Relationships

When it comes to dating, one question that seems a bit elusive to most daters is: who should pay? Is it the man's responsibility, the woman's, or should they split the difference? What about the first date compared to say, the fifth date? We all know that expenses can add up, so should only one person be responsible?

Traditionally, men have done the asking, planning and paying when it comes to dating. While some women still expect this kind of chivalrous treatment from their dates, it is no longer the norm. According to recent studies, most women do offer to pay when they are on a date, even a first date, and often they do the asking and/or planning as well.

But the politics of paying for a date turns out to be much more complicated. For example, if you let your date pay, will he think you're expecting him to wine and dine you? Or will he think you have more traditional expectations about relationships? On the other hand, if you offer to pay, does this send a statement that your feelings are more platonic than romantic? Or does it show your generosity?

To me, dating is all about understanding different perspectives. We'd like to think that everyone feels the same way we do, or they should if we're going to date them. If they don't it's a deal-breaker. But the thing is, nobody is a mind reader. We can't assume things when we're dating.

My general rule of thumb is this: whoever does the asking, does the paying.

If you plan the date, then expect to pay for it, no matter your gender. This is regardless of whether it's the first date or the tenth date. Remember, you don't have to worry about trying to impress someone by taking her to the most expensive restaurant. In this economy, most daters don't expect it.

When you plan, it allows you the freedom to choose the place you want to go that is within your budget. It also allows you to be creative. What's wrong with a walk in the park and a picnic, especially in the summer?

Most importantly, if you've been on three or four dates with someone you're interested in and he has paid each time, make sure you trade off. Ask him out and pick up the tab. Resentment can build easily if he is doing all of the work with no reciprocity. How can that conjure romantic feelings? By the same token, don't insist on paying all the time. Let the other person show her interest and take the lead.

Remember, dating requires mutual respect and consideration, no matter who grabs the check.

With last year's release of "No Strings Attached," and the premiere of "Friends With Benefits" on July 22nd of this year, the topic of casual sex is hotter than ever.

The question on everyone's mind is simple: "Does it work?" Can two people ever really have a relationship that's physical but not romantic?

The short answer is yes. The long answer is yes, but I can't promise it will always be smooth sailing.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty details of how to make it work, let's take a look at a few of the pros and cons of FwB arrangements:

The Pros

• Pure entertainment. An FwB arrangement offers fun and companionship without the pressures and restrictions of a more serious relationship.
• Convenience. If you're not able to commit to the time-consuming process of flirting, dating, and maintaining a relationship, an FwB situation is a more efficient option that can be worked into any schedule.
• Comfort. You're friends - you already know you enjoy each other's company, and you're comfortable around each other. It's as though you've fast-forwarded through the awkward early dating stages of a relationship and gotten straight to the good part.
• Flexibility. You can structure the arrangement any way that works for you and your FwB, meaning that you can have anything you want from a relationship without having to deal with anything you don't. There's no right or wrong way to do it, as long as it meets your unique needs.
• Clarity. Instead of fretting over whether someone is really into you or wondering where a relationship is going, an FwB arrangement offers simplicity and clarity. Provided that everyone involved is consistently honest and up-front, you know exactly what you're getting and exactly what you're not.

The Cons

• Emotional entanglement. This is the most obvious potential downside of a no-strings-attached arrangement. No matter how hard you try to block them out, feelings can slip through the cracks (yes, even for men!). When they're one-sided, the relationship is headed for a breakdown.
• The degeneration of a friendship. In any FwB arrangement, you run the risk of losing a friendship if things end poorly. Try to remember to put the friendship first.
• Territoriality and jealousy. Sometimes it can be hard to remember that as an FwB, you don't actually have any say in the other person's life. Resist the urge to be possessive, and wish them well when and if they decide to move on.

So how do you make it work? The nitty-gritty details, up next.

We have Twitter, we have Facebook, we have MySpace, we have Google+, and now we have Badoo: a social networking site for people you don't know. Yet. Although its name sounds like a lyric in a scat song, Badoo is a whole lot more, and it has the potential to make a big impact.

Badoo, launched in London in 2006, is the brainchild of Andrey Andreev, a Russian entrepreneur whose other projects include Mamba, the site from which Badoo was developed, SpyLog, and Begun. But what exactly is it?

Opinion on the matter is divided. Badoo is free to use, but members "pay for prominence," which means that they receive promoted status on the site in exchange for a small fee. The basic goal of Badoo, as explained by the site's tagline, is to "meet new people." Unlike most social networking sites, Badoo is dedicated to forming connections with people you've never met, rather than maintaining connections with people who are already acquaintances.

Despite the site's self-proclaimed status as a social networking platform, however, many think of Badoo as a dating site. Lloyd Price, Badoo's Director of Marketing, is keen to shake off that image, perhaps in an attempt to widen the audience for the site, but it's not leaving without a fight.

In a story for TheNextWeb.com, Paul Sawers writes that he, like many, had heard that the site was "for people looking for romance." "The whole look and feel of Badoo does seem very dating-oriented," he adds. "For example, part of its marketing mantra states: 'Chat, flirt, socialize and have fun!' Okay, it's not overtly about dating, but it certainly leans more towards a candle-lit dinner for two than a game of football with the boys." On the surface, it's easy to see why so many people seem to think of Badoo as a dating site, but a little digging reveals that the site has more to offer.

Aided by mobile apps for Android and iOS, and GPS functionality, Badoo places an emphasis on meeting new people in your area, seamlessly blending social networking, online dating, and location-based technology. Badoo also earned the title of third most popular app on Facebook in February of this year, behind CityVille and FarmVille, though it has since dropped a few positions.

In a world that thrives on connectivity, a site like Badoo, that merges so many different technologies, has everything it takes to be a success. And so far, the strategy seems to be working: to date, Badoo has doubled in size in the past 12 months, and now boasts "121 million members in 180 countries, a turnover of over $100m and a global head-count of 200 people who speak 25 languages."

For more information on this social dating service you can read our review of Badoo.

Many singles I talk to express frustration with the process of dating and the types of people they meet. Whether they have felt cheated, let down, or confused by various love interests, they can't seem to get past this feeling that they will be disappointed again. Likely, because they were disappointed more than once.

But is this thinking preventing them from finding love?

I'll be the first to admit that it's not easy to keep searching for love, especially after numerous disappointing dating experiences. Not everyone is honest, or kind, or respectful. However, expecting this kind of bad behavior in dating doesn't do you any favors. In fact, I would argue that you're likely to be disappointed again and again if you come to expect it.

We would all like more control when it comes to our love lives, whether we admit it or not. If we could just wave a magic wand so that our soul mates could appear in front of us, wouldn't we try? Even though we know this isn't realistic, to some extent, we do try to control our circumstances.

For instance, we have guidelines in the type of people we're attracted to, whether he's a CEO, restaurant manager, musician, or academic. Or whether he has long hair, wears suits, is six feet tall, or has blue eyes. Or whether he likes to surf, dance, play sports, or whatever else might be on the list. We try to control the types of people we date based on these guidelines. We write others off because they don't make some criteria on the list, thinking...I can't date somebody like that.

What we often overlook because we're so focused on the particulars are the basics: is he kind, does he listen to me, is he interested in what I think, how does he make me feel about myself? And how would you know unless you get to know him?

As long as we emphasize whatever the person sitting in front of us doesn't have, it closes us off to the qualities he or she does have. In other words, we are trying to control our love lives by going after who we think is right for us, instead of taking advantage of life in the moment and getting to know who's sitting right in front of us.

Letting go is most important in the process of dating. When we are hurt and disappointed, we have to let these negative feelings go to move on. When we are checking off our "must-have" lists, we must also let go of our rigid concepts of who we think is best for us. This way, we are more open, and when the right person does come along, we know it.

No, this isn't a "friends with benefits" post! For all you women: sometimes your male friends can teach you a lot about dating and interacting with the opposite sex. After all, girlfriends can be a wonderful thing when you're broken-hearted, but guys can give you more insight into how they think and feel and what might really be going on. It's time to start paying attention.

Some tips to consider:

What crisis? Although many things can annoy or upset us women, there's no need to panic or turn it into a bigger deal than it really is. Whether someone cuts in front of us on the freeway or we forget to pick up milk at the grocery store, we should learn to relax and not sweat the small stuff. What's the point in the grand scheme of things? Guys are more inclined to let the little things go and have a more relaxed attitude about everyday problems. Try curbing your worrying to the important things.

Let loose. We all like to feel productive, but women can take things to an extreme. We'll try to fit too many things on our schedules, since we are masters of multi-tasking. We say "yes" to favors asked of us and further obligate ourselves, instead of recognizing that we can't do it all. If you can't help out with a friend's event, be okay with telling her "no." Men tend to be more relaxed about saying no and making sure their schedules are comprised mainly of things they want to do and people they want to be with. Recognize your limits, and don't try to be everything to everyone.

It's all about perspective. When we get together with our female friends, they want to make us feel better about how we look, who we are dating, or any number of things. Of course, that means they're also subjective about everything we say, and don't necessarily challenge our opinions. They let us vent and commiserate with us. Our guy friends however, have no problem telling it like it is, even if that means telling us what we're doing wrong. They will let us know when we're being too clingy, too emotional, or even when we're being irrational. They offer us perspective, which can help us see more clearly how we are acting, and help us change for the better.

Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake star in the movie Friends with Benefits, and while I'm sure the movie has a happy ending for them, does it work in real life?

Friends with benefits relationships are tricky things. If one person starts to feel romantic it can upset the delicate balance. What if the other person meets someone special, and you end up hurt and confused?

For the most part, I think we romanticize these types of relationships and think that we can turn emotions on and off like a faucet. But the reality is more complex, which is why it's hard to stay friends with someone once the benefits part goes away.

If you are considering starting this kind of relationship, here are some questions you can ask yourself to make sure of your intentions and that you're prepared for whatever may come your way:

Am I looking for a long-term relationship? It is almost impossible to open yourself up to a potential long-term partner if you are physically involved with someone else, even a friend. People pick up on the fact you're not 100% available, and you tend to attract guys and girls who don't want to commit. You close yourself off to meeting some potential long-term prospects when you're not 100% available.

Can I handle my friend wanting to be with another girl? This is for the women out there who may secretly be harboring a crush on the friend without knowing it. If you are okay with losing your "benefits" status, or with hearing about the "awesome sex with my new girlfriend", then go for it.

Can my friend handle ME wanting to be with someone else? Okay, so maybe you don't have feelings for your friend. But what about him? Maybe he secretly is hoping that you will see how wonderful he is and end up committing to him. Maybe he'll get pissed off when you mention dates with other guys. Make sure that you clear the air with him before you get involved.

Have I been in this situation before, and it didn't really work for me? I'll caution you against telling yourself "THIS friend is DIFFERENT". Likely, he isn't, and you already know that you didn't react well to things going south last time. Don't think this is going to be different.

Bottom line? Know what you want and communicate it. If you don't want a long-term relationship, if you aren't looking for anything serious and you are very clear with your friend and he agrees, then go for it. If not, I'd strongly caution you.

The key to a "friends with benefits" relationship working is making sure you are both on the same page, and that you keep the lines of communication open for when things change. Because they will...it won't last. Be clear about your expectations. Communication is key.