous.

Busted: The 21-34 age group contains the largest percentage of people who said that they had never had sex. 24% of men and 23% of women in that age range claimed to be virgins, to be exact.

Myth #6: Saying "I love you" is a serious commitment.

Busted: Only 14% of singles think that "I love you" means "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Another 31% believe it means "I want you in my life," 30% consider it to mean "I care about you," and 19% believe those infamous 3 words mean "I want to have a committed relationship with you."

Myth #7: Unemployment decreases your chances of finding love.

Busted: As long as you bring other things to the table, 50% of singles said that they would be open to dating someone unemployed if they found the person interesting.

Myth #8: Casual hookups never lead to relationships.

Busted: Advice columnist Dan Savage is fond of saying that most relationships are just "one night stands that stick" and, according to Match.com, he appears to have a point - 36% of singles said they are open to casual hookups, and 54% have had one night stands. All in all, 35% of singles claimed to have had one night stands that turned into long term relationships.

So next time you think you know what a new date is all about, think again - singles in 2011 are not who you think they are.

For more information on the dating site mentioned in this post, you can read our Match.com review.

No doubt about it, dating can be an emotional roller coaster ride. It takes persistence and patience, which can sometimes be hard to muster. We go from being excited to frustrated to disappointed in the span of an evening.

Instead of letting your frustration get the best of you by deleting your online profile and giving up on your search for Mr. Right, try some of these tips to give yourself some perspective and recharge your spirit:

Know you're not alone. The old saying about "all the good ones are taken" couldn't be farther from the truth. One third of the American adult population is single, or about 104 million people. Those are pretty good odds that one of them is right for you. The trick is to keep meeting people until you do find the right one.

Lighten up. Maybe you think that each date is a litmus test for how strong the chemistry is between you and where the relationship is headed. Instead of taking the process so seriously, try to have fun instead. If you don't feel chemistry right away but enjoy being with him, what's the harm in dating again? Many couples admit to falling in love with their partner after they developed a friendship. What's to lose?

Change your dating profile. Maybe you've been using the same online profile for the past few months. Have a friend look through it and see what changes they would make, or how they would describe you. Sometimes, all you need is a little refresher to attract more candidates to you. If your friend is single, have him join the site with you so you will be inspired to check your matches more often.

Open your mind. Instead of assuming things about your date, or predicting how your date will go, leave all assumptions at the door. Just because you had a negative experience in the past doesn't mean that you are doomed to repeat it. Everyone is different, and every date is an opportunity to experience something new.

Take a break. If you find yourself in a bad mood before your dates even begin, this is a sign of dating fatigue. It's important to start things off on the right foot, which means having a positive attitude. If you don't feel that you can be positive, take a break and reenergize. Do something that makes you feel great.

Try something new. Maybe you've been considering joining a ski group or taking cooking classes. There's no time like the present! Doing something you love makes you feel good, which makes you attractive to others. Even if you don't meet any eligible singles in these places, you may meet new friends who can introduce you to Mr. Right.

Usually when we discuss first dates and conversation, we focus on the icebreakers, the small talk. For some people, that’s all they need to worry about; once they get back the initial awkwardness, they can relax and get to know their date. However, there are some people who never fully relax. I’ll call these people the “Interviewers.” These people treat all interaction like an interview for a job position, whether they’re the one doing the questioning or answering. Their questions and answers are calculated, or at least they attempt to be. They’re either looking for “wrong” answers, or they’re trying to avoid giving one.

The tendency to want to “win” or “get the right answers” in dating occasionally surfaces in strange ways. I knew a girl who agreed to a date at a place she’d only vaguely heard of. She didn’t know exactly where it was, and she couldn’t figure it out using the Internet. And she absolutely refused to email her date and ask for more specific directions. “I already told him I knew where it was!” she said. “If I email him now, he’ll think I’m a moron!”

A man I once knew became very well-versed in scrapbooking. His rationale was that if he was familiar with a hobby women liked, he’d always be able to talk about it at dates, or maybe even meet women at scrapbooking events. While this may have been true, he also couldn’t stand scrapbooking! Cultivating a hobby you’re not even interested in is misguided at best, and maybe even a little creepy.

When meeting someone, it’s important to remember that you’re not trying to win a battle or a race; you’re trying to find someone truly compatible. And what does that mean? You’re looking for someone for the long haul: maybe marriage, maybe children, or “just” a friend and companion for the ages. Do you want to spend years with someone you “duped” with the right answers? More importantly, will the relationship even last if you’re not truly compatible?