Relationships

When people find out you've dedicated yourself to studying relationships, offering dating advice, and helping singles find love, they inevitably have a lot of questions.

How do I find a man who's x, y, and z?

How do I write an online dating profile that actually gets noticed?

How do I approach a woman?

How do I ask someone for their number?

How do I go in for the kiss without being rejected?

If you've thought it, I've probably heard it. But one question always strikes me as the most interesting: If you could give me one piece of advice - just one - what would it be?

It's a difficult question to answer - I've learned so many fascinating things over the years and I want to share them all! - but one piece of advice always stands out from the crowd: If you want to meet the person of your dreams, create an amazing, irresistible lifestyle.

Meeting your match is about more than understanding body language and knowing the perfect opening line - it's about being, at your core, an interesting and attractive person.

Rather than having to chase after love for the rest of your life, wouldn't you rather be the kind of person that others want to pursue? A happy and fulfilling love life starts with being happy and fulfilled in the rest of your life. A person who has a negative attitude, a job they hate, and doesn't spend time doing the things they're passionate about is not someone you want to spend your life with, On the other hand, a person who sets goals and pursues them, has a positive outlook, indulges in hobbies they enjoy, and has a career they love is extremely attractive.

To put it simply: when you have an amazing life, others will want to be a part of it.

So how do you become the positive, energetic, passionate, well-rounded, interesting individual that everyone will want to meet? How do you create a lifestyle that you love, and that naturally attracts other equally-amazing people into your life?

There's no easy way to do it - it takes some soul-searching and a lot of hard work and dedication - but it's worth every minute you spend, because the outcome is much more than a blossoming love life. Developing an attractive lifestyle will improve all areas of your life, from your career, to your friendships, to your physical health.

Continue on to Part II for a few tips on creating a life you love.

From the time we’re children, we’re learning the rules of attraction, flirtation, and dating. Just by existing out in the world, watching television and movies, and observing friends and family, children learn how to express affection, how to communicate with others, and more. But what do you do if your models are less than ideal? If your parents’ divorce was a blessing, if your friends and family were exhibiting dysfunctional behavior?

Well, as with so many things, just questioning yourself about these issues is probably a good sign. If all the sub-optimal relationships you were exposed to were in your childhood, I would take a moment to remember that you never stop learning, never stop absorbing information. You’ve probably been exposed to hundreds of thousands of messages about relationships that have nothing to do with your past. If you have a very specific problem, of course that’s best talked about with a professional; however, if you’re just generally concerned, it can’t hurt to seek out positive examples of healthy relationships, learn new habits and ways of communicating.

However, even adults can be thrown for a loop now and again, when they’re reminded that very little in the world is a perfect working model. “My aunt and uncle had the picture-perfect relationship,” Ruth tells me. “I could always look at them to see how to best handle a situation. Sometimes I’d even ask myself what they would do. I wanted my marriage to be just like theirs, someday. And now they’re getting a divorce, and it turns out their marriage wasn’t perfect at all!”

It’s always a bit of a shock when the couple that seemed to have it all together splits up; it’s worse if they were a role model. However, just because a relationship ultimately ended doesn’t mean everything you observed was useless. Relationships end for many varied, complicated reasons, that might have absolutely nothing to do with the public side you observed. If you’ve learned something that’s helped you, keep using it! Remember: each relationship is between two unique individuals. No relationship is exactly the same, so it’s always good policy to use what works for your situation, and discard what doesn’t.

You aren’t the sum total of everything you’ve observed in your life. Even if you were, a relationship also contains another individual, with their own life of observation and quirks. With the two of you communicating openly and working together, any relationship has a chance of success.

Some people claim chivalry is dead, but I think it gives you an advantage in the world of dating. Many men and women have neglected manners in their dating experience, mostly because it's easier to meet and run if you don't feel an instant spark. Some have even forgotten how to date with any thoughtfulness.

When I write about manners, I'm not talking about some old-fashioned sense of dating or "courting," I'm talking about the basics. Following are some tips to shine on all of your dates, making you an irresistible catch.

Ask him/her out on a date. Instead of texting and inviting the object of your affection to "hang out" so you don't risk rejection, make a bold move and ask her out on a real date. This way, there is no ambiguity when it comes to your budding relationship either.

Plan! This is an easy one: everyone likes the effort someone puts in to plan a date, male or female. Don't just agree to meet "later on this week" or "grab a drink after work." Let her know you're interested by stating the place, date and time to meet. Also, it helps to describe why you're choosing that particular place...whether it's to try a new spot or because you think she might like it. This scores a lot of points.

Cultivate some mystery. Instead of going into a date with a laundry list of questions or a description of what you're looking for in the perfect partner, create some mystery. Hold back. This isn't about deceiving your date, it's about not treating him or her to every detail of your life. In the day of Twitter, Facebook, and reality television, it's nice to get to know someone slowly but surely.

Remember the little things. Whether it's opening a door for a woman or keeping step with her instead of walking in front, a little consideration goes a long way. Also, try not to interrupt when your date is talking. It's the same as answering a cell phone call in the middle of a date.

Take your time. Instead of racing to the finish line because you want to know right now whether or not your date is right for you, take things one step at a time. Go on a second date, then a third. Let conversation flow without pressuring questions that may turn a date off. Don't jump to categorize your relationship on Facebook or otherwise. Take things slowly but surely, and you'll be much more aware of when it's right for you.

You've logged on to your favorite dating site only to find the same matches you've had for the last week appear..again. You start to search through new profiles, feeling a sense of overwhelm and hopelessness. None of your choices seem like good options, no matter how many you look through.

Or perhaps you haven't checked your matches in several weeks, because the thought of putting any more effort into an online dating search seems futile. After all, you went on five bad dates in a row. It's not worth it.

Regardless of why you're bored or unhappy with your online dating experience, there are some tips to help renew your search and put you in a better frame of mind. After all, you won't get any closer to meeting the right person if you don't put yourself out there and keep trying. It's a numbers game, so keep an open mind and a little perseverance.

Remove the pressure. Instead of making your search an all-or-nothing process, recognize that all of your dates have something to offer, whether or not they are right for you. Dating is good practice for sorting out qualities that you do and don't want in a relationship. If you look at each date as a learning experience rather than a quest for Mr. or Miss Right, you can have fun in the moment. Shouldn't dating be more fun and less pressure anyway?

Wait it out. If you've been on a string of bad dates, it is hard to get excited about the next one. Give yourself a break and take a couple of weeks off from looking at your matches. Go out with your friends and do something that makes you happy. Come back refreshed and ready to start again.

Change your filters. Are you matching with the same people over and over, even on different sites? Chances are you've set your filters a little too rigidly. Increase the radius of your search from 10 miles to 50 miles. Increase your age limits. Rethink your preferences, like those candidates with certain professions or interests. Try dating a cop or a nurse instead of entrepreneurs. Try dating someone who likes bike riding even though you prefer academic, bookish types.

Email him/her now. You might have a list of "maybes" in your saved searches, so you haven't reached out. Or maybe you've winked at someone hoping to get a response. Stop waiting and start emailing, because the only way to get to a date is to get the process going. Be bold! What are you waiting for?

When you meet someone on the Internet first, and then prepare to meet them in person for the first time, it can be a nerve-wracking experience. Whether it’s a friend or a romantic interest, someone with whom you’ve only exchanged a few emails or someone with whom you’ve been chatting for years, the experience is very much the same. As you head out to see the for the first time, bearing these few facts in mind might make everything go more smoothly.

First, no matter how compatible you are (as friends or more), it will be a little awkward, even if just for a few minutes. It’s strange adjusting to seeing a living, breathing person in front of you; to adjusting your communication style to something less familiar. It’s okay to feel strange at first; they probably are too. Making a joke to address the tension and break the ice - “Where’s my keyboard?” - isn’t a bad idea; by addressing that you both feel a little strange, you’re essentially putting the two of you on the same team. By having the freedom to feel awkward, you give yourself the freedom to get past it all the more quickly.

It’s very rare that someone has a completely different personality from what they display on the internet, but that doesn’t mean that they’re going to be exactly the same. The internet allows people to be a little more uninhibited, a little louder. Sending emails affords the time to edit and be clever. What you see in person is someone “live,” in real time, and quite possibly a little more shy and quiet (at least until they warm up). Again, if they’re a little different it doesn’t mean they’ve been lying or hiding their true personalities; it’s just a slightly different aspect of the same person. Don’t be bewildered at the difference.

Finally, no matter how many pictures you’ve seen of the person you’re about to meet, they will look slightly different in person. Maybe they’ll be smaller, or look better or worse; most of the time, they just look a bit different. It’s the nature of photography, of freezing only a tiny moment or just one certain angle. Even a completely unedited, honest photo isn’t a true representation of the living, 3D-person you’re going to meet. Don’t be alarmed if a quick scan of a coffee shop or restaurant doesn’t have your potential match leaping out at you - your brain is used to looking at only a certain collection of images, not a looking for a real person.

These facts, small and insignificant as they may seem, have been known to cause panic in people who are meeting for the first time. By being aware of the uncertainty you may feel, you can recognize it for what it really is - entirely natural - and cast it aside. Then, you can focus on what’s really important: the person you’re about to meet.

When I was single, I most of my free time with other single friends. My married friends were always a bit more encumbered with work and their partners. When they started having children, getting together became even more elusive, so soon I stopped trying and let them reach out to me.

Now that I am married, I find it more difficult to schedule impromptu meetings with my friends. I'm making a concerted effort however to maintain these friendships and our connection, because I know how it felt to be last on the priority list when I was single. Following are some tips to keep your friendships strong while you're dating or enjoying a new relationship.

Make time to talk on the phone. Maybe it's hard to get together in person, but keep in touch over the phone. Call on your commute to or from work, or schedule time to talk with your friends. Don't cut the calls short because your partner is home or you're killing time waiting for him to arrive. Make sure you have time set aside to have real conversations.

Don't bring your partner on all your get-togethers. This may seem obvious, but when you're in love, you want to spend all your time together. Even time set aside to spend with your friends. Instead of bringing your partner along when you're meeting a single friend, go solo. You don't have to do everything with your partner, and it helps you to have independence as well as a new life you're trying to build together.

Engage with your friends. Maybe you feel more distracted now when you get together with friends, especially if you don't relate to their current dating problems like you used to. Your friends don't necessarily want advice from you, they want your friendship and understanding. Listen to what they have to say. Remember to be a friend first and foremost.

Continue to build your life outside of your relationship. In the beginning it's easy to let your routine slide when you're swept up in feelings of romance. Career can wait, the gym can wait...and of course, friends can wait. But this isn't healthy in the long run. After a couple of months of being swept up, it's time to re-establish your own life as well. Do things for yourself, including having alone time, exercising, eating right, and nourishing your friendships.