Relationships

A friend of mine, “Rob,” has been familiar with the world of online dating for some time. He’s a pro at first-contact emails, and he’s been no stranger to first dates, either. Yet, none of them have seemed to have that “spark” in person, from either side, so he’s becoming a pro at shaking those first dates off and moving on, too. In general, Rob is as laid-back and unflappable as they come.

Until now.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in such a state. He’s about to go on his second date, and he’s terrified. Emails have not been a problem. His first “date” - an ulra-quick meeting at a coffee shop - apparently had enough of a spark that they’re both keen to know more. It’s going as smoothly as it possibly can - and Rob’s a puddle of nerves.

“This is the first one where I feel like there’s actually the potential for something more,” he confessed. “The others were nice people, maybe they’d make good acquaintances or friends, but this is the first time I’ve had real chemistry. The stakes are more real, now.”

Maybe Rob’s right, but now is not the time for his head to get in the way of his relationships. If the “reality” of the situation puts you in a similar state of panic, repeat after me: “This is not my only shot at happiness. This is not my only shot at a relationship.” Because it’s not. First of all, you don’t need a significant other for happiness. Secondly, if you don’t believe in destiny, you’ll know that there’s many options and people that would make good matches. And if you do... well, obviously you’re destined to be with someone else.

Maybe a particular person puts you in a tizzy, and you really want things to work out, more than you have with other potential matches. That doesn’t mean you should forget what you’re doing: going on a first date, just like any other. A simple first meeting. A long-term relationship isn’t created in one date, no matter how strong the chemistry. Take things one day at a time, let the relationship car drive itself without your doubts veering you off-course, and regardless of the outcome, you’ll have minimal regrets.

What effects does Facebook have on our romantic lives?

Online Dating University set out to find the answer, and produced a colorful infographic that shows us exactly what happens to our relationships when we live in public. Check it out here, via All Facebook.

Some interesting facts include:

• Approximately 60% of all Facebook users report a relationship status on their profile.
• The United States, South Africa, Iceland, the UK, and Canada are the five countries with the highest percentage of users reporting a relationship status.
• The average percentage of single Facebook users, by country, is 39%.
• Jordan is home to the largest percentage of Facebook users who list themselves as single on the site.
• The highest percentage of Facebook users who state that they're in a relationship of any kind (from "it's complicated" to "married") reside in Finland.
• Ghana has the greatest percentage of single male Facebook users, but women make up a greater percentage of Facebook's user base at large.
• As of December 2010, women outnumbered men on the site at a rate of 1.28 to 1.

2010, as it turns out, might not have been a great year for relationships. 37% of Facebook users changed their relationship status to "single" during the year, and 3% found themselves in relationships that were "complicated." 24% listed themselves as "in a relationship," while 5% became "engaged" and 31% were "married."

According to the infographic, documenting your love life on Facebook can have the following effects:

1. Overanalyzing. When you spend too much time on Facebook, you run the risk of becoming intensely aware of the activity on your love interest's profile. Over analyzing everything you see him or her post is likely to lead to feelings of insecurity.
2. Oversharing. What happens if you change your relationship status on Facebook but your partner doesn't? Publically recording every detail of your relationship can lead to unwanted confrontations and awkward moments, as well as public heartbreak if the relationship ends. Plus, future partners might not appreciate being privy to every detail of your past love affairs.
3. Unhealthy concern with the remarks of others. It's easy to become excessively concerned with the comments left by other people, and equally as easy to misinterpret harmless comments as competition. Unwarranted jealousy is a side effect of social networking for many Facebook users.
4. Constant reminders of lost love. Break ups are challenging at the best of times, but the access Facebook provides to your ex, and the constant reminders of his or her new life without you, makes the end of a relationship even more difficult.

How do you deal with these problems? Continue to Part II for Online Dating University's suggestions.

To find out more on how to use this social network as an online dating tool please read our review of Facebook.com.

When the honeymoon period wears off, what's left? It's not your looks or funny pickup lines that create lasting attraction - it's your lifestyle. It's obvious to others when you have a life that you're proud of, passionate about, and fulfilled by, and nothing is more seductive than that. Love comes not from the words you say, but from the things that make you, on the deepest level, you.

What does it take to create a life that you genuinely enjoy living, every day? A life that allows you to live your dreams, and experience everything you want to experience? A life that leaves you fulfilled, and attracts interesting, passionate people?

Creating the lifestyle you want is an ongoing process, but here are a few tips to get you started:

1) Be open to new experiences. Sometimes happiness comes from unexpected places, but you'll never know unless you're willing to explore and challenge your boundaries. Meet as many people as possible, because one connection lead to another and you never know who you might find. Live in the moment and embrace whatever comes your way.

2) Do what you love. Apply this rule to all areas of your life, both professional and personal. Never do something because you think you have to or because you believe that other people expect it of you. Find what you're passionate about, ignore people who want (consciously or unconsciously) to limit you, and do it. This includes reevaluating your career - a job that makes you miserable is not a job worth keeping, because you will project your misery on everyone around you.

3) Embrace your inner child. Can you remember what it was like to be a child? Children are curious, enthusiastic, unselfconscious, and full of joy. They live in a state of wonder. They favor the fun over the serious. They are constantly learning and experiencing new things, and meeting new people. This attitude is the foundation of an amazing life.

4) Cultivate confidence and positivity. Destroy limiting beliefs and know, genuinely, that you can be whoever you want to be and accomplish whatever you want to accomplish. Find the fun in everything, even life's most mundane tasks. When you believe that you are high-value and attractive, others will too.

These tips are just a starting point. Creating the life you want is a process that will probably never end, but it's one of the most important things you will ever do. Be open, passionate, positive, and enthusiastic, and good things will come your way.

When you’re not in a relationship, it’s easy to remind yourself of the obvious - that your happiness isn’t, and shouldn’t be, tied to a significant other. You find your own interests. Some are even the most happy in solitude - meditating, birdwatching, challenging themselves athletically where a partner would be left in the dust.

When you do find a significant other, none of that changes - or at least, it doesn’t need to change. The people who once enjoyed their solitary pursuits will probably still enjoy them, if given the chance. However, when someone new becomes a significant presence in your life, a certain amount of upheaval and adjustment occurs. Typically, the first things to go are the fun pastimes that can’t be done as a duo. And for some, eventually the idea of finding fulfillment alone completely vanishes.

There are a few problems that can arise when a person completely removes the need for solitude, or actually feels they need to be with their partner to have a good time. First, it can diminish anything that happens to them alone. “I saw a beautiful sunset,” you might hear, “and I only wish you could have been there to see it.” While most have said something similar at some point, and it is a sweet sentiment, it’s a problem if the sunset isn’t actually appreciated without the second set of eyes to observe.

Next, there’s the possibility that person who gives up all solitude isn’t actually cut out for such a lifestyle. Down the road, resentments could form. When life gets even more hectic with a lifestyle change such as children, habits of taking time out for one’s self can be a lifesaver. When you don’t know how to ask for something for yourself, however, it’s all the more easy to sink.

And finally, while it’s entirely possible that maybe you don’t need any alone time at all, the same might not be true of your partner. Being separated doesn’t mean you don’t care for each other; in fact, recognizing your partner’s need for space is a caring act. Ignoring it has the possibility of eventually leading to unpleasant words like “suffocation.”

Finding someone special can be a great addition to your life, but don’t make it a complete substitution for everything else that makes you happy. Not every hobby, experience, and preference needs to be shared in order for it to be enjoyable. In fact, it can make the times and hobbies you do share all the better.

Even if you fancy yourself smoother than the lovechild of Casanova and Don Juan, you're bound to run into some situations that leave you feeling lost. There's no way to avoid every uncomfortable or confusing situation you might find yourself in, but with a little practice you can learn to make your dating life as stress-free as possible.

Ever wondered what to do if...?

1) If you're concerned that your date might be married, or dishonest in any other way, trust your instincts. Ask them directly, and watch for signs of guilt or defensiveness. If you still have doubts after speaking with them, go with your gut.

2) If you ask for a phone number or email address, use it. Never ask for contact information if you don't actually plan to get in touch with someone. It's never fair to lead someone on.

3) If you're unsure of what kind of pictures to post on an online dating profile, follow these simple rules:

• Put the drink down. Unless you're only looking for a party-buddy with keg-standing abilities that match your own superhuman talent, limit the number of photos that feature alcoholic beverages.
• It should go without saying, but resist the urge to use photos that are old or aren't really you. it's always a bad idea to create expectations in a date's mind that you can't possibly meet. In fact, some online daters intentionally post photos in which they don't look their best, so that dates are pleasantly surprised when they meet in person.
• Your ex's are out of the picture - so keep them out of your pictures. Photos of you cuddling with former significant others do not belong on your profile. Potential dates will not see a future with you if they think you're stuck in the past.

4) If you're feeling under the weather when you have a date scheduled, politely cancel it. It might feel rude, but trust me - postponing a date is infinitely less rude than spending a date blowing your nose and hacking up balls of phlegm.

5) If you don't know how manage an online love life, follow these quick tips:

• Spend time crafting a profile that's actually good. You can find tons of profile-writing advice on this site, for instance here and here.
• Respond appropriately to rejection. Rejection happens to everyone, so handle it with grace. Don't bombard someone with angry emails because they didn't respond to a message.
• Spend as little time communicating online as possible, once you've made a connection with someone you're interested in. Emails are nice, but phone calls are better. And the longer you communicate with someone remotely, the less likely you are to meet in person.

6) If a date doesn't go as planned, end things respectfully. Thank your date for the nice time and be honest about your feelings, rather than allowing them to think you're still interested or simply disappearing. Burn as few bridges as possible.

When people find out you've dedicated yourself to studying relationships, offering dating advice, and helping singles find love, they inevitably have a lot of questions.

How do I find a man who's x, y, and z?

How do I write an online dating profile that actually gets noticed?

How do I approach a woman?

How do I ask someone for their number?

How do I go in for the kiss without being rejected?

If you've thought it, I've probably heard it. But one question always strikes me as the most interesting: If you could give me one piece of advice - just one - what would it be?

It's a difficult question to answer - I've learned so many fascinating things over the years and I want to share them all! - but one piece of advice always stands out from the crowd: If you want to meet the person of your dreams, create an amazing, irresistible lifestyle.

Meeting your match is about more than understanding body language and knowing the perfect opening line - it's about being, at your core, an interesting and attractive person.

Rather than having to chase after love for the rest of your life, wouldn't you rather be the kind of person that others want to pursue? A happy and fulfilling love life starts with being happy and fulfilled in the rest of your life. A person who has a negative attitude, a job they hate, and doesn't spend time doing the things they're passionate about is not someone you want to spend your life with, On the other hand, a person who sets goals and pursues them, has a positive outlook, indulges in hobbies they enjoy, and has a career they love is extremely attractive.

To put it simply: when you have an amazing life, others will want to be a part of it.

So how do you become the positive, energetic, passionate, well-rounded, interesting individual that everyone will want to meet? How do you create a lifestyle that you love, and that naturally attracts other equally-amazing people into your life?

There's no easy way to do it - it takes some soul-searching and a lot of hard work and dedication - but it's worth every minute you spend, because the outcome is much more than a blossoming love life. Developing an attractive lifestyle will improve all areas of your life, from your career, to your friendships, to your physical health.

Continue on to Part II for a few tips on creating a life you love.