Friendly With Old Flames

Almost every adult has some sort of romantic past; battle scars and tales to tell (or not). It’s a fact of life, and, most of the time, one that’s fairly easy to accept; what’s past is past. But what do you do when the past doesn’t always stay there - when the relics of former relationships aren’t just a memory, but might be a co-worker, a neighbor, sending funny emails, or dropping by for lunch?

For some, the news that their new significant other has remained friends with flames from the past can be jarring, particularly early in the new relationship, when insecurities run high. However, there are a few techniques for coping with old flames, without having to resemble an animal staking out their territory.

First, remember that the word “friend” is often loosely applied. Exchanging the odd pleasant word at the grocery store, remaining amicable in a work environment, or staying friendly while co-chaperoning a child’s field trip is socially advantageous and usually doesn’t mean anything more than that. For divorced couples who have children, remaining pleasant or even friendly with each other can make a child’s day dramatically less stressful. More often than not, remaining friendly with an ex has very little to do with friendship.

However, even if the new significant other is truly friendly with their exes, it’s not the end of the world. Some people loathe conflict, and staying ‘friendly’ is a way of easing the guilt of a breakup. Sometimes the romantic aspect of the relationship was an experiment between friends gone terribly wrong, and neither has an interest in rekindling it. Remember: your significant other was searching for someone for a reason. They chose you over any other option. It’s common to be nervous about “rebounding,” but as a relationship deepens, trust in your partner becomes imperative.

Very, very occasionally, you might run into a scenario where an old flame appears to be attempting to light the fire again. If you suspect this, first examine it from all angles; more often than not, it’s simply insecurity. However, if you really feel you’re correct, communication is key. Don’t run around making accusations, but talk openly and honestly with your partner about your fears. Then remember that it takes two to tango; if your partner assures you that they aren’t going anywhere, ultimately you’ll have to trust them. Is it a gamble? Yes, as is every part of trust and human interaction. But it’s better to gamble and lose, than disrupt a perfectly good relationship with suspicion and paranoia.