Relationships

I was having drinks with a friend a couple of weeks ago. She mentioned that she dates the same types of men and was getting increasingly frustrated because the relationships were going nowhere. She had no problem meeting men, but they all seemed to be unavailable.

When I pressed her further, she admitted that many of the men she met were successful, ambitious, and enjoyed their independent lifestyles. But they didn’t want a girlfriend. They wanted simply a one-night stand, or a friends with benefits arrangement.

“I like being intellectually stimulated,” she said. “I can’t imagine being with a man who can’t hold a conversation about politics or doesn’t have some kind of passion or ambition. But it seems that when they are successful, they’re not usually looking for a girlfriend. I don’t want a casual relationship at this point in my life.”

I understood what she meant, but I sensed there was something more that she wasn’t admitting. After all, if she kept attracting men who weren’t meeting her needs, was there something she could be doing differently?

“Where do you meet these men?” I asked.

“Usually at bars, because I travel a lot and I like to socialize with men wherever I am. I’ve online dated, but it doesn’t really work for me. I’d rather let things happen organically and meet in person.”

I asked her to challenge herself by dating someone she didn’t consider her “type”. What if she started dating men who didn’t put work as a first priority? Or ones she didn’t meet at a bar while she was on the road? Maybe then her luck would change.

“Oh, I’ve done that. It didn’t work.” She quickly dismissed my idea. “I’m career-driven so my boyfriend should be, too.

When I pressed her, she started to reconsider. The issue was not with all the men she was attracting, it was how she was closing herself off to potentially great guys by being so set in her ways. She would only consider successful, ambitious men who didn’t have time for a relationship, instead of men who weren’t so tied to their jobs. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man who has a passion or who is intellectually stimulating, but that’s not what she was actually looking for. Instead, career success was her number one priority, which was limiting her opportunities. Why not date a teacher who is politically active in his community, or a computer programmer who enjoys traveling to exotic places?

She decided to take my challenge and go on a few dates with men who were not married to their careers. She also decided to try online dating again to widen the circle of people she tended to meet in bars and while traveling. Instead of assuming that all men she met were either unavailable or boring, she’s allowed herself to be open to possibility. In my experience, you have to have an open heart to find the right match, and that means letting go of your assumptions and expectations to make room for possibility.

We've already discussed 4 reasons some scientists believe that monogamy is the right choice for human relationships - now it's time to take a look at a few of the arguments for nonmonogamy.

Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, authors of a new book called "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality," looked at the soaring divorce rate, the rising numbers of single parents, and the success of industries like couples therapy, and decided that something was terribly wrong with relationships in America. Their theory about the origin of this disaster is simple: "From a biological perspective, men and women simply aren't meant to be in lifelong monogamous unions." Ryan and Jetha offer evidence from the worlds of archaeology, biology, physiology, and anthropology in favor of embracing our nonmonogamous history:

1) Nonmonogamy is our natural state - monogamy only became important as property became a part of human lives. The advent of agriculture, about 10,000 years ago, changed human society forever. "Property wasn't a very important consideration when people were living in small, foraging groups where most things were shared, including food, childcare, shelter and defense," Ryan told Salon.com. Sexuality was also shared, and paternity was not an issue. As agriculture began to play a larger and larger role in human lives, however, men began to worry about whether or not children were biologically theirs, so that they could leave their accumulated property to their biological children after their deaths. Monogamy was just an easy way to guarantee that a man was the biological father of the children he was raising.

2) Having multiple partners is biologically advantageous. In pre-agricultural times, multiple men would mate with one woman. Afterwards, her reproductive system would distinguish which sperm cells were most compatible with her genetics, resulting in the healthiest possible child.

3) Humans are built to seek out novelty. Humans evolved to be sexually responsive to novelty, making a lifetime of blissful monogamy a difficult prospect. Genetically, humans are programed to seek out new partners (known as the Coolidge effect) and are less responsive to familiar partners (the Westermarck effect). Ancient humans were motivated by this drive to leave their small hunter-gatherer societies in favor of joining other groups, thereby avoiding incest and providing genetic variety and strength to future generations.

4) It's just plain unrealistic to expect that someone will only be attracted to one partner for the rest of their lives. Monogamy is a valid relationship choice, but deciding to follow a monogamous path doesn't mean that you will never feel the desire to have sex with other people again. It is unfair that modern society makes people feel like failures for looking at or fantasizing about someone other than their partners. Curiosity is just human nature.

Despite Ryan and Jetha's compelling research in favor of nonmonogamy, they do not believe that monogamy is unsustainable: "Lifelong sexual monogamy is something we can certainly choose, but it should an informed decision," says the FAQ on their Web site. "We're not recommending anything other than knowledge, introspection, and honesty... What individuals or couples do with this information (if anything) is up to them."

"Put aside what you used to think and get ready to have a very different view about the single people in your life. They're not who you think they are."

With that lofty pronouncement, Match.com set out to "separate fact from fiction with the first comprehensive study of singles in America." We covered some of their findings in the last post, and now it's time to move on to a little myth-busting so spectacular that it would make Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage a little jealous.

Myth #1: Women are clingier and more needy in relationships than men are.

Busted: Match.com found that women actually need more independence in relationships than men do. Women, across every age group, were more likely to report needing things like personal space, vacations without their partner, and nights out with the girls.

Myth #2: Men aren't interested in getting married and having children.

Busted: Men and women are equally inclined towards marriage - both 33% of women and 33% of men said that they want to get married. And as far as children go, among singles without kids, more men (24%) than women (15%) expressed interest in becoming parents.

Myth #3: Sex becomes less important with age.

Busted: Older men and women are in fact less likely to choose between love and sexual attractiveness in order to have a committed relationship. Older singles also reported finding sex within a committed relationship more satisfying than singles in other age groups.

Myth #4: Being a single parent ruins your love life.

Busted: In reality, single parents go on more dates than singles without children, and more single parents are currently dating someone (21%) than those without kids (16%).

Myth #5: Modern youth are promiscuous.

Busted: The 21-34 age group contains the largest percentage of people who said that they had never had sex. 24% of men and 23% of women in that age range claimed to be virgins, to be exact.

Myth #6: Saying "I love you" is a serious commitment.

Busted: Only 14% of singles think that "I love you" means "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Another 31% believe it means "I want you in my life," 30% consider it to mean "I care about you," and 19% believe those infamous 3 words mean "I want to have a committed relationship with you."

Myth #7: Unemployment decreases your chances of finding love.

Busted: As long as you bring other things to the table, 50% of singles said that they would be open to dating someone unemployed if they found the person interesting.

Myth #8: Casual hookups never lead to relationships.

Busted: Advice columnist Dan Savage is fond of saying that most relationships are just "one night stands that stick" and, according to Match.com, he appears to have a point - 36% of singles said they are open to casual hookups, and 54% have had one night stands. All in all, 35% of singles claimed to have had one night stands that turned into long term relationships.

So next time you think you know what a new date is all about, think again - singles in 2011 are not who you think they are.

For more information on the dating site mentioned in this post, you can read our Match.com review.

No doubt about it, dating can be an emotional roller coaster ride. It takes persistence and patience, which can sometimes be hard to muster. We go from being excited to frustrated to disappointed in the span of an evening.

Instead of letting your frustration get the best of you by deleting your online profile and giving up on your search for Mr. Right, try some of these tips to give yourself some perspective and recharge your spirit:

Know you're not alone. The old saying about "all the good ones are taken" couldn't be farther from the truth. One third of the American adult population is single, or about 104 million people. Those are pretty good odds that one of them is right for you. The trick is to keep meeting people until you do find the right one.

Lighten up. Maybe you think that each date is a litmus test for how strong the chemistry is between you and where the relationship is headed. Instead of taking the process so seriously, try to have fun instead. If you don't feel chemistry right away but enjoy being with him, what's the harm in dating again? Many couples admit to falling in love with their partner after they developed a friendship. What's to lose?

Change your dating profile. Maybe you've been using the same online profile for the past few months. Have a friend look through it and see what changes they would make, or how they would describe you. Sometimes, all you need is a little refresher to attract more candidates to you. If your friend is single, have him join the site with you so you will be inspired to check your matches more often.

Open your mind. Instead of assuming things about your date, or predicting how your date will go, leave all assumptions at the door. Just because you had a negative experience in the past doesn't mean that you are doomed to repeat it. Everyone is different, and every date is an opportunity to experience something new.

Take a break. If you find yourself in a bad mood before your dates even begin, this is a sign of dating fatigue. It's important to start things off on the right foot, which means having a positive attitude. If you don't feel that you can be positive, take a break and reenergize. Do something that makes you feel great.

Try something new. Maybe you've been considering joining a ski group or taking cooking classes. There's no time like the present! Doing something you love makes you feel good, which makes you attractive to others. Even if you don't meet any eligible singles in these places, you may meet new friends who can introduce you to Mr. Right.

Usually when we discuss first dates and conversation, we focus on the icebreakers, the small talk. For some people, that’s all they need to worry about; once they get back the initial awkwardness, they can relax and get to know their date. However, there are some people who never fully relax. I’ll call these people the “Interviewers.” These people treat all interaction like an interview for a job position, whether they’re the one doing the questioning or answering. Their questions and answers are calculated, or at least they attempt to be. They’re either looking for “wrong” answers, or they’re trying to avoid giving one.

The tendency to want to “win” or “get the right answers” in dating occasionally surfaces in strange ways. I knew a girl who agreed to a date at a place she’d only vaguely heard of. She didn’t know exactly where it was, and she couldn’t figure it out using the Internet. And she absolutely refused to email her date and ask for more specific directions. “I already told him I knew where it was!” she said. “If I email him now, he’ll think I’m a moron!”

A man I once knew became very well-versed in scrapbooking. His rationale was that if he was familiar with a hobby women liked, he’d always be able to talk about it at dates, or maybe even meet women at scrapbooking events. While this may have been true, he also couldn’t stand scrapbooking! Cultivating a hobby you’re not even interested in is misguided at best, and maybe even a little creepy.

When meeting someone, it’s important to remember that you’re not trying to win a battle or a race; you’re trying to find someone truly compatible. And what does that mean? You’re looking for someone for the long haul: maybe marriage, maybe children, or “just” a friend and companion for the ages. Do you want to spend years with someone you “duped” with the right answers? More importantly, will the relationship even last if you’re not truly compatible?

Some people think that the world of online dating can be conquered by having a good profile. Once they polish up that profile and send it out into the ether, they think, the prospective dates will be lining up! Well, it might work that way in a perfect world; it might even work that way for a very few, very lucky people. However, for the rest of us, there’s still work to be done when the profile is complete.

Imagine you’ve written the next great novel. It really is fantastic; you’re not biased. And when you’ve edited the last word, you print the whole thing out carefully and store it on your bookshelf. Patiently, you wait for fans and media and critics to beat down your door with acclaim. Obviously, that would be a silly expectation; your novel is not published, and you haven’t tried to bring it to the attention of publishers or readers in any way. Just having it completed, out in the world, is not enough.

In online dating, your profile might be available to be read, but only if someone happens to stumble across it with the right search combination. How can you make it available to a wider audience?

Mostly, it means you have to take the first step. Whether you’re a man or a woman, the advice applies equally: if you want your profile read, particularly by people you’re interested in, you’re just going to have to make the first move. A first-contact email is short and sweet; it asks a simple question or two and is basically a glorified “hi.” But the first thing the recipient will do is go back and read the profile. Suddenly, all the work is worth it; you’re making your intended first impression.

Why not just send a nudge or a nod? you wonder. Well, while it’s true that it’s probably better than nothing, the fact is that little pokes and winks are over-used and sometimes even cleared out without checking who sent them. Besides, it’s the equivalent of a half-smile in person. If you’re interested enough to think about elbowing them, why not take the five minutes and send an email that shows you’ve actually read their profile, and are a real, breathing, non-scamming person?

Some dating sites like to combine social networking. If that’s the case, take full advantage of that too, commenting and participating. The best way to maximize your chances of success in online dating is to fully embrace it. If you’ve gone to the trouble to make a fantastic profile, why not jump in with both feet and make sure it’s seen?