Are You too Set in Your Ways?
- Tuesday, May 03 2011 @ 08:59 am
- Contributed by: kellyseal
- Views: 1,522
I was having drinks with a friend a couple of weeks ago. She mentioned that she dates the same types of men and was getting increasingly frustrated because the relationships were going nowhere. She had no problem meeting men, but they all seemed to be unavailable.
When I pressed her further, she admitted that many of the men she met were successful, ambitious, and enjoyed their independent lifestyles. But they didn’t want a girlfriend. They wanted simply a one-night stand, or a friends with benefits arrangement.
“I like being intellectually stimulated,” she said. “I can’t imagine being with a man who can’t hold a conversation about politics or doesn’t have some kind of passion or ambition. But it seems that when they are successful, they’re not usually looking for a girlfriend. I don’t want a casual relationship at this point in my life.”
I understood what she meant, but I sensed there was something more that she wasn’t admitting. After all, if she kept attracting men who weren’t meeting her needs, was there something she could be doing differently?
“Where do you meet these men?” I asked.
“Usually at bars, because I travel a lot and I like to socialize with men wherever I am. I’ve online dated, but it doesn’t really work for me. I’d rather let things happen organically and meet in person.”
I asked her to challenge herself by dating someone she didn’t consider her “type”. What if she started dating men who didn’t put work as a first priority? Or ones she didn’t meet at a bar while she was on the road? Maybe then her luck would change.
“Oh, I’ve done that. It didn’t work.” She quickly dismissed my idea. “I’m career-driven so my boyfriend should be, too.
When I pressed her, she started to reconsider. The issue was not with all the men she was attracting, it was how she was closing herself off to potentially great guys by being so set in her ways. She would only consider successful, ambitious men who didn’t have time for a relationship, instead of men who weren’t so tied to their jobs. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man who has a passion or who is intellectually stimulating, but that’s not what she was actually looking for. Instead, career success was her number one priority, which was limiting her opportunities. Why not date a teacher who is politically active in his community, or a computer programmer who enjoys traveling to exotic places?
She decided to take my challenge and go on a few dates with men who were not married to their careers. She also decided to try online dating again to widen the circle of people she tended to meet in bars and while traveling. Instead of assuming that all men she met were either unavailable or boring, she’s allowed herself to be open to possibility. In my experience, you have to have an open heart to find the right match, and that means letting go of your assumptions and expectations to make room for possibility.
When I pressed her further, she admitted that many of the men she met were successful, ambitious, and enjoyed their independent lifestyles. But they didn’t want a girlfriend. They wanted simply a one-night stand, or a friends with benefits arrangement.
“I like being intellectually stimulated,” she said. “I can’t imagine being with a man who can’t hold a conversation about politics or doesn’t have some kind of passion or ambition. But it seems that when they are successful, they’re not usually looking for a girlfriend. I don’t want a casual relationship at this point in my life.”
I understood what she meant, but I sensed there was something more that she wasn’t admitting. After all, if she kept attracting men who weren’t meeting her needs, was there something she could be doing differently?
“Where do you meet these men?” I asked.
“Usually at bars, because I travel a lot and I like to socialize with men wherever I am. I’ve online dated, but it doesn’t really work for me. I’d rather let things happen organically and meet in person.”
I asked her to challenge herself by dating someone she didn’t consider her “type”. What if she started dating men who didn’t put work as a first priority? Or ones she didn’t meet at a bar while she was on the road? Maybe then her luck would change.
“Oh, I’ve done that. It didn’t work.” She quickly dismissed my idea. “I’m career-driven so my boyfriend should be, too.
When I pressed her, she started to reconsider. The issue was not with all the men she was attracting, it was how she was closing herself off to potentially great guys by being so set in her ways. She would only consider successful, ambitious men who didn’t have time for a relationship, instead of men who weren’t so tied to their jobs. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man who has a passion or who is intellectually stimulating, but that’s not what she was actually looking for. Instead, career success was her number one priority, which was limiting her opportunities. Why not date a teacher who is politically active in his community, or a computer programmer who enjoys traveling to exotic places?
She decided to take my challenge and go on a few dates with men who were not married to their careers. She also decided to try online dating again to widen the circle of people she tended to meet in bars and while traveling. Instead of assuming that all men she met were either unavailable or boring, she’s allowed herself to be open to possibility. In my experience, you have to have an open heart to find the right match, and that means letting go of your assumptions and expectations to make room for possibility.
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