Relationships

When you're falling in love, you tend to put your best foot forward and portray yourself as the ideal girlfriend or boyfriend. After all, you've found a new love and you want things to work. Unfortunately, even the most confident among us can find ourselves hiding our quirks and weaknesses in favor of looking and acting perfect to please someone else.

Remember that as a relationship progresses however, the things you try to hide will eventually surface, so it's best to be your authentic self from the beginning. Don't try to change yourself to please someone else. After all, if he or she is right for you, they will love the quirky, weird things about you, too.

Following are some tips to help you stay true to yourself:

It's okay to say what you think. Instead of agreeing with him about your favorite television show or how you like your eggs, don't be afraid to be your own person. You don't have to like everything he does, or be afraid to disagree with him on sports, politics, or anything else. Say what you mean. He will respect you for your own choices and opinions. If he doesn't, he's not right for you.

Don't give in to your insecurities. Do you think your job is not up to his standards, or that your body isn't sexy enough? Instead of dismissing yourself and your chances because of some perceived flaw, own it. If he cares about you and pursuing a relationship, these things won't matter. He will think you're sexy and successful as you are.

Show off your passions. Is he introducing you to new activities, music, or movies? You should return the favor and let him into your world. Maybe he won't enjoy your interests and hobbies as much as you do, but he will appreciate your passion for them. Don't shy away from what you love because you think his activities are more interesting or valid. We all have our quirks and fascinations; don't be afraid to show them.

Avoid jealousy. Maybe you think she's too hot for you because guys hit on her all the time. Instead of letting your jealousy get the best of you, relax and let the relationship flow. Be yourself, and don't worry about whether she'll stay with you. Confidence is most attractive. If she's right for you, there won't be any question.

Take it easy. Instead of worrying about what could go wrong or trying to please someone else, relax. This doesn't help any relationship. Instead, enjoy each day and stop trying to be someone else. Again, if they are worth it, they will like you for who you are.

When you’ve been in a relationship for some time, you begin to hear what isn’t being said, as well as what is. Perhaps you learn exactly the right food to bring home when your significant other is feeling ill, or what they really mean when they say their day was fine. However, that takes time to learn - and in the meantime, trying to figure out the hidden cues and signals can be frustrating and confusing.

First and foremost, don’t read anything extra into your partner’s behavior if you can help it. Even if you suspect your significant other is trying to hint that you should do something other than what they’re saying, it’s better to be safe than sorry. What’s worse - that you weren’t a magical mind-reader, or that you expressly disregarded what was specifically said? Most would say the latter.

For example: Steve and Jane have been together for several weeks. Jane’s birthday is coming up, and she specifically asks for something low-key, something that’s not a big spectacle. Steve thinks Jane is just being modest, and plans a giant surprise party where Jane is the center of attention. In reality, Jane is incredibly shy, and being the focus of such attention is literally painful. Now, even if Jane weren’t shy and secretly wanted a party, would it have been the end of the world if Steve had followed her request to the letter?

Some tips and tricks can be found through simple observation. If your significant other is having a bad day, what eventually made them smile? What movies do they gravitate to when they’re sick? Do they always request the same dessert when they’re celebrating? Making a note of these simple habits can help you earn major partner points.

And finally, if you’re confused about something, don’t be afraid to ask. Communication is key to a lasting relationship; no one should be expected to have telepathic powers. Being honest and direct is often the fastest - and easiest - way to maintaining a clear connection. Why play games instead of enjoying each other?

Almost every adult has some sort of romantic past; battle scars and tales to tell (or not). It’s a fact of life, and, most of the time, one that’s fairly easy to accept; what’s past is past. But what do you do when the past doesn’t always stay there - when the relics of former relationships aren’t just a memory, but might be a co-worker, a neighbor, sending funny emails, or dropping by for lunch?

For some, the news that their new significant other has remained friends with flames from the past can be jarring, particularly early in the new relationship, when insecurities run high. However, there are a few techniques for coping with old flames, without having to resemble an animal staking out their territory.

First, remember that the word “friend” is often loosely applied. Exchanging the odd pleasant word at the grocery store, remaining amicable in a work environment, or staying friendly while co-chaperoning a child’s field trip is socially advantageous and usually doesn’t mean anything more than that. For divorced couples who have children, remaining pleasant or even friendly with each other can make a child’s day dramatically less stressful. More often than not, remaining friendly with an ex has very little to do with friendship.

However, even if the new significant other is truly friendly with their exes, it’s not the end of the world. Some people loathe conflict, and staying ‘friendly’ is a way of easing the guilt of a breakup. Sometimes the romantic aspect of the relationship was an experiment between friends gone terribly wrong, and neither has an interest in rekindling it. Remember: your significant other was searching for someone for a reason. They chose you over any other option. It’s common to be nervous about “rebounding,” but as a relationship deepens, trust in your partner becomes imperative.

Very, very occasionally, you might run into a scenario where an old flame appears to be attempting to light the fire again. If you suspect this, first examine it from all angles; more often than not, it’s simply insecurity. However, if you really feel you’re correct, communication is key. Don’t run around making accusations, but talk openly and honestly with your partner about your fears. Then remember that it takes two to tango; if your partner assures you that they aren’t going anywhere, ultimately you’ll have to trust them. Is it a gamble? Yes, as is every part of trust and human interaction. But it’s better to gamble and lose, than disrupt a perfectly good relationship with suspicion and paranoia.

When Dr. Gian Gonzaga and the research team at eHarmony decided to conduct a study on the relationship between divorce and the way couples meet, they found themselves confronted with a couple of hurdles to clear:

• Online dating is a relatively new phenomenon - it's been around for a little over a decade, and only been popular for the last 7 or 8 years. That's not a significant amount of time for a large number of couples to meet, marry, and then separate, and the sample size would likely have been too small to create an accurate study.
• One method of running the study would be to simply sample the American population at random, hoping that a significant number of people who had gotten divorced met their former spouses on an online dating site. The research team would have to hope that, through sheer luck, they would find a large enough number of people who had A) Married in the last decade, B) Met their partner on a particular online dating site, and C) Gotten divorced from that person. But surveying the entire population of the United States is far from practical, and leaves too much to chance.

Instead, the eHarmony team, aided by Opinion Research Corp., "identified an online panel of 4,000 people who had been married to AND divorced from that person in the last 15 years," with a focus on marriages that began between 2005 and 2009. Though their final sample size was small - only 506 people - their findings are still interesting. In most cases, "the expected number of divorces was very close to the actual number of divorces...observed in the sample," which means that "it didn't really matter how you met your spouse, you were just as likely to get divorced." The most notable results from the study showed that:

• People who met on eHarmony were 66.6% less likely to get divorced.
• People who met through school were 41.1% less likely to get divorced.
• People who met at a bar were 24% more likely to get divorced.
• People who met through unspecified other means were 16% more likely to get divorced.

Their findings are food for thought, but the eHarmony team acknowledges that they are far from definitive: "We realize the numbers of eHarmony divorces is pretty small and this is only one sample of divorces. We don't know if these results will replicate in another sample or generalize to all marriages. Those are important limitations to this study that need to be acknowledged. We're already working on replicating these findings to address these limitations."

It is also important to remember, as Dr. Gonzaga notes, that studies like these show only WHAT happened, not WHY it happened. "How you met your spouse is only one of many reasons for why a couple eventually ends up unhappy or divorced," he writes. "Many relationships that start off shaky end up lasting a lifetime. Others that have a great foundation still end up in trouble. How you meet is only the starting point. You, and your spouse, control where you end up."

Read the original post here and for more details on the matchmaking service which conducted this survey please read our review of eHarmony.

Are you having a hard time meeting people, even though you've joined two or three online dating sites? Well, it's time to expand your search and take advantage of offline opportunities as well. Following are a few ideas to get you started.

De-filter your online search. Are you filtering out potential candidates because your preferences are too rigid? Instead of only looking at people who live within a ten-mile radius, or only those above 5'10", you could be missing out. Try expanding your preferences to include people outside of your typical age range, physical or career requirements for example. The results could surprise you.

Get outside. The weather is nice, so it's time to bring your dog to the local dog park and meet other dog owners. If you don't have a dog, you can walk around the neighborhood and get to know those who do. Pets are great ice-breakers for meeting people who pique your interest.

Go to class. I think cooking and wine tasting classes are two great ways to meet people. There are plenty of options that don't seem forced or stilted and offer a creative, fun environment. Check your local listings: for example, in L.A. there is a cooking class that offers a social atmosphere so you can eat and drink your creations together at a dinner party.

Tell your friends. Maybe you think all of your friends should know you're single and looking, but have you ever asked them to fix you up? If not, it's about time. It's great to tap into the network of married friends and those who work outside of your career to expand your circle. Be open to meeting new people and accepting invitations to parties, too.

Host your own party. Who says you have to wait to be invited out? Plan a party and tell your friends to each invite someone single, and you have expanded your opportunities in one night. You don't have to make it hard; host a potluck or simple cocktail party.

Be aware of what's around you. Whether you're at the grocery store, cleaners, or your favorite coffee shop, pay attention to your environment. Many of us are in a hurry and we pick the shortest lines hoping to get out ASAP. Unfortunately, this doesn't help us see opportunities that present themselves in everyday situations. You may miss the man giving you a second glance as you're barreling down the aisles, or the woman eyeing you as you order a latte. Slow down, pay attention, respond in kind, and see what happens.

When you’ve experienced heartbreak or rejection, it can make you all the more gun-shy about the next relationship you start. A friend of mine, Steve, has been nearly driving himself crazy with his worries about the girl he’s been dating. “Well, sure, things seem to be going well. But things seemed to be going well last time.” Though he’s one of the least superstitious people I know, Steve eyes the calendar with suspicion and fear as he nears the “deadline” - the length of time of his last relationship.

Steve isn’t the only person I know who worries about what tomorrow may bring. It’s tempting for all of us to want reassurance about how things will end - after all, why invest all this time, energy and love if they’ll end badly? If only I knew I would really be with this person forever, I could just relax...

However, like just about everything else in life, no one knows how their relationship story will end. And why is that so much harder to accept than the fact that we don’t know what the future will bring about anything? Some people might sit and ponder the end of the world, for example, but most go about their day-to-day lives with barely a thought about it. A job might not last forever. Neither might our health. But it seems silly to waste the moments of happiness worrying about what might happen years down the road, doesn’t it?

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should never think about the future, or plan accordingly. Pretty much every adult couple sits down and discusses the future at some point. However, I believe there is a certain amount of “day-to-day” thinking that has to occur in a relationship. Whether or not things will end tragically, enjoy what you have right now.

If you take your relationship day-by-day, focusing on maintaining your current level of happiness, those “deadlines” might just fly by without your notice. And remember: it’s far better to have a bank of happy memories than fear and worry.