Relationships

From the time we’re children, we’re learning the rules of attraction, flirtation, and dating. Just by existing out in the world, watching television and movies, and observing friends and family, children learn how to express affection, how to communicate with others, and more. But what do you do if your models are less than ideal? If your parents’ divorce was a blessing, if your friends and family were exhibiting dysfunctional behavior?

Well, as with so many things, just questioning yourself about these issues is probably a good sign. If all the sub-optimal relationships you were exposed to were in your childhood, I would take a moment to remember that you never stop learning, never stop absorbing information. You’ve probably been exposed to hundreds of thousands of messages about relationships that have nothing to do with your past. If you have a very specific problem, of course that’s best talked about with a professional; however, if you’re just generally concerned, it can’t hurt to seek out positive examples of healthy relationships, learn new habits and ways of communicating.

However, even adults can be thrown for a loop now and again, when they’re reminded that very little in the world is a perfect working model. “My aunt and uncle had the picture-perfect relationship,” Ruth tells me. “I could always look at them to see how to best handle a situation. Sometimes I’d even ask myself what they would do. I wanted my marriage to be just like theirs, someday. And now they’re getting a divorce, and it turns out their marriage wasn’t perfect at all!”

It’s always a bit of a shock when the couple that seemed to have it all together splits up; it’s worse if they were a role model. However, just because a relationship ultimately ended doesn’t mean everything you observed was useless. Relationships end for many varied, complicated reasons, that might have absolutely nothing to do with the public side you observed. If you’ve learned something that’s helped you, keep using it! Remember: each relationship is between two unique individuals. No relationship is exactly the same, so it’s always good policy to use what works for your situation, and discard what doesn’t.

You aren’t the sum total of everything you’ve observed in your life. Even if you were, a relationship also contains another individual, with their own life of observation and quirks. With the two of you communicating openly and working together, any relationship has a chance of success.

Some people claim chivalry is dead, but I think it gives you an advantage in the world of dating. Many men and women have neglected manners in their dating experience, mostly because it's easier to meet and run if you don't feel an instant spark. Some have even forgotten how to date with any thoughtfulness.

When I write about manners, I'm not talking about some old-fashioned sense of dating or "courting," I'm talking about the basics. Following are some tips to shine on all of your dates, making you an irresistible catch.

Ask him/her out on a date. Instead of texting and inviting the object of your affection to "hang out" so you don't risk rejection, make a bold move and ask her out on a real date. This way, there is no ambiguity when it comes to your budding relationship either.

Plan! This is an easy one: everyone likes the effort someone puts in to plan a date, male or female. Don't just agree to meet "later on this week" or "grab a drink after work." Let her know you're interested by stating the place, date and time to meet. Also, it helps to describe why you're choosing that particular place...whether it's to try a new spot or because you think she might like it. This scores a lot of points.

Cultivate some mystery. Instead of going into a date with a laundry list of questions or a description of what you're looking for in the perfect partner, create some mystery. Hold back. This isn't about deceiving your date, it's about not treating him or her to every detail of your life. In the day of Twitter, Facebook, and reality television, it's nice to get to know someone slowly but surely.

Remember the little things. Whether it's opening a door for a woman or keeping step with her instead of walking in front, a little consideration goes a long way. Also, try not to interrupt when your date is talking. It's the same as answering a cell phone call in the middle of a date.

Take your time. Instead of racing to the finish line because you want to know right now whether or not your date is right for you, take things one step at a time. Go on a second date, then a third. Let conversation flow without pressuring questions that may turn a date off. Don't jump to categorize your relationship on Facebook or otherwise. Take things slowly but surely, and you'll be much more aware of when it's right for you.

You've logged on to your favorite dating site only to find the same matches you've had for the last week appear..again. You start to search through new profiles, feeling a sense of overwhelm and hopelessness. None of your choices seem like good options, no matter how many you look through.

Or perhaps you haven't checked your matches in several weeks, because the thought of putting any more effort into an online dating search seems futile. After all, you went on five bad dates in a row. It's not worth it.

Regardless of why you're bored or unhappy with your online dating experience, there are some tips to help renew your search and put you in a better frame of mind. After all, you won't get any closer to meeting the right person if you don't put yourself out there and keep trying. It's a numbers game, so keep an open mind and a little perseverance.

Remove the pressure. Instead of making your search an all-or-nothing process, recognize that all of your dates have something to offer, whether or not they are right for you. Dating is good practice for sorting out qualities that you do and don't want in a relationship. If you look at each date as a learning experience rather than a quest for Mr. or Miss Right, you can have fun in the moment. Shouldn't dating be more fun and less pressure anyway?

Wait it out. If you've been on a string of bad dates, it is hard to get excited about the next one. Give yourself a break and take a couple of weeks off from looking at your matches. Go out with your friends and do something that makes you happy. Come back refreshed and ready to start again.

Change your filters. Are you matching with the same people over and over, even on different sites? Chances are you've set your filters a little too rigidly. Increase the radius of your search from 10 miles to 50 miles. Increase your age limits. Rethink your preferences, like those candidates with certain professions or interests. Try dating a cop or a nurse instead of entrepreneurs. Try dating someone who likes bike riding even though you prefer academic, bookish types.

Email him/her now. You might have a list of "maybes" in your saved searches, so you haven't reached out. Or maybe you've winked at someone hoping to get a response. Stop waiting and start emailing, because the only way to get to a date is to get the process going. Be bold! What are you waiting for?

When you meet someone on the Internet first, and then prepare to meet them in person for the first time, it can be a nerve-wracking experience. Whether it’s a friend or a romantic interest, someone with whom you’ve only exchanged a few emails or someone with whom you’ve been chatting for years, the experience is very much the same. As you head out to see the for the first time, bearing these few facts in mind might make everything go more smoothly.

First, no matter how compatible you are (as friends or more), it will be a little awkward, even if just for a few minutes. It’s strange adjusting to seeing a living, breathing person in front of you; to adjusting your communication style to something less familiar. It’s okay to feel strange at first; they probably are too. Making a joke to address the tension and break the ice - “Where’s my keyboard?” - isn’t a bad idea; by addressing that you both feel a little strange, you’re essentially putting the two of you on the same team. By having the freedom to feel awkward, you give yourself the freedom to get past it all the more quickly.

It’s very rare that someone has a completely different personality from what they display on the internet, but that doesn’t mean that they’re going to be exactly the same. The internet allows people to be a little more uninhibited, a little louder. Sending emails affords the time to edit and be clever. What you see in person is someone “live,” in real time, and quite possibly a little more shy and quiet (at least until they warm up). Again, if they’re a little different it doesn’t mean they’ve been lying or hiding their true personalities; it’s just a slightly different aspect of the same person. Don’t be bewildered at the difference.

Finally, no matter how many pictures you’ve seen of the person you’re about to meet, they will look slightly different in person. Maybe they’ll be smaller, or look better or worse; most of the time, they just look a bit different. It’s the nature of photography, of freezing only a tiny moment or just one certain angle. Even a completely unedited, honest photo isn’t a true representation of the living, 3D-person you’re going to meet. Don’t be alarmed if a quick scan of a coffee shop or restaurant doesn’t have your potential match leaping out at you - your brain is used to looking at only a certain collection of images, not a looking for a real person.

These facts, small and insignificant as they may seem, have been known to cause panic in people who are meeting for the first time. By being aware of the uncertainty you may feel, you can recognize it for what it really is - entirely natural - and cast it aside. Then, you can focus on what’s really important: the person you’re about to meet.

When I was single, I most of my free time with other single friends. My married friends were always a bit more encumbered with work and their partners. When they started having children, getting together became even more elusive, so soon I stopped trying and let them reach out to me.

Now that I am married, I find it more difficult to schedule impromptu meetings with my friends. I'm making a concerted effort however to maintain these friendships and our connection, because I know how it felt to be last on the priority list when I was single. Following are some tips to keep your friendships strong while you're dating or enjoying a new relationship.

Make time to talk on the phone. Maybe it's hard to get together in person, but keep in touch over the phone. Call on your commute to or from work, or schedule time to talk with your friends. Don't cut the calls short because your partner is home or you're killing time waiting for him to arrive. Make sure you have time set aside to have real conversations.

Don't bring your partner on all your get-togethers. This may seem obvious, but when you're in love, you want to spend all your time together. Even time set aside to spend with your friends. Instead of bringing your partner along when you're meeting a single friend, go solo. You don't have to do everything with your partner, and it helps you to have independence as well as a new life you're trying to build together.

Engage with your friends. Maybe you feel more distracted now when you get together with friends, especially if you don't relate to their current dating problems like you used to. Your friends don't necessarily want advice from you, they want your friendship and understanding. Listen to what they have to say. Remember to be a friend first and foremost.

Continue to build your life outside of your relationship. In the beginning it's easy to let your routine slide when you're swept up in feelings of romance. Career can wait, the gym can wait...and of course, friends can wait. But this isn't healthy in the long run. After a couple of months of being swept up, it's time to re-establish your own life as well. Do things for yourself, including having alone time, exercising, eating right, and nourishing your friendships.

Confidence is a strong character factor especially for singles searching for other singles. It's a virtual turn-on because people can sense if you're confident or not. You don't have to be a contestant in a Miss Universe contest or be a Mr. Muscle Man to draw other singles to you.

Though money, clothes and other material things may help boost up confidence, the true sense of confidence should come from within the person. Even your physical features are nothing without confidence.

Study what goes through your mind. Do you talk what goes through your mind in confidence? Or do you have self-pity over what the past has done to you? Do you keep putting yourself down? Perhaps you are so full of fear that you only conceive yourself as a failure even if you're not.

Do you recall the old song, 'The Greatest Love'? Recall the chorus that goes something like this: "I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived as I believe. No matter what they say or do, they can't take away my dignity. Because the greatest love of all is happening to me, I found the greatest love of all inside of me."

Remember the times you passed your exams in college? How did you get that much-coveted job? Or when you helped your best friend overcome his struggles? In all of the above, how confident were you in doing these things?

Your strengths, talents and weaknesses are all inside of you and only you can determine how strong your confidence can be. Everything that you did in the past entailed a certain amount of risk so there's nothing different when it comes to the risks of a first date or finding a true love or committed relationship.

Perhaps another thing you should stop doing is to compare yourself to other people. You can never be anyone else but yourself. You cannot be a Tom Cruise or a Matt Damon. You need to stop saying 'I could never do that.' There is only one you and what you can do is different from others. You may be a carpenter or furniture maker but, others are not. We think George Clooney could never make good cabinets like you can.

The name of the game is being realistic. That's all there is. Everyone faces the common tasks of everyday struggles in different phases.

Remember, only you have the power to make a difference. Start today, take steps to build your own self-image. Take the time to talk to and help strangers, the benefits can be tremendous.